A Platter of Gay Dating Nuggets

GrindR, The Lying App

Grindr is to lying what the golf range is to larceny–a place where you assume people go to tell whoppers. How does this classify as news?

There is something about being online that just begs you to lie. It isn’t just Grindr–it’s ALL social media. Have you ever noticed how compelled you are to making yourself look good, funny, interesting or insightful when you make a Facebook post? The truth is social media compels us to create a false narrative about ourselves. Who puts up ugly pictures of themselves? Who admits to being aggravating and annoying? Who pleads guilty to cruelty and insensitivity? Nobody because that would make you look bad and social media is about making yourself look good.

Lying about your HIV status on GrindR? That’s like being shocked that golfers cook their scores.

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Saying Hello With Your Arse

Nothing shows a gay man’s ego split than being on an gay dating app.  I don’t know how many times I’ve received a message from somebody that says, “Hi, how are you?” But the main pic on their profile is a dick shot.  So, kudos for the warm, friendly salutation, but really?  Who knew big dicks had good manners?

What’s really annoying is that my profile says, “Only on here to date.”  But what’s beyond annoying and into farce, is when Big Dick’s profile says, “Only here to date.”  Because really, nothing says you’re dating material more than a couple of good dic and ass shots.  And this is where the split comes in:  You want to date.  But you’re a manwhore.  So you try to do both.  You use manwhore pics with dating language.

If you want to know how to meet gay men online (for more than a quickie) you need to know that consistency is a big deal.  You can’t put up dic pics inspired by Anthony Weiner and think you’re going to attract marriage material.  I mean, they’re fine to put up if sex is what you want but it’s RIDICULOUS to put them up if you’re trying to attract guys who want to date or get in a relationship.  Like attracts like.  If you put up dick shots you’re going to attract the gay Anthony Weiners.

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“Have you had your first fight yet?”

A friend was telling me how well his relationship was going because it had been bliss for the last two months. I looked up and I said, “Have you had your first fight yet?”

“No,” he said. “Isn’t that great? Actually, no. Fighting reveals everything, especially between two men. Hell, look at government shutdowns if you want to know what an unhealthy relationship fight looks like. For gay men, the subject of the fight is not as revealing as the style of fighting. Reasonable men can disagree agreeably; unreasonable men can’t.

A fight, or a disagreement, is the first real opportunity to see whether you have a relationship that’s going to last. The ability to resolve a disagreement is far more important than what you’re disagreeing about. In a sense, your relationship doesn’t really start until you have the opportunity to exercise that “fight” muscle.

For example, is he making a mountain out of a molehill? Do you look at it as a “you’ve got to win or he’s got to lose” proposition? Are you respectful? Is he?

When you find yourself in your first fight try to remember this tip and it will serve you well: if things are not going in a helpful direction hold his hand or put your hand on his thigh. It is extremely difficult to be unreasonable when you’re being touched.

Gay Cynicism & Bitterness

My favorite question of the month. It always amazes me when I get letters like this. This guy wants an answer that he can only get by reading his letter and asking, “What kind of guy would write a letter like this?”

And by that, I mean if YOU got a letter like that, what would you think of the guy? Would you think he lives in a world that oppresses him with cynicism and despair or that he brings cynicism and despair to the world?

I don’t know, what do you think?

First let me say that your column is the only reason that I pick up a fag rag. You are hysterical, insulting, and (usually) right on the money. I was curious what you would think of my negative opinion regarding the gay community at large. I’ve lived here for 20 years. I arrive an innocent, with mid-western values. I was eaten alive.

I have finally concluded that men, especially gay men, are nothing but little boys who refuse to grow up. They are selfish pricks who can’t keep their dicks in their pants. The vast majority are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship and are in need of feeding their egos. They thrive on hook-ups and deception.

I’ve met guys in their 50’s that are still train wrecks. It seems that nobody learns from their mistakes. I decided, years ago, that men are not worth the bother. They’re either alcoholics, meth heads, or lost souls. Most of them cheat. All my life, guys wanted me for my looks and/or my big dick (yes, they still do).

My honesty and integrity was never important. To all you single guys in your early 50’s– concentrate on your own self worth. Maintain your heath and body for your own gratification. Face facts, the Love Boat already sank. Friends are forever (well, maybe not in South Florida), lovers are not. Nice guys finish last, so stop being so trusting. Get a dog or a cat instead.

