Gay Dating Advice ResourcesKnowledge is power. Get a little knowledge get a lot of power. In that spirit we present the most comprehensive resource list for gay dating. From books and articles to apps and sites you’ll see an amazing collection of knowledge and wisdom. Enjoy!
Gay Men’s Guide to Love and Relationships
How to Survive Your Own Gay Life
Long Distance DatingThis poignant letter from Chicago asks an important question: What do you when you live in Boystown and he doesn’t? I’m not talking about the possibility that he just lives a couple of Metro stops up, like in Andersonville, but a couple of states away. It’s time for a little Chicago gay dating advice! Here’s his question:
I met the most wonderful, awesome, man I’ve ever known in my life on a gay dating app a little over a year ago and we’ve been in an LDR (Long Distance Relationship) ever since, hooking up at least every 3 to 4 weeks, taking short trips together, and spending many days & nights of pure euphoria and ecstasy together. I have not experienced such raw passion from another guy since my ex many years ago. At first I was totally infatuated with him, then obsessed, and now I am completely in love with him, and all of this was way beyond my control. Not only is he totally HOT but he has been so good to me it’s unbelievable. It is however, an uneven relationship. I’m in love, he is not, but I am so fortunate to have him in my life that I’ll accept him on any terms and I’d be a fool not to. We have agreed to be totally honest with each other and while I can’t even imagine getting physical with anyone else, with him it remains a possibility. And because we have no secrets, he’s told me that it’s happened once since we’ve known each other, with a “part time” boyfriend in another city.
His honesty overrides anything that might happen and just makes me love him more. I believe him and have no problem with it. I told him that I love him, don’t own him and possession and jealousy just aren’t part of that love. I just want what’s best for him, and of course for him to be careful. Guess I’m just venting here because I have no intention or desire to change anything about our relationship, but I’m wondering if you have any thoughts about it. What kind of gay dating advice would you give me? Thanks for “listening”.
I am going to answer this letter very soon but for now I want to know what you guys in Chicago think. Just put your answers in the comment section and if they are particularly good I will use them in my own answer.
How To Start A Sex Advice Column
Great things can come from someone saying “NO.” My column is a testament to that. Years ago Dan Savage’s syndicator told the publisher of a gay entertainment magazine that he would not sell the gay author’s column to gay newspapers. How’s that for irony?
The editor was Chris Crain, the visionary editorial director of the now-defunct Window Media, once the largest chain of gay newspapers. Chris called me up one day and said, “I want you to write about sex.”
“Sure,” I responded. “Send me your cutest employees and I’ll get started.”
So the first lesson in starting a sex advice column is to turn somebody else’s NO into your own private YES. The second is to have a champion. For example, mine showed great courage in standing up to enormous pressure from easily offended gay schoolmarms to pull the column on a count that it made so much fun of easily offended schoolmarms.
Third, is to have a distinguished and often sober panel of experts. For example, I had Richard Banconi, MSW. His warped get flawless logic (“beauty is only a light switch away)” significantly affected the way I wrote the column.
I also had Brad Thomason, Ph.D, who was literally my psychologist in residence. We lived together as boyfriends for the first two years that I wrote the column. I depended on him to give me the clinical view of my psycho readers and for that I thank him. And also because he let me steal his best lines. Like the title of my first book–Men Are Pigs But We Love Bacon. It was his response to a friend wondering how he could have dated me.
I also had three board-certified Family Practice Physicians who made themselves available for my impertinent questions: The funny, fresh-faced scion of the busiest gay practice in the southeast, and my own personal physician. If I had his bedside manner, I would have been too busy f****** to write this book. The lesson: You’ve got to have experts around you that make you sound like you know what you’re talking about.
A Dialogue About Sexual Fantasies Overheard At A BarSteven: How was last night?
Alex: I did what you suggested and it worked.
Steven: You got him to tell you one of his fantasies?
Alex: (looks away) Yep.
Steven: Ooooo, and?
