Why You Shouldn’t Think of HIV As A Gift

Recently there was a good old-fashioned media smackdown when Matthew Ebert took an ax to my blog post “Why Are Some HIV-Positive Gay Men Grateful for Their Disease?” My basic premise was that you should be grateful that you have the strength, support and resources to accept, deal with and live with HIV, rather than being grateful for the virus as some kind of gift.
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How To Deal With Premature Ejaculation

COMING SOON: YOU

 

Premature ejaculation is the most common sexual dysfunction in men under 40. About 30% of men suffer from it. It’s easy to understand how we got here–most of us subconsciously trained ourselves into ejaculating prematurely. As boys, we learned to masturbate quickly. After all, how long can you stay in the bathroom with your mom banging on the door screaming, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE??!!! 

But before you label yourself a Three Stroke Bloke, know that the average session of intercourse lasts about 5 minutes. So even if your partner uses your sessions as a two-minute timer you’re almost halfway to average. 

One condom manufacturer said they only need to test their product for 50 thrusts. Doesn’t say much for male stamina, does it? Still, the question remains: How quick is too quick? How do you define premature ejaculation? Easy. It’s the inability to consciously control or choose when to climax. 

Most guys try to solve the problem by distracting themselves–counting backward from 100 or picturing turn-offs—like dead cats, late bills, or soggy french fries. You couldn’t pick a worse strategy. The problem isn’t that you’re paying too much attention to your body; it’s that you’re not paying enough. 

The first step in overcoming premature ejaculation is identifying and avoiding the point of “ejaculatory inevitability.” Or in plain English, “the point of no return.” That’s when your heave is going to ho and nothing can stop it. 

If you’re like most premature ejaculators, you’re not aware of the subtle cues leading to your orgasms. Fortunately, there is a widely-recognized solution called the “Stop/Start/Change” method. It will take you from a two-pump chump to a long- time champ. Here’s how: 

Stop/Start 

When you’re alone, masturbate until you get close to the “point of no return,” then STOP. Do nothing but focus on the sensation of your penis. The urge to orgasm will subside within minutes. START masturbating again. Do this over and over (Start, stop, start, stop) and you’ll last longer and longer. When you’ve got that down, go to step two. 

Pace 

Instead of stopping as you feel the urge to cum, slow down. Change the speed of your stroke, the pressure you put on it, and the site of your grip. Take your hand away from the head where there’s more sensation to the shaft where there’s less. 

Stop/Start Together 

Have your partner masturbate you until you get close to ejaculatory inevitability then have him STOP. Basically, you’re repeating the pattern we’ve just talked about, only your partner’s doing the work and you’re doing the refereeing. 

Pace

Now have your partner masturbate you until you get close to coming and instead of stopping his masturbation of you, he slows down. Once you get the hang of it you’re ready for penetration.

Intercourse On Your Back

Lie flat on your back with your partner sitting on top. Do NOT use the missionary position because it uses your muscles differently and it’s harder to get relaxed. Insert your erect penis into him. Don’t move. Get acclimatized for as long as it takes, taking in the moist, warm pleasure. 

Now use the stop/start/change method. You move up and down. Getting close? Stop. Wait a few minutes. Now have your partner move up and down. Close? Change the pace.

Intercourse In The Missionary Position

Enter him when you’re on top. Start moving. S-l-o-w-l-y. Keep using the Stop/Start/Change method throughout. If your partner is any good, he’ll pretend it hurts–that way you’ll feel like you’ve got a big one. 

Stay Away From Creams Or Ointments

Never use lotions that claim they’ll help you last longer. They don’t work and you’ll end up rubbing it off on your partner, causing him a loss of sensation. On top of that, he may be allergic to their active ingredient — usually benzocaine (it’s a topical anesthetic used to treat canker sores). 

Memorable sex does not include taking your partner to the emergency room, where the outfits are ugly, the lighting is terrible and they don’t serve drinks.

