How To Choose A Prostate Massager
You’ve read enough about prostate massagers to know that you want to try one. But now you’re faced with a tough question: How do I choose a prostate massager?
Or more specifically, how do I choose the best prostate massager for who I am and what I need?
We basically started this site in order to answer that question. The main instrument for answering it is in the form of our unique prostate massager quiz.
There is an incredible amount of information on prostate massagers and yet there is enormous confusion among buyers. That’s because most of the information presented is coming from te manufacturers and retailers who are more interested in selling product then in educating you about important features.
Even reviews from reputable sex bloggers are extremely limited in scope. After all, they can only review one product at a time and there thousands of them. As one of our readers observed, “how many things can you stick up your ass in the course of a year?”
Crudely put, but it makes the point.
Have you seen our critic and user scores for Best Prostate Massager For Men?
That’s not the only thing that’s limiting about using critic reviews. by their very nature, reviews from professional sex bloggers inform you about their personal tastes. Reviews are almost uniformly limited to what the reviewer’s body responds to.
If that reviewer likes salt and you like pepper you are out of luck.
If that reviewer likes the sensation of fullness and you don’t, you are out of luck.
If that reviewer’s prostate sits higher or lower in the body than yours does, you are out of luck.
Because liking or disliking any particular sex toy is so personalized it’s hard to know whether you will like it just because one reviewer did, no matter how educated they are.
We have a different system. We don’t review sex toys. We aggregate existing reviews into single scores much like the movie review site Rotten Tomatoes does. More on that later.
For now, know that we start out not by telling you what we think but by asking you what you want. And there’s no better way to do that then with our prostate massager quiz.
If you don’t need our long-ass preamble to the quiz you can take it right now:
In putting together the quiz we came up with a long list of questions. But then we realized only four of them mattered.
We can literally give you the most personalized recommendation with just four questions. That’s great because it means you can take our quiz in less than 30 seconds and be assured of getting exactly the kind of recommendation that suits your needs.
So we’re going to elaborate on all four questions that are on the quiz. If you are quiz phobic and don’t want to take the quiz without knowing exactly what we are going to ask you oh, relax, because we’re going to give you each question verbatim in this post. That way you will not be surprised by any of the questions.
So let’s examine the questions on the quiz and expand the discussion so that it makes more sense to you.
Question #1 In Our How To Choose A Prostate Massager Guide
HOW TIGHT IS YOUR SPHINCTER?
We know that is an odd question to ask but in reality it’s just our funny way of asking if you are a beginner, intermediate or advanced player.
Find out which prostate massagers got the highest scores in our Moan-O-Meter rankings for:
This is perhaps the most important question in the quiz because it determines the size of the prostate manager that our algorithm will recommend for you.
And let us tell you, Size Matters. If you are just starting out it is critical for your enjoyment to get a smaller toy. You are likely to give up going for the pleasure of prostate massage if your first couple of journeys inflict a lot of pain on you.
What’s the difference between a beginner, intermediate or advanced prostate massager? It all comes down to size. Beginner prostate massagers are always smaller.
This is where shopping for prostate massagers can be difficult. What exactly does small mean? How are you as a beginner going to figure out what is small versus what is large? If we tell you the circumference of a toy is one and a half inches, will that instill fear or bring on a yawn?
Most likely it just brings on confusion because if you’ve never had anything up your butt how would you know whether a toy is too big or too small?
And it’s not like you can just look at the picture of a sex toy to figure out whether you would be comfortable with its size. They all look terrifyingly big. In fact, one of the challenges of shopping for a sex toy is that in the zeal to make the photograph look appealing, manufacturers and retailers shoot close-ups of the sex toys, making them look way larger than they actually are.
We think that is unnecessarily scaring off people from trying for a prostate massage. How are you going to get men to try anal play when everything looks like a fence post?
So rather than burdening you with a ruler and sending you off to write down the measurements of thousands of different prostate massagers we simply did the work for you by categorizing every one of the products we recommend in one of three categories: beginner, intermediate, and advanced.
So let’s take our first question in the quiz and give it to you verbatim:
HOW TIGHT IS YOUR SPHINCTER?
→ I can hardly get a pinky up there without squealing like a city bus. NEWBIE!
→ I can get two fingers in there before I start yelping. INTERMEDIATE.
→ I don’t want to brag but Ashton Kutcher should have looked in my ass before he asked, “Dude, where’s my car?” TOTAL PRO!
Question #2 In Our How To Choose A Prostate Massager Series
WHAT TYPE OF MATERIAL WOULD TURN YOU ON MORE?
The second question on the quiz is strictly a matter of personal taste and preference. Most people prefer something soft and squishy and the best material for that is silicone.
But other people like a certain rigidity to their sex toys and they might be better off with prostate massager made out of steel, glass, aluminum, plastic or wood.
Some materials like glass and steel are preferable because they can do something that toys made out of plastic and silicone can’t: The added sensations of heat or cold. You can warm up or cool down a glass or steel toy and experiment with different sensations.
