How To Be The Best Gay Bottom
So far in our series of posts we’ve only talked about the mechanics of bottoming and rightfully so. We are trying to avoid the kind of pain that’ll make you jump off the bed so fast your shadow has a hard time keeping up. However, concentrating exclusively on mechanics can make you feel like a lab rat in a science experiment, so it’s important to remember why you’re taking this journey in the first place.
You are bottoming to expand your sexual horizons and experience a new dimension of yourself and your partners. You want to feel closer to your partners; you want to give them something of yourself. You want to feel their presence inside you. You want them to dominate you. You want to submit to them. You want to give them mind-numbing pleasure. You want to get mind-numbing pleasure. You want to feel the kind of physical, sexual union that can only come from opening yourself fully to them.
While the mechanical steps to keeping anal sex pain-free are important, so is igniting your sexual imagination, staying present to the beauty of your partner’s body, and enjoying the psychological and emotional journey that being penetrated offers.
You must allow yourself to experience what it’s like to be “taken.” A hard penis is penetrating you. You are being “owned” and you should get the maximum pleasure out of this new experience. This is erotic. It’s sexy. Embrace it.
Let’s talk about how to bottom.
The Road To Hot Sex Is Paved With Anticipation
Even in the dictionary, dick doesn’t come before desire so let’s start there—with desire. Or rather, how to amplify it so that anal sex isn’t just a painless experience but an exalted one.
If you want to experience the highest of sexual highs you must learn how to cultivate an agonizing joy called anticipation. It’s an emotion that mixes enthusiasm, pleasure, excitement—even anxiety— about a longed-for event. Let me illustrate the concept with cookies:
You walk into the home of the guy you want to bottom for and he immediately waves a plate of delicious home-made chocolate chip cookies under your nose. “Eat, EAT!” he says. So you do.
You walk into the same home and he waves a plate of home-made chocolate chip cookies under your nose. “Smell,” he says. You reach for one and he says, “Not so fast! We have to wait for the other guests to arrive.” He puts the plate right in the middle of the table so you’re constantly looking at its chocolaty goodness, salivating and fantasizing how good they’ll taste. Finally, the guests come and he offers you one.
Which cookie tastes better?
The one in the second scenario. Why? Because anticipation amplifies pleasure. It creates so much excitement, activates so many nerve endings that food tastes better with it than without it.
It’s the same with learning how to be a great bottom. Replace the chocolate chip cookies with your partner’s erect penis and you can see what I’m driving at.
HOW TO BUILD SEXUAL ANTICIPATION
Building anticipation works best when there’s a prize, an object of desire, eliciting strong appetites and emotions. Like chocolate chip cookies. Then you can come up with techniques to build the anticipation for it (buying the best ingredients, baking them in the oven so the smells waft everywhere, breaking them open so you can see the gooey chocolate).
We need the same kind of prize for sex, an object of desire, so we can build anticipation around it the way we did with those cookies. What is the sexual equivalent of those chocolate chip cookies?
An erect penis.
Before we can talk about how to build anticipation around sex, we need to be clear about why the erect penis is such an object of desire for us, specifically as it relates to bottoming.
Most men who bottom do it for two related reasons. Physically, they experience intense feelings unavailable to them in other sex acts. Psychologically, they want to submit to the power of a hard dick in a way they cannot with oral or manual sex.
With oral and manual it’s more about what you can do to a dick. In anal, it’s more about what it can do for you. That’s why “dick” is the best way to understand your motivation. By building anticipation around it you can take yourself to the moon and back without involving NASA.
Let’s explore your desire for dick a little further. It’s the secret to being a good bottom. Why are you so attracted to it?
A Hard Dick Is A Powerful Symbol of Something You Love: Masculinity
Generally speaking, gay men are attracted to maleness, strength, and virility and nothing personifies these traits more than the erect cock. It’s strong, it’s hard and it commands you to surrender. It is not just the staff of life but the stuff of dreams. Wet dreams. It epitomizes almost every aspect of masculinity: It’s big, thick, hard, strong, muscled, driven, and, it must be said, without conscience.
If you like a man for being a man, then it’s only natural to crave the symbol of his manhood. When you hold your partner’s erect penis you should (hopefully) be in awe of its strength and want to feel its masculine power in every part of your body.