How To Cum More And Shoot Further Part 8

Peter North, the porn star famous for Supersoaking his co-stars from across the room, was once asked how he was able to shoot so far.  He replied, “I treat my body like a temple.”  He’s right that certain lifestyle behaviors are detrimental to creating more semen volume and explosive ejaculations.  Here’s the short list:

Smoking Is The Gateway To Dribbling.

It constricts blood vessels putting a serious crimp on your erections.  Reduced blood flow means softer hard-ons which means dribbly ejaculations.  Smokers are also more likely to suffer impotence related problems.  Lose the cigarettes.  Your partner has better things to put in your mouth.

Keep Your Crotch Cool.

Your mini-mes (testicles) are delicate creatures (or haven’t you noticed?).  They wilt when they’re exposed to excessive heat.  They’re located outside the body for a reason—they don’t do well at temperatures higher than 98.6 degrees.  You’d be surprised at all the things you do to damage your sperm-producing cadets.  Long rides in heated seats?  Daily saunas?  Ease off. Here are a couple of other things you should be aware of:

Don’t wear tight underwear.  Semen and sperm thrive in slightly lower than normal body temperature.  Tight underwear presses your balls against your body creating a heat trap, which will decrease sperm and semen levels.  

Don’t sit with your legs crossed. At least not for extended periods.  You’re squishing the scrotum against your warm body, increasing its temperature above its ideal range.  

More easy-to-follow, step-by-step guide of all the insights and tactics in this series.  

Now that you know all that goes into cumming like a porn star, how do you put all the pieces together so they’re easier to follow?  Read on.  Consider this chapter a pocket guide for the rocket in your pocket.

Insight:  

A Pressure Chamber Works Better When There’s More Substance In The Chamber To Pressure.

Action:

Make more semen.  You can do this by:

• Drinking more water (at least eight 8-ounce glasses a day).
• Abstain from sex or jerking off for 24-48 hours before your sex date.
• Cut back on alcohol (it dehydrates you).
• “Edge” when you masturbate or have sex.  That means repeatedly getting yourself close to orgasm and backing off.  Then letting ‘er rip.

Insight:

A Pressure Chamber Becomes More Explosive When There Are More External Forces Squeezing It.

Action:  

Strengthen the PC muscles that squeeze semen out of your penis: 

• Tighten and keep them tightened for a count of three, then relax. 
• Contract and relax as quickly as possible (flutter).
• “Pinch & Hold” (tighten and don’t let go till you count to 15).  
• Do them when you’re flaccid but also when you’re hard.
• Do them standing.
• Do them sitting.
• Do them laying down (each position works different areas of the muscles and helps tone them better.)

Start by doing 10 reps of each variation and work up to 100.  On a daily basis for six to eight weeks.

Insight: 

Intensity of Sexual Desire Coils the Pressure Chamber For A Stronger Release.

Action:

Increase your horniness/desire/libido by:

• Identifying what physical activity turns your after-burners on and doing them.  
• Putting more passion into the way you kiss, hold, and shtup your partner.

Insight: 

A Harder Erection—Not A Bigger Dick—Causes Explosive Ejaculations.

Action:

Increase the blood flow to your penis.  Do this by:

• Limiting your alcohol intake to two drinks on your date.
• STOP SMOKING.
• Exercise regularly.
• Make sure your partner works out with you and sniffs your sweat.
• Consider recreational Viagra.

Insight: 

Proven Hand Techniques Will Make Your Spuzz Go Flying.

Action:

Experiment with these recommended hand techniques (see chapter six for details): 

• Squeeze the base.
• Put pressure on the outside of your prostate.
• Tug your balls as they rise when you’re about to orgasm.
• Combine kegels with a “tourniquet” grip in the middle of your shaft.

 

Resources

What We Can Learn From The Hets

Sometimes getting out of something your husband wants to get into takes a little ingenuity.   Honesty can make you look mean, but a good excuse can make you look like a victim. My friend Lisa knows.   She can only say “I don’t feel like it” so many times before her husband Bob thinks she’s just being a bitch.

