What Not To Do When You Bring Up The Subject Of Your Sex Life

Don’t Talk Immediately After Things Have Gone Horribly Wrong

Erupting into a frenzy, frustrated rant while the bed springs are still bouncing will guarantee that the problem you just had will become a big one even if it wasn’t before.

If sex hasn’t gone to plan, acknowledge it lightheartedly saying something like, “Well, we need to work on that. Let’s have a chat tomorrow when we’re less tired.”

Any discussion about sex needs to be treated with tact and sensitivity. You need to think through what you want to say and how you’re going to say it and that’s not going to happen if you’re in the middle of a red rage.

Don’t Talk When You Just Had A Huge Fight

There have been numerous studies on Angry Couples and they show that people are so flooded with adrenaline when angry they can’t listen effectively or explain their points calmly.

Even if the fight was about sex and now seems the perfect time to finally talk about it, wait at least 20 minutes. That’s the time it takes for the body to return to normal, if you spend it doing some type of calming activity like a walk, making a cup of coffee, etc.

Don’t Initiate The Discussion At Bad Times

When the football game or their favorite TV show is on or they’ve got an important work presentation the next day, choosing to talk about something as important as this when you’re not guaranteed full attention is a waste of time.

Don’t Be Too Bossy

Your tone should be warm and loving.

Gay Sex Advice Resources

https://likeapornstar.net/2021/05/12/19174/

How To Tell Someone They’re Rubbish In Bed

As well as a billion other questions people ask us about talking to their partners about sex (“what do I do if my partner is humiliated / mortified / hates me / shoots me / divorce is me / throws themselves in front of a train”)  the main one people seem to grapple with is how to introduce the topic that might be framed as that relationship-killing move, “Honey, let’s talk about our sex life.”

There are several sneaky ways to avoid a direct assault on your partner. The first is to use something in the newspaper or a magazine or blog post you’re reading. Like this one! Point to an article about someone having an affair and then say, “Honestly, that’s the hundredth person this week who’s cheating on their partner. And I bet it’s about sex! Now, often it isn’t, but that’s not important here.

You could continue and say, are you happy with our sex life? Because I want us both to be completely and utterly satisfied!

He’ll mutter something appropriate and that’s when you step in with, is there anything you’d like me to do in bed that I’m not doing already? There are so many things we could try.

At this stage, they’ll still probably think you’re after reassurances of fidelity but it’s relatively simple to turn it around. Look thoughtful, tap your finger on your chin and say something like, “Actually, now that I think about it, the last time we had sex, I wasn’t quite sure whether you were enjoying what I was doing or not…”

And before you know it, you’re chatting about what they’d like more or less of and it’s relatively easy from there to guide it to what you’d like more or less of. If prompting the discussion by referring to affairs frightens the life out of you, say you had a dream that the two of you split up and it was truly awful. Hug them and say, I’d hate for that to happen. Are you happy with our relationship? What about our sex life? And continue as explained before.

Okay, now that you have the gist of it here are the nitty-gritty details to make it as painless as possible for both of you.

Don’t Talk In The Bedroom

That’s where all the action probably doesn’t happen, so it’s a no-go zone. Ideally, you’d choose somewhere both of you feel comfortable and share nice ‘couple memories.’ If you’re both snuggle up and watch the television types, talk on the sofa you usually sit on (that’s with the television off obviously).

If your best time together is when you’re both cooking dinner, bring it up while you’re pottering about in the kitchen. You can always stop what you’re doing to talk. What’s important is that the environment feels non-threatening.

Introduce The Topic In A Light-hearted Way

Saying, sit down, we need to talk, works for some but terrifies others. I suggest not beginning the discussion with, “We need to talk about our sex life,” or even worse, “I’m not happy with our sex life.” The only time that works is if your partner is avoiding talking about it and it’s a desperate last resort.

The reason why you shouldn’t be direct is because people stop listening when they hear something shocking or hurtful. If you say, “I hate it when you give me oral sex,” they won’t hear anything you say after that, even if it’s, “but you are absolutely fantastic and everything else.” They’ll be stuck back at “oh my God he thinks I’m crap at ora,” for about a half an hour, possibly more — days, months, years.

Start With A Positive

Saying, “When you kiss me, I almost throw up,” won’t score you sexual brownie points now will you see improvement in their kissing technique. Instead, start by complimenting them on what they are getting right, even if it’s “I love the way you look at me when we kiss.”

Or try pretending that they are already doing what you like. Say, “I love it when you kiss me really softly,” even if they never have, and it’ll ensure that the next time they do kiss you, they’ll be more gentle.

Say What You Want More Of, Not Less Of

Again, it’s all psychological. Asking someone to stop doing something is a negative. Asking them to do more of something is a positive. Instead of, “When you touch my penis, I can hardly feel it. It’s almost like you’re scared of it,” say, “I love it when you touch my penis. Can you do it a bit harder?”

Do Unto Others

Most people do to their partners what they’d like done to them. If you’re a sucker for your neck being nibbled, it’s likely you’ll nibble theirs. Give them the attention you’d like in bed. Astute lovers know it’s rare to do something to someone you don’t like yourself.  This obviously works in reverse, so pay attention.

Use Body Language

When they do something you like, don’t just think, “At last!” Let them know they’ve hit the spot. Over-exaggerate your response. He won’t be able to help but get the message. Groan and moan, press yourself closer to them.

If you don’t like what they’re doing, do the opposite. Pull back slightly twist away and redirect their hand, mouth, bits to where you’d prefer it.

Don’t Reject, Redirect

If he’s touching your nipples and you don’t like it, take his hand and put it somewhere you would like to be touched. Pushing away someone’s hand is rude and a turn-off. Lifting it to place it somewhere else, with a sexy, cheeky expression on your face, is a turn-on.

Give An Explanation

Why don’t you like what your partner is doing? Is it because it hurts? It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “Ouch! That hurts!” in a jokey way. If he gets offended, explain it’s just your thing.

If they’re very easily offended, say, “God, that feels delicious (even though it obviously doesn’t) can you do it a bit harder / softer?” Keep directing till they get it right and then, and this is crucial, you will reward all that hard work with “Oh God, that’s just perfect!”

Waxing lyrical about how fabulous they just made you feel will soothe any paranoia about having to be redirected.

Next week: What Not To Do When You Bring Up The Subject Of Your Sex Life

Gay Sex Advice Resources

How To Use Body Language To Determine The State Of Your Sex Life

You can learn more about a couple’s sex life from how they communicate out of bed than from what they do in it.

It makes sense. If you’re desperately unhappy in your relationship, forcing yourself to pucker up for a hello kiss and having to hide your joy when being told your partner has to attend a week-long conference in Siberia, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be eagerly grabbing for his bits once you’re under the covers. If you want great sex tonight, treat your partner well today.

Sometimes it’s blatantly obvious your relationship’s going through a rough patch. You know, like maybe the last time you sat at the table together there were divorce lawyers present.

Other times, you think things are okay, but you’re not entirely sure. You’re happy enough but are they? Are those congratulatory champagne clinks on anniversaries real or is your partner putting on a brave face because he doesn’t want to hurt you?

It’s in situations like these where body language comes into its own. Forget what they’re saying, look at the messages their body is sending you. It takes courage to say “honey, I think we’re in one hell of a rut,” voicing their on happiness because it suddenly makes discussing the problem inevitable.

This is why their body will often tell you they’re unhappy before their words do. See how you and your partner score on the following and if you’re not satisfied, it’s time for one of those dreaded but necessary “We need to talk” chats.

Your Relationship Is In Great Shape If…

They Look You Straight In The Eye.

Direct eye contact means they have nothing to hide.

They’ll Sit On The Sofa Beside You.

As opposed to sitting in a separate chair. Wanting to be physically close during relaxation time means the relationship gives them comfort and it isn’t stressful.

Your Upper Torsos Are Closed When You Hug Each Other.

As a general rule, the closer your hearts, the closer you feel emotionally.

You Press Pelvises When You Hug.

The closer the hips, the better and more frequent the sex. If you closely connect from your shoulders right through to your knees, you have a perfect balance between great sex and love.

They Touch Their Forehead To Yours.

They do this when you hug or just before you kiss. This is a sign of great trust and affection.

Your Relationship May Not Be In Great Shape If…

They Stand Far Apart From You.

Physical distance usually equates to emotional distance.

The Only Time You Seem To Touch Is When You Meet.

That is, when you say goodbye or have sex. You’ve lost physical intimacy and turned into friends with benefits.

They Lean In To Kiss You Hello And Goodbye.

As opposed to snuggling in and getting close.

They Avoid Meeting Your Eyes.

They’re hiding something or someone. Or want to avoid acknowledging how bad the relationship has become.

