Can You Make Fun Of Gays Without Sounding Homophobic?

I’m constantly facing the line between acceptable and unacceptable humor when I write my column.

For me, the line is clear.  Everything is fair game except slander and anything that could incite violence.

Bad taste is not a good enough reason to draw the line.  Neither is getting your feelings hurt.  After all, offending people is at the heart of a lot of humor.

Now, who should draw the line– *That’s* a difficult question.

It certainly can’t be lesbians.  I mean, do we really want to be dictated to by a bunch of easily offended women?   Most lesbians I know won’t go to restaurants because they’re insulted by the first three letters in the word “Menu.”

And it can’t be gay men.  They’re not available anyway–they’re too busy working out at the gym.  Don’t get me wrong.   I’m not saying gay men are shallow.  I’m saying you’ve stepped in deeper puddles.

Forget bi-sexuals.  They’re no help.  They’ll just confuse the issue.

Drag queens?  Please.  They can’t form a thought without lip-synching to it.

My point, and I do have one, is that it shouldn’t be up to gay people to decide who’s allowed to make fun of them and what they can say.

But it shouldn’t be up to the radio shock jocks, either.  I went on one of those shows and they were encouraging people to play a game they called “Smear the Queer.”

Excuse me, but that sounds like an open invitation for people to inflict violence.

Or what about those DJs who created a fictional character named “Stinky, the gay pedophile roommate?”  They’ll defend that by saying, “Oh, lighten up it’s just one character.”  Really?  Then why do I feel personally slandered with the accusation of criminal conduct?

I’m no stranger to making hamburgers out of sacred cows.  Hell, I serve them to lesbian vegetarians all the time.  But…

Wait, that’s redundant.

Anyway, there really is a difference between an insult and a slander, between an invitation to howl and an incitement to violence.

Nobody should be immune from humor but at the same time, nobody should be stigmatized or feel physically threatened by it, either.

The line between acceptable and unacceptable humor should be dictated by society’s evolving and sometimes competing values.   Fairness is one.  Non-violence is another.  But so is laughing at yourself, having the ability to take a joke without squealing like a stuck pig.

How To Give Great Head Part 4

I have a friend who calls his penis “Richard” because it’s long for Dick. I bring this up for two reasons. One, guys will often give their penises a pet name. Two, the nickname will always insinuate that his dick is so big it’s in the next room mixing drinks.

Be that as it may, the penis can sometimes get a bad rap. We call rude, aggressive guys “pricks” and characterize cruel actions as “dick moves.” Clearly, the penis needs a little PR.

It’s all too common to oversimplify the penis as a dumb burrito, just hanging around with his two bros all day until it’s time to urinate or ejaculate. In reality, the cock is a nuanced, complicated, beautiful creation that ought to be understood and appreciated in full, not sucked or stroked mindlessly. It’s strong but sensitive, hard but fleshy and the external expression of a man’s soul. Let’s take a closer look:

Fans of The Glans

If you put a tuxedo on a guy’s penis, the glans is the part that would be above the bow tie. The head might be considered the public face of the penis, its spokesman. If the penis has got anything to say, it’s the head that will do the talking (be careful though, because it’s known to spit when it speaks). It’s the mushroom-shaped tip of the penis that is visible on guys who have been circumcised, and which magically appears when the foreskin is pulled back on uncut guys. Peekaboo!

The penis glans has a much higher concentration of nerve endings than the shaft, so the head is an essential part of bringing a man satisfaction and release. The glans has a coronal ridge separating it from the shaft (the outer edge of the “helmet”). Sexual scientists have identified the head as being the most significant area of stimulation the closer a guy is to climax, and you can only imagine the experiments that were used to reach that obvious conclusion.

The glans likes to be licked, kissed, sucked, and rubbed against the insides of your mouth and throat. It should never come in contact with your teeth for the same reason Kanye West should never come in contact with a microphone: Someone’s going to get hurt. The head of a penis is very sensitive—baring your teeth will do it no favors.

The head of the penis is more diverse and complex than it appears at first glans, so let’s get on our knees and take a closer look at what we’re about to put in our mouths.

The Eye Of The Tiger: His Peehole

Ever notice that the penis always seems to have a mischievous grin? That’s the urinary meatus, commonly known as the pee hole—the opening through which urine and cum flow. There are two lips covering the pee hole and they’re dying for a kiss. Pucker up!

Although what comes out of the pee hole may gross you out, know that there are relatively few “germs” in urine due to the ammonia it contains. If a man washes properly his dick is generally one of the cleanest parts of his body. 

But the urinary meatus is more than just a utilitarian tube for bodily fluids. It is a supremely sensitive part of the custard cannon and can be tenderly stimulated by licking and kissing. In fact, here’s a little known secret: “French kissing” the pee hole will catapult you into the blowjob hall of fame contention. The sensation is so delicious, so unbelievably stimulating that the laziest guy on earth will turn to you and say, “You make me want to get a job.”

Why Is The Head Of The Penis
Shaped Like A Mushroom?

One theory is that it is designed to be more like a shovel, or specifically a “semen displacement device.” Scientists at the State University of New York at Albany speculate that the penis evolved into a shape that allowed the second or third guy entering a woman’s vagina to “scoop out” the semen of the men who ejaculated inside her prior to his own entrance.

“Thus, the human penis may enable males to substitute their semen for the semen of their competitors,” the researchers wrote.

The V-Spot: His Frenulum 

Did you know that dicks have a V-spot – a sort of hot spot in an already erotic zone? It’s a small triangular region where a thin strip of skin called the frenulum attaches to the glans. The frenulum is the band of tissue that connects the foreskin on the underside of a man’s penis to the corona; on circumcised guys, the frenulum streams toward the corona in a V shape, which is how this pleasure zone derived its nickname.

The V-spot is loaded with erogenous nerves that can amplify a man’s orgasm. If it’s true that men think with their penis, then this is the command center. The V-spot responds to caressing, whether with your tongue, lips or fingers. Those who master the art of pleasing it will be rewarded with a penis that acts like a puppy at mealtime.

Get Shafted

Ahhhh, it’s time to meet Big Daddy. The shaft is what separates a two-inch cock from a ten-inch monster. It defines a guy’s sense of manhood (which is why so many guys lie about its length), and makes your mouth water when you imagine it sliding into your mouth.

The shaft is the part of the penis that runs from the base of the head to a guy’s balls, and it comes in an infinite variety of lengths, girths, curves, and textures. Sometimes it’s smooth and sometimes it’s veiny, sometimes it’s short and thick and sometimes it’s long and lanky. Sometimes the oral sex stars align and it’s long, thick, and worthy of the name “Richard.”

The shaft is filled with erectile tissue that expands and contracts based on a guy’s arousal and blood flow. Compared to the uniform sensitivity of the head, the shaft is more versatile when it comes to the amount of pressure or friction applied.

Next week:  On to the balls.  Never forget the balls!

RESOURCES

How To Deal With A Low Sex Drive Part 4

In our continuing series on sexing up your bedroom…

The Bed

Add a romantic canopy or tent, even if you’re not sleeping in a four-poster bed.  You can simply hang it from the ceiling with eye hooks.

If you have plain looking curtains, try spicing things up a bit by replacing them with billowy, lacy curtains. These look terrific and if you have a quiet, low-speed fan in the room, the curtains will sway back and forth, creating a billowy motion.

Soundtrack Your Love Life

Besides lighting, nothing creates an atmosphere and maintains the mood more than music.  Make sure the entire stereo, not just the speakers, is in the bedroom.  There’s nothing worse than leaving the room to change the CD.

Kick your romance quotient up a notch or two by burning your own playlist.  If you want to go classical, you can’t go wrong with Making Out to Mozart, Shacking Up to Chopin or Bedroom Bliss With Beethoven.  If you want something more contemporary try some of the seductive vibes in Ultra Chill albums.

Fragrances

Consider scenting the room with a more masculine scent.  Specifically, lavender.  French studies reveal that men respond more favorably to rooms scented with lavender.

Bedroom Don’ts

If you want your bedroom to be sexy, clean it.  Laundry piled on the dresser, mountains of loose change and dirty clothes on the floor are enough to make a Viagra pill go soft.  Anything that doesn’t promote a romantic or relaxing atmosphere has to go, including…

Pictures

No photos of the family.  When your partner yells “WHO’S YOUR DADDY!”  he doesn’t want to be looking at a picture of your father.  It’ll just confuse him.

And please, no pictures of ex-boyfriends.  They’re okay for one-night stands but if you actually know the name of the guy you brought home (a good sign you want to date him) then ditch the ex pics.

Pets

It’s okay to have an animal in the bedroom if it’s you on all fours. Otherwise, keep them out.  Do you really want your cat coughing up a hairball when you reach the moment of truth?  Or a dog that pokes you with a cold wet nose in an inappropriate spot?  Close the door on Fido and Frida.

Clutter

Papers, clips, staplers, pens, dirty laundry, clean laundry, keys, spare change, PLEASE.  Nothing kills a romantic mood faster than clutter.   If you have a small bedroom, just eliminating clutter can make it look a lot bigger.  Have a designated storage space (a decorative box for instance) for spare change, papers and anything else that’s cluttering the room.

Miscellaneous Items

Laundry:  If it absolutely can’t go anywhere but the bedroom, at least keep it in a shut hamper without stray socks or sweaters hanging out of it.

Exercise equipment:  Another bad idea in the bedroom.  There is nothing romantic, relaxing or soothing about something that looks like a medieval torture device NASA threw out of the shuttle.

Television:  It’s a WMD–a weapon of mass distraction.  Take it out of the room, unless you’re going to watch an erotic video together.  If you can’t bring yourself to do it, how about a compromise? Hide your television (and other electronic equipment) inside a large armour, so it doesn’t take away from the romantic look of your room.

Bedroom Do’s

There are three items you might consider putting in your bedroom:

Aquarium: It’s relaxing and adds a touch of nature

A tabletop fountain or waterfall: water is symbolic for renewal

An upholstered bench: It tends to make the bed bigger and more inviting.

From Sensuality To Sexuality

Remember, there is a point to all this emphasis on sensuality.  It trains your mind to take a back seat to your body.  It keeps you in the moment and out of your thoughts.

Cultivating sensuality means training yourself to be aware of what your body likes.  By giving yourself fully to the sensation of pleasure, you bypass your inner critic.  By emphasizing the primacy of your senses, your body can reset the wiring in your mind.   Our first-order goal is to enhance your sense of well-being which promotes sex which reinforces well-being which increases sexual desire.  Cultivating sensuality on a daily basis will pull you into this reinforcement cycle.

When you allow your body to experience joy, you gain a better appreciation of it.  You will do things for it the way it does things for you.  The mind-body connection is a dance.  You’ve been letting your mind take the lead and all it’s done is step on toes, wrench backs and move the wrong ways.  It’s time to let your body take over for a little while.  It’s a wonderful partner when you learn to follow its lead.

Resources

Gay Intergenerational Dating

According to Greek legend, a hairless adolescent prince was alone in a field, working as a shepherd to become familiar with cattle, when he was spotted by Zeus, king of the gods. How do I explain Zeus? Zeus has the fidelity of Bill Clinton, the charm George Clooney, the ego of Kanye West, the supremacy of Oprah, and the powers of a god. Go ahead and let that sink in…

Zeus decides that this young prince is the most beautiful guy he has ever seen. So naturally, Zeus turns himself into an eagle and snatches the young prince. That’s right; Zeus was literally a “chicken-hawk.”

Long story short, they have a sorted love affair in Zeus’s kingdom in which the young prince becomes an immortal, gets a full time job as a personal assistant, and his own constellation, Aquarius. Now you can let all your Aquarius friends know that their zodiac sign is a sugar-daddy’s twink.

Intergenerational relationships between two consenting adults is a tale as old as time. I would love to see a current statistic on matter of “gay intergenerational relationships” because I’ve seen a lot of it.

And yet, people are still apprehensive to acknowledge such relationships as healthy or even sincere. Generations are usually separated by twenty years and understandably people may wonder, “What does someone born in 1974 have in common with someone who was born in 1994?” And that question has a tendency to “ruffle some feathers.”