But if she’s got a headache, or she’s gotta get up early in the morning or she’s too stressed with the kitchen renovation, then she can use pity as a shield.  Now, it’s not that Lisa doesn’t love Bob.  Hell, she’s been married to him 10 years.  It’s that her sexual desire got lost somewhere between Kid Two and Three.   She was explaining the situation to her single friend Susan over coffee one day.

Lisa:  I took one for the team last night.

Susan:  What do you mean?

Lisa:  I had sex on behalf of all women who didn’t feel like it but ran out of excuses.

Susan:  I know what you mean.  How many times can you fake a headache before you give in?

Lisa:  Exactly.  I knew it was coming too when he offered me a massage.

Susan:  Yeah, a massage is never a massage to guys.  It’s always a springboard to sex.

Lisa:   Bob’s an expert in the eleven finger massage.

Susan:  So you had sex when you didn’t want to.   Is that like the marital equivalent of date rape?

Lisa:  Well, it’s only rape if he forces you do it; not if YOU force yourself to do it.

Susan:  Then what’s it called when you force yourself to have sex?

Lisa:  Marriage.

Susan:   Oh, come on!

Lisa:  It’s true. Just you wait.

Susan:  So, did you get into it once you started?

Lisa:  In the beginning I was like, “Stick it in; I got laundry to fold.”  But as it went on I have to admit I started to like it.  And by the end of it I didn’t even have to…

Susan:  …fake your orgasm.

Lisa:  Exactly!  It’s so weird.  I didn’t feel like doing it at all but it ended with one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had!

Susan:  If that’s what waited for me at the end of the road I’d burn up the concrete getting there.  Why wouldn’t you want more sex?

Lisa:  Only a single woman with no kids would ask that.  We’ve been through this before—I’ve got the kids pulling on me all day.  You know how when you’re single and you don’t get touched enough and you’ve got like this sort of ‘skin hunger’ that drives you nuts?

Susan:  Tell me about it!

Lisa:  Well, I get so much affection from the kids that I don’t have that kind of ‘skin hunger’ anymore.  By the time Bob comes home at night I’m all touched out.

Susan:  And exhausted from all the housework and stuff.

Lisa:  Exactly.

Susan:  So why doesn’t Bob help out?

Lisa:  Only a single woman without kids would ask that.

…

Lisa doesn’t know it but she’s stumbled onto a classic strategy for feeding the sex-starved marriage—consenting to sex when you don’t really feel like having it.

Here’s why it works:  Ever turned down food because you weren’t hungry?  Then somebody brings out a home-made apple pie and cuts you a slice.  You take a nibble just to be polite and then the next thing you know you’ve hoovered the plate and asked for seconds.  Well, sex is like that.  You may not feel like having it but once you get a taste of it, next thing you know you’ve hoovered his, well, you get the idea.

If you’re the low-desire partner in a relationship marked by mismatched libidos you need to have sex when you don’t necessarily feel like it.  It’s not about forcing yourself to do something you absolutely don’t feel like doing.  It’s about nudging yourself into something pleasurable, knowing that what starts with a whimper can end in a bang.

 

 

 

 

Solutions For Common Sexual Problems

 

Shame, confusion, fear, anger, frustration, and self-hatred.  These are just a few of the emotions couples go through when they struggle with sexual problems. Here are a few thoughts that may not be unfamiliar to you:

“I feel so humiliated when I can’t get an erection that I sometimes just avoid sex.”

“I’m so ashamed of my body I can’t bear anything but the missionary position.”

“I feel like I’m not a real man because I don’t want to have sex all the time. ”

“I don’t understand how I can love him so much and want so little sex.”

Hope Is Here

Couples can turn their bedrooms into battlegrounds, declaring occasional truces but no real peace. Thankfully, it’s possible to improve your sex life. You just have to be willing to work on it.

Our experience is that some couples resolve their problems faster than others. Why? Because some understand a key concept in sexual problem solving: You’re weakend by what you’re against and strengthened by what you’re for.

