Can Losing Weight Make You Horny?

Random Thoughts, Observations, And Advice On Livin’ La Gay Vida

I have a friend who lost over 40 pounds in the last few months. He expected to feel better but he hadn’t expected to have his libido increase as much as his poundage decreased. Can losing weight make you horny?

Absolutely. Being in shape makes you locked, cocked, and ready to rock. There are a lot of studies showing a correlation between weight loss and an increase in sexual desire. One study showed that the bigger the waist size the greater chances for erectile dysfunction. Makes sense. Fatter people are much likelier to suffer from cardiovascular disease or diabetes, both of which can make your libido go south.

Poor blood flow to the penis is a major cause of impotence. And since exercise improves the body’s ability to pump blood throughout the body, it makes sense that sexual desire would get a big lift. Bottom line: Get your bottom in shape and your love life will improve.

You’re Not In A Relationship Till You’ve Had Your First Fight

A friend was telling me how well his relationship was going because it had been bliss for the last two months. I looked up and I said, “Have you had your first fight yet?”

“No,” he said. “Isn’t that great? Actually, no. Fighting reveals everything, especially between two men. Hell, look at government shutdowns if you want to know what an unhealthy relationship fight looks like. For gay men, the subject of the fight is not as revealing as the style of fighting. Reasonable men can disagree agreeably; unreasonable men can’t.

A fight, or a disagreement, is the first real opportunity to see whether you have a relationship that’s going to last. The ability to resolve a disagreement is far more important than what you’re disagreeing about. In a sense your relationship doesn’t really start until you have the opportunity to exercise that “fight” muscle.

For example, is he making a mountain out of a molehill? Do you look at it as a “you’ve got to win or he’s got to lose” proposition? Are you respectful? Is he?

When you find yourself in your first fight try to remember this tip and it will serve you well: if things are not going in a helpful direction hold his hand or put your hand on his thigh. It is extremely difficult to be unreasonable when you’re being touched.

What If Your Trick Says “I love you” During Sex?

It’s not unusual to say “I love you” to someone you’re not in love with in the middle of an intense, passionate sexual moment. You enter a different alternate consciousness with intense sex. Sometimes, you feel the need to say something, anything, that will rev up the intensity. And what could rev up the intensity more than to say something intense?

Doesn’t mean that it’s meant. It’s just meant as a means. So, you should absolutely not talk to him about it. If you want to keep things light don’t bring up something heavy. Who knows? You may actually be saying it to him pretty soon.

A Business Approach To Love

I have a friend who just got his MBA And pose an interesting question: could he use a business approach to getting a boyfriend, complete with a marketing advertising and public relations plan?

Doubtful. If a business approach to getting a relationship worked I wouldn’t get so many letters from businessmen telling me what failures they are in their love lives. It isn’t business strategies you should be using to get a relationship; it’s the strategies of successful business people. Let’s take a few examples:

• • Detach yourself from the outcome. There isn’t a business plan and the world that says your identity is tied to the sale. Same thing with relationships: your identity is not tied into getting a date that agrees to stay.

• • Surround yourself with a good team. It is impossible to succeed in business without support from a loyal cadre of overlords, underlings, peers and associates.

• • Open up new markets. The one you’re in is dried out. So hang out in places where relationships have a higher chance of taking hold. If you’re used to clubbing for example, then go to the pub instead. Or join a gay sports club. You don’t have to be an athlete–you’re expected to suck!

• • Persevere. A lot of businesses succeeded simply because they didn’t give up.

• • Sacrifice. All successful businesses give up short-term profit for long-term goals. That means you may have to for example, stop staying out till 6 AM and screwing anything with a pulse so that you have enough energy to take yourself to places where relationships can happen.

Getting a relationship isn’t about what business tactics you should use. It isn’t about “doing” at all. It’s about being.

How To Find Out What You Like In Bed

Hot Zone Questionnaire

Please be specific.  If you like to be finger-banged (!) then write which finger, in what direction/motion/speed etc.

My favorite place to be kissed and how:

My favorite position (s):

My favorite sex act and how I like it best (slow, fast, hard, soft, etc):

My favorite place to be touched:

My favorite place to be licked:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

Hot Zones FOR YOUR PARTNER

Please be specific.  If he likes to be finger-banged (!) then write which finger, in what direction/motion/speed etc.

His favorite place to be kissed and how:

His favorite position (s):

His favorite sex act (slow, fast, hard, soft, etc):

His favorite place to be touched:

His favorite place to be licked:

The thing that’s guaranteed to make him orgasm:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

“That’s So Gay!”

The first time I heard a teenager say, “That’s so gay,” she was referring to a vacation she took with her parents.  I got that look ostriches get when they hear two whistles:  WHAT?  It was completely out of context to anything I know about being gay.  That’s because teens don’t really say it to refer to gay people or our perceived characteristics or activities.   Not only is it pretty much divorced from the offensive gay stereotypes—like being campy or effeminate—it doesn’t even reference the positive ones—that we’re all hip, stylish trend-setters.  Teens use it to tag objects, places or activities as lame, tired, or silly.

There’s no venom in the phrase—it’s just the updated 50’s version of, “That’s so square.”   This must be part of the new math they’re teaching at school because it doesn’t add up.   Maybe they should try a different equation:  Best of intentions + worst of tactics = More of what you don’t want.