Their Body Language Is Closed.

We use closed body language – trying to put barriers between us and another person – to protect ourselves. If they always seem to fold their arms, hold their drink between you, cross legs away from you or lean back in a way, it’s not great news.

Next week’s post: how to tell someone they’re rubbish in bed.

How To Talk About Sex When Things Go Wrong

For our series on how to talk to your lover about sex –without cringing or turning red, we begin by acknowledging that many if not most people find it embarrassing to talk about sex.

Actually, that’s a ridiculous statement. Almost all of us have problems talking about sex because it’s such a taboo territory. It isn’t just the subject itself but what the discussion usually entails. Namely, that things aren’t going well. That is an admission most of us don’t want to make (or hear).

One of the problems is that sex is shrouded in such mystery and secrecy that it might as well be at the bottom of a pile of heavy, old myths. Like the one that says if you love someone, you’ll know exactly what to do to please them, without ever uttering (or hearing) a word of instruction.

Psychic Sex

Are we supposed to practice psychic sex? In addition, there is a false perception that we’re born good lovers. As if no one has to be educated about sex. As if you’re supposed to know what a frenulum is, where the prostate is located, and how to get around common sex problems without ever been taught or told.

Where this Divine knowledge stems from isn’t explained but the end result is that most people’s sex lives are half as good as they could be.

We’re going to fix that with this series of posts on clever sexual communication.  We’ll show you how to air your sexual anxieties as painlessly as possible.

You may be squirming at the mere thought of having to confess to your partner that something’s wrong but let’s make something abundantly clear here before you decide it’s all too difficult and stick your head back in the sand. If your partner is not making you happy in bed, you have four choices:

Dump Them

Find someone else. That’s an excellent solution if you’re only with them for sex but unlikely since they’re bad at it (!)

Put Up With It

Resign yourself to a lifetime of frustration, resentment, and dissatisfaction which inevitably accompanies putting up with bad sex.

Put Up With It That Have Sex On The Side

That’s called an affair and there are plenty of reasons why that isn’t the answer.

Talk About It

Suffer half-an-hour of possible embarrassment and more than likely turn bad sex into mind-blowing, amazing sex.

So what will it be? Excellent. Now that we got that out of the way the rest is easy. Sort of.  In our next post, we’ll be discussing possibly the biggest burden on your sex life: what’s happening outside the bedroom.

Why Do I Get A Headache After Sex? And Other Oddities

What’s the best sexual position if a couple is so fat that can’t reach each other’s genitals? Why does a pornstar’s dick always look so big? How do I make my bedroom soundproof? What’s the best lube? Why do I like to linger in the toilet after I pinched a loaf? Why do I get a headache after sex?

Why? Why? Why? My readers are a bunch of whybabies. Thank God. How would I know what to ask my medical panel if they weren’t? In the near future I will devote many of these whining questions that don’t fit neatly into any categories.

The questions and answers I will post will tend to be more on the medical side. Most are about health conditions that don’t affect a large number of people.

On the non-medical side,  these posts will be some of the most entertaining in the blog. If you’re like me, you’ll look up from the letters and ask yourself, “Where do people come up with this shit?”

Like the straight guy worried that his “fake fagging” was unethical (he plays gay to get chicks who think they can turn him).

Or the guy who bitched slapped a flight attendant to the ground for not putting out and wanted to know if that was okay.

Or the pornstar of several gang fuck videos getting miffed that his real life boyfriend was “passing him around.”

It’s Always Fresh

Somebody recently asked me if I ever get tired of writing this sex column. “How many questions about sex can there be,” he asked, “before they all start sounding the same?”

Only somebody who hasn’t been around gay men much could say something so naive. As Albert Einstein said, “Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”

Maybe someday I’ll get tired of hauling out the stupid meter, pointing it at gay guys and watching smoke billow out of it, but as the letters in the post you will soon read prove, it’s going to be a very long time.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Pre-Cum

Ever notice whenever you get an erection that several drops of clear liquid ooze out of your penis? It’s called pre-ejaculatory fluid or pre-cum. About 30% of men have it.

Sexual excitement squeezes the prostate and seminal vesicles and forces the fluids up, ranging from a drop to several drops.

What’s the point of the drops? They serve as a built-in reservoir of lubrication. They also neutralize acid in the urethra from residual urine, keeping sperm safe for their journey to Eggland.

