How To Get The Most Out Of A Top and Make Anal Sex Feel Good
A skilled partner can make the difference between pain and glory.
Unfortunately, there are few guys named glory, as inexperience abounds.
That isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you realize that an alarming number of guys learn about anal sex through porn, which is like learning how to spell from somebody who can’t read.
Porn shows us that there’s only one way to top: Act like you flexed and the sleeves came off, take hostages and give them a back alley pounding.
Your wishes mean nothing to him. Oooh, does it hurt, Princess? Shut up, it’s supposed to hurt! WHACK!
Now there’s a lot to be said for the junkyard dog school of anal sex, but for newbies hoping for a future without wheelchairs? Not so much.
On the other side of the coin, you might end up with a teacup poodle—a tender top who’s so sensitive to your feelings he doesn’t exactly fit the portrait of somebody you want to submit to.
Unlike the porn stereotype, he really does care about whether it hurts, but he doesn’t know how to assert his masculinity in a sexually appealing way.
The best partner for a newbie is a romanticized version of a dom top.
He’s the ideal mix of a good power driller and the dreamy husband who knows how to make love.
However, this kind of lover is exceedingly hard to come by.
From a probability standpoint the odds are that you’re going to end up with a junkyard dog, rather than an idealized lover or a teacup poodle.
Which means you’re going to have to take control early and often or the pain is going to turn you into a man-hating homosexual.
How To Deal With A Junkyard Dog
The problem with junkyard dogs is that they come at you as if they’re staging a rape.
This makes the bottom partner’s entire pubo-rectal area—sphincter, S-curve and surrounding muscles—tighten with the force of a boa constrictor. It’s easy to spot the kind of guy that turns into a junkyard dog in bed.
If he takes his dog out to pee and they both use the same tree, chances are he’s going to be unthinking in bed.
If he thinks fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH, he probably doesn’t think patience is a virtue.
If he kisses you roughly he’s going to treat you like a Thanksgiving Day turkey—he’s going to spread your legs open and try to stuff it in.
The key is to slow him down early, way before he’s on top of you, naked. Your goal is to interrupt his pattern and set new ones.
Start non-verbally. If he manhandles you, take his hand and rub it gently on your body, indicating how you like it.
If he starts ripping your shirt off, put your hands over his and whisper “gentle.”
If he kisses you like he’s won a war, put a finger over his lips, kiss him how you want to be kissed and say, “like this.”
Keep ratcheting up the pattern-interrupts until he gets it. They say diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggie” while you get a bigger rock, but in this case it’s just about getting the doggie to be nicer.
It’s important to verbally encourage him when he does what you want (“I love it when you kiss me like that”). Sometimes you don’t even need words.
Just moan upon receiving a touch or a kiss that feels good. Other times you have to be direct—“Oww, that hurts. Touch me gently–it really turns me on.”
How To Deal With A Teacup Poodle
Let’s say you’re on the couch and nothing is happening because Peter Poodle won’t make a move. How do you get him to take charge?
First, make sure you’re not sending “go away” signals. Any gesture or movement that forms a barrier, like folding your arms over your chest, is a signal you don’t want things to go further.
The same holds true if you hold your hands together, cross your legs, close your knees, slouch, or hold anything that blocks your chest, heart and stomach. They’re all a signal to stay away.
Are your arms crossed? Uncross them. Are you holding your hands together? Separate them. Are you holding your drink in a way that forms a moat against him? Put it down.
All of these actions open up what body language researchers call your “Territory Line,” physically inviting people to get closer to you.
Okay, let’s say you’ve opened up your body language but Peter Poodle still isn’t making a move. Now what? It’ll be easier for him to make a move if you lock eyes, so get him to look at you. How?
Turn and face him.
Body language researchers have long noted that romantically interested couples will unconsciously mirror each other.
We imitate each other’s gestures, postures and expressions to create rapport and a feeling of acceptance.
It’s a way of saying, “I like you, I’m on the same wavelength.”
If you turn to face him he’ll soon “mirror” you and turn to face you—all within five to fifty seconds.
Okay, you’ve fine-tuned your body language by opening your “Territory Line,” and gotten him to face you directly.
Now it’s time for him to touch you.
You could just touch him yourself but you need to set expectations for him to be more assertive. How do you do that?
Pick up his hand and put it on your leg.
It really is that easy.
He’s naturally going to rub, squeeze or move his hand higher, and now he’s got you right where you want him: Set up to kiss you.
If it takes him more than a minute to land a kiss you know you’re dating a potted plant and that you’re going to have to water him by the end of the evening.
Seriously, don’t you kiss him. Get him to kiss you. In your most charming voice say, “Are you going to kiss me or what?”
At some point he’ll realize you’re not seducing him; you’re inviting him to seduce you.
Praise him when he initiates a kiss. If he hears you say, “I like a guy who takes charge” he will finally get the hint.
Keeping Your Top Hard
Whether you’ve tamed the Rottweiler or goosed the Poodle, there is a very real possibility he won’t get hard enough to top you, so pay attention to his erection.
No one is always hard or always soft. In fact, erections wax and wane throughout a sexual encounter, so don’t freak out if this happens.
You should, however, be worried about the quality of his erection right before penetration because if he isn’t hard enough things are not going to end well.
Let’s say his erection is only two-thirds of the way there, but the momentum finds both of you on the cusp of penetration.
Don’t let it happen.
Don’t lay back and think of England.
His penis must get harder for successful penetration and it’s not going to get harder unless you do something about it.
Stay where you are and use your hands to stiffen him up. That will often do the trick. If it doesn’t, delay penetration with more oral or manual.
Yes, that’s a hassle and a momentum-killer but it pales in comparison to the awkwardness of trying for penetration with an unworthy erection.
If you want to avoid these kinds of mood-killers you’d be wise to follow this simple rule: Play with his penis until the moment he penetrates you.
If he’s completely hard, keep playing with it. If he’s almost there, keep playing with it. You cannot go wrong stimulating a penis before it enters you.
And don’t forget the balls. Never forget the balls!
Keep Logistical Problems To A Minimum
Distractions are kryptonite to erections. Imagine trying to stay hard through this scenario:
YOU: “Wait, let me scoot up on the bed. Hold on, let me fluff the pillows. Crap, I forgot the towel” (you lean over and pull the drawer out. Rats, it isn’t there!). You get up, find one, lay it down. Ralph Rottweiler (or Peter Poodle) gets on top you and you’re like, “DAMN, where’s the lube?! (Lean in, open the drawer, take it out). Wait, there’s not enough in there! (Fumble in drawer looking for a new bottle. Find it.). “Wait, let me just open the plastic wrap.” You can’t because your nails aren’t long enough. You find a pen to stab it with, finally open it. You put lube on his dick and in your ass. You’re ready when you suddenly realize…
“I have to pee.”
No one can stay rock hard through that kind of supply chain management.
You can’t bring Marie Kondo in to spark joy in your sex drawer but you can be prepared. Don’t drive a stake of distraction through the heart of his erection.