Try telling a teen not to say something because you think it has a meaning they know it doesn’t.  You might as well try to stop the wind by blowing against it.  Every teen will be saying it to everyone about everything.

Yes, it’s noble to discourage language that sets up an environment for harassment or violence.  But as somebody who’s been attacked on the street by a bunch of homophobes, I can promise you, when they were swinging their bats and tire irons?   They weren’t yelling, “That’s so gay!”

There are better words to discourage teens from using.  If you want to stop a fire, hide the matches, not the matchbook covers.  If I were a teen, I’d take one look at this campaign and say, “That’s so gay.”

You’re In Love–But Not With His Penis

You really like him. He’s handsome and he makes you laugh. He could charm a banana out of a gorilla’s hands. The package is great until you open his package and find not the Florida Panhandle as you had hoped, but a crackerjack prize at the bottom of the box.

What do you do?

Well, for one thing, don’t say anything about it. I’m always astounded at how many guys think that they have to make a comment, even one that seems accepting. For example,   “No worries, I can work with this.” Really? You can do better than that. Your best bet is to say nothing and as the queen said during World War II, “Keep calm and carry on.”

From a physical standpoint, the most obvious solution is to find ways to get pleasure that doesn’t require a guy’s penis that’s so big it’s in the next room making you drinks. That’s what tongues and fantasies are for.

You don’t have the power to change the size of your partner’s penis but you do have the power to change the way you think about it. Ultimately sex is not about the size of his prize but the destination he takes you to.

How To Meet Gay Men

Love will fall into your lap but first you have to take your lap places. No one disputes that. The question for gay men is where to take your lap. The Huffington Post has a quasi-interesting column on what gay men can do to meet other gay men. I say quasi-interesting because if you’re honest about it there’s not that many places for us to meet gay men.

The Huffington Post column basically is a retread of all the different things that you can do: going to a yoga studio instead of the usual gym,  finding a gay friendly church, that kind of thing.  There is nothing wrong with that, but the real question is once you are there, how do you make sure that you actually meet people that you want to date? Or at the very least, how do you network so that you can meet gay men who will introduce you to the kind of guys you want to date?

What Do You Do If You’re Not Sure You Like His Pics?

You trade pictures. He’s okay looking. You kind of like them, but are not sure. he presses for a meeting. What to do? What to do? The best way to protect yourself from an awkward encounter in which the guy who claims he has a swimmer’s body but turns out to be Harry Styles 40 pounds from today: A Skype meeting. And if he doesn’t have Skype suggests Facetime if he has an iPhone. The point is to minimize a bad scene.

Think of it as buying insurance. The cost of the policy is way less than the cost of meeting someone you have no interest in. true, it’s awkward to meet someone and oversight or face time. A phone call or video with someone you don’t know can be a little unsettling. But not nearly as much as meeting them.

And what if he doesn’t have either Skype or Facetime? Then you have to do gay math: divide the level of attraction you have for him by your desperation and subtract your hope. That should get you near to a best decision!

6 Body Language Signs To Watch Out For

1. Suspenseful Silence. There’s good silence and there’s bad silence. Silence of running out of things to say is different than the silence of him working up the nerve to kiss you. If you want him to kiss you (not always the case) don’t try to fill up the silence. Smile to encourage him.

2. Stammering: fidgeting with his drink or his watch or putting his hands in and out of his pockets is usually a sign of discomfort. The good kind.

3. Lip Primping. Did he break out the Chapstick? Is he popping Altoids? Is he offering you gum? Don’t take that as an insult–it could just be his way of saying that he’s coming in for the kill.

4. Jazz Hands. Did he touch your shoulder? Graze your knee? Touch the small of your back as you walk in front of him? Means he can’t keep his hands off of you and he would like to put them around the wonderment, no doubt!

5. Lip Gazing. Men look at what they want. If you notice a pattern to his look, it’s called the triangle gaze. Typically it means looking at one eye to the other to your lips and back up. It’s a classic sign of desire.

6. Getting Closer: He knows how awkward it would be to cross the room and kiss you. So he’s scooching up, inching up until he can get to a more intimate zone.

Lyrics I Love

The New Yorker magazine ran a story about a new off-Broadway play called What’s It All About? It’s kind of a retrospective on Burt Bacharach, the dashing composer of the 1960s who gave us classics that still reverberate with relevance today. The writer who clearly loves Bacharach, maintains that many of his songs were existential. He gives this example of his famous 1964 song called “House Is Not a Home:”

A chair is still a chair
even when there’s no one sitting there
but a chair is not a house
and a house is not a home
when there’s no one there to hold you tight
and no one there you can kiss good night.

But the lyrics I love best came from a song called “Anyone Who Had a Heart”:

Anyone who ever loved could look at me
and now that I love you
anyone who ever dreamed could look at me
and know I dream of you
knowing I love you so
anyone who had a heart
would take me in his arms and love me, too

Rule #1 In How To Cum More: Supplements Don’t Work

Hey, wait a second, what’s that smell? Check the soles of your shoes, everybody. I think we just stepped on another pile of supplement claims. They’re all over the interwebs promising you grenade-like orgasms if you just take this expensive supplement and combine it with that even more expensive pill or potion.