Known as “temperature play”, prostate massager made with these materials provide really interesting experiences that toys with other materials can’t.
Whether that appeals to you or not is strictly a matter of personal taste, but it’s important to ask the question because at the very least it will stop and make you think about what your options are.
A lot of beginners are shocked to find that prostate massagers are made out of glass. They shudder to think about the consequences of sticking glass up their butts, what if it broke? Surely there would be bloody hell to pay, no?
Those fears are unfounded as the good glass sex toys (the only ones we recommend) simply do not break unless you take a hammer to them. Plus they are a dream to clean as are the prostate massagers made out of steel.
Speaking of materials, it’s important to note that we only recommend sex toys made out of body safe materials. Here is why that is so important: Your body temperature rises when you get sexually excited. A toy made out of crappy, toxic materials will start melting from that temperature rise and leak into your insides.
This can and has given people allergic reactions, rashes, cancer scares and unfortunately, cancer realities.
Don’t give “temperature play” a new, grotesque meaning. Always purchase sex toys made with body safe materials.
How do we ensure that the toys we rank in our Moan-O-Meter are made from body safe materials? Because we only score toys made by manufacturers with a reputation for making body safe sex toys. We gleaned those manufacturers from professional sex toy critics who literally send toys into the lab for analysis.
So rest assured that the toys our quiz algorithm recommends are made by a reputable manufacturer admired by the sternest professional sex toy critics.
In our zeal to only recommend toys made by reputable manufacturers we’ve had to ignore hundreds of different prostate massagers. For example some of the larger retailers like Adam and Eve have their own line a prostate massagers. We did not include them because we have no way of knowing who is manufacturing it for them.
We have learned the hard way that just because a retailer says a sex toy is made out of body safe materials it ain’t necessarily so. The only way to know is to physically test the product in a lab or to know who the manufacturer was.
We are not casting aspersions on any retailers, it’s just that we don’t want to take somebody’s word for something without proof. The stakes are too high. If you noticed that we did not include a certain brand or a retailer’s internal brands this is the reason why– we could not determine for sure whether the product was made with body safe materials.
As we get to question at hand, you’ll notice that we put a lot of contextual information in our quiz questions. For example, under the silicone option we tell you what its advantages and disadvantages are so you can make better decisions.
So here is question number two verbatim:
WHAT TYPE OF MATERIAL WOULD TURN YOU ON MORE?
→ SILICONE. Pros: Soft, luxurious feel. Squish-level from quite firm to very squishy, lasts a long time. Cons: Can’t use silicone or oil-based lube.
→ GLASS. Pros: Exudes elegance and sophistication, can be heated or cooled for different pleasure sensations, uses all types of lube, won’t crack or chip. Cons: More expensive.
→ STEEL. Pros: Like glass, can be used for temperature play, uses all types of lube, won’t crack or chip. Cons: More expensive. In ambient conditions, will be colder to start with. Because it’s heavier, it adds weight and pressure (this could be good depending on your tastes!).
→ PLASTIC. Pros: Vibrations transfer extremely well, easy to clean, takes all types of lubes. Cons: Can look and feel cheap.
Question #3 In Our How To Choose A Prostate Massager Guide
HOW MUCH ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY?
This is probably the second most important question you need to answer, after whether you are a beginner, intermediate or advanced player.
Prostate massagers range from about $20 to over $220 . Generally speaking, the higher the cost the better the materials, the more beautiful the design, the more thought that was put into functionality and sensations, and the more likely the toy will provide you with an O-face worth writing mom about.
Price is definitely a consideration as most people don’t have a budget line item for “things to stick up your ass.” We have had readers ask us why the hell they would pay much more than 20 or $30 for a prostate massager and our response is simple: What’s an earth-shattering orgasm worth to you?
This is not to say that you can’t get something worthwhile on the budget side of the equation, just that your sex life is worth investing in.
If pleasure is important to you then price should be no more a concern than it is for non-sexual products that you buy. That is, you should be willing to pay more for higher quality.
That said, we don’t think you should pay a dime more than you have to and that is why we have provided links to stores that carry the cheapest prices.
You will note that throughout this website there are no links to Amazon. This may seem odd but if you know anything about the problem Amazon has with counterfeit products you will understand our decision.
With most products that are counterfeited you are simply out the money that you spent on it. But that’s not true with sex toys. Not only are you out the money, your health may be at risk because those counterfeit products are made with materials so toxic there is a high potential they will leak into your body.
Remember, when you stick a toy inside you the body heat warms the toy, breaking down the materials it’s made of. It’s not that unusual for people to get rashes, stains, infections and worse from using toys made out of cancer-causing agents.
The counterfeit problem with Amazon is so great thank that some sex toy manufacturers show people how to spot the fakes. they have to do that because one of the consequences of counterfeits for manufacturers is reputational. In other words, people think they are buying the real thing and of course they break or don’t work well so people go back to the manufacturer and demand refund.