[Read more…] about A Dialogue About Sexual Fantasies Overheard At A Bar
Divas, Dilettantes and Sexist Double StandardsThe word “Diva” is looking for warmer climates. It started out as the Italian word for Goddess. It migrated south to the opera house, as a way of describing temperamental singers.
Then it perched in the gay community where it was camped up to describe the hysterics of males or females. Especially males dressed as females.
Then it migrated to pop music, where VH-1 used it to describe best-selling female vocalists. Watching the latest pop stars elbow each other out of the way, it was clear the word’s sagging Prima Donna connotation had gotten a face-lift.
Still cold, the word flapped its wings and landed on its warmest spot yet—the pages of business magazines.
It’s everywhere. Fortune magazine calls their monthly marketing columnist “The Direct Marketing Diva.”
Business Week called Office Depot’s chief of web commerce the “e-Diva.”
McGraw-Hill titled a book on women who pioneered the Internet “Dotcom Divas.”
A few years ago Mediaweek selected me as a top achiever in the media-buying business, giving me the award for Best Media Plan of the Year.
I was the deal. Got a plaque and a four-color profile in the magazine. But mostly what I got was respect. From my bosses, my clients, my peers.
Recently, Business-to-Business Magazine selected a girlfriend of mine, a Public Relations executive, as a top achiever.
Only she wasn’t the deal. Yeah, she got the plaque and the four-color profile. What she didn’t get was respect.
Mediaweek called me a “Leader.”
Business to Business called her a “Diva.”
I got respect; she got snickers.
I got a pat on the back; she got a slap in the face.
I had clients reverently asking my opinion about their business. She got clients snidely asking if “Her Divaness” had any words of wisdom she could share with the little people.
I was given my due. She was given a tiara. A gag gift from her own networking group.
My associates threw me a party. Hers threw her a box of bath powder called “Diva.” The one that advertises its “High Maintenance formula” for women inclined to hissy fits.
As the word “Diva” migrates to the warmer climates of mainstream use it still carries its derogatory roots. In fact, “Diva” is the new trivializing label for accomplished businesswomen.
And yet it’s an appropriate word because it so perfectly captures the ambivalence we have towards tough, successful businesswomen.
By calling them “Divas” we get to recognize their achievements AND undercut their authority so we don’t feel so threatened.
My girlfriend should have been anointed as a great leader, not crowned as a petulant star. If she had different anatomy she’d have gotten a different tribute.
When a respected magazine says you’re a pillar of the community you should get congratulated, not ridiculed.
The word “Diva” isn’t going away. It’ll simply find a warmer place to roost. I can only hope it returns to the stretch-limo, where it belongs.
What Not To Do In Role-PlayMy partner and I want to try fantasy and role-play but we don’t know how to start and don’t even have a clear idea of our own fantasies. How can we formalize our fantasies in a way that we can act them out?
Start by asking yourself how you want to feel or how you want people to react to you. Do you want them to adore you? Hate you? That’s your starting point.
Then imagine what type of person epitomizes that feeling to you. In other words, what role your partner will need to play.
Be warned that you may not share each other’s fantasies, but you can take turns, so your partner could be the supporting actor in your fantasy and the star in his own.
And it’s a good idea to try swapping roles, playing one may give you ideas about the other.
Other aspects to consider are location, costumes and music, all of which will make your fantasy seem more real.
And remember that one of you has to take control of the fantasy. If one of you is going to strip, somebody’s got to decide how. I say if it’s your fantasy then you be the boss.
Just be careful that you don’t accidentally hurt your parent’s feelings. One couple I know tried playing a doctor/patient role. Things went south quickly when the fitter partner said, “Hello, I’m Dr. Smith, I see you’re here to lose a lot of weight.”
Finally, being in character may give you the confidence to try new things and expand your sexual horizons, so I heartily recommend role-playing.
Meet Dick, Your Decision-Maker
Why do men give their penises nicknames? Because we like to be on a first-name basis with the boss.
So let’s meet your decision-maker. The penis has a head (glans) with a much higher concentration of nerve endings than the shaft. The glans has a coronal ridge separating it from the shaft (the outer edge of the helmet). On the underside of the penis there’s a small triangular region where a thin strip of skin called a frenulum attaches to the glans.
Both the coronal ridge and the frenulum are highly sensitive. If it’s true that men think with their penis, then this is the command center.
About 80-90% of American men are circumcised (compare that to 95% of men in the UK being uncircumcised). The good news for those 95% is that uncircumcised penises are more sensitive. They’re protected from rubbing, scratching and scraping against clothing.
However, there are arguments for and against circumcision. Uncircumcised men have to be more conscientious about cleaning their penis than their circumcised counterparts. That’s because smegma, a cheesy secretion, can form under the foreskin unless it’s cleaned daily. While clinical studies show smegma has anti-bacterial and antiviral properties, it also has smelly ones too.
There’s a small strip of skin bridging the gap between your scrotum and anus. It’s called the perineum and it’s highly sensitive to the touch because it’s packed with nerve endings. In the south, the perineum is known as the “T’aint.” Because it t’aint your balls and it t’aint your ass.
Ask your partner to stroke it gently or press one or two fingers upwards, where the hyper sensitive prostate resides. Stay tuned for an upcoming post on how to massage your prostate externally (through the perineum) and internally, with a prostate massager.
Body Image In The BedroomEditor’s Note: While this excerpt from Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat is meant for women, the relevance of the subject to gay men was so obvious we decided to publish it. Enjoy!
“My boyfriend flirts with other women right in front of me. He’ll compliment a waitress or look a little too long at one of my friends. They’re always thinner than I am, which makes me think it’s his way of saying I’m too fat.”
Belinda, 29, Cincinnati, OH
You may be the one smoking with hurt but if you have a partner he’s breathing it in. Second-hand suffering is hazardous to his health. He’s feeling rejected, hungering for your touch, and having his opinions dismissed (“I love your body but that doesn’t seem to mean much to you”).
You have shared custody of your body consciousness problem. You may own the issue but he’s making a lot of the payments. He’s got a vested interest in helping free you from body consciousness in the bedroom, and my guess is that he’d be more than willing to do whatever he can. So hand him this chapter. He’ll get a better understanding of what you’re going through and find out ways he can help.
Okay, guys, has she given you the book? Good. Read it when she isn’t around. Otherwise, she’ll have one eye on what she’s doing and one eye on your reactions. And really, that’s not an attractive look.
What about me?
You’re hurt, angry and rejected. What’s especially galling is that nothing on your end has changed. You’re still the same guy she was attracted to when you first met. You haven’t let yourself go, you’re reasonably attentive to her, and other areas of your relationship are in a decent state. In some cases, sex was problematic from the start. In others, it was fine, maybe even great, but then things went south. What happened?
Hearing that she feels too bad about her body to have sex seems ridiculous to you. After all, look at her! She’s beautiful! And doesn’t she see your hard-on? Does she not know the penis never lies? You start feeling isolated. You wonder how she can sleep so peacefully when you lie there looking at her with so much longing. You resent that she controls the sexual relationship. The sex seems so infrequent and meager you feel like she’s doling it out as if she has to make it last until the end of the month.
Thoughts flash through your mind: She no longer finds you attractive, she doesn’t love you, you don’t sexually satisfy her, she’s cheating on you. Sometimes she dismisses your needs as pure horniness, as if all you wanted was a release and didn’t care how you got it. She doesn’t understand that the only way you feel really connected is when you’re touching, holding and making love. That it makes you feel like a man, a man who knows how to take care of his woman. She doesn’t understand that sex–her touch, her warmth, your union with her– is the way you express and receive love. That when sex goes, it’s not like a cookie got taken away, it’s like the foundation of your love cracked.
Up to now, you’ve probably been kept in the dark about why sex dried up like a peach in the back of the fridge. Women don’t exactly announce their body anxieties (“Honey, I’m going to avoid sex, and if you guilt me into it I’m going to shut the lights, wear camouflage clothing, pretend that I like it, hope it goes by quickly and emotionally detach from it because I feel bad about my body”).
Nobody announces their shame. But if you’ve been paying attention you’ve picked up a few clues–constant talk about losing weight, using the gym as punishment, self-deprecating insults, yo-yo dieting, and sometimes purposefully looking bad because she feels there’s no point in trying.
It isn’t your fault. You are not the cause of the problem but that doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to the solution. There are some subtle and not-so-subtle things you can do to neutralize her appearance anxiety and have the kind of sex that will take your relationship to the next level.
Walk a mile in her pumps
Start with empathy. It’s probably hard for you to imagine being so ashamed of your body that it would overwhelm your natural desire for sex, but let me paint a picture for you.
Pretend you’re hung like a gnat with erectile dysfunction. You’re deeply ashamed of it, and no matter how many times your partner says she loves the size of your penis, you know she’s lying. You know when you’re making love she’s fantasizing about somebody who’s hung like the Florida panhandle. You know because you’ve seen the vague look of disappointment when you enter her.
You fall into a mild depression and crawl around in a chronic state of anxiety. You start putting conditions on sex. You avoid positions that give her a full frontal view of your penis. You turn off the lights because darkness makes the shame more bearable. Over time your libido decreases to protect you from the possibility of humiliation. She’s frustrated at the lack of sex but you don’t give her an explanation. Shame, fear and embarrassment stops you from being honest. So you withdraw–even though you love her. You cut back or avoid sex–even though you find her attractive. You reject her advances–even though you hunger for her touch.
And here’s the real irony: You don’t have a small penis. You just think you do. It’s objectively average, maybe even a little bit bigger than average. She even tells you this, but you don’t believe her. You think she’s lying to make you feel better. You know because you watch porn and you don’t come anywhere near the size of the guys in those videos. You know because you shower in the locker room, compared yourself to other guys and came up short. You’ve checked yourself in the mirror. She’s wrong. THE MIRROR NEVER LIES. You’re convinced you have a small penis and the fact that she disputes it proves how blind she is. She’s just trying to make you feel better and you know it.
The point to this story, and there really is one, is that it’s actually quite easy to put yourself in your partner’s position. And once you understand how shame and embarrassment can twist reality into a pretzel, you’re empowered to help. Because now you can lay aside any feelings of inadequacy, anger and resentment. Now you know it’s not you she’s avoiding, but the potential to be shamed. Now you know it’s not you she’s rejecting, but her appearance. Now you know, it’s not you against her, but both of you against the problem.
You mission, should you decide to accept it, is to build up her body confidence, help awaken her sleeping libido and have the kind of sex that keeps her mind off her body and onto that small dick of yours.
I kid. The first step in your journey is to learn the art of…
Affection for affection’s sake
It’s hard for men to grasp the idea of affection’s intrinsic value. To most men, touching and kissing is like riding a train–you get on it because you want to go somewhere, not because the seats are comfortable. It’s not some evil plot men hatched against women, it’s just the way we’re wired:
Touch + Kiss + Hot Woman= Erection.
But women operate under a different kind of math:
Touch + Kiss + Hot Man= Fulfillment Which Might Or Might Not Lead To Sex.
This fulfillment creates a variety of emotional states–feeling valued, appreciated, loved, desirable, essential, protected, important, safe, and taken care of. Those feelings are intrinsically valuable in and of themselves. While it’s generally true that women need to feel loved and appreciated to have sex, they resent it when you presume that every show of affection has a sexual agenda attached to it.
When a peck on the cheek turns into a tongue in the tonsils, when every hug turns into a grasp of the buttocks, when every massage turns into an eleven-finger rub-down, it doesn’t take long before she becomes suspicious of every gesture of affection. Now, every time you sit close to her when you’re watching tv she’ll scooch away. When you give her a kiss on the lips, she’ll give you her cheek. When you put your arm around her she’ll brush it off.
By making affection inseparable from sex you guarantee a steady stream of rejection. She feels pressured and harassed and you retreat into anger, resentment and despondency. Ending the sexual stalemate requires you to understand an essential paradox:
Women don’t want sex without affection but affection doesn’t mean they want sex.
I love taking walks through a beautiful park across the street from where I live. I also love tennis. The only way I can get to the tennis courts is to walk through this beautiful park. But just because I enjoy walking in the park doesn’t mean I necessarily want to go to the tennis courts. Affection, like walking in the park, is its own reward, and its allure is sometimes ruined if it always leads to the tennis courts. If your partner retreats from you every time you go in for a kiss or a hug it’s a sure bet you’ve dragged her through the park to get to the tennis courts when she was just hoping to get a little fresh air.
The art of Agenda-Free affection
Kiss her and walk away. Put your arm around her shoulders and keep them there. Hug her without going past her belt buckle. Don’t grind your hips when you hold her. Show agenda-free affection. Do it for a week and you’re going to be amazed at the change in her–and in you. There will be no wiggling away, no turning her cheek, no flipping your arm off her shoulder. The sexual stalemate will recede because without the pressure for sex, she can stop being on guard and enjoy your touch. This is important to you on a number of fronts. It reduces some of the skin hunger that drives sexual desire, leaving you feeling a little more calm, loved and desired. More importantly, it doesn’t just make her more willing to have sex; over time it makes her look forward to it. There’s an important distinction between willing and wanting. Would you rather she have sex with you out of obligation or out of desire?
I’m pretty sure you don’t want her to ‘give in’ to sex, or count the ceiling tiles as you do your best work. You want her to want you. You want her to respond to you in a way that makes you feel like a man– longed for, lusted after, and loved anew. Once you practice affection for the sake of affection, your next step is to….
Create a safe space for her body confidence to grow. Have you ever teased your partner about her appearance? Or made veiled comments about her weight? Or visibly noticed other women in front of her? That’s proof that God gave you a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time. You may have been contributing to the unease with her body by making some breathtakingly insensitive comments. Any comparisons to other women or comments that hint at dissatisfaction with her body will make your chances in the bedroom fall faster than a six pack through a beer bong. Your job is to make sure that never happens. Here’s how:
* Don’t make jokes about your partner’s appearance. This is a hard one for men because teasing has a central place in the way we communicate. It’s the driving force of our personalities and the way we show camaraderie. You can’t do that with women. Not about their appearance, anyway. Once, a girlfriend came out wearing some new clothes she had just bought. She asked her husband the mother of all relationship-busting questions: “Do these jeans make me look fat?” Her husband taught me something valuable that day—that there’s a worse answer than yes. It’s, “Let me back up so I can take the whole thing in before I answer.” He slept on the couch so long the fabric still has the imprint of his face.
Don’t look at magazines featuring gorgeous women and then hit on your partner. My friend Jeff did it once. Here’s how his wife reacted: “There is no way you’re laying your hands on me after you’ve looked at all those big-breasted, small-butted women. You’re not going to use my body to fulfill your magazine fantasies!” The only action he got that night was the on/off switch on the cable box.
* Don’t ask her to do things that invite self-consciousness. This is not the time to switch the stadium lights on and ask her to strip. The same goes for asking her to model panties, swimwear or doing a modified pole dance. It will ignite her appearance anxiety like a propane torch. This is disappointing, of course, because watching a woman disrobe is a huge turn on for men, but think of it as a postponement rather than a cancellation. Eventually she will have the confidence to do all these things, just not right now.
Don’t pay attention to beautiful women in front of your partner. Shut up and look away. Otherwise it’s like telling your partner you wished she was prettier, taller and thinner. How’d you like it if she elbowed you while you were watching porn and said, “Now that’s a cock!”
* Don’t use the wrong porn as an arousal technique.
Watching porn together can be an exciting way to spice things up, but the porn you like is probably going to do more harm than good. She’s going to compare herself to the women on the screen and feel bad about herself. Worse, she’ll think you put the porn on because you’re dissatisfied with her body and want to see somebody else’s. Instead, let her pick the porn videos. That’ll ensure a smooth ride for everyone.
Don’t buy lingerie unless she’s with you
It’s like her buying you power tools–nothing good can come from it. Buy her a size too small and she’ll think it’s a hint to lose weight. Buy her a size too big and she’ll think you’re calling her fat.
* Be specific in your compliments. Saying “I like your legs” is good. Saying, “I love the way your legs look in that dress” is better. Saying, “It’s hard to concentrate at work because I can’t stop thinking about how your legs looked in that black skirt” is best.
* Show Her How You Feel About Her Body.
If there’s something you like about her body, don’t just tell her, show her. If her legs drive you crazy, tell her while you massage them. A touch is more powerful than a verb. A stroke is stronger than an adjective. Compliments have limited effects on body conscious women because they rarely penetrate the wall of negative judgments. Touch operates on a deeper level because the body can override entrenched thoughts. A pleasurable sensation has more power than a negative thought.
Create an Aura of complete sexual acceptance
The most loving thing you can do for your partner is to make her feel completely accepted, body and soul, without judgment or hesitation. This will give her the confidence that crowds out apprehensions, leaving a space for sexual desire to grow. The most powerful way to do that is through a series of intimacy exercises that have the power to bring you together in strength, love and unity.
While these exercises are designed to strengthen the emotional connection with your partner, it may be difficult for one or both of you to sustain the required eye contact, especially when it’s done in silence. For centuries, staring into somebody’s eyes was considered a trespass into their soul. Read through these exercises and if you don’t feel comfortable doing them, don’t. In fact, you have to be very comfortable with them because you have to lead the process.
The rewards, however, are substantial–a completely new, deeper experience of each other as lovers. These exercises are all different forms of saying “I truly love and accept you exactly as you are.” You don’t have to do all of them. Pick the ones you feel most comfortable with and follow the instructions. Don’t treat the exercises as a prelude to sex. Be sure to talk to each other about what you experienced. If sex feels like a natural next-step then take it, but only if she initiates it.
The Belly Button Balance
Naked, lie side-by-side but in opposite directions (head to feet as opposed to head to head if you were sleeping). Put your right hand on each other’s bellies, feeling your abdomens rise and fall as you breathe. After a while your breathing patterns will naturally coordinate, furthering the sense of oneness. Most couples report a strong sense of being ‘aligned’ with each other. Do this for about five minutes.
The Heart Heater
Sit naked with your legs wrapped around each other’s waist. Stare into each other’s eyes and breathe in unison. Put your right hand on each other’s hearts and stay there for a few minutes. The three points of contact (legs, hands, heart) deepen a sense of unity and connection.
The Observatory
Get naked and sit cross-legged, face to face with your partner. Knees touching. Your hands are resting on her knees, palm up. She puts her hands on yours, palms down.
Now, look into each other’s eyes. In the first part of this exercise she receives your gaze while you bestow it. Note the color, the size of the pupil, and other features. You’ll notice a lot of judgments come up (good and bad). Make mental notes but don’t break the silence or the eye contact.
Now take a break and cover your eyes with your hands for about a minute. Then place your hands in the same position as before and stare into each other’s eyes. But this time reverse roles. Receive her gaze. Let yourself be looked at. It’s a completely different feeling because you’re allowing her into you just as she’s allowing you into her. As the observer becomes the observed it might feel like you don’t know where you begin and she ends. That’s the point—to experience unity. It’s not unusual at this point for people to cry as they notice how many barriers they’ve put up against the partner they love. As those barriers evaporate (remember, you must keep at this in silence for a few minutes) you’ll feel vulnerable, exposed and fragile. And as you realize that you can be all of those things *safely* in front of your partner, your emotional closeness grows.
The Star-Crossing
Get naked. Hmmm. Why does all my advice start with the words “Get Naked?” Gotta talk to my shrink about that. Anyway, lie down on a rug and spread your arms wide. Your legs should be about shoulder-width apart. Your lover stands over your crotch, sits her butt down on the ground between your legs and mashes her but cheeks against your crotch. She then lays back and spreads her arms out next to your feet. She puts her hands on your feet and keeps them there. She spreads her legs over yours so that her feet are next to your hands. Hold her feet. If you could see it from above it looks like you’ve formed a star.
Notice the position. Your genitals are facing hers but not touching. The space between them carries a very interesting vibe. You’re sexually vulnerable but emotionally connected (symbolized by the touching of each other’s feet).
The exercise brings up different feelings depending on whether your legs are over or under your lover (make sure to take turns). Either way, the point is to experience vulnerability and support simultaneously.
Fingertip Trespasso
Sit across from each other, naked, with knees touching. Raise both your hands, with only the smallest part of your fingertips touching (your right hand to her left, your left to her right). Then stare into each other’s eyes without saying a word. Concentrate on your partner’s left eye as it seems to heighten the experience.
Harmonious Breathing
Naked, sit facing each other with legs wrapped around each other’s waists. Look in each other’s eyes. Inhale in unison. Breathe at the same tempo, same time, same space. Breath and vision can create union. Look deeply into the left eye of your partner. Then change to the right eye. Now change the breathing pattern. You exhale while your partner inhales. After a couple of minutes reverse. She inhales while you exhale. Now breathe in unison. Put your right hand on her heart. She does same. Feel each other’s heartbeat.
Ramping up for sex
Let’s review. You’re showing agenda-free affection which has brought you physically closer. You’ve created a shame-free environment by reeling in questionable comments and introducing some manners to your media and porn habits. And with the intimacy-building exercises you’ve created a deep sense of union and acceptance. She will be far more receptive to sex than she’s ever been. Now follow through by…
Being her idea of a good lover, not yours
Now that we’ve laid the foundations for her libido to grow it’s time for you to seal the deal. If you want sex, better sex, hell, any sex, then you’re going to have to find ways to light her up like an all-night liquor store. The first step is understanding that women’s sexuality is contextual. They need to feel comfortable, safe and relaxed to have sex and they usually get in the mood by finding ways to transition from the stress in their lives to their sexuality. Pay attention to the environment and make sure you…
Don’t kill the mood you’re trying to get her into
You can’t get her in the mood with toenail clippings on the nightstand or a pile of shelled pistachios littering the kitchen counter. You can’t set a mood when your breath is so bad she can see the words float out of your mouth. You can’t set a mood when she’s exhausted and she can see dirty dishes in the sink that you could have taken care of. Exhaustion is one of the biggest reasons women decline sex. This was reflected in The Sex Inspectors series where every woman we talked to said it was a huge bone of contention. Yet the men in their lives did little to help things out. The problem was so common that we came up with a mantra for the men:
If you want more sex do more housework.
When the men in our show actually helped around the house their sex life immediately improved. It isn’t just that the women had more energy for sex, it’s that their resentment at having to carry most of the burden melted away, releasing waves of respect and appreciation for their partners. Don’t let the vacuum cleaner cock-block you. Roll it out of the closet so you can roll yourself into the bedroom.
Are you helping or hurting?
There’s a pretty simple way of determining whether you’re warming the path to sex or blocking it with boulders. Look at yourself and your surroundings and ask, “Am I setting a mood or killing it?”
Once you get your self-sabotaging handled, your homework is to find out what turns her on and get good at doing it. If she’s read most of this book she should have done enough self-exploration that she can recite her sexual alphabet by memory. Your job is to get her to communicate it to you. You can help the process with…
The Foreplay forum
Lay down in a naked embrace under the covers and take turns asking and answering the following questions:
“Nothing puts me in the mood more than when you….”