Talk to any legitimate urologist (like the ones in my panel) and they’ll tell you these claims are all lies designed to separate you from your wallet. Because the FDA does not regulate supplements, manufacturers and marketers can say anything they want about their products without any regard to the truth.

There are so many websites and bloggers hawking herbs, creams, lotions, and pills promising to make your penis spray semen out like an Uzi that I just have to devote a short chapter on this so you can avoid getting ripped off.

The Rip-Off Artists Always Start By Promising To Make Your Dick Bigger.

They know men have a “bigger is better” mentality. I mean, it must be true that the bigger the penis the further it’ll shoot, right? Wrong. Generally speaking, the larger the penis, the lower the velocity of ejaculation. Watch some of the videos of the tripod porn stars like John Holmes—their pop shots are usually no more than a dribble.

This makes sense as far as physics goes. A larger penis will have a wider canal that produces less pressure. Think about it, most of the porn stars that can really shoot are average-sized or slightly larger than average.

I bring this up because the first thing scammers are going to do is convince you to enlarge your penis so that you can shoot further. Let’s take a look at two of the most famous “get bigger” swindles:

The Jelquing Technique.

“Jelquing,” is an ancient “penis lengthening” action, where you stroke your half-hard penis for hours on end. Right. The only thing that’s going to lengthen is your smile. It is a totally discredited method of lengthening your penis or creating an environment for forceful ejaculations. The only reason Jelquing persists is that it started out in ancient civilizations as a way of introducing boys to the eventual joys of sex with women. Stay away from this—you’ll just end up rubbing your dick raw and for all the wrong reasons.

Enzyte, Extenze Or Other Penis Enlargement Bullshit.

People, people! There is no way to “MAKE YOUR DICK BIGGER THAN A CLUB!!!” There’s no pill, no pump, no enzyme that’s going to give you “THE MIRACLE OF A 14-INCH HORSE COCK!!!! There’s no surgery that’s going to give you “MEATY 10-INCH SCHLONGS!!!!

Yes, I know you’d like to “ADD FOUR TERRIFYING INCHES TO YOUR WANG!!!! But I’m afraid the only way you can do that is to put your dick on my desk so I can whack it with a hammer. You won’t believe how big it’ll get.

I know you can’t open an email or see a TV commercial without being inundated with offers to make your dick as big as a rhino. A lot of you (with any luck you’re one of them) wonder what kind of shmuck would click on these links and order penis enlargement pills or herbs? It’s so obviously a fraud you’d figure the spam would decrease over time as the “male enhancement” industry realized that nobody was stupid enough to actually order their crap.

Unfortunately, you can never go broke over-estimating male stupidity. According to Wired News, a security flaw at a website selling penis enlargement pills revealed just how many people were buying their dong dung.

An order log at one of these websites was left exposed and showed that over a month’s time 6,000 people responded to their spam and on average, ordered two bottles of pills at $50 a pop.

If men were any more stupid they’d have to be watered twice a week. You’d think only the uneducated would believe that you can take a pill or an herb and go from bi-ped to tripod, but you’d be wrong. Get a load of some of the people revealed as customers by the exposed weblog: A manager of a mutual fund with a Park Avenue office, the president of an airplane parts company (he put $300 of the rot on his American Express card) and the head of a credit firm.

Joe Miksch, a columnist for the Fairfield County Weekly, published an account of what happened when he bought the company’s product (I refuse to name it on the grounds that my readers are constantly banging the stupid meter to the right and I refuse to aid and abet them). Anyway, his account of taking the pills that promised “3 FULL INCHES IN LENGTH” went something like this: “Day One: No change. Day two: No Change. Day Three: No change. Days four through 30: See above.”

So, no, don’t expect the swindlers to stop anytime soon. As long as idiot men are around, there will always be someone to separate them from their wallets. Don’t be one of them.

You Can’t Make It Bigger But You Can Make It Look Bigger.

Optical illusions make a lot of us think we’ve got small dicks. Take porn for example. It’s probably most responsible for making guys feel inadequate about the size of their prize. Porn makes you think everybody but you has a big dick. But video cameras are famous for “putting ten pounds on you.” Believe me, I know. The first time I saw myself on “The Sex Inspectors” (don’t worry, I was fully clothed—it wasn’t that type of show!) I thought, “Where’d I get that body?” I mean, I’m in shape but I ain’t that buff. If a camera can make me look buff what’s it doing to average-sized schlongs?

Here’s another optical illusion you’re under: Almost everybody else’s penis looks bigger in the locker room because you’re looking straight at theirs but down at yours. Angles make a difference. If you want to get a better indication of the size of your dick, don’t look down; look in the mirror. And if you want to add an “optical inch,” trim the bush around the base of your penis. What you think of as small is probably just hidden in the forest. Trimming a little will often make it look like you’ve got the Florida Panhandle dangling between your legs.

What About All Those Legitimate Herbs And Supplements—Will They Help?
You’ve seen credible herbs and supplements like zinc, Horny Goat Weed (Epimedium) or amino acids like L-Arginine advertised as the magic bullet to spraying bullets out of your dick. Do they work?

No.

Let me repeat that in case I didn’t put enough white space above and below my answer:

NO.

There are absolutely no studies backing up any contention that supplements work for our stated purpose and there is not a urologist on the planet who recommend them. SO STOP TAKING THEM or better yet, don’t start.