Speaking of refunds, Amazon will not give you your money back if you buy it from a reseller not authorized by the manufacturer to sell the product.
There is no question that Amazon provides the cheapest prices but there is a real question about whether you are buying what you think you are buying.
To be fair, there are ways of making sure you are buying authorized products from Amazon but it requires jumping through so many hoops that we just don’t think it’s worth it. Plus, it is beyond the scope of this website to tell you how to do it.
At any rate, let’s get back to pricing. We’ve divided all sex toys into 3 pricing categories: budget, standard and premium. Beware that a budget level sex toy made out of plastic is going to be a hell of a lot cheaper than a budget level toy made out of steel.
A budget level plastic toy might run you $25. A budget level steel toy might run you $70. How can both be considered “budget?”
The difference is in the cost of the materials and what it takes to produce them. When we say “budget” cost we mean in comparison to other products made from the same material.
So here’s Question #3 on the quiz, verbatim:
How Much Are You Willing To Pay?
→ CHEAP: $25-$40
DISADVANTAGES: Iffy design that could hamper pleasure (like pointy tips), cheap materials that could break or retain unpleasant smells. Rules out most glass, steel, silicone products and most vibrating massagers.
→ STANDARD: $41-$80.
ADVANTAGES: Design that enhances pleasure, sturdier materials that last longer and feel better. Much wider range of materials and vibrating products.
DISADVANTAGES: less affordable
→ PREMIUM: $81+
ADVANTAGES: Gorgeous design, premium materials that enhance pleasure better, lasts a lot longer. DISADVANTAGES: High cost.
Question #4 In Our How To Choose A Prostate Massager Guide
DO YOU WANT A MASSAGER THAT VIBRATES?
If size is the primary characteristic of a beginner level prostate massager, then its capacity to vibrate is the second most defining feature.
Generally speaking, beginners don’t like to buy vibrating toys. This is understandable as even the concept of putting anything up their bum seems threatening. To put something up there that has a battery, that vibrates, that can be controlled by your iPhone, seems like a stretch.
When you feel threatened by something the size of a thimble you can imagine the fear associated with something that looks like a fence post with a kick-start.
It’s perfectly understandable that as a beginner you might want to save the world of Good Vibrations for later. In fact, it’s probably a good idea to stick with a non -vibrating massager and then graduate to a vibrating one after you’ve had some good experiences.
Most vibrating prostate massagers use a Bullet Vibrator. This means they are small and quiet– two requirements for discreet pleasure sessions.
The vibes feel good all over the body. Experiment to find where it feels best– on your nipples, anus, perineum and of course the tip of the penis. All are worthy of specific attention.
Here’s the final question on our quiz verbatim:
Do You Want A Massager That Vibrates?
→ YES. (Many people say it enhances their pleasure).
→ NO. (Many people say they don’t like it or aren’t ready for it).
How Our Prostate Massager Quiz Algorithm Makes Its Recommendations
The quiz has 4 questions that result in 48 possible combinations.
For example, if you are a beginner (Question #1 about your expertise) looking for a silicon (Question #2 about preferred materials), non-vibrating massager (Question #3 about vibrations) at a budget cost (Question #4 about what you’re willing to spend), that’s one result.
A second result might be for the exact same thing but with a premium level cost.
For every one of the 48 possible combinations you will see three recommendations:
- Our Best Overall Pick
A Best Budget Pick
A Best Upgrade Pick.
Technically speaking they are not actually “our” picks. They are the massagers who have the highest score based on aggregated reviews.
Remember, we like to think of ourselves as the Rotten Tomatoes of sex toys. We aggregate thousands of critic and user reviews and turn them into single understandable scores. One from professional critics– that would be professional sex bloggers who review sex toys for a living ( or are simply passionate about it), and one from civilians with verified purchases (reviews that come from trustworthy sources like Google Reviews).
Wisdom of The Crowds vs Individual Opinions
The scores that you see in our Moan-O-Meter are not based on any one person’s personal taste. Depending on the how many critics and purchasers posted reviews, the scores could be based on hundreds of reviews. Meaning, you are getting the wisdom of the crowds not the opinion of an individual.
We are very excited about rolling out this system because the chances of buying a truly great prostate massager are much higher if there is a consensus among all kinds of people about its effectiveness.
Take The Quiz As Often As You Like
The quiz is free and there are no limits to how many times you can use it. Many of our readers have told us that taking the quiz really made them stop and think about what was important to them and that by the time they answered the fourth question and got the results back they had a change of mind and wanted to see results that would come up from answering the questions differently.
For example if you wanted the best budget-level steel prostate massager for advanced players and then decided that you were willing to pay more money you could go back to the quiz and answer the same for all the questions except for the cost level and you will get a completely different answer.
Find out which prostate massagers got the highest scores in our Moan-O-Meter rankings for: