Why Do I Get A Headache After Sex? And Other Oddities

 

What’s the best sexual position if a couple is so fat that can’t reach each other’s genitals? Why does a pornstar’s dick always look so big? How do I make my bedroom soundproof? What’s the best lube? Why do I like to linger in the toilet after I pinched a loaf? Why do I get a headache after sex?

Why? Why? Why? My readers are a bunch of whybabies. Thank God. How would I know what to ask my medical panel if they weren’t? In the near future I will devote many of these whining questions that don’t fit neatly into any categories.

The questions and answers I will post will tend to be more on the medical side. Most are about health conditions that don’t affect a large number of people.

On the non-medical side,  these posts will be some of the most entertaining in the blog. If you’re like me, you’ll look up from the letters and ask yourself, “Where do people come up with this shit?”

Like the straight guy worried that his “fake fagging” was unethical (he plays gay to get chicks who think they can turn him).

Or the guy who bitched slapped a flight attendant to the ground for not putting out and wanted to know if that was okay.

Or the pornstar of several gang fuck videos getting miffed that his real life boyfriend was “passing him around.”

It’s Always Fresh

Somebody recently asked me if I ever get tired of writing this sex column. “How many questions about sex can there be,” he asked, “before they all start sounding the same?”

Only somebody who hasn’t been around gay men much could say something so naive. As Albert Einstein said, “Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”

Maybe someday I’ll get tired of hauling out the stupid meter, pointing it at gay guys and watching smoke billow out of it, but as the letters in the post you will soon read prove, it’s going to be a very long time.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Pre-Cum

 

Ever notice whenever you get an erection that several drops of clear liquid ooze out of your penis? It’s called pre-ejaculatory fluid or pre-cum. About 30% of men have it.

Sexual excitement squeezes the prostate and seminal vesicles and forces the fluids up, ranging from a drop to several drops.

What’s the point of the drops? They serve as a built-in reservoir of lubrication. They also neutralize acid in the urethra from residual urine, keeping sperm safe for their journey to Eggland.

Here are a couple of other penis facts:

The 2% Factor

Only 2% of semen is actually made up of sperm. That’s why men don’t notice any difference in semen volume after they get vasectomies.

How Much Semen Actually Comes Out?

The average man ejaculates about a teaspoonful of semen.

Can Pre-cum Impregnate Women?

Yes, there is enough sperm in pre-ejaculate to impregnate women. That’s why pulling out just before you ejaculate doesn’t always work. Not that we have to worry about that as gay men.

What If I Don’t Like Pre-cum? Can I Stop It?

Because the fluid release is an involuntary bodily function, pre-cum isn’t something you can control.

Does Precum Contain Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

Loads of researchers have identified the presence of human immunodeficiency (HIV) and other sexually transmitted diseases in pre‐ejaculate fluid.

Can You Have Too Much Precum?

Yes. scientists studied a young man who would actually soak through his pants during kissing or other mild erotic stimulation.  This was obviously embarrassing for him. Fortunately, a scientist discovered that a drug called finasteride completely resolved the problem. They believe his glands we’re responding to a hormone called dihydrotestosterone (DHT) instead of testosterone. Finasteride is typically used for the treatment of benign prostate enlargement.

Resources

What’s In Semen?

 

For the most part, semen is made of sugar, water, enzymes, protein, zinc and citric and  ascorbic acid (Vitamin C). There’s not enough of anything in it to cause harm or good.

There’s a wide variety of consistency and viscosity in semen, but for the most part, it comes out white and then turns clear. Here’s why: the two glands that make up most of the liquid in semen are at odds with each other.

The seminal vesicle contains sugars and proteins that cause semen to coagulate, turning it white. But fluid from the prostate gland contains enzymes that break down that coagulation. So basically, your ejaculate doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going. So it does both. It coagulates as soon as it leaves your penis, then immediately goes into liquefaction.

How Much Semen Does The Average Man Ejaculate?

About a teaspoon full.

How Much Protein Is In Semen?

About 250 mg. A decent egg has about 6,000 mg of protein so you’re going to have to do a lot of swallowing if you want to keep up with your breakfast requirements.

How Many Calories In Semen?

Between 5 and 25 calories. Clearly, it’s a liquid diet you could lose weight on.

Is It True There’s A Lot Of Zinc And Semen?

Yes, you can get about 3% of your daily requirement of zinc through semen.

Is Semen Good For The Skin?

There are no studies showing the effects of smearing semen on your face for anti-aging or moisturizing effects. Just because everybody looks young and moisturized on Pornhub doesn’t mean those facials are the reason why.

What’s The Difference Between Semen And Sperm?

Sperm refers to the cells while semen refers to the liquid they swim in.

Know Who’s Responsible For The Gay Obsession On Penis Size? Straight Men.

 

The obsession with penis size didn’t start with gay men but with our counterparts on the heterosexual side.  Have you ever wondered why straight men obsess about penis size when the object of their affection, women, don’t?

In survey after survey women don’t even rank it in the top five things they look for in a man. So if it generally doesn’t matter to women, why does it matter so much to Men?

First, because men tend to have a bigger is better mentality for everything – – cars, wallet, biceps, everything. Men have always regarded size as a matter of status. It kind of makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint because the bigger you were physically the more control and domination you could have around your environment and other people. So size really does matter in that regard.

 

Secondly the only time heterosexual men see other erect penises is when they’re watching porn where every penis needs its own space studio’s parking lot. So they have a completely unrealistic view of what a normal size erect penis looks like.

By the way, that’s true for gay men too. Unless you’re sleeping with a ton of guys on a regular basis most of the penises you’re seeing are in porn or in the locker room.

Stellar tip

Most men compare their penises to other guys in unfavorable ways– they think theirs is smaller. This is because when you see a guy in  the locker room you’re looking from a different angle than when you look down at your penis.

Using different angles to view the same object results in different perceptions of size. If you want to get a more accurate assessment of how you compare against other guys don’t look down at your penis. Use the same angle you use in the locker room.

The best way to do that is to look at yourself in the mirror. It’s the same angle you use to see guys in the locker room.

Back to straight guys for a moment. They still believe that most women orgasm through penetration. So the more they penetrate her with the more sexually satisfied she’ll be, right? Wrong. 78% of women orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris, which is best done by a talented hand or a lubricated time. Preferably both.

The takeaway for all of this? You can attribute the gay obsession with penis size to straight men!

The One-Sentence Secret To Great Sex

 

Ever been told you suck in bed?  I have. By someone I really cared about, too. Boy, did it hurt. Took months to recover. In fact, he’s still walking funny.

The truth is, most of us aren’t very good in the sack because:

We are male, a species that does not particularly concern itself with the needs of others.

We are gay, so every session is a three-way – – you, your partner and your ego.

Nobody taught us how to do it right. Society says we’re not supposed to be doing it at all, let alone doing it well.

The best way to get better at sex is to do whatever the guy was doing to you that made you moan. Copycat sex is the shortcut to greatness. That’s why  I don’t write much about technique. Besides, learning how to ride a man from a book is like learning how to ride a bike from a manual. You’ll never really get it till you mount it.

The expression of desire needs no introduction to tactics. Expressing yourself freely, losing yourself in his smell, finding yourself in his touch, these are the things that make memorable sex.

Sex isn’t about technique; it’s about how you express your desire.

And speaking of expressing, that’s exactly what most of the letters I get on this subject are about: expressing the very milk of human kindness. For example, “why do I drip when I want to shoot? What’s this stuff made of? Is it nutritious? Should I swallow? Should I spit? Should I pasteurize?”

The questions about man milk are endless. As they should be. No point to the cone if you can’t get to the cream.

It does make you wonder, though. All that drama for three lousy tablespoons of joy juice!

What’s The Right Way To Measure Your Penis?

And Other Important Questions About Your Best Friend

Use a cloth measuring tape, not a straight edge ruler.

Measure to the nearest inch, not the nearest foot.

Measure as soon as you undress. The temperature of the room will affect your length and girth. Why miss a millimeter if you don’t have to?

Do not measure the size of the penis connected to the scrotum. Why? Well, where would you stop? That’s a sneaky way to add an inch or two. Nice try. Measure the side of the penis facing your stomach. It’ll eliminate man’s mapmaker mentality. You know, the one that says, 1 inch equals 1 mile.

Place the measuring tape at the juncture of skin between the lower belly and the base of your penis. Then unroll it to the top.

Read It and weep.

Why Is My Penis Darker Than The Rest Of My Body?

It’s part of the sexual maturation process, but it’s also because during puberty you discover someone you’ll shake hands with for the rest of your life. Over the years, masturbation darkens the skin.

Why Is There A Line Going Down My Penis And Testicles?

All men have it. It’s a sort of seam on the underside of the penis. It forms when the fetus is in the uterus. In women, the seam becomes the vagina’s inner lips. In men, the seam closes the urethra along the length of the penis.

Why Do My Balls Move On Their Own?

The scrotum is the sac that holds the testicles, which produce sperm and testosterone, the jet fuel for erections. The muscles in the scrotum are affected by temperature.

When it’s warm, the muscles pull out a deck chair and start sunning themselves, making the scrotum and testicles hang lower.

When it’s cold the muscles fold up the deck chair and bring the boys in for some hot tea.

One testicle hangs lower than the other in 85% of men. And it’s usually the left one.

Testicles seem to have a life of their own. Next time you’re lying in bed naked, look without touching them. Notice how they’re moving by themselves? It’s called testicular circulation – blood coursing throughout the scrotum.

Why Do Gay Men Like To Label Themselves In Bed?

 

Even in the fudge-packing world of butt pirates, as a sex advice columnist, I’m a contrarian. I’ve often been asked what position I prefer, top or bottom. I always answer truthfully and consistently none of your fucking business.

I won’t even answer the question when friends ask. Why? Because unlike my readers, I’m allergic to labels.

The only thing gay men seem to like more than assuming the position is assuming an identity. Oddly, we created whole identities out of sexual positions. Sex has a glorious, unlimited horizon. It’s uncharted territory no matter how many times we’ve been there before. 

It’s a journey toward discovery, an extreme sport, an escapist plot. It’s a tactical game, a tactile trade, a longing proscribed, a desire for bribe. It’s a criminal act, a loving act, sometimes purely an act. It’s all these things, none of these things, some of the time, none of the time, and sometimes at the same time.

And the best description we can come up with is “Top” and “Bottom??

We suck.

Labels take you from liberty to limitation in 60 self-adhesive seconds. If you perform a sexually aggressive act, labels demand you take on a sexually aggressive persona. 

If you perform a sexually receptive act, labels mandate the conception of a submissive identity. Label love turns the principles of pleasure into the politics of penetration.

Other than label love, the letters I get on this subject tend to focus on guys who can’t seem to put anything up their butts, guys who can’t keep anything out of it, and guys who have a love-hate relationship with the whole mess.

The most interesting questions, as always are not the medical ones, but the ones that reveal something much greater than the sex acts they’re inquiring about. For instance, the letter from a butch guy who didn’t want his nelly boyfriend to top him. Interesting question. Would you let a nelly queen fuck you?

Does Having A Big Dick Give You A Better Sex Life?

 

You don’t need to write a sex advice column to know that dick, the great male decisionmaker, suffers from a low IQ and a large appetite, a sometimes deadly but mostly comic combination.

If you did, you’d know what most of the questions I get on the subject of penises are about. I wouldn’t have to spell it out in a big, long, and did I mention thick, letters.

Yes, the size of the prize is what draws the most letters. So let’s put the subject to rest: yes, Size Matters. To size queens. To the rest of us, it’s right up there with six-pack abs and chiseled cheeks – – nice, but nothing we’d throw you out of bed for if you didn’t have it.

First, a fact: condom manufacturers say only 6% of the male population needs extra large condoms. You can imagine how that makes the other 94% feel.

If big dicks mean better sex and that means only 6% of all men have great sex? I don’t think so. And neither do you, but it doesn’t matter. We know great sex has little to do with size yet we obsess about it anyway.

Most of the letters I get about the subject are pathetic. Like how can I make it bigger? How can I at least make it look bigger? The small number of people, size queens, who truly believe that bigger dicks mean better sex, have inflicted a terrible inferiority complex on gay men. 

Nothing captures the poignancy, the pain of this, our magnificent cultural failure, like the letter I received from a twenty-five-year-old. Read it (comes out next week) as it will change the way you think and talk about dick size.

Dick, We Have a Problem

Otherwise, the letters I get on the purple-headed custard chucker are all over the map. Sadly, the inability to ejaculate in the presence of someone you love seems to be a common problem among gay men.

Sadly because it reflects how uncomfortable some of us have become with having sex in the context of love. Gay men have more sex than anyone on the planet and yet in some ways, we’re the most inexperienced at it. By trivializing sex, mechanizing it, sizing it, some of us have ended up removing it, permanently, from intimacy. 

Luckily, this is not the case for most gay men, who struggle with less tragic problems, like figuring out where their next ejaculation is going to land.

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips

Texting Resources:

The Guide To Gay Texting

From Text To Sex

How To Talk Dirty In Bed

 

Sex Resources

How To Bottom

How To Top

How To Give Head

How To Cum More

Gay sex books

Gay Sex Advice

Erotic Temperature Quiz

 

Should You Risk Your Inheritance To Come Out?

Question:

First I wanted to say it’s nice to see a level-headed guy answering questions. I think I have agreed with your responses to all of the posted questions. I’m 22; I was raised in a very small farming community. My dad is as hick as it gets. My parents are divorced and I now live in a much bigger city.

I have come out to my mother and my sister, but I still need to come out to my dad. I feel like I would be a much happier/better person if I did, but at the same time he is helping me out a lot financially (car, rent, school, insurance, and a lawyer which I really need right now). Also, (and I know this is bad to think of) I will be getting a very big inheritance.

I don’t know if I should just say screw it, and tell him, or just keep suppressing my feelings till I’m either in a better financial situation, or never tell him at all. If I tell him, I will be cut out and lose everything. If I don’t, what kind of person will I become?

ANSWER:

You are definitely in the horns of a dilemma: stuck between your dad’s cold heart and your need for financial security. This is a question that doesn’t have a straight (if you’ll forgive the pun) answer. My personal leaning is to not come out unless you are capable of managing the emotional, physical, and financial risks associated with it. It is a personal obligation, I feel, to yourself and to the people around you, to come out at some point.  And truly, the earlier the better. The more we all come out the less prejudice there will be towards us.

That said, I would never urge anyone to come out when they do not have the resources or are not in an emotional state to handle the consequences. Clearly you are not ready to do that.

As for the financial angle what you’re really asking me is if I think you’re essentially taking a bribe for your silence.  I do not. Your financial peace of mind is as important as your emotional state of mind.

It is impossible to come out without some level of risk. If coming out were easy we would all have done it a long time ago. But it isn’t even today. I helped co-create a website called www.familyacceptance.com and I am stunned that even today in 2021 we get thousands of emails from desperate parents who don’t know how to handle their children’s homosexuality. You are not making up the danger that coming out might pose to you. I say, take your time, don’t lie, and wait until the risks of coming out are demonstrably lowered. Not non-existent.  Lowered.