If herbs, supplements, pills and “ancient techniques” like jelquing don’t work, what will? I’m going to tell you but it won’t make any sense until you understand which factors contribute to an erupting ejaculation. Because if you understand that, then my recommendations are going to make a lot more sense to you. So, let’s find out exactly why some guys can paint the walls and others can only drip on the floor.

Next week: four major factors that contribute to an explosive ejaculation.

Resources

How To Hit On A Straight Guy

QUESTION

I am a 26-year-old guy I’d like to say I look good and am well rounded though it’s a process. I know what qualities I like in a guy –the problem is getting up the nerve to find one much less talk to them.  I tend to like guys who work out and just have that masculine air about them. This typically backfires on me because I can’t tell if they are straight or gay. I end up not talking to them so I don’t make a total ass of myself and start hitting on the str8 guy and getting my ass beat or something like that.

[Read more…] about Gay Dating Advice: How To Hit On A Straight Guy

How To Handle Mismatched Libidos

We were sitting in an editorial meeting with the producers, directors, researchers and my co-host on the show The Sex Inspectors.  Frustration was high.  The problem: how to show a husband oral sex techniques on TV without it looking like a scene from Spouses Gone Wild Doggie Style.

I sat silent throughout the debate.  As a gay man I didn’t feel I had much to offer on the subject.  Still, the director turned to me and asked what I thought.  “Listen,” I said.  “The last time I helped a woman get off she was on a bus.”

Actually, helping women improve their sex lives is as simple as helping men.  After all, the most important sexual organ is between your ears not your legs.

Take the most common problem we dealt with in the show – “desire discrepancy,” or mismatched libidos.   That’s when he’s hot to trot and she’s not.  Or vice versa.

Desire discrepancy causes enormous pain in couples.  The high-desire person feels rejected and abandoned.  The low-desire partner feels pressured and harassed.  Both harbor suspicions the other is going to leave.  One woman who felt her sexual desire for her boyfriend virtually disappear asked, “Does this mean I’m not in love with him anymore?”

In every couple suffering from desire discrepancy there’s a low-desire and high-desire partner.  Guess who the low-desire partner tends to be?

Wrong.  More often than not, it’s men who have lower sex drives than their wives and girlfriends.  We think of men as having an “Any place, any time with anyone” approach to sex.  Not true.  Not when they’re married, anyway.  After a while, their libido turns into “glibido”—all talk and no action.

So how do you smooth out mismatched desires?   First, the low-desire person has to become more aware of what turns them on.  The high-desire partner can help them by hauling out a tongue, a hand and a question:  “Do you like it better like this or like that?”  It’s the kind of survey nobody minds filling out.

Second, the low-desire person has to stop waiting to “feel in the mood” and learn to get in one.  Ever refuse food because you’re not hungry?  Then somebody insists you take just a little bite and the next thing you know you’re hoovering the plate and asking for seconds?  Sex is like that.   The right appetizer can lead to a succulent entrée.

Of course, the low-desire partner always has the right to say “No,” but saying it the wrong way can also lead to guilt by the “No-er” and rejection to the “No-ee.”  I don’t recommend using the tactic a smart but otherwise undiplomatic girlfriend uses:  She writes down her favorite soup, Won Ton.  Then she tells her husband to hold it up to a mirror and read it.

Better you should stick to a more effective strategy:  never say “No” without saying “When.”  A postponement is easier to accept than a cancellation.

Because there are cameras in the bedroom we could see what the couples could not—how they fell into common traps and self-delusions.  For instance, one guy told us he was a tiger in bed.  Yet all the footage showed him flat on his back no matter what sex act he was performing with his girlfriend.  He lay so still I turned to my co-host and said, “Either he’s dead or my watch stopped.”

No amount of talking could have given us the insight that the cameras did (mercifully, the couples were always filmed in a way that preserved their dignity and self-respect).  The video footage led to an advice-giving insight that surprised everyone working on the show:  Telling couples what NOT to do was more effective than telling them what to do.

Take Bina for instance.  She wanted sex far more than her live-in boyfriend, Mark.  In the bedroom, video footage showed that she always initiated sex (either by asking or taking matters into her own hands).  In other parts of the home, cameras showed that she was on Mark like white on rice, constantly grinding her hips against him or cornering him in the couch when he was trying to relax.

Here’s what we told Bina:  STOP.  Stop seducing. Stop talking about sex.  Stop asking for sex.  Stop initiating sex.

Bina looked like a martini made by an amateur—badly shaken.  “If I leave it up to him,” she said despondently, “We’ll never have sex again.”

She was wrong.  Within a couple of weeks the cameras showed something remarkable:  Mark initiating sex.  Not only that, he became far more affectionate outside the bedroom, taking the initiative to hug, hold and kiss her.

Our bans worked because they addressed a dysfunctional behavior among high-desire partners:  Not giving their low-desire partners room to breathe.  By banning Bina from initiating sex she created a space for Mark to step into.  She created the opportunity for her boyfriend to miss her.

Getting couples to go from “Badda Bing” to “Badda Bang” is simple but not easy.  Men are built like rockets; women like airplanes.  Each get airborne but in different ways.  Men have a “T-minus 10 seconds” countdown to liftoff while women need to build up speed on a long tarmac before getting airborne.  This sets up a built-in, on-going conflict between the sexes:  women want more emotional content while men want more physical excitement.

Cameras in the bedroom show just how this conflict plays out and thus how it can be resolved.  You don’t have to have sex on national TV to get your sexual problems solved but like my Jewish grandmother used to say about curing a cold with chicken soup, “It couldn’t hoit.”

 

Gay Dating: Scenes From Life On The Prowl

What To Say When Somebody Asks You Out

So, I met this guy at a party very briefly.  Mutual attraction.  Exchanged numbers.  Yada yada.  I text him.  It takes him a full day to return the text.  We had a few exchanges and then I called him.  Got his voice mail.  Left a message.  Instead of returning my call he texts me the next morning.  Ouch!  A communication downgrade!

We exchange a few texts.  I had expensive tickets to a show the next night so I asked him out over text (he couldn’t take calls at the time).  He texts back, “I can’t.  Slammed with work and school.”

Not “I can’t, but I’d love to see you, can we make it another night?”  Just a flat out NO.  So I text, “Ok, I give up.  ;>) ”

He texts back:  “Why give up?”

Arrrrgh!

Here’s the thing.  I wasn’t THAT attracted to him to play the “You pursue me hard enough and I’ll give in” game.  Here’s my advice:  If you’re interested in somebody there’s such a thing as playing too much “hard to get.”  There’s a rule in dating somebody you’re interested in:  Never reject; postpone.  If you like the guy and he asks you out, ALWAYS say, “I can’t tonight, how about Friday?”

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 Does Hetero Dating Advice Work For The Gays?

Never take cues from the wrong people. For example, gay men shouldn’t take dating advice from heterosexuals. It’s like taking investment advice from Bernie Madoff.

Take online dating. The hets will tell you it’s a bad idea for men to post shirtless pictures online because women don’t like it. Now, I ask you, what kind of advice is that for gay men? Another ridiculous example is the idea that men should be the pursuers. Apply that to the gay dating world and you get that look ostriches get when they hear a whistle.

If we’re both men, who should be doing the pursuing? That’s actually a very interesting question which I’ll get into in later posts.

Even psychologists who study courtship rituals aren’t of much help to us. For example, body language research shows that when women are interested in men they flick their hair. Not so much with us gay men. Even the concept of not having sex on the first date doesn’t really apply to us because we don’t live under the reputational yoke that women do.

The best gay dating advice always takes the best of heterosexual dating strategies and adapts them to the man-on-man world. So the next time your girlfriend gives you a tip or two, make sure she’s talking to the man in you and not the girl in her.

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Who Should Make The First Move?

Straight men almost always make the first move on women, but who makes the first move between two men?  The bottom?  The nelliest?  No.  The strongest.  The one with the most dominant attributes.

If you’ve ever wondered why you don’t seem to meet anybody unless you take the initiative, it’s because you’re taller, bigger, older, richer, have more status, more confidence, or are more willing to take risks than the men who are attracted to you.

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 What To Do When You’re Lukewarm About Him

You’re going out with him. Sort of. And it’s clear that he’s more into you then you are into him. It takes you hours to return his text, you’re vague about setting plans. Yet you don’t want to stop seeing him because you ARE attracted. Just not that much.

He’s coming on a little bit stronger than you want him to. Do you tell him that you’re just not that into him? Yes, but not in those words. Do not be unkind. The better way is to say you are not sure what you want and you would prefer to slow things down.

One thing you can do to slow things down without having to say anything – – and communicate it to him nonverbally – – is to take inventory about how you’re acting when you’re with him. For example when you go out to dinner? Do not sit on the same side of the booth as he is. It sends a signal that you want to be boyfriends.

Always check your behavior to make sure you’re not sending out signals that could be misinterpreted. Make your actions consistent with your feelings and you won’t have to get yourself into a sticky situation.

If you are ambivalent about somebody you should not stop seeing them. You should put more distance between you. Here’s why: many a long-term couple started with one partner being lukewarm about the other. Things can change. You can change. Your feelings can change. Do not throw away something that might grow into something wonderful just because you’re not feeling it right away.

If you are lukewarm about somebody remember this: lukewarm can go cold and lukewarm can heat up. Only time will tell. So give it time.

 

What To Do When A Friend, A Date Or Your Partner Criticizes Your Looks

Editor’s Note: This is an excerpt from Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat. Although it is written for women, gay men struggle with the same body image issues so we decided to publish it as is.  Enjoy!  

 

Once, in the middle of making love a girlfriend heard her boyfriend say, “You know what would make this even hotter?” “If you sucked in your stomach.”

My friend was devastated.   How do you respond to that kind of cruelty?  With counter-insults?  By ignoring it?  By talking it out right then and there or waiting for a better time?  And what should you say?

