How To Relax Your Sphincter Muscles
When I assembled my (butt) crack team of physicians and scientists to develop a pain-free method of bottoming, our meetings popped with fact-filled, field-tested views on relaxation theory, sexual response, anatomy, pleasure centers, and pain points.
In the end, we unanimously agreed to base our approach on a proven neuromuscular technique known in medical circles as “PNF,” or Proprioceptive Neuromuscular Facilitation.
Don’t let the fancy-schmancy name fool you. It just refers to a “contraction/release” method that gives all muscles, including the sphincter, no choice but to relax.
PNF is well known among physical therapists, professional coaches, fitness trainers, and elite athletes. There are also variations of PNF like PIR (Post Isometric Relaxation) and CRAC (Contract-Relax-Antagonist-Contract).
Studies show the “stress relaxation” phenomenon activated by PNF significantly improves range of motion, muscle strength, and the ability to completely and involuntarily relax muscles.
A Quick Example of PNF
Do this: Without moving, note the tension in your shoulders. Now physically try to relax the shoulders. Couldn’t tell much difference, could you?
Now, tense your shoulders by bringing them to your ears and hold that position for thirty seconds as tight as you possibly can. Now relax your shoulders. See how noticeably deeper the release feels?
You’ve just experienced the first law of PNF: A build-up of tension creates a deeper release of the muscles. The more tension the deeper the relaxation.
How To Relax The Sphincter Muscle
Applying PNF To Your Butt
Clearly, your sphincter does not behave like your shoulders. That’s why I asked my team of experts a simple question: How can we apply PNF to ASS?
I’m happy to say we figured it out. We recruited gay men from my reader base and social media properties and asked them to test it out. We took their input, modified our protocol, and BEHOLD! The result is a proven way to completely relax your sphincter—in less than a minute.
We call it the :60 Sphincter Release and we believe it is the asspirin for your buttache.
In order to use the :60 Sphincter Release effectively, you first have to experience the phenomenon yourself. We’re going to wander up your poop chute so jump in the shower and soap up. Let’s get your butt cleaner than Intel’s chip factory.
THE :60 SPHINCTER RELEASE: PART 1
Get yourself comfortable and haul out the lube. You’re about to learn how to relax your rectal muscles first-hand. It doesn’t matter how you do the following explorations—laying down, squatting, or bending over. Nor does it matter which hand, which finger, or what type of lube you use. Just make sure you’re comfortable.
Get ready to have your mind blown, for you are about to experience some wondrous features about your sphincter.
Step 1: Gently press the tip of your finger against your anus WITHOUT INSERTING IT.
Press it gently but firmly on the opening to your anus. Stay here for a few moments and let your finger feel what’s happening to the external sphincter. Make sure, however, that you’re pressing on it without actually inserting your finger. It should feel like you’re being pressed against a fence in a sold-out concert. You’re not going through the fence but it’s really snug against you.
Step 2: Slowly inhale to a count of six while tightening your sphincter as hard as you can.
Keep your finger gently pressed, but not inserted into, your anus. Keep a steady count to six until you get to the end of the inhale.
Step 3: Pause for 3-5 seconds.
Keep squeezing your sphincter as tight as you can. Tighter, like a clam’s ass at high tide!
Step 4: Relax your sphincter as you slowly exhale to a count of 8.
Pay careful attention and you’ll be amazed at what happens: As you exhale and release, your sphincter relaxes onto your finger!
How much of your finger got drawn in? An inch? One-eighth of an inch? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you just experienced a key insight into pain-free bottoming:
You don’t insert a penis into your rectum; you relax onto it.
An Important Concept In How To Relax Your Butt.
Inserting an object into the anal canal guarantees a tightening of the sphincter muscles. But what if instead of inserting you relaxed onto it?
Do this: Palm down, clench your left fist tight, tight, tight. Now try to force the index finger of your right hand into your clenched fist. Make it a battle. Notice the clenched fist will win.
Now, press the index finger gently but firmly against the clenched fist without trying to force it in. Inhale to a count of four as you clench the fist as tight as you can.
Now, loosen the clenched fist as you exhale to a count of six. Notice how a bit of your finger went in without actually having to force it? This concept works with your fist and it works with your sphincter muscles. Let me repeat this key insight:
Don’t let your partner insert his penis into you; allow your butt to draw it in.