If you’re against premature ejaculation (“I can’t stand my partner’s look of disappointment when I finish in a minute”), instead of for staying power (“I want to pleasure my partner until he begs me to stop. “) you’re in for a long, tough fight.

The Reframe

Being against something leaves you hopeless and helpless; being for something leaves you hopeful and optimistic.

Concentrating on what you want instead of what you don’t want is the fastest way of healing your sexual problems. This principle is all the more important when you understand that the source of most sexual problems is psychological, not medical.

They’re caused by stress, worry, and lack of knowledge, which lead to harmful interpretations and unhelpful responses.

Most couples we work with who get the most out of their problem solving didn’t think their failures were a statement of their self-worth. And neither should you. Those couples didn’t fail and say, “I’m rubbish.” They failed and said, “oh, that didn’t work. I wonder if this will.”

Free yourself from the idea that you can’t be helped. It isn’t true. You may be in pain but you don’t have to suffer. Your sex life can be infinitely better than it is right now and this series of posts will show you how to make it so.

Next week we’ll solve our first problem: premature ejaculation.

 

Gay Sex Advice Resources

How To Tune In To What Turns You On Part 2

The Bed  Picnic

This is a favorite because it’s both effective and adaptable. Basically, it involves both of you jumping into bed armed with a whole host of goodies, including an armful of sex books.

The idea is that you look through the books for ideas on new things you’d like to try, getting you both to talk openly about sex.

If you get embarrassed easily or aren’t terribly articulate, it’s much easier to point to a picture and say, “I’d like to try that,” then it is to say, “I’d like you to buy a Batman suit and I’ll pretend I’m Robin and you come up from behind me and…”

Props You’ll Need

Wine, beer, bubbles, fancy cocktails.

The more of a treat you make it the better. Get exotic food to nibble on like chocolate-dipped strawberries or pistachio nuts, food you can feed each other/smear all over like honey, ice cream or yogurt.

One bedroom and about 10 great sex books.

It’s well worth making the investment in buying them, or pop along to the library and borrow them (just be aware the selection may be a little tame). Make sure you get a selection of topics and authors like Kama sutra, hand and oral techniques, anal, fantasy books and good all-arounders to get a broad range of ideas.

How It Works

You can look through the books together or, if you’re embarrassed, flick through them separately and simply earmark the pages or put Post-it notes on stuff which appeals.

When you’re finished, swap and then agree on things you’d like to follow through on,  making sure they put a sparkle in both your eyes. Once you’ve done your homework, have some fun.

Try some things, reading out the naughty bits as foreplay. Have a laugh, have a drink, eat some food, kiss yourself stupid, enjoy yourselves!

What Now?

Aim to have a bed picnic at least once every three months. Done well, it should set you up with enough new ideas to keep things nicely varied in between.

 

Gay Sex Advice Resources

How To Tune In To What Turns You On

 

Before you even think about talking to your partner about ways to make sex better you need a good working knowledge of a person who is crucial to your sexual satisfaction: you.

Unless you know what turns you on and what doesn’t, any discussion about sex is rendered pointless before it even starts. If you’ve got a high sex drive and lots of good experiences with sex, you can probably rattle off a dozen things that do it for you.

People with a lower sex drive sometimes aren’t as well connected with their sexual selves. Others started out with a strong, lusty interest in sex but lost interest and enthusiasm along the way and simply forgotten what they like and don’t.

Whatever situation you’re in the following exercise is designed to help you be as specific as possible about what you need to be happy sexually. Give them a whirl even if you’re reasonably confident – you may well discover even more about yourself.

The Arousal Chart

Our desire levels are fairly predictable. When you’re single, absence makes any sex feel good because you’ve gone without for a while. When you’re at the beginning of a relationship, the thrill of new flesh translates to raw lust, which again makes even okay sex feel great.

Most of us sail through the initial stage, enthusiastically shagging away, without too many problems or too much thought to what we’re doing.

Just when the novelty starts to wear off, real life kicks back in and sex tends to take a backseat.