The stigma and stereotypes that flock the minds of a gaggle of gossipers are usually: The older man is having a middle-life crisis while the younger man has daddy issues. The older man is sexually taking advantage of his younger trophy while the younger trophy is a gold digger. And they both are avoiding a “real” relationship.

I’ve had older friends who were scared that their younger lover just wanted their money. At the same time, I’ve had younger friends say they were scared they would look like they are in it for the money.

Now let’s take a step back and think about this. Some of these assumptions can be true. But there is something a lot of people tend to forget: THEY ARE TWO CONSENTING ADULTS! If the older one knows the younger one wants his money, and the younger one knows the older one wants his body… what’s the problem?

Not everyone wants the monogamous relationship of equals that come with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. And dare I say, an intergenerational relationship has its advantages.

The younger individual may be able to offer the stamina, passion, and a youthful exuberance that encourages the older individual to live life to the fullest. The sprightliness of a frisky Adonis may be the vitamin B shot that older individual needed.

The older individual can offer the experience and support that the young guy finds harder to find with less established peers. The older individual can have more resources to “rescue” the younger individual, while the younger individual may offer rejuvenation. If it makes the two adults happy, then why not let them be as free as birds?

Like any relationship, there are things to be cautious of. Obviously, the two individuals are in completely different stages of their lives. A younger individual may not be set in their ways and this may cause a change in bond that unhinges the relationship.

They should be aware of the income gap that may be present and the responsibly that will come along with that arrangement. And certain arrangements based on financial power can make a relationship as fragile as a robin’s egg.

Because the two are from different generations, neither should assume that the other knows everything they themselves know. For example, if the man born in 1986 doesn’t understand a cultural reference from 2000, it doesn’t mean that he is a bird-brain.

Intergenerational relationships may not be completely understood but it doesn’t mean that they can’t be genuine. As long as the two adults are in a consensual relationship then who cares? Despite the rationality behind the relationship, it seems very possible for it  to be beneficial to all parties involved.

Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language

How To Give Great Head Part 3

How well do you know a man’s sexual plumbing? Now, I can already hear you saying, “But Sister Stepanowitz already taught me about male anatomy in junior high sex ed!” Let’s pause and think about that for a second: it’s very likely that your knowledge of male sexual satisfaction came from an underpaid, sexually frustrated virgin while you were perfecting your zit-popping technique.

If you want to give Category 5 Blowjobs you’re going to need to know a lot more about the one-eyed trouser trout. The only way to work it right is to know how it works in the first place. So, let’s get started and make Sister Stepanowitz proud!

You Have A Penis, Too, You Know!

When actress Tallulah Bankhead was asked if 1950s heartthrob Tab Hunter was gay she replied, “I don’t know, darling, he’s never sucked my cock.” She was actually onto something. The most astounding thing about men and women is that despite how different we look, our bodies are mirror images of each other. Males and females start out as identical blobs of tissue when the sperm enters the egg. Even with ultrasound, you can’t tell the difference between male and female babies until the 15th week of pregnancy.

The same tissue that turns into ovaries in women turns into testicles for men. The same tissue that forms vaginal lips in women forms scrotal sacs in men. The same tissue that turns into a penis in men turns into a clitoris for women. In fact, both the penis and clitoris have a glans and a shaft and become engorged with blood when sexually stimulated. So much for penis envy.

So What Exactly Happens When He (Or You) Gets Hard?

There are four stages of male sexual arousal. Well, five, but we’re not counting the part where we roll over, fall asleep and snore. Let’s take a look at each stage:

Arousal: How A Dangling Taco Turns Into A Raging Burrito.

For men, sex starts with seeing, thinking, touching, smelling, or fantasizing about something or someone that turns them on. Like a hot guy or a new BMW. Whatever. Extra blood starts pumping to key areas of the body—the penis, scrotum, genitals, lips, earlobes, and other parts. Men get an erection when the two large cylinders of spongy tissue in their penis fill with blood. A tough fibrous sheath covers these cylinders. When those cylinders fill up with blood they push against this sheath much the way pumping air into a tire pushes against the rubber walls. This creates something strong enough to take a ride on. The muscles in the scrotum contract, moving the testicles upwards toward the pelvis.