The Anus Creates A Small Vacuum You Can Use To Your Advantage
This insight in how to make your sphincter muscle relax helps you work with your anatomy, not against it. A relaxed sphincter releases downward. When it tightens, it contracts upward, drawing in whatever it was relaxed onto. This release downward/contract upward process facilitates an interesting anatomical phenomenon: A small vacuum that literally sucks an object in.
Now you know why people end up in the ER for putting things like light bulbs and garden vegetables up their butt. The anus creates a vacuum that sucks objects in.
To experience this small vacuum more vividly, try doing Steps 1-3 while you squat all the way down to the floor, balancing on the balls of your feet, with your knees forming a “V.” Notice how this position creates a stronger vacuum, drawing in a lot more of your finger at a quicker pace.
This exercise is so key to painless anal sex it’s worth going over the steps again:
- Press your finger snugly onto but not into your anus.
- Inhale for a slow count of six, tightly clenching your sphincter.
- Hold for 3-5 seconds.
- Exhale for a slow count to eight, releasing your sphincter.
Mind the breathwork.
Your body will start to understand (and react favorably) to the rhythm—inhale to tighten, exhale to loosen. Inhale to tighten, exhale to loosen. This is crucial to learning how to relax your anal muscles.
Practice this rhythm ten times a day—in the car, at your desk, wherever. Clench your sphincter as you inhale to a count of six. Squeeze the sphincter tight for 3-5 seconds. Relax the sphincter as you exhale to a count of eight. It will pay dividends in an unexpected place: The toilet.
Rhythmic breathing paired with progressive muscle relaxation will ensure smooth, effortless bowel movements, protecting you from the scandal of hemorrhoids and fissures caused by straining too hard. These are all Sphincter Relaxation Exercises that will help you bottom without pain.
ANAL RELAXATION Part 2
Keep Using The Vacuum To Draw In Your Finger
Once you draw your finger in (no matter how little), keep it there without moving. As your anus realizes it’s not under attack you will feel the sphincter muscles relaxing further. If you really pay attention you’ll feel both the internal and external sphincter muscles. They feel like two separate rings with about a quarter of an inch of flesh between them.
Squeeze and relax your anus. Notice that the external sphincter muscles relax on command while the internal sphincter muscles do not. You can actually feel them tightening and relaxing spontaneously in pulses as if they had a mind of their own.
How cool is that?
Don’t do anything right now, just notice it. Keep your finger in there long enough and you’ll physically feel the internal sphincter muscles—the ones that do not obey conscious commands– relax around your finger. Feel it? You just experienced a great lesson: If you’re patient enough, the muscles you can’t consciously control will unconsciously release.
Okay, let’s keep going. You can’t be a fudge-packing butt pirate if you just sit there with your finger up your ass.
The Goal Of It All
At this point, your sphincter muscles should be so used to the inserted finger that you literally can’t feel much of anything. This is the goal of anus relaxing exercises. Let’s take advantage of that. Repeat Steps 1-4 above while your finger is deeper inside your anus.
Notice that every time you do it a tiny bit more of your finger gets drawn in. Remember, you signed a no-pain contract. If you feel pain, BACK OFF or I’m going to Venmo you for $9.99!
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
Repeat these steps until your sphincter muscles have drawn in your entire finger. Stop whenever you feel like it. Why? Because you said so, that’s why. You are in control over every aspect of bottoming and your practice sessions are no exception. Besides, it’s better to quit and think you could have gone further than to continue and feel you went too far. This is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.
Practice, Practice, Practice
You should repeat this exercise as often as you can (daily is best). This is how you relax your anus for anal sex. Once you can get your finger in completely without any discomfort whatsoever, experiment by gently pressing on different points of the anal canal. Did I mention gently? A quarter of an inch can feel like a foot and a half.
Try moving your finger in a circular motion while it’s in there. Experiment with in and out and back and forth motions. There is no right or wrong, only what you like or don’t like. Find out.
Once you can draw in your entire finger without any pain whatsoever, it’s time to supersize yourself.
Start with two fingers, maybe three.
Always use rhythmic breathing patterns. Do not deviate. Here’s why: You are training your body to automatically and unconsciously respond to the rhythm you’ve set. Inhale means contraction. Exhale means relaxation.
With consistency and frequency, the puborectal region–including the internal and external sphincter muscles, the sling and the rectum– will train themselves to respond to the exhalation cue and relax far more deeply than they would with just conscious thoughts alone.
You’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll want to upgrade from a finger or two to the only digit that counts, the 21st one— the custard cannon, the Purple Mountain Majesty. Yes, a hard penis.