Early sex is fuelled by passion, a brilliant smokescreen for hiding what the two of you are actually doing to each other. Long-term sex is fueled by technique, imagination and effort.

In other words, the longer you stay together, the more you need to know exactly what turns you on, where, when, and how.

The more specific you are in the more you each know about your triggers (places or things which never fail to make you aroused) the easier it is to keep your sex life steamy.

Once the newness wears off you have to work at turning each other on because desire is no longer automatic.

This is easier than it sounds. It simply requires knowing yourself inside and out, literally. This exercise helps you do just that, when we discover things you’d forgotten about or discover new things you didn’t know you’d like.

How To Get Started

Get yourself some sort of pinboard. Pins. Some plain white cards. A private place in your bedroom to hang it but where you’ll also see it at least twice daily.

We’re going to make a list of sex favorites, write them on the white cards, stick them on the pinboard and update them twice a week for a month or once a day for 7 days if you’re particularly motivated / not terribly busy right now  or on vacation.

I want you to look at the pinboard and really think about what you’ve written and what you’re going to write next. The idea is to focus on sex, to build desire and understand what makes you want to bang your partner senseless when it’s been a long, hard day and all you want to do in bed asleep.

Think about how appealing food is when you walk past the restaurant and you get a delicious waft of your favorite food. Even if you weren’t hungry, all of a sudden you’re ravenous!

Looking through a foodie magazine, watching seductive chocolate ads, all work to give us an appetite. This is exactly the same thing, except with sex. You’re actively stimulating desire rather than expecting it to tap you on the shoulder.

Sample Questions To Ask

What’s my favorite place to have sex?

What’s my favorite time of day to have sex?

What’s my favorite kissing technique?

Where do I like being kissed?

What position and place do I find best to give my partner oral sex?

What position, place, or technique do I like best when receiving oral sex?

What’s one thing I’d like more of sexually?

What’s one thing I couldn’t live without?

What’s my favorite part of foreplay?

What’s my favorite part of my body?

What’s my favorite part of their body?

What part of my body do I most like being kissed, touched or licked?

What part of their body do I most like kissing, touching or licking?

My favorite fantasy is…

It turns me on during sex if I’m wearing…

It turns me on during sex if they’re wearing…

My favorite position for intercourse is?

I like intercourse more when it’s fast, slow, or lasts for (how long)?

Update the cards regularly but keep the old ones pinned underneath. This exercise works if you do it solo, then share the results with your partner at the end or if you do it with them, sharing your thoughts as you go along.

Just one of you can do it or both of you can do it simultaneously or separately. One word of warning: if you’re shy and intend doing the exercise without ever telling your partner what it revealed, you better be one hell of a good non-verbal communicator. The point of figuring out what turns you on it so they can help you do it.

Next week in our series of posts on a how to communicate sexually with your partner: Another great exercise called “the bed picnic”.

Gay Sex Advice Resources

How To Begin Spicing Up Your Sex Life

 

What should you do if you want to spice up your sex life but you don’t know where to start?

You Google ideas and when you type “how to spice up your sex-life” you get a plethora of articles that barely scrape the surface. A lot of the ideas sound fun and interesting but they are a hodge podge of suggestions that don’t address the fundamental issue regarding your sexual boredom.

Then you head over to Amazon looking for books that might help and instead they just confuse you more because these books were made for people who are very certain about how to address their boredom.

For example, there are tons of books on how to be a dominant or a submissive. But what if you don’t know if you would like to be either? Buying those books is like buying books on trigonometry when you haven’t decided whether you like math or not.

So there you are stuck between articles that don’t address the fundamental issue of your sex life and books that assume you have already done that and want detailed information on the subject.

There is a better way of figuring out how to spice up your sex life. But it involves asking yourself a series of questions you may not have ever asked yourself.

THE BIG QUESTION

For example, what do you want out of sex that you’re not currently getting? This, typically for most people, is about increasing physical stimulation. If that’s the case then really all you need to do is improve your sexual skills. Or to be more pointed about it, improving your partner’s skills.