Plateau: “Faster! Harder! Don’t Stop!”

In this stage, everything swells, lifts, and darkens. Pleasure fluctuates with highs and lows but never ends. It’s perfectly natural for erections to wax and wane in the plateau stage. For instance, you may lose your erection while going down on him even though you may love doing it. No worries. All it means is that giving oral sex doesn’t keep you hard. You’ll get it back. The plateau stage is where most of the manual, oral, and penetrative sex happens. Most people want to establish residency here because it just feels too good to leave.

Orgasm: Spectacula like Dracula!

As men advance from the plateau stage the pleasure peaks and they start gasping toward “ejaculatory inevitability” (the point where nothing is going to stop the orgasm—not even your mom walking in on you). Here’s what happens: Everything starts to contract. Your testicles ascend until they press against the wall of the pelvis.

The prostate, seminal vesicles, and vas deferens squeeze themselves silly, pouring their sperm and seminal fluid like bartenders who can’t keep up with the orders. The head of the penis becomes deep purple while the shaft increasingly stiffens.

Breathing, blood pressure and heartbeat increase as the total-body response to ejaculation takes over. Involuntary spasms in the legs, feet, toes, stomach, arms, and back can take over. The pelvic muscles go through a series of rhythmic contractions, ejaculating semen through the urethra as a series of spurts.

And that, in a nutshell, is how every other thought men have during the day ends at night.

Resolution: The Fancy Word For Rolling Over And Snoring.

You know how everything contracts during orgasm? The opposite happens during the resolution phase. It’s as if your body got shot to the moon and now it’s gravity’s turn to teach you a lesson. The blood flows out of the penis and the scrotum descends. Pulse, breathing and blood pressure rates return to normal. After climaxing, women can have another go at sex right away. Men can’t because they go through a refractory period in which they can’t get erect. For some, it’s a minute or two; for others a day or two. For most, somewhere in between, depending on age and circumstances. At any rate, the tension released by orgasm feels exquisite to men. That’s why the first syllable in orgasm should be spelled “ohhh.”

RESOURCES

How To Toss His Salad Part 2

Taste the Taint

As we discussed in the first installment of this series, the taint is loaded with nerve endings and serves as an outer access point to a man’s prostate.

Spread and slightly elevate your man’s legs to allow you to tongue his taint, mimicking the motions he makes when he’s eating you out—sucking with your lips, poking it with your tongue, and lavishing it with lascivious licks.

Eroticize the Air

Now you’re ready to flip him onto his stomach and prepare his ass to be feasted upon. If you’re still a little nervous about diving in face-first, the good news is that the first stage of analingus requires very little from you, as you can let nature work its magic.

The butt hole is such a sensitive area that simply exposing it to surrounding air stimulates it. Just spread your man’s butt cheeks and expose the rectum to the air and it will provide a slight tingling that signals more pleasure is on the way. Enhance this sensation by blowing air through your pursed lips—both by hitting the “bull’s-eye” of the rectum, and circling the outer rim.

Seduce the Booty

To increase both you and your man’s comfort, incorporate some anal foreplay before you begin penetrating his butt hole with your tongue. The term “Kiss my ass” usually has a negative connotation, but in this scenario, it’s a tender gesture of affection that can relax both of you.

Cover his butt cheeks with a variety of kisses—tiny pecks, puckered smooches, and full-throated French kisses—and allow the intimacy to alleviate anxiety. Massaging your man’s butt cheeks is also a great way to release any stress he may be feeling and prime his sphincter for the massage your tongue is about to deliver.

Lost Lips

The rectum, or the outer ring of the butt hole, is made of tissue that is remarkably similar to the type found in our lips, and it responds to stimulation in much the same way. So don’t look at it as if you’re licking a guy’s butt hole, but rather discovering a set of lost lips for you to make out with!

The Backside Buffet

Alright, enough with the appetizers, it’s time to dig in for the main course! Here’s how to make love to your man’s butt with your mouth:

—Tongue

As you should expect by now, your tongue takes the steering wheel during analingus (hence, “rimming,” where you circle the rectum with the tip of your tongue). Along with orbiting the outer ring of your guy’s butt hole, flatten your tongue and take broad licks, lapping his ass up like it’s an ice cream cone.

Once you’ve been making out with the butt hole for a while, take the action to second base by massaging the rectum: Make your tongue firm and use the tip to knead the rectum’s soft tissue.

As you and your man get more heated and uninhibited, try penetrating the rectum with your tongue, your firm but malleable flesh seeping into his tight crevice.

—Lips

Mind-blowing analingus starts with a tight seal, so once your tongue makes contact with the rectum, open your mouth wide and use your lips to form a sort of tent over the butt hole. Your lips will seal in the warmth and produce saliva as your tongue massages his hole.

Release the seal and use your lips to more thoroughly toss his salad—kissing his butt lips, gently sucking his rectum, and blowing air on his wet hole.

—Teeth

When it comes to the rectum, you want to adopt the same rule about incisors we talked about earlier: Do. Not. Ever. But your teeth can still play an active part in analingus, gently gnawing and biting on your man’s butt cheeks, especially the area above the hole, in the inner upper crack.

Mirror, Mirror

Guess what? Even though you and I have never met, I can tell you something about yourself: You’ve got a butt hole, too! Now, the law of sexual reciprocity is understood to mean “Tit for THAT.” He goes down on you, you go down on him. He wants you to do something special you might not be crazy about; you ask for the same.

HOWEVER.

You should not call on the law of reciprocity too quickly in this case. When you’re done giving your man a rim job, you shouldn’t wipe your mouth and say, “My turn!” Especially if he didn’t ask for it. Be a little more diplomatic.

Better to invite than to expect (“Do you want to try it on me?”). Analingus is an act that while extremely pleasurable, carries a whole lot of baggage.

 

RESOURCES

Gay Dating Tip: Insecurity Is the Least Appealing Trait in a Partner.

Insecurity is an unattractive trait. Everyone knows it but not everyone shows it. Especially the insecure. Of course a lot of insecure guys don’t see themselves as insecure: they see themselves as being open and vulnerable and willing to discuss their feelings, especially their weaknesses.

While being verbose about your inner feelings is an admirable trait it is only admirable AFTER you have established trust and intimacy in the relationship. But it has no place before you do because it will be seen as insecurity rather than vulnerability.

One of the best ways to stop feeling insecure is to stop talking about your insecurity.

A lot of guys make the mistake of thinking that the only way to get over something is to constantly talk about it. They think that the only way that they can become truly close to their partner is to confide their insecurity.

Now, it IS important to talk because being vulnerable is important in building intimacy. The confiding of vulnerabilities deepens love and creates the kind of tenderness and support we all crave.

But when you repeat your insecurities like a scratched record (wait, what is the modern equivalent of a record? You can’t really say “like a scratched MP3”) you’re not being vulnerable: you’re being annoying.

Even talking about how well you’re getting over your insecurities is a mark of insecurity. You’re not aiming for a lack of insecurity. You are aiming for confidence, that universally sexy trait. And let me tell you something about confidence: it cannot be declared; it can only be demonstrated.

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys

How the Media Gets You to Hate Your Body

Excerpt From Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat

 

The first guy I ever slept with told me I was fat. We were in college and looking back, I know now that I wasn’t. I just wasn’t super-skinny. But ever since then I felt really self-conscious in bed. Even today, I just can’t seem to let go and enjoy myself because I’m worried my body isn’t “good enough” for my boyfriend.But here’s the funny thing, I know I’m attractive and that my boyfriend is crazy about me. Yet I keep having the same thoughts: “My thighs are too big, my stomach is pooching out too much.” Even when he’s making passionate love to me I can’t help thinking that he’s fantasizing about someone thinner. I’d never admit it to him but sometimes I have stronger orgasms when I’m by myself—because I’m not worried about how I look…

— Sandra, 28, from Toledo, Ohio

There are three aspects to body image: Judgment (the level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction with your physical attributes), the emotional impact of your judgment, and the “investment” you make–the level of self-worth you draw from your appearance and the lengths you’ll go to enhance or manage it.

Keep this definition in mind as we go forward: Judgment, impact and investment. It will help you understand the influence your body image has in the bedroom.

The Culprit Behind a Bad Self Image

There are many factors that contribute to a negative body image– growing up in a judgmental family that stressed dieting, children who made disparaging comments about the way you look, a competitive girl culture that thrives on judgment, encourages rivalries and magnifies the importance of appearances, and of course, being objectively overweight or obese. But there’s a bigger reason for your body self-consciousness–a much bigger reason: The extent to which you buy into, compare yourself to, and try to achieve the media’s ideal of feminine beauty. There is no other factor that comes close.

The main reason most women have such a poor self-image is because not only have they accepted the media’s beauty ideal, but invested heavily in trying to achieve its anatomically impossible standards. This is not some feminist polemic espoused by scholars with a political agenda. It is the conclusion of nearly every academic study ever done on the issue of body image. Let me explain how researchers discovered this.

“I don’t deserve the pleasure of sex because my thighs are too big.”

It started with academic research on eating disorders. Researchers suspected that eating disordered women were somehow affected by the relentless, ubiquitous, inescapable images of below normal-weight women on TV, magazines, movies and the internet.

After years of research a clear picture emerged: The media’s presentation of a single standard of below-healthy-weight beauty and the compulsion toward conformity it generated was the main cause in the development of eating disorders like anorexia nervosa and bulimia. The relationship was simple, clear and replicated across nearly every study ever done: The more you internalize the media’s below normal-weight ideal, the more you invest in trying to conform to it, the more likely you will develop a diagnosable eating disorder.

That all might be interesting, but if you’re like most women you don’t have an eating disorder. What does this have to do with you and the problems you face in the bedroom?

In the past ten years, body image research has focused more on “healthy” women, or rather, women who do not have diagnosable eating disorders. The thinking went something like this: If the media’s relentless presentation of a single standard of beauty is a leading cause of eating disorders, what else might it be a leading cause of?

So, researchers got to work on it. The next wave of body image research, conducted by experts like Dr. Thomas F. Cash in The Electronic Journal Of Human Sexuality (2004) published in XXXX, specifically excluded eating disordered women.

“I have turned down sex even though I was in the mood because I felt ashamed of my body”

As stated before, there are several contributing causes to body shame–your family of origin, the judgments of both men and women, how much you compete with other women, and how objectively overweight you are. But researchers found that the strongest predictor of body dissatisfaction in healthy women is the same as it is for eating disordered women–the extent to which you internalize the media’s standard for thinness. The more you agree with the below-healthy thin ideal, the more you compare yourself against it, the more you invest in trying to achieve that standard, the more dissatisfied you will be with your body.

Let me give you a small example of just how insidious the media’s standard of beauty is in affecting your self-esteem. Dr. Laura Choate of LSU published a fascinating study in the Journal of Counseling & Development. She had a group of women read news magazines while another group read fashion magazines. There were no differences between the groups in age, height or weight. Yet when they filled out a body image assessment immediately after reading the magazines, an amazing picture emerged: The women who read the fashion magazines reported greater body dissatisfaction and a lower ideal body weight than women who read the news magazines. They were only reading the magazines for fifteen minutes. As Dr. Choate’s study concluded, “Even brief exposure to media images portraying the sociocultural ideal directly shapes perceptions of the ideal body type expected for women.”

It would be one thing if there were just a few studies showing the media’s corrosive impact on women’s self-esteem ; it’s that I couldn’t find a single study published in the last 20 years that didn’t come to the same conclusion. For example, one study exposed a group of women to ads with thin models while the other group exposed women to the same product ads without any models. The women who viewed ads with models rated their body satisfaction lower than the women who viewed the product ads without the models.

 

 

How To Toss His Salad  Part 1

Given all the sausage we’ve binged on, it’s time for a little lighter fare. Let’s toss some salad! Now, I know some of you are thinking, “Whoa! I just lost my appetite!”

But there’s no reason to be queasy about butt-licking, commonly known as “rimming” or analingus. As long as he’s clean you’re not going to run into any poop chute stragglers or inhale odors that would spring the coil off a wall clock.

Your nervousness about the ick factor can be wiped away with a good shower. As undignified as it may seem on the surface, licking your man’s butt hole flips the power dynamic to your favor, as the receiving partner turns submissive and the one doing the licking has all of the control.

The shared vulnerability in performing analingus increases trust and enhances intimacy. Both of you are vulnerable and that’s why a shared experience like this can build intimacy.

To avoid long-term emotional trauma, take your time initiating analingus, and pay attention to what arouses your man and what alarms him. But be bold, as the final frontier of oral sex requires us to stray away from a guy’s frontal region and explore the great beyond.

Bathing The Booty

It goes without saying that hygiene is of utmost importance to rimming, both in terms of safety and your comfort. You definitely don’t want any bacon bits in this tossed salad! A human’s rectum is covered in millions of germs, most of which are benign or serve beneficial purposes (such as preventing leakage or odor), but some of which—including E. coli and salmonella—can lead to, um, food poisoning.

While it’s healthiest to perform analingus using some form of a dam (such as Saran Wrap), thoroughly washing the anus usually makes it safe enough for oral play. Your man doesn’t have to scrub his butt with bleach or ammonia, but at the very least he should hit the showers and scrub the area with soap.

Full Steam Ahead Or Talk First?

There’s a certain genius in surprising your partner with an adventurous romp but there are certain precautions you might want to entertain with this one. If you want to surprise him, make sure it’s a night you’re certain he’s taken a shower and hasn’t eaten a broccoli and bean salad. He may be clean but you don’t want the breeze from his farts blowing hair in your eyes.

If you want the element of surprise but are worried about his cleanliness, then take a bath together—it’ll give you more confidence.

Your other option is to talk and tell him what you want to do: “I want to lick and kiss parts of you that I’m pretty sure not many people have.” That will either bring up an erection or an alarm. Either way, the path forward is set.

Pleasure the ‘P-Zone’

Before we dive into the dark abyss of analingus, we’re going to spend some time frolicking in the entire pelvic zone (the “tain’t,” the back of his scrotum sack, and of course, his sphincter). This “P-Zone” is infrequently stimulated by men themselves, simply because it’s physically challenging and you need to know a lot about anatomy.  Well, unless you use dildos. 

But let’s assume your man is a newbie.  It’s very likely that you could be the first human to chart his pelvic zone and the unfamiliar sensations that rush through him will no doubt have his eyes rolling to the back of his head.

While you’re licking your man’s balls, take a detour to the right or left and begin licking the inner crevice of his thigh (behind and adjacent to his balls). It’s likely he will flinch and squirm from the pleasure as in some men it feels ticklish.

Brace yourself for his physical reaction and stay focused on taming him with your tongue. Reduce the tickling sensation by flattening your tongue to cover more area and going slowly so that your man’s insecurities are replaced with comforting pleasure. You want him to enjoy this not flail in self-defense.

The inner pelvis is laced with connective penile tissue, directly linking it with your man’s sexual nerve centers. This also means that it is extremely delicate and so you should make sure you don’t apply too much pressure with your kissing.

The P-Zone offers a friendly region where you can practice and simulate your technique for eating your man’s anus. Your tongue remains the most vital tool in this process, and it should be constantly dabbing, swiping, and circling the inner pelvis, either by itself or in conjunction with the lips.

You’ll also be able to give a literal “blowjob,” as this area is highly receptive to stimulation provided by a stream of air from your pursed lips. Remember to be fair and give equal attention to both sides of your man’s pelvic region, stopping to show some love to the balls during the transition.

The P-Zone is an often uncharted paradise of pleasure, brimming with nerve endings, blood vessels, and tissue that connects it to the penis.

In fact, doctors who were researching ways to reconstruct a California man’s penis after it was severed by his wife (talk about an awful blowjob!) considered using a graft from the inner thigh to build a replacement penis, since the arteries and nerves were similar enough to the penis to allow him to be sexually functional.

 

 

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