Gay Humor: When Is Too Much Just Right?

I hadn’t seen my friend Roger in years.  I heard he moved back to Memphis to live with his mom.

But that turned out to be a lie.

After Roger had been gone for about a year and half, a mutual friend pulled me aside.  He looked both ways to make sure no one would hear.  He whispered, “There’s something I have to tell you.  Roger’s in Memphis but he isn’t with his Mom.  He’s in jail.”

After the shock, I got angry.  Why had I been lied to?  I’d known Roger for fifteen years.  We were tennis buddies from way back.  Even won the city championships once.

I got the details and then my friend asked me not to tell anyone.  “Roger’s a proud southerner,” he said.  “Let’s not embarrass him.  If anybody asks he left Atlanta to take care of his sick Mom.”

So whenever anyone asked, “Hey, whatever happened to Roger?” I’d wheel out his sick mother as the explanation.

Lying forced me to tell more lies as the questions piled on.  “What’s his mother got?  What’s he doing for a living?  Is he still playing tennis?”

Keeping secrets is exhausting.  Especially other people’s secrets.  But I did it for six months.

Then I got a call from one of our tennis buddies.  Roger was coming home from prison and they were planning a party.  When the invitation came I knew it would be the print version of the lie I kept telling.

But when I pulled the card out of the envelope I gasped.

There, in my hand, was an orange  “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

“Oh, no they didn’t,” I laughed out loud, “They did NOT send this…”

But they did.  And when I asked one of the hosts why, he said, “Everyone was going to find out at some point so why not now?  Besides, we weren’t going to let a little thing like jail time get in the way of a good joke.”

Roger got the invitation while he was still in prison.  He told me he’d never laughed so hard in his life.  At the party they carried out the crowning touch:  A cake that said, “Spring has Sprung and So Has Roger.”

The party celebrated Roger’s release from jail but we ended up celebrating our release from having to lie about it.

The invitation to the party didn’t just deliver a good line; it delivered us from the burden of carrying a secret.  It should have been an “EVERYBODY Gets Out of Jail Free” card.

Now when somebody asks me where Roger’s been, I tell them, “Jail.”  And then I tell them how wonderful it is to have him back.

Whoever said, “The truth shall set you free” was wrong.  The truth shall set up a good joke.  And if you’ve got a sense of humor, THEN it will set you free.

 

Gay Dating Advice

Are Friends Obligated to Tell You They’re Hooking Up with Your Ex-Boyfriend?

Exactly how long should your friends wait before dating or sleeping with an ex-boyfriend? To answer that you first have to ask another question: How long do you wear the veil and play the widow?

As long as it takes. Grieving the loss of a relationship is a deeply personal thing. Some people get over it as soon as they get under somebody else. And other people it takes years.

Your friends should pretty much know where you are in the healing process and act accordingly. If you’ve lost weight, can’t sleep, and start drinking gin like the world is running out of tonic, that’s a pretty good sign he should stay the hell away from your ex-boyfriend.

But of course, it’s never that simple. What if you’re mostly over it but not really? What if so much time has passed that any reasonable person would have healed? That’s when the question of whether or not a friend has the right to date an ex becomes a little bit murky.

The best way to preserve the friendship and have a crack at the goods is to communicate. Your friend should tell you what’s going on. He should tell you there seems to be interest on both sides but that he’s not willing to risk your friendship over it.

He should say something like, “Would you be upset if something happened between us? Your friendship is too valuable for me to feel like I betrayed you.”

Of course, that only works if you respond well to the direct method of communicating. Sometimes it’s better to do it indirectly and gauge reaction that way. For example he could say, “Have you noticed that your ex is flirting with me?” If you get upset, he has your answer. If you don’t get upset, well, that’s an answer too.

The Asexual Uncle: Being (and Not Being) Gay Around Family

By Lo Jacobs

There are two things that I have been fortunate enough to avoid as I grow into gay adulthood: family rejection, and fear/regret of being single. The hostile father or disapproving grandmother is often portrayed as an essential element of the coming out process, while the concept of the happily single gay man is becoming an endangered species with the onset and progress of the same-sex marriage movement.

Seemingly immune to both of these pressures, I was surprised by how disappointed I felt traveling to a recent family reunion by myself. It wasn’t that I wanted company on the six-hour road trip, or that I wanted to cuddle with a significant other next to the bonfire as many of my family members did with their spouses.

It was about the pressure to represent not only myself, but my people. It was about offering context to the growing debate about gay relationships, gay family and gay dignity.

While my family has been radically accepting of my sexual orientation and I have never felt compelled to censor my discussions or change pronouns for their comfort, my perpetual single status has prevented my family from seeing me interact with other men on an intimate level.

So I am the asexual uncle. The sexually neutral nephew. The lonely homo.

This bothers me because this is an outdated caricature that many gay men were once confined to, and because it implies that I am too shy or embarrassed to express aspects of my sexual orientation with my welcoming family. I am neither lonely, asexual or sexually neutral. I am a happily single gay man, and while that offers me serenity and contentment in my own life, I hate the message that it might send to all generations of my family.

My mother and grandmother worry about my heart. The younger family members worry that my homosexuality is too taboo for such expression. Whereas many families shun gay members and their partners, I can sense some disappointment when I arrive at yet another family function alone.

I’ve had plenty of friends travel home with me and they’ve met my family, but of course, I say “friend,” and my family assumes that’s a euphemism used by someone who’s too timid to admit the truth.

I desperately want to represent gay romance to my family, and to experience the affirmation that I know my kin would provide. However, that hardly seems like a reason to search for a relationship – though many have chased love for equally flimsy and superficial desires.

How do you handle bringing dates around family? Is there a length of time that you and a guy have to be dating before you bring him home? Is your family welcoming or resistant to you arriving to family functions with a partner?

 

How To Deal With A Low Sex Drive Part 6

Now that you have a better understanding of your landscape, let’s see what rich ores lie beneath. It’s time to test-drive your dick and ass.

Set some time when you can be alone, away from any distractions including your partner. This is about you and you, not you and him. Prepare your self-pleasuring sessions with a little shopping expedition. Buy lubricants with different textures and smells. Consider using videos or reading sexually arousing stories to eroticize the context.

It bears repeating that if you can’t sense the physiological signs of your arousal, if you don’t figure out what you like and don’t like (and communicate it to your partner), sex will remain a chore instead of a choice.

But the more important reason to follow the recommendations you’re about to read is that masturbation primes the body’s sexual plumbing. Pleasuring yourself regularly creates a cycle of craving that amps up your libido and warms the path to partner sex.

Ready, Set, Explore.

Whether it’s a masturbation sleeve for your dick, a butt plug for your ass or a massager for your prostate it’s time to stroke, touch, caress and insert.

Get a sense of ownership and agency of your body. Experiment with different kinds of touch. Harder, softer, quicker, slower. Every man is different–there is no right way to do this, only your way.

Experiment with different speeds and pressure. Tighten and loosen your pelvic floor muscles while you’re doing all this. Try crossing your legs and exerting rhythmic pressure on your genital area. Rock your pelvis. Breathe deeply. Relax. You’re not a lab rat and this is not a science experiment. Listen to your body. What does it want? What does it respond to? How is it reacting?

Men may have the same parts but they don’t have the same number of nerve endings in those parts. That’s why what turns your friends on may turn you off. Nipple play, for example, can bring you to orgasm or bore you to tears. It all depends on the concentration of nerve endings in your nipples.

Don’t use vibrating toys until you’ve done these exercises a few times with just your hands. Vibrators are healthy ways to get stronger stimulation but skin to skin contact is the best way of gaining mastery, competence, confidence and comfort in what your body responds to. Once you feel at ease with your fingers doing the walking you can graduate to motorized stimulation.

Put Your Phone On Vibrate.

If Cleopatra could find something to pleasure himself so can you. A curator of New York’s Museum of Sex says there’s evidence the Egyptian queen kept a hard-shelled gourd filled with bees for use as a primitive vibrator. He literally took the sting out of masturbation.

Now, you don’t have to go to those lengths but it wouldn’t hurt to become a busy little bee and do some field research. So go to an adult toy store or shop online and buy a range of products made with different materials, speeds, and power. Vibrating toys made of plastic are popular because they’re terrific at transferring vibrations, but some men prefer vibrators made from silicone because of the higher quality material and varied textures.

Resources

How the Media Gets You to Hate Your Body Part 2

Excerpt From Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat

It’s well documented that when women see impossibly beautiful women in magazines their body image drops faster than Marie Antoinette’s guillotine. But the most fascinating studies show that men report significant body consciousness when exposed to gorgeous women in magazines, too.

For example, in a study published in Human Communication Research (2009 ), Dr. Jennifer Aubrey at the University of Missouri found that men exposed to ads and editorial features with beautiful women suffered immediate and long-lasting body consciousness.

This confounded Dr. Aubrey because the men were mainly exposed to images of women. Why would men have such a dramatic reaction to images of beautiful women? In a later study, Dr. Aubrey answered her own question: The supermodels reminded men that they weren’t good looking enough to date such beautiful women!

In yet another study, this time in the North American Journal of Psychology (2006), male subjects were exposed to photographs of muscular men in magazines like Maxim, FHM and Men’s Health. Immediately after exposure they reported significantly lower levels of body satisfaction.

If that ain’t poetic justice, I don’t know what is.

The media’s power to make yourself feel bad about how you look is almost omnipotent. Once you submerge yourself in over two decades of body image research it’s easy to reach a startling conclusion: Reading a fashion magazine does to your body image what smoking does to your lungs.

But Isn’t The Media Just Reflecting What Guys Want?

Everybody knows that men want the kind of skinny chicks the media presents. Everybody, that is, except guys. It’s news to them. As you’ll see later in the book, attractiveness studies show that men seldom pick the below-healthy weight body types you see in the media as their ideal form of beauty.

This is a critical point to absorb because so much of your suffering is based on a demonstrably false assumption of what guys like. Yes, men judge women harshly. Yes, they base their desire almost entirely on appearances (at least at first). In fact, they emphasize it so much they’re unwilling to have any type of romantic relationship unless they are first sexually attracted.

The Male Gaze is alive and well, but what it seeks is not the unhealthy women you see on TV, magazines and movies. Men are turned on by what you rarely see in the media: Normal curves, healthy weight, and slender-to-average waist-to-hip ratios. It isn’t men insisting that you be so skinny to be desirable–it’s you. You internalized the media’s beauty ideal and projected it onto what men want.

Let’s look at one of the most fascinating body image studies done in the last ten years. Researchers at UCLA wanted to know which contributed more to women’s body dissatisfaction: the ubiquitous media standard of beauty or the desire for male attention.

Well, the only way to separate those variables is to study women who are not interested in men–lesbians. So they designed a study (“Body image satisfaction in heterosexual, gay, and lesbian adults,” Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 2009)– that recruited gay women to participate in the same kind of study typically reserved for heterosexual women. The researchers were convinced that lesbians would have much higher body esteem because they are not motivated by the reward of male attention. If they didn’t want, welcome or seek male attention, it made sense that they’d score higher on body esteem assessments.

Well, a funny thing happened on the way to proving that hypothesis. It was completely wrong. Lesbians were not at a lower risk for body dissatisfaction than heterosexual women. As the researchers concluded, “It is widely assumed that the desire to attract and retain a male partner contributes to body image concerns. The finding that lesbians (who desire female partners ) and heterosexual women (who seek male partners) are similar in body dissatisfaction raises questions about the relative importance of attracting a mate versus adhering to broader cultural ideals of attractiveness for women’s body satisfaction.”

Most of us would have expected a diff answer—that lesbians in gen would have been more satisfied with their bodies because they’re not seeking male attention. So why are they so dissatisfied. Why? Media influence. Women in society being bombarded by image designed to make you feel bad. no matter who they wanted to go home with.

The conclusion is fairly astounding: The media has more power to influence your body image than the desire for male attention.

 

How To Give Great Head Part 5

What do you have when you’re holding two balls in your hand? A man’s full attention. What’s known commonly as a man’s balls, or nuts, or marbles, or twins is the duo composed of the testicles and scrotum.

The testicles are the “family jewels” themselves, and the scrotum is the antique silk sack that stores the jewels. Together, they are the origin of life—literally where it all begins. The balls are where semen is produced, making them essential to the reproductive process.

Considering their stature as the source from which all of humanity flows, the balls often don’t receive nearly the appreciation they deserve when it comes to being stimulated.

Fondling a man’s balls should be included in your blowjob starter-pack, as it’s a sign of competency and to my mind, decency. Remaining mindful that the testicles are extremely sensitive, they can be stimulated by touching, tugging, licking, and humming. Yes, humming. Place his balls in your mouth, hum “Ommm,” and learn why Buddhists consider that sound to be the highest expression of consciousness.

A No Man’s Land Called The Perineum

I was talking with a few friends recently and one of them said that a blowjob simply consists of sucking the penis and fondling the balls.

“Taint!” I protested.

The perineum, more commonly known as the “taint” (cuz it t’aint the balls and it t’aint the ass), resembles buried gold: hidden from sight, and filled with riches. The strip of tissue is concentrated with nerve endings, making it an obvious candidate to be licked and sucked. The taint is also an outer access point for what’s widely considered a man’s inner G-spot, the prostate.

Playing with the taint can boost a guy’s pleasure receptors more than an open bar at a strip club. It also opens the door to new regions of arousal, specifically the back door. Speaking of which, let’s talk about…

Butthole Surfers: His Rectum

Our tour of the hidden world of male pleasure now takes us to the butt hole, or more formally, the rectum. The rectum contracts in rhythm with the genitals during orgasm, meaning the butt hole is so rich with nerves that it propels a guy’s climax with him likely being unaware of it. Imagine what awaits when a little extra attention is paid to it!

The butt hole contains two rings known as sphincters, which work independently and in different fashions. Men have control over the external sphincter as they can flex and contract it. The internal sphincter is controlled by an involuntary part of the nervous system so it’s harder to control consciously. Fortunately, both sphincters can be trained and tamed to allow sensuous finger play. More on that later.

The Male WTF Spot! His Prostate

While western religions have helped turn the male anus into a forbidden zone in the bedroom, other belief systems have assigned mystical importance to what’s hiding in a guy’s butt. The Tantra philosophy, which has influenced Buddhism and Hinduism, considers the prostate a sacred spot and a man’s emotional center. Does that mean if he’s being a pain in the ass he’s just trying to understand himself better? Doubtful, but isn’t it rich to think that the way to his soul might be through his butt hole?

The prostate gland is a walnut-shaped bulb located about 2-3 inches inside a guy’s rectum. The fluid excreted by the prostate makes up about one-third of the total volume of semen and contains various enzymes, zinc, and citric acid. You can “milk” the prostate by sliding your finger into a guy’s anus, then tickling or stroking the prostate in a downward motion.

Now that you know how a penis is built and how it works, let’s take a look at some sexy examples. Get ready for our pictorial list, The 20 Most Beautiful Erect Penises In The World. If dicks are real estate, you’re about to take a tour of oceanfront property.

RESOURCES

Gay Dating Advice: A Golden Rule For Texting Ambivalent Guys

 

Be quirky.  Be fun.  Be observational.

Your job is to make him smile, to associate you with good times, a chuckle or a laugh.  Which text do you think a guy would rather get:

“Hi, how are you?”

Or

“I just saw a drag queen on a mini-scooter stop at a
 red light and fix his make-up. Can you beat that?”
 
Here’s another example– which text do you think would make him want to get to know you better?

“Sup.”

Or

Do you think naming two puppies Millie Vanilli is a little over the top?

Asking his opinion is one of the most effective ways of engaging him, especially if you do it with wit.  Don’t be afraid to be a little off-the-wall.  It sets you apart from the rest of your tired sisters.

Interest, smiles, and laughter–these are all values you want to bring to the table.  Now the truth is there’s nothing wrong with asking him how his day’s going as long as you’ve put the funny in it:

My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator….which was followed by me being accused of being a lesbian and trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How’s YOUR day?

Now THAT’s how you ask a guy about his day!  Remember, you can’t overtly flirt with someone who’s hesitant about you, so you have to create value—even in the ways you say hello.  You can also do it by engaging their curiosity. You could send a message like:
 

You:  You’ll never guess what happened to me last night! 

Why it works: It hints at something funny or adventurous, and who doesn’t want to chuckle or hear something fun?  Even better, he’ll think you’re setting it up to say that you met this cool guy (him) last night.

So when you throw a curve ball at his expectations he’ll be more intrigued.  The challenge with this flirt idea is that you have to deliver on the promise. So get creative. Think of something funny that’s happened to you or just pretend it happened. Here’s an example:

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Beyonce, and Harry Potter. WTF!

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys

Dealing With A Low Sex Drive–Part 5

Have you ever seen a speaker tap a microphone that’s obviously working and ask, “Is this thing on?” That’s actually what happens with low libido men. All the physiological signs of arousal are at work but they still ask themselves, “Am I turned on?”

Men with low libido are less able to accurately estimate heartbeat, blood glucose levels and muscle contractions. This tends to create a greater disconnect between the physical signs of arousal (rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, etc.) and your subjective experience of it (“Am I turned on?”). In other words, your fires may be stoking but you can’t sense the heat.

We are going to close the gap between your physiologic response and your subjective awareness and we’re going to do it with a mirror, a hand, and a sex toy. Yes, we’re going to chart your erotic terrain. It’s only by understanding what your body responds to and how it responds that you’ll be able to pick up on its subtleties, interpret them correctly, and act on them appropriately.

In earlier posts, we saw how awareness of, respect toward, and attention to your body’s desires improves your sense of well-being. It’s no different in bed. Let’s apply the skills we learned in cultivating sensuality and make it work in the bedroom. It all starts by asking yourself the mother of all sex questions: Do I like it like this or like that?

Discovering Your Pleasure

Low libido people tend to have a one-way relationship with their bodies. They speak and their bodies listen. It’s time to switch roles. Listen and let your body speak. It has a lot to say and believe me, you’re going to love what you hear.

Your body has lots of pleasure zones. Some are obvious, some aren’t. Your job is to find out what’s hot and what’s not. There’s no better way to do that than to be, as Jerry Seinfeld once bragged, “the master of your own domain.”

Let’s say you discover your orgasms are much more powerful if you avoid directly stimulating your prostate and focus on the area slightly below it. You not only discovered something pleasurable, you gained a profound understanding of how your body works, and in turn, gained mastery over it. You’ll gain new respect (and wonder) at your body and be more willing to share it with the person you love.

Filling Yourself Out Like An Application.

The best way of ‘listening’ to your body is to ‘map out’ your hot spots. You’ll see lots of techniques in this series of posts but they’re essentially variations of a three-step process–hauling out a hand, a sex toy and asking the same question you learned in cultivating sensuality—“How can I make this more physically pleasurable?”

By understanding how your body responds to touch, pressure, temperature, moisture, positions, fantasies, and environment you will become more confident in bed. It will be easier to sense the signs of physiological arousal, act on it, and just as importantly, communicate it to your partner. Believe me, he wants to know. Knowing how to turn on a man is a gay man’s biggest turn-on.

Mapping The Goods.

A lot of men cover or avoid their body so much they’ve never actually taken a good look at their pleasure centers. It’s hard to conduct erotic cartography when you’re too embarrassed to look at the map.

So haul out a hand mirror, guys, we’re going to do a little aerial reconnaissance.

I will leave you to decide on how to conduct the guided tour of your personal landscape. The goal isn’t to become an anatomical expert as much as to familiarize yourself with the location, look and power of different joy-joy zones, from the head of your penis (where most of the sensitive nerve endings reside) to the anus to the prostate.

Use That Mirror

Look at your genitals by spreading your legs and using a mirror. Lie down on your back or sit up. Put your feet up against the walls or squat. There is no “correct” position. Explore yourself.

You’re not there to see if you like the look of your dick or ass (if you’re a lifelong practitioner of body shame it’s a safe bet you won’t), but to understand what they look like, to make them more real for you.

Just like looking at your face in the mirror gives you a sense of your personhood, looking at your undercarriage gives you a sense of your sexual self. Don’t judge; notice.

Explore with the mirror several times over the next couple of weeks. Shock and shame may dominate the first session as you’re not accustomed to seeing body parts that are almost always covered up.

It’s only in subsequent sessions that those feelings attenuate, affording you a better sense of how you’re put together. If you’re like most men, you’re going to be initially surprised by the size, shape, color and texture of different areas of your dick, ass and perineum. Some of your discoveries will be pleasing, some won’t. Try not to judge. Notice.

NEXT WEEK: Now that you have a better understanding of your landscape, let’s see what rich ores lie beneath. It’s time to test-drive your dick and ass.

Resources