If what you want is a greater emotional connection to your partner you don’t really need to spice up your sex life for that. You need to first start outside the bedroom and work your way in. By that, I mean that often emotional connections that you want in bed are being tampered with outside the bedroom. For example, if you do all the housework and constantly picking up after your partner, you’re going to feel too resentful to feel connected in bed.

But if your partner picks up the slack and  suddenly the housework is split 50-50 then you are far more likely to have an emotional connection in bed.

Most of us assume that those two things– greater physical stimulation and a stronger emotional connection– are the things we want most out of sex. That may be true but it’s only true in the most basic sense.

Sex without those two things would be incredibly dissatisfying. But what if you could get more out of sex than just a more intense orgasm or a greater sense of trust with your partner?

That question begets the main question you should ask yourself: “what do I want out of sex other than greater physical stimulation or a stronger connection to my partner?”

Answering that question will set you off on a journey that will lead to the appropriate options that those articles on Google and those books on Amazon do not address.

Later, in future posts, we will talk about how to answer that all-important question.

 

Gay Sex Advice Resources

How To Flirt On Facebook

 

This is our last post on our flirting on Facebook series. Wrapping things up, we’re going to assume that our strategies worked and you snagged yourself a date. So we want to end the series with preparing for the date and what to do 0n it.

First, common sense safeguards:

Always meet in public.

Don’t ever meet in a private or remote location.

Tell a friend.

Tell a friend or family member when and where you’re going.  Take your cell phone with you!

Stay sober.

This isn’t the time to yell your favorite cheer:  “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!”

Drive yourself to and from the first meeting.

You need to be in control if things don’t work out.

Flirting On The Date

Don’t blow the first meeting by being so boring he falls asleep halfway through the appetizer.  Use these flirting techniques and he’ll be eating out of your hands (and more importantly, picking up the tab!).

Ocular Triangulation. 

When we’re with friends or business associates we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.  With friends, the look moves into a triangle shape:  From eye to eye but also down to the nose and mouth.  Once you start flirting, make the triangle bigger, widening at the bottom to include the neck and top of chest.  Also, look more intensely from eye-to-eye and particularly the mouth.  It makes guys wonder what it’d be like to kiss you. 

Mirroring. 

Do what they do.   If they lean forward to tell you something, lean in to meet them. If they sit back to take a sip of their drink and look you in the eye, pause and do the same.  Why?  We like people who are like us.  Mirroring him will give the impression you’re on the same level and in the same mood.  But be careful.  Mirroring doesn’t mean “Aping.”  Capture the spirit not the exact movements.  Wait about a minute to mirror them.

The Eyebrow Flash. 

When we first see someone we’re attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall.  We’re not conscious we’re doing it because scientists have clocked it at a fifth of a second.  You can signal interest to your guy by prolonging the ‘eyebrow flash’ for up to a second.

Point Him Out.  

You’re probably already doing this subconsciously but if you’re interested point your body toward them—torso, feet, legs, and arms.  Do it even when you’re not looking at them—it sends a subconscious signal of interest.

Blink, Blink. 

Pupil size increases when you see someone you’re interested in.  So does your blink rate.  Try blinking more when you’re talking to him.  If he likes you, he’ll unconsciously try to match your blink rate (remember, interested people subconsciously ‘mirror’ their love interest).

Final Thoughts

Love will fall into your lap but you have to take your lap places.

In other words, if you want to meet a special guy, you have to get out of your comfort zone.  That means taking chances by being the one to initiate a conversation.  It also means getting out of your house.  The advice in this series isn’t meant to keep you at home typing.  It’s to get you out there meeting cute guys.  Facebook is the means, not the end.  

Now, get out there and take your lap (and your fingers) to places they’ve never been!

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips

Texting Resources:

The Guide To Gay Texting

From Text To Sex

How To Talk Dirty In Bed

 

Sex Resources

How To Bottom

How To Top

How To Give Head

How To Cum More

Gay sex books

Gay Sex Advice

Erotic Temperature Quiz