Tactless comments, backhanded compliments, subliminal cheap shots, stealth insults or intentional slams all have the power to wound you emotionally, especially from guys you’re interested in or are in a relationship with.  The insults can be overt (“You’d look a lot prettier if you lost ten pounds.”) or covert (“Do you think it’s a good idea for you to order dessert?”).  It can be private (buying you a push-up bra as a gift) or silent (spending 45 minutes in the bathroom getting ready only to be greeted with silence when you come out).  The list goes on.  Before we talk about the best ways to respond to insults, it’s worth pointing out something you might not be all that conscious of…

You are constantly being put down by everything around you

From the moment you get up to the minute you lay down, you get slapped by subtle put-downs.  Oh, look, there’s an ad that says you’re too fat.  Oh, there’s a commercial that says you’re out of shape.  And there’s one that says you’re looking a little old.  Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, everything you read, everything you see on TV is a subtle put-down.   If you only had this product or used that service you’d be good enough, hot enough, worthwhile enough.  And because you don’t, you’re not.  Your self-esteem is constantly under attack.  Your physical appearance is constantly being questioned.  Your self-worth is always being pegged to your attractiveness.  Once you realize just how many subtle slights and chronic cheap shots you endure during the course of the day, it’s easy to see why a careless comment, let alone an abusive insult, from someone you like can feel so devastating.

It’s precisely because you’re in such an emotionally vulnerable place about your looks that you have to consider the first rule of handling an off-putting remark.  And that’s to ask yourself…

Is it really an insult?

When you are unusually self-conscious, every comment about your appearance can feel like a personal attack.  Even when somebody pays you a sincere compliment, you’re likely to seize on some aspect of it and make it fit whatever you already feel about yourself.  If somebody says, “You look good today,” you will seize on the word today.  Because today clearly that means you looked like the hindquarters of bad luck yesterday.

When you have a story running through your head you tend to make everything fit the story.  This is especially true for comments that are open to interpretation.  There is often a great expanse of territory between what was said and what you heard.  Faced with a questionable comment, you should always pause and ask yourself, “Given, that I’m sensitive about my appearance, is this comment something that a body confident woman would consider an insult?”  Because if the answer is no then you should let it roll off you like water-repellent fabric.

If It Has Testicles Or Tires You’ll Have Trouble

Some comments, like the one from my girlfriend’s unbelievably cruel boyfriend, are just flat out insults–offensive to the core and cutting to the bone.  You can tell when something is a legitimate insult by the way grief, hurt and rage roil in a boiling emotional caldron.

In addition to the normal reaction that most people have to a cutting comment, body conscious women often have to fight against something bigger than the hurt:  Believing in the insult.  It can feel like a confirmation of all that you believe is awful in you.   Like you just got exposed for trying to hide the ugly truth.  That’s why even a careless, unintended comment sends so many women into a deep depression.  Underneath the initial anger, they agree with the insult.  They accept it as a terrible validation of their worst fears.  The first step to formulating an appropriate response is to…

Acknowledge Your Feelings   An insult is bad enough–stuffing your feelings and building up pressure just creates more problems.  Do not pretend there’s nothing wrong.  Your feelings are a key part of your internal guidance system.  Pain is a signal that something’s wrong.  Accept the signals so you can deal with them effectively.

Instead of burying your feelings, notice them.  If they could talk, what would they say?  Once you sort out your feelings you’re in a better position to recover.  When feelings own you they can wreak havoc.  When you own the feelings you can be an agent for positive change.

The most powerful way to frame your response is to consider the insult as another commercial on TV with a negative message about your value.  That insult is no more true of you than the thirty second spot telling you happiness comes in a size 2 dress size.  When a commercial offends your sensibility, you can talk back, change the channel, turn it off or click the mute button.  You have fewer options when a human being does it, but it begins with…

Fighting Fire With Fire

I’m not a fan of out-insulting people but sometimes a woman’s got to do what a woman’s gotta do.  And sometimes a woman’s gotta do somebody in.  Once, a guy told a girlfriend her breasts looked better when the lights were turned down.   She replied, “But you’re penis is too small to see in low lighting.”

You’re not going to solve much by responding to your partner’s cutting comment with one of your own, but for some women it’s a legitimate way to respond because it takes back their power and gives people a taste of their own medicine.

This is especially true if you’re insulted in front of other people.  It’s natural to feel like they may accept the insult as true and view us in a negative light.  Worse, if you don’t defend yourself when you’re attacked, people might see you as having a lower position in the social hierarchy.

A counter-insult lets the other person know they can’t get away with attacking us.  It also keeps us from looking like we’re lower in the social hierarchy, but it comes with a few problems.  A lot, actually.  The first is that you raise the antagonism, which makes it harder to resolve things.

Second, and more importantly, you will be giving the insulter exactly what they were hoping for, and thus guarantee more insults in the future.  Their goal is to hurt your feelings.  If you “bite” with an emotional reaction you’ve given them the satisfaction they were seeking and perversely encourage them to continue doing it.  This brings up a central question…

Why on earth would people be so cruel?

Happy, confident people don’t make disparaging comments about your looks.   They don’t need to.  The people that do it have a need for control, to establish dominance, to maintain authority, to cover up their own insecurities, to subvert you, to make themselves superior to you or to simply lash out because they don’t know how to deal with whatever pain they’re going through.  This is an important concept that can’t be glossed over.  An insult is hurled out of need.  And that need rarely has anything to do with you.  If I don’t have the need to feel superior, if I’m not trying to get the upper hand over you, or trying to exert more control over you, or trying to make you look bad in front of other people so that I look good in comparison, why on earth would I insult you?

It is this need that you should concentrate on, not on the insult itself.  Because once you understand the need you can understand fully that the insult has nothing to do with you.   It is simply a way to satisfy the insulter’s need.  The insult says more about the person saying it than the person hearing it.   This is not some kind of feel-good balm to protect your ego.  It is almost impossible to emotionally detach from an insult without absorbing this crucial insight.  The insult may have been aimed at you but you are not its purpose.  Its purpose is to fulfill a need to make the person feel better by making you feel worse.  They want to see you feel worse or they can’t feel better.  The insult is trying to prod you into reaction so that you can fulfill the need.  By responding with similar put downs you are playing into that need.  Worse, you’ll get trapped into a ping-ponging verbal smackdown that’ll become a race to the bottom.  That’s why the best way to handle an insult is to…

Refuse delivery

This concept is best illustrated by the story of a great zen master.   A mean, vindictive man hurled savage insults at him for hours in front of his students.  The master stood there motionless and calm.  Finally, the man left, exhausted and defeated.  The great master’s students gathered around. “How could you endure such indignities in silence?” they asked. “Why did you not fight back with words of your own?”

“If someone gives you a gift and you do not receive it,” the master replied, “to whom does the gift belong?”

You do not have to accept the ‘gift’ of an insult.  Counter-insults, as the zen master brilliantly demonstrated, aren’t just an acceptance of an unwelcome gift, they’re proof that you signed for the package, opened it up and hung it on your wall.

The beauty of the zen master’s story is not only that you can decline the ‘gift’ but that you can avoid stooping to a level that does not serve you.  It’s a great reminder that spitting at the sky soils your face.

While the zen master’s response to verbal attacks is illuminating, it would be hard for mere mortals to sit in silence as they are insulted.  What you need is a standardized response that keeps to the spirit of the zen master’s lesson.  It is simply this:

Thank you for your gift but I think you should keep it.

If they continue down the same path you can simply repeat the thought in different words:   “That’s very generous of you but I can’t accept that either.”

 

Another way of refusing the ‘gift’ and keeping your dignity is to say, “Thank you for your opinion.”  It reminds the insulter and witnesses, if there are any, that any opinions expressed are those of the speaker and not necessarily of management.  In some ways, this really ends the conversation.  What is there left to say?

When it’s your boyfriend or husband making the insults.

As effective as these responses are with strangers, friends, even dates, it isn’t feasible or desirable to leave it at that if you’re in serious relationship.  If your partner makes a questionable comment or delivers an explicit insult, you need to have a conversation.

When it comes to teasing, men can sometimes fall off the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.  Teasing is our mother tongue and sometimes we don’t know when we’ve gone too far.  Your partner may not even realize that he’s putting you down or know the true effect of his words.  If the comment was simply male teasing gone awry, then it’s a simple fix–tell him it hurt your feelings.  Decent guys will know they’ve crossed a line and avoid it in the future.

If the insults are explicit and unmistakeable then you need to have a bigger conversation.  This can be problematic in a number of ways, not the least of which is staying calm and on purpose.  After all, you were verbally attacked–it’s only human to be defensive.

It’s natural to avoid difficult conversations because everyone feels uncomfortable, but if you don’t deal with it –and quickly–you’ll just prolong the agony, build resentment, and blow the situation way out of proportion.  This ten step process for handling difficult conversations will help you manage the situation quickly and avoid a repeat of the offense in the future.

Center yourself

Talk when you’re calm.  Your attitude will have a strong influence on the outcome.  Assume the best–that he didn’t mean the comment (even if he did).  You’ll approach the conversation in a better state of mind.  If you calmly discuss, rather than emotionally attack, you have a better chance at getting a sincere apology and stop future insults.  Check your attitude–if you think it’s going to be a difficult conversation it probably will be.  If you believe a lot of good will come out of the conversation, it probably will.  Visualize the outcome you’re hoping for.  The most important part of the conversation is to modulate your emotional energy, to stay in charge of yourself and keep the purpose of the conversation from wandering off the ranch.

A great way to center yourself is to pretend it’s a year from now, looking back at the conversation that solved the problem.  It makes the conversation less daunting and more hopeful.

Get clear on your goal

Is it to simply stop the insults?  Make him feel as bad as he made you feel?  Or repair the relationship and make it stronger?  You can stop the insults by throwing a fit, making him feel bad, and letting whatever anger and resentments he has go underground where they’ll make an appearance later.  But if the goal is to repair the relationship, then you can work as a team with a shared goal.  Be clear about what a successful outcome looks like.

Focus on the issue, not your partner

Avoid the “Blame Frame,” where you frame the situation as a deliberate personal attack.  Blaming him for the comment will make him defensive and hostile.  Focusing on the hurt you experienced will soften him and keep him open to the possibility that he needs to change his behavior.

Thank him for his willingness to talk

Always start and end by thanking him for his willingness to have an open dialogue.  It’s a welcoming way to start and a gracious way to end.

Start by asking for his point of view

Open the conversation with something like, “I need your help processing the comment you made earlier.  It would be helpful if I understood your point of view.  Did you mean it in the way that it came out?”  By asking for his point of view you’ll not only defuse the situation (you’re showing a willingness to listen) but you will get valuable data to form your next move.

Be okay with being wrong.

Be open to the possibility that you over-reacted.  This is where avoiding the “Blame Frame” helps.  By keeping the focus on the effect of the comment rather than who delivered it, you can stay on track.  It’ll also give you the opportunity to tell him that given your sensitivities, it may be a good idea to keep any teasing about your looks off the table.