But going from a finger to a penis is a bit ambitious. Why don’t we make an intermittent stop at a sex toy and work our way up to the Disco Stick?
Relaxing Anus Muscles Part 3
Practicing With A Toy
There is no substitute for a hard penis but there is a surrogate. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to an unappreciated and under-used object that is instrumental to pain-free bottoming: The butt plug. Mistakenly referred to as a dildo by many, it’s quite different.
A dildo is most often shaped like a penis (sometimes looking startlingly similar to the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love). It’s used by the more experienced for its in-and-out-and-in-and-out pleasures.
Butt plugs are shaped like a teardrop. They have a tapered shape that starts small at the top, becomes large in the middle, and tapers back down to a slim diameter at the neck of the toy, right before a flared base at the bottom.
They’re perfect for what we need to do next. Buy yourself a butt plug. Start small and work your way up.
Let’s, ahem, press on.
How To Relax Your Anal Sphincter With A Toy
You’re basically going to do with the butt plug what you did with your finger—draw the toy up your anus. Quick question before we begin: Is “buttcheeks” one word? Answer: No, spread them apart. So let’s start there, with your butt cheeks spread apart.
Step 1: Put lube on your toy and your anal opening.
Lube is like love, too much is never enough. Don’t be stingy—apply it generously.
Step 2: Gently, but firmly press the toy against your anus.
Do not insert. Just stay here for a few moments and feel what’s happening to the external sphincter.
Step 3: Inhale as you clench your sphincter tightly.
Inhale deeply (through your nose only) to a slow count of six as you tighten your sphincter. Keep the inhalation at a steady pace. At the end of the inhalation pause for 3- 5 seconds.
Step 4: Relax your sphincter as you exhale to a count of eight.
You are not pushing the toy in during the exhale—let your sphincter relax onto it. Pain is a signal you’re doing it wrong—you’re either pressing too hard or inadvertently inserting it.
Notice how much of the toy got drawn in. A lot? Great. A little? Great. See, it doesn’t matter. We’re looking for progress, any progress. Remember, if it hurts or seems like it might, BACK OFF. Pain is a sign that you’re going in too fast, too deep, or both. There is no such thing as going too slow.
Once it’s in—no matter how far—stay still. Let your sphincter muscles adjust. Remember, the best way to relax is to let them let go. Once you get so sensitized to the feeling it’s hard to discern that the butt plug is even in there, then…
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
Repeat the steps until your sphincter muscles have drawn in the whole toy down to the base. This is how to relax your inner sphincter enough to have painless anal. Some guys will be able to do it in the first attempt; others will take days. Do not judge yourself for taking longer than you think it should. Your anatomy dictates the pace—some people just have a tighter puborectal region than others.
Take your time. If it takes you weeks of daily, progressive, no-pain “draw-ins” (notice I didn’t say ‘insertions’) to stretch out your sphincter so what? That’s a small price to pay for a lifetime of pleasurable bottoming.
Is It Painful Or Different?
You signed a “No Pain Contract” not a “No New Sensations Contract.” Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether what you’re feeling is pain or simply a new sensation that you’ve never experienced before. If you’ve never had as much as a finger up your bum, everything is going to feel unfamiliar, but that doesn’t mean it’s painful.
It’s important to make a distinction between pain and discomfort, otherwise, you won’t know when it’s time to back up or move forward. Pain is foreground. Discomfort is background. Pain is hitting your thumb with a hammer. Discomfort is doing it in 100-degree weather.
Laying on an old, lumpy mattress may be uncomfortable but it’s not painful. Of course, discomfort can lead to pain. Spend the night on that mattress and you’ll wake up with a painful back.
If you’re not sure what you’re feeling, ask yourself…
Is this painful or just unfamiliar?
Is this pain or discomfort?
If it’s painful back off. If it’s unfamiliar or uncomfortable, relax into it. If you truly can’t tell, back off. We are in no hurry. In fact, the slower you go, the more successful you’ll be.
THE :60 SPHINCTER RELEASE: PART 3
Are you wondering why this technique contains a time frame of sixty seconds?
It’s going to amaze you.
So far, you’ve been training yourself to voluntarily release your sphincter. It’s time to do it involuntarily. To understand the difference between voluntary and involuntary, do this right now: Clench your sphincter as hard as you can for a few seconds then consciously release it.
That’s voluntarily releasing your sphincter.
Ready to experience an involuntary release? Bring up the stopwatch feature in your smartphone right now and do this: Start the clock and clench your sphincter as hard as you can for as long as you can. Do not, under any circumstances, release your sphincter consciously. Let me repeat that because it’s important:
Squeeze hard and do not let go no matter what.
Ready? Set? GO! Here’s what typically happens as the seconds tick by:
0 – :20
You feel fine.
:20 – :30
It’s a slight struggle keeping the sphincter tight.
:21 – :30
It’s now a real struggle.
:31 – :40
You’re running out of dilithium crystals to keep the sphincter shut!
:41 – :50
You’re having a Defcon 1 moment. You hear sirens. You’re trying your hardest to keep it clenched but…
:51 – :60
Your sphincter involuntarily releases despite consciously trying to keep it clenched.
Take a moment to absorb what just happened. Despite your hardest efforts, your sphincter muscles experienced complete muscle failure.
Now, imagine the head of your partner’s hard penis firmly up against your anus when your sphincter goes into complete muscle failure. What would happen?
His penis would be drawn in painlessly.
The result? Penetration while the sphincter is completely relaxed. Spectacula like Dracula!
And because your sphincter would be EXHAUSTED from being clenched so long it could not immediately do a “rebound clench” once the penis is inside you.
You’ve essentially rendered your sphincter inoperable for a few seconds.
You’ve disarmed your butt’s alarm to burgle it.
You’ve cut the electricity to momentarily blind it.
You’ve disabled its phone so it can’t call for help.
Help! I’m running out of metaphors. My point: For a brief moment in time your sphincter is so completely relaxed that your partner’s Disco Stick of Love can finally take what is rightfully his.
Is that genius or what?
Let’s Hammer In The Key Concept
No muscle can stay contracted forever. The :60 Sphincter Release creates a systemic muscle failure in the sphincter, not only guaranteeing a completely relaxed sphincter for penetration but preventing a “rebound clench” once the penis is in.
Unless you’ve been doing a lot of Kegel exercises (and you should—they give you stronger erections and will help you cum more and shoot further. See appendix for details), the vast majority of men’s sphincters release well before the 60-second mark.
But even a Kegel-trained puborectal region cannot prevent a sphincter muscle failure. It might take an extra thirty seconds to achieve it but the sphincter has no choice but to release involuntarily.
Here’s the take-home concept: Your lovers are to penetrate you when you’re involuntarily relaxed. Not when you’re trying to relax but when you have no choice but to relax.
Don’t try our ass hack with a partner just yet. You need a little more experience with it, which you’re about to get.
HITTING THE :60 MARK WITH A BUTT PLUG
Let’s test the :60 Sphincter Release with your butt plug. Assume the position with a well-lubed plug firmly up against but not in your anus.
Start the countdown to sixty seconds by tightening your sphincter to an unimaginable tightness. Come on, lock it up tight! Tighter than my fist around a piece of bacon. Tighter than the tucks in a drag show!
Remember, the butt plug should be firmly against but not in your anus. As the sixty-second mark approaches and you feel yourself involuntarily relaxing notice how the anal opening sucks up the butt plug.
You know you’re doing it right if you try to squinch your starfish as it begins to involuntarily relax and you have no conscious ability to tighten it.
But, wait, there’s more.
Repeat the process but this time as your sphincter involuntarily relaxes at around the sixty-second mark, use the 8-count exhale you practiced earlier and gently press the butt plug in.
How much of it went in? A little or a lot? In our field tests, most men said they got a great deal of the plug in while some men said they got all of it in.
They’re the ones who couldn’t stop smiling.
If you’re a smiler and the butt plug went all the way in, good for you. You are almost ready for the real thing. Just sit tight for a minute.
What if the butt plug didn’t go all the way in? First, congratulate yourself on the progress you’re making. Previously, you couldn’t insert a finger without squealing like you got your hair weave tangled in barbed wire. Now you’ve inserted something several times the width of your finger without any pain.
Anyway, there you are, with a butt plug halfway in. It’ll hurt if you push it in; you’ll lose progress if you pull it out. What should you do?
Habituation: The “Get Used To It” Concept
Habituation is the scientific term for gradually conditioning your body to accept certain sensations without experiencing pain. You see examples of habituation everywhere. If you move into a new house by the train tracks, the sound of the train keeps you awake. But after a while, you become habituated and stop noticing it.
When you put on the first pair of summer shorts after a cold winter, the sensation of air on your legs feels different. After a while, you become habituated to the sensation and stop noticing it.