A Hard Dick Is Proof You’re Desirable
Knowing you can turn your partner on (look at that erection!) is the ultimate sexual compliment; a statement of your desirability. His erection is not only about you, it’s for you. It’s a sexualized electrical current with a feedback loop—he gets excited so you get excited. He sees your excitement and gets more excited. And soon you’re both sucked into a vortex of desire.
A Hard Dick Is Proof You’re Powerful
You have power over anybody you give an erection to. After all, that hard-on is a response to your presence. YOU are eliciting this response. I don’t know of a more convincing display of power than to completely own a man’s attention, to change his physical, emotional, and psychological state. You got him hard? You have him right where you want him. Well done!
A Hard Dick Gives You The Chance To Submit
It is thrilling to yield to the power of a hard cock, to lose yourself in the adoration of the force, might, and power of his hardness. It is exhilarating to feel “owned” by his masculinity. Of showing reverence to Strength.
Submission means that by bending your will to the authority vested in his cock you can experience a form of therapeutic escape, of safety, protection. By glorifying strength you can disappear into the unavoidable nothingness that comes from relinquishing all power. In this scenario, your butt is a spiritual offering, a way to exalt his command of you.
Anal sex is a chance to willingly succumb to his cock— to give yourself over to it, mentally, physically, and spiritually. His cock is your Sun and you orbit around it.
Damn. Anybody else feel like a biscuit that just got buttered? Whew!
A Hard Dick Gives You The Chance To Dominate
Paradoxically, bottoming—the ultimate in surrendering your body to another’s pleasure—is a vehicle to exert dominance. First, you control him with your ability to give him a hard-on. Then, you decide how he’s going to feel by what you do with your butt. Then, you control how he is going to react when you let him do the things he wants to. YOU will be responsible for him having the most sensational, meaningful experience possible.
A Hard Dick Gives You The Chance To Simultaneously Submit & Dominate
Anal sex can give you radically different experiences of power at the same moment. Receiving a thick, hard dick can make you feel both powerful and powerless. On the one hand, you gave Mario a hard-on (a sign of power) but on the other hand that hard-on is going to penetrate you (submission). The Ying and Yang create a delicious Badda Bing Badda Bang.
A Hard Dick Gives You The Pleasure Of Giving Pleasure
The pleasure of giving sits side by side with the pleasure of taking. Like Frieda Kahlo’s eyebrows, they cannot be separated.
A Hard Dick Brings You Emotionally Closer
While there are indeed physical pleasures to extract from anal sex (intense orgasms, for one), the deepest treasures are in the psychological highs they unlock. Here, the forbidden nature of anal sex can be re-appropriated for erotic effect, as nothing fuels hedonism like a little naughtiness.
Both you and your man are at your most vulnerable at the onset of anal sex. For example, you may feel emotionally at risk as you prepare to have his penis inserted into your body.
Mario might feel emotionally at risk as he prepares to “know” you in a kind of intimacy he may not be prepared for. This shared vulnerability increases the potential for connection by easing each other into comfort, rather than withdrawing into separate insecurities.
This is learning how to bottom on steroids.
HOW TO BUILD ANTICIPATION AROUND BOTTOMING
Now that you have a firm grasp of why you want an erect penis inside of you, let’s see how we can build anticipation for it with a technique I call “Suspense-Resolution.”
We experience non-sexual suspense and resolution all the time. For example, the high-schooler dying to find out if he got accepted to his preferred university. The letter arrives.
He rips it open and reads the answer.
It’s nearly midnight and the host is tearing up the envelope for best movie of the year. TENSION. He announces the winner. RELEASE.
It’s match point at Wimbledon. The champion you’re rooting for just missed his first serve. He tosses the ball up in the air to hit the second serve.
It clears the net and lands inside the service box.
Now how do we apply Suspense-Resolution to sex? Let’s say you have a date with Mr. Man, a teeth-achingly beautiful guy who renders you incapable of thought. You invite him back to your place.
Mr. Man slowly takes your clothes off, kisses your body from chest to stomach. He’s headed south. For you, there’s a longed-for event (his mouth on your erection). But there’s uncertainty about whether it’s going to happen (“will he or won’t he?”).
He kisses the inside of your thigh.
He heads away from your crotch and kisses your mouth. Damn! Doesn’t look like the hopeful event is going to happen.
Suddenly he heads south toward your crotch again.
He kisses your balls.
Finally, he puts his wet mouth on your raging hard-on.
An immediate blowjob would have made your blood rise. But Suspense-Resolution carbonated it. Now, let’s see how we can use this concept to heighten your pleasure during intercourse. Because this is how to become a great bottom.
AMPLIFYING THE PLEASURE OF ANAL SEX
Suspense-Resolution is the key to carbonated sex. Like a great piece of music, you create a little tension, gradually increase it, build to a crescendo, and resolve it to orgasmic satisfaction. Like a maestro holding a note for an agonizing eternity, you then resolve it with a chord so burningly satisfying it sets off the smoke detector.
In music, you create tension with moments of unrest or conflict. It helps engage the listener, slowly moving him toward, well, a climax. The best way to create this kind of tension and unrest in bed is to be somewhat unpredictable. Set a pattern and then delightfully scramble it so your partner is left betwixt and befuddled (but always intrigued).
Take kissing for example. If you kiss one way and one way only, you become predictable. Constancy is the enemy of tension, so change things up. Be unpredictable—not in your desire but in how you express it. Move smoothly from passive to active, from slow to fast to back and forth, from dry to wet, to gentle and wild.
Kissing tip: Close your eyes. Otherwise, they’ll look like two giant beach balls to your partner. And who wants to kiss big balls?
Wait. Bad example.
Just like chord progressions create movement in a song, the way you touch, kiss, and move creates energy and tension, which is key to anticipation. After all, you can’t experience relief if you first don’t experience tension.
Quick example of building tension: Your partner moves toward you as if he’s about to kiss you but then suddenly stops a couple of inches away from your lips.
He’s just hovering over you.
He moves an inch closer but…is he going to kiss you or what?
He kisses you.
Increase Tension (Progression)
Great songs give you the feeling of movement, of progressing toward something. There is a subtle movement from low tension to high tension, often in cycles, where a melody falls towards a low point or rises towards a high point over and over, catching our attention.
When a new melody or a new instrument is introduced, we’re curious where it might lead. When the music goes loud or soft, we want to know why. When a rhythm changes quickly or a section finishes abruptly, we wonder what’s next.
You can create different levels of sexual tension using sounds and words. Start with small, almost imperceptible sounds. A tiny rumble here, a soft moan there. Graduate to a gasp here, a pant there, a gulp somewhere else, mixing crescendos and decrescendos in cycles of hissing half-breaths until you reach the summit of suspense: The held breath.
You can also do it with words. Tension requires dialogue not a monologue. Set it alight with Tabasco Talk. If you say, “I want you inside of me” he can say, “I want to start slow and slide it in and out of you so you can feel how hard it is.” Not only are you creating more tension but you’re starting to give each other erotic feedback–knowledge you can use to turn each other on in the future.
The erotic feedback loop is an important part of creating anticipation. You’re not just taking turns speaking and doing–you’re creating an energy spiral. The more excitement you show the more he’ll want to excite you. You say something that turns him on, he responds with something that turns you on and suddenly you’re booked on an interplanetary flight. For a greater exploration of how to “talk dirty” check out my book, How To Talk Like A Porn Star.
Build To A Final Crescendo
In music, chords build toward the highest point of tension. Rhythm, melody, and harmony work in concert to reach the kind of fevered pitch that makes you beg for release. Building to a final crescendo in bed means heating up your body so that it aches for your partner’s hard dick to be inside you.
The best way to do that is to simulate anal sex, tantalizing yourself with imagined pleasure. Get your partner on top of you, missionary style (chest to chest). Feel his heat, smell his essence, and touch his hardness.
As you’re doing that, slowly place his hard dick between your legs so you can feel its heat and strength on and around your anus and perineum.
Put lube in your hands, place them underneath your butt and have him gently thrust his penis into them as if they were your anus. Feel how smoothly it glides through your hands, with the head of his dick softly touching the opening of your anus. Feel the strength and the firmness, and imagine how pleasurable it will be when he actually goes inside you.
This will stimulate your imagination, scramble your thoughts, and hold your body in suspense at the highest point of tension. Now you are ready to be penetrated. Now, the experience won’t just move mountains, it will blow the lid off Mount St. Yellin’.