“I get really turned on when you….”
“I love it when you…”
“One thing we haven’t done that I’d love to try is….”
Foreplay Forums allow you to exchange sexual ideas in a judgment-free zone. The goal is to create a relaxed setting that melts inhibitions, collects valuable data and introduces a bit of playfulness.
Ask her for a kissing lesson
Kisses are the keys to her kingdom. If you get that wrong it doesn’t matter what else you can do right because you probably won’t get the chance to do it. Ask her to demonstrate what she considers a sexy kiss. Be a good student–shut up and do what you’re told. Kissing is so important to your ability to light up her libido that it’s worth going over a few points:
Vary the pace from passive to active, from slow to fast to back and forth, from dry to wet, to gentle and wild.
Breathe through your nose. It prolongs the kiss
Get her out of her head
It’s impossible for her to obsess about her body when she’s having an orgasm that lifts the house off the foundation. But business-as-usual isn’t going to get her to the detonation. Read the chapters on Fantasy, Talking Dirty and Power Playing and own the process of making it real for both of you. Don’t wait for the cat to bark. Take the lead. Take control. You can’t expect a woman who’s been avoiding sex to lead the process. Make sex an escape from her judgments rather than a reminder of them.
Exercise Together
A University California at Berkeley study provided the first direct evidence that male sweat sexually arouses women. A testosterone derivative in male sweat called androstadienone can elevate women’s hormones, create physiological arousal and change their emotional mood. This isn’t a license to smell so bad that she loses her short-term memory. Make sure you’re reasonably clean. The research on androstadienone is so compelling that you should…
Let her choose your colognes
Because of its pheromone-like properties, some cologne manufacturers use androstadienone as an additive. Take your partner shopping and have her choose what she likes. Make sure she tests it, as colognes smell differently when the chemicals interact with your skin. And while you’re shopping pick up some high-quality chocolate. It contains phenylethylamine, a neurotransmitter that activates the brain’s pleasure center, and caffeine, which can provide a much-needed surge of sexual energy.
Cleaning up your act so you can clean up in the bedroom
Knowledge and wisdom are two different things. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Now that you have knowledge of your partner’s situation, exercise it with wisdom. Don’t contribute to the problem by making comments about her appearance, putting her in situations that exacerbate her anxiety or compare her to other women. Contribute to the solution by creating a safe space for her confidence to grow, showing agenda-free affection and creating an appealing environment for sex. You can’t do any of this without taking the initiative, leading the process and encouraging her to participate. She wants you the way you want her to want you. She just needs a little help in expressing it. Be that help.
What To Write In Your First Email To Him
You don’t need help writing an email to a guy that you had a strong connection with. But what if you weren’t sure how he felt about you? Here are the rules:
This is no time to send an earnest, “It was great meeting you the other night.” That just shows him you have the personality of a Kansas zip code. Tease him without being mean.
Boring. That’s what every guy says to a beautiful man. If you’re going to compliment him, do it on something unexpected like his sense of style, his intellect or his kindness. Save the attraction compliments for when you’re actually dating.
Unless you had an amazing connection to him, you’re better off getting his (and his friends) to join you (and your friends) to do something fun.
Anything over a paragraph is too long.
Here’s a great example. Let’s say you met a really talkative man:
Hey Chatty Kathy, you know what, you seem like a lot of fun. I’ve detected an acceptable level of crazy from you. What are you up to this weekend? We’re going to (insert place here) on Friday then (insert place here) on Saturday. It’s going to be a ball. You should come along. Bring your friends. You know, someone to babysit you. ;>)
Let me know.
It’s not pressuring him to say yes to a date (this is especially important if your connection was tenuous). All you’ve done is invited him to have fun, have a great experience and meet cool people.
You’ve also set it up so that the only way he can join you is to send his phone number. How cool is that? You don’t even have to ask for his phone number; he’ll offer it.
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