You wade into a hot bath and it’s shocking to your skin, but stay in long enough and the water doesn’t seem so warm even though the temperature is still the same. You’ve habituated to the heat.
In the same way, you need to habituate to that sex toy hanging out of your ass. The good thing about habituation is that there is nothing for you to do but wait.
See, new sensations shower the brain with neurotransmitters that scream things like “Perimeter has been breached!” and “Stranger Danger!” This makes your body hypersensitive to what’s going on.
But time has a way of boring the brain. Keep the sensation going long enough and the brain acclimates to it. The neurotransmitters stop their 5-alarm Tourette’s and coax the brain to curl up with a good book.
How long does it take for the brain to habituate?
The longer you’re exposed to a stimulus that doesn’t change the faster the habituation. In other words, if you keep putting the sex toy (stimulus) in and out every few seconds, it will take forever to acclimate to it.
But if you keep it in the exact position it’s in—no more, no less— it won’t take very long to habituate to it (seconds for some, a minute for others).
That’s why your next step is to do nothing. Wait until you feel nothing. Wait until you’re bored. Wait until you’re habituated to the length of the sex toy inside you.
From there, simply repeat the :60 Sphincter Release. Clench your sphincter as hard as possible for as long as possible (trust me it will only be a few seconds—once an object is inside you it’s exceedingly difficult to hold the squeeze for long).
As you release, gently push the toy further in. Pretty soon that butt plug is going to be so far up your ass it’ll meet the lion in Narnia.
Congratulations, you are now ready to try the :60 Sphincter Release with that useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis.
Using the :60 Sphincter Release With A Partner
Once you’ve familiarized yourself with the :60 Sphincter Release and practiced it with a sex toy, you should be locked, cocked and ready to rock with a partner.
Let’s paint a picture. It’s late at night. The clothes are off. You’ve made out with your partner. You want him inside you in the worst way. Your theme park is ready for his Jurassic Pork. This is how you should use the :60 Sphincter Release:
Step 1: Slather The Lube
Whatever you think you need it probably won’t be enough, so don’t be stingy.
Step 2: Assume The Position
We’ll talk about different positions and angles of entries in later chapters, but for now, I would start in the missionary position. It’s easier to kiss him and the position triggers potent feelings of surrender and submissiveness agreeable to our cause.
Step 3: Position His Penis
You’re going to put the head of your partner’s erect penis comfortably, but snugly on the outside of your anus. There should be no space between the opening of the sphincter and the head of his penis. See illustration below:
Step 4: Consider Telling Your Partner What You’re Doing
If you’re in a relationship with your sexual partner you’ve probably already told him about the :60 Sphincter Release. Hell, he probably bought the book for you!
But what if it’s someone you don’t know well? Should you tell him what you’re up to? Would it kill the mood?
How To Weigh Telling Him
If you feel comfortable being direct, go for it. Tell him you’re trying out a new technique and you need his cooperation.
But more likely, you won’t feel comfortable. Most of us don’t want our partners to see how inexperienced we may be or how much trouble we might have bottoming. We don’t want to risk sounding foolish, invite judgment, or kill the mood with too many details.
If that’s the case, all you need to say is something like, “Hey, let me guide it in, okay?”
Who’s going to say no to that? Trust me, he’ll be pleased. If he’s a newbie to anal he’ll be relieved that you’re taking over so he doesn’t look foolish. If he’s experienced, he’ll be relieved that this session won’t be the struggle that so many have been in the past.
Step 5: Start The Countdown
Don’t haul out a timer (what a mood killer!) Simply clench your starfish as hard as possible as long as possible while you kiss him passionately.
As you feel your sphincter involuntarily relax in the next sixty seconds you will have two choices: First, hold his penis still and let the natural vacuum draw his penis in, the way it did with the sex toy.
Second, you can slowly and gently pull his penis inward as you feel the sphincter relax. If his penis is fully drawn in (Yay!), it’s time to habituate. Don’t let him thrust. Just say, “Can you stay right there for a minute? I need to get used to it.”
Once you’ve habituated to the sensation you can signal your partner to slowly start thrusting. More on that in a later chapter. If his penis isn’t fully drawn in (Yay! You’re almost there!), simply repeat the process with another :60 countdown.
Well done, you! This is your first step in a lifetime of pain-free bottoming and orgasms that last until next Tuesday. However, there’s one aspect of the :60 Sphincter Release we haven’t talked about.
What position should you be in?