Here are a couple of other penis facts:

The 2% Factor

Only 2% of semen is actually made up of sperm. That’s why men don’t notice any difference in semen volume after they get vasectomies.

How Much Semen Actually Comes Out?

The average man ejaculates about a teaspoonful of semen.

Can Pre-cum Impregnate Women?

Yes, there is enough sperm in pre-ejaculate to impregnate women. That’s why pulling out just before you ejaculate doesn’t always work. Not that we have to worry about that as gay men.

What If I Don’t Like Pre-cum? Can I Stop It?

Because the fluid release is an involuntary bodily function, pre-cum isn’t something you can control.

Does Precum Contain Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

Loads of researchers have identified the presence of human immunodeficiency (HIV) and other sexually transmitted diseases in pre‐ejaculate fluid.

Can You Have Too Much Precum?

Yes. scientists studied a young man who would actually soak through his pants during kissing or other mild erotic stimulation.  This was obviously embarrassing for him. Fortunately, a scientist discovered that a drug called finasteride completely resolved the problem. They believe his glands we’re responding to a hormone called dihydrotestosterone (DHT) instead of testosterone. Finasteride is typically used for the treatment of benign prostate enlargement.

Resources

What’s In Semen?

For the most part, semen is made of sugar, water, enzymes, protein, zinc and citric and  ascorbic acid (Vitamin C). There’s not enough of anything in it to cause harm or good.

There’s a wide variety of consistency and viscosity in semen, but for the most part, it comes out white and then turns clear. Here’s why: the two glands that make up most of the liquid in semen are at odds with each other.

The seminal vesicle contains sugars and proteins that cause semen to coagulate, turning it white. But fluid from the prostate gland contains enzymes that break down that coagulation. So basically, your ejaculate doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going. So it does both. It coagulates as soon as it leaves your penis, then immediately goes into liquefaction.

How Much Semen Does The Average Man Ejaculate?

About a teaspoon full.

How Much Protein Is In Semen?

About 250 mg. A decent egg has about 6,000 mg of protein so you’re going to have to do a lot of swallowing if you want to keep up with your breakfast requirements.

How Many Calories In Semen?

Between 5 and 25 calories. Clearly, it’s a liquid diet you could lose weight on.

Is It True There’s A Lot Of Zinc And Semen?

Yes, you can get about 3% of your daily requirement of zinc through semen.

Is Semen Good For The Skin?

There are no studies showing the effects of smearing semen on your face for anti-aging or moisturizing effects. Just because everybody looks young and moisturized on Pornhub doesn’t mean those facials are the reason why.

What’s The Difference Between Semen And Sperm?

Sperm refers to the cells while semen refers to the liquid they swim in.

Know Who’s Responsible For The Gay Obsession On Penis Size? Straight Men.

The obsession with penis size didn’t start with gay men but with our counterparts on the heterosexual side.  Have you ever wondered why straight men obsess about penis size when the object of their affection, women, don’t?

In survey after survey women don’t even rank it in the top five things they look for in a man. So if it generally doesn’t matter to women, why does it matter so much to Men?

First, because men tend to have a bigger is better mentality for everything – – cars, wallet, biceps, everything. Men have always regarded size as a matter of status. It kind of makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint because the bigger you were physically the more control and domination you could have around your environment and other people. So size really does matter in that regard.

Secondly the only time heterosexual men see other erect penises is when they’re watching porn where every penis needs its own space studio’s parking lot. So they have a completely unrealistic view of what a normal size erect penis looks like.

By the way, that’s true for gay men too. Unless you’re sleeping with a ton of guys on a regular basis most of the penises you’re seeing are in porn or in the locker room.

Stellar tip

Most men compare their penises to other guys in unfavorable ways– they think theirs is smaller. This is because when you see a guy in  the locker room you’re looking from a different angle than when you look down at your penis.

Using different angles to view the same object results in different perceptions of size. If you want to get a more accurate assessment of how you compare against other guys don’t look down at your penis. Use the same angle you use in the locker room.

The best way to do that is to look at yourself in the mirror. It’s the same angle you use to see guys in the locker room.

Back to straight guys for a moment. They still believe that most women orgasm through penetration. So the more they penetrate her with the more sexually satisfied she’ll be, right? Wrong. 78% of women orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris, which is best done by a talented hand or a lubricated time. Preferably both.

The takeaway for all of this? You can attribute the gay obsession with penis size to straight men!