Disagree respectfully

What if he accuses you of being unable to take good-natured teasing?  You can say, “I think we have different perceptions about the meaning of the comment and I’d really appreciate you hearing me out.”  Then state your case, emphasizing the consequences of hearing the comment.

Paraphrase each other

Nothing can make you feel more understood than hearing somebody accurately restate your position in their own words.  It shows that you truly understand –though not necessarily agree with–with their position.  When he paraphrases you, he’ll be listening to himself say how much his words hurt you–a powerful way for him to understand the depth of your feelings.

Work together to solve the problem

Whether you agree with it or not, your partner has a point of view.  And it will most likely be that he teases everybody about everything and that you’re being too sensitive.  Ask him how he thinks you should move forward to avoid you being hurt and him being misunderstood.  His answer is going to range from, “I promise never to tease you about your looks again” to “The problem would go away if you stopped being so sensitive.”      Suggest a middle ground–you’ll contribute to the solution by working on your sensitivity and he can contribute by thinking carefully about the effects of his teasing.

Putting Down The Put-Downs

Men can be unbelievably cruel and insensitive, sometimes by choice and sometimes by accident.  But most guys are fundamentally decent and when they realize that they’ve hurt the woman they love, they’ll straighten up and fly right.

It’s helpful to understand that almost all women are hyper-sensitive to comments about their looks.  You are constantly assaulted by the fashion, diet and exercise industry with insinuations that you’re too fat, too short, too old, and too out of shape to have any real value.  This can’t help but get under your skin and make you easily bruised by unsolicited comments about your appearance.  Be aware of this.  Have some empathy for yourself and all other women who struggle against the same onslaught of subtle put-downs.  The lesson here isn’t just in handling insults when they come at you but in making sure you don’t absorb the media’s penchant for putdowns by aiming them at other women.

It is particularly hurtful when a friend, a date, a boyfriend or a husband insults you.  The natural reaction is to hurt back, but the momentary pleasure of revenge comes at a high cost.  As the zen master showed us, you don’t fight fire with fire.  You fight fire with water.

 

How To Give Great Head Part 6

What makes a beautiful cock? It’s a question for the ages—and a science lab, it turns out. Scientists at the University of Zurich recently published a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that asked just that question.

They showed a focus group of over 100 women ages 16-45 a wide range of erect penises (nice work if you can get it!) and asked them to rank the importance of eight penile characteristics ranging from length to pubic hair.

Survey Says

What characteristic came in at #1? Most gay men would predict SIZE, but they’d be wrong. Actually, they’d be wrong on stilts. In order of importance, this is how women ranked penile characteristics:

1. General cosmetic appearance
2. Appearance of pubic hair
3. Penile skin
4. Penile girth
5. Shape of glans
6. Penile length
7. Appearance of scrotum
8. Position and shape of meatus (urethra)

Wait, why am I showing you a study on women?  Because there are no studies on what gay men think about dick, so close enough! Now, there are a couple of things worth noting about these results. First and most obvious, we might share a love for cock with straight women, but we definitely put more of a priority on size. 

Second, when women do mention size, it’s an aspect that men rarely focus on—girth. A girlfriend perfectly captured this preference over our second, okay, third bottle of wine. “It’s not the length I like in a penis,” she said. “It’s the roundth!” 

The “appearance of pubic hair” placed a surprisingly strong second and this provides us with an opportunity to significantly increase your attraction to the penis: Manscaping. We’ll talk more about getting him (or you!) to trim his pubic hair in the next chapter, but for now, I want to emphasize why it’s so important to increase your attraction to penis.

It’s simple: The more you pant for it, the more turned on you’ll be when you’re blowing him. Remember, this book is not just about better techniques to use on him but about increasing the pleasure you get out of applying them.

Back To Terms

Okay, let’s get back to the definition of a beautiful penis.

Academic studies may reveal preferences in penile characteristics but the question of beauty remains in the eyes of the cock holder. Here’s one articulate paean to a pretty penis:

I’ve told my boyfriend that he has the cock that all dildos wish they could be, and it’s oh so true. And it IS just beautiful. I think good proportions are the most important part. It has the perfect girth for his length, and the head matches the shaft just right. And I like a little bit of vein popping up here and there. He has this amazing, thick vein right on top. And his balls seem to fit the whole package perfectly. He’s circumcised and keeps his hair trimmed, but not shaved bare, which matches my preferences perfectly.

I could go on for days about his cock. I want to make a mold of it and send it to a museum. I actually googled “perfect cock” to see if I could find a picture for comparison, but I like his better than all those examples. Simply put, when you see a beautiful cock, you know it.”

—B.

Personally, I think the definition of a beautiful cock is simple: It hangs off a guy you find beautiful. You can talk all you want about symmetry, girth, or a well-manicured bed of pubes, a stellar dick on a gross guy means nothing. The guy attached to it matters the most.

When I say a cock is ‘beautiful’ I’m referring to both its appearance AND the pleasure it gives you. A metaphor may be found in something else you put in your mouth—food. You may say that a meal was beautiful, but you would never limit the definition to how it looked on the plate. You’d also describe how good it tasted and how satisfied it made you feel.

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