Signed,

Bitter, Jaded, and Happy At Last

How Do You Come Out To A Closeted Guy You’re Interested In?

For most of us coming out is a defining issue in our lives. But it’s usually about coming out to a friend or a family member. What about coming out to a  severely closeted guy who doesn’t know that a)  you’re gay and b)  that you know he’s gay too?
[Read more…] about How Do You Come Out To A Closeted Guy You’re Interested In?

The Problem With Giving Gay Men Relationship Advice

 

Most of the letters I get in my gay column about relationships boil down to three main issues:

1. How do you get your boyfriend to do what you want in bed?
2. How do you get into and stay in a relationship?
3. Is monogamy the highest expression of love or the dyslexic spelling of monotony?

The answer to the first one’s easy. Pistol with him. The only problem is that the use of weaponry is inconsistent with the spirit of love. I’m still working on how to resolve that.

The real answer to getting your boyfriend to do what you want is simple, yet it’s the kind of simplicity that’s beyond the reach of us emotionally constipated guys. The answer is talking. but “talking” has a universally hated little brother called “listening,” and nobody wants him hanging around, ruining the hanky panky.

What I find in my letters is that gay men suffer not just from the inability to talk, but also the fear that doing it will cause more problems. It’s a well justified fear, given the way most guys go about it. Let’s face it, we don’t talk; we tell. We don’t have conversations, we have demands.

It’s Not What You Say

What you say to your partner is secondary to how you say it. You know how, when you’re single, the difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship? Well, when you’re in a relationship, salesmanship has to give way to diplomacy, which as everyone knows, is the art of stealing more on Tuesday then what you gave up on Monday.

The second most common question I get is “how do I get me a relationship?” This reveals how hard it is for many gay men to start meaningful relationships. You only have to be male for about a minute to understand how the duality of our natures make lasting emotional connections so hard. Namely, that we think like women and act like men.

How do we resolve our conflicting desires? How do we work out our needs for tenderness, security, and love with our desire to stick our dicks in anything with a pulse? If you figure it out, write. It’s as good as published.

I’ve written this column as a single man and as someone who was in a committed relationship. I looked at all my columns to see if my answers on relationships reflected my status in any way. Here’s what I noticed: when I was in a committed relationship I tended to rail against monogamy; when I was single I tended to glorify it.

If that doesn’t tell you something about the male psyche, I don’t know what will.

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips

Texting Resources:

The Guide To Gay Texting

From Text To Sex

How To Talk Dirty In Bed

 

Sex Resources

How To Bottom

How To Top

How To Give Head

How To Cum More

Gay sex books

Gay Sex Advice

Erotic Temperature Quiz

 

This Week In Gay Dating Advice Questions I Want YOU To Answer

We get so many emails from guys looking for little gay dating advice that we can’t possibly answer them all. But we can publish them all! And hopefully entice you to answer some of them. So every week were going to publish the best of what we received and cannot answer. So get out your pencil sharpener’s, or whatever it is that you used to bang on the keyboard, and start giving some dating advice, gay style.

Gay Dating Advice Questions Of The Week

Question #1

[Read more…] about This Week In Gay Dating Advice Questions I Want YOU To Answer

How To Meet Men

A Pocket Guide To Our 21-Day Plan

 

THE 21-DAY PLAN	Activity	Notes
PRELUDE	Important concepts: Shagability is not a goal; he’s a portal. If he’s not looking it doesn’t mean he’s not interested. His level of attraction (or lack of) isn’t fixed.  It can grow. Competence creates confidence; not the other way around. Your goal is to BE MORE TALKATIVE	Visualize a portal whenever you see a guy you’re interested in.   Commit to the process; detach from the outcome.
DAY 1	Say hello to strangers
DAY  2	Go out of your way to say hello to friends and acquaintances
DAY 3	Make small talk with people you usually only say hello to
DAY 4	Pay strangers a compliment
DAY 5	Important concept:  The road to Unconscious Competence is through PRACTICE	Do not move on to the next exercise until you’ve mastered the one before it.
DAY 6	Important Concepts:   Assuming Rapport:  Talk as if you know him. Answering the two questions every guy has in a bar: Are you hitting on me? Tell him why you’re talking to him How long are you going to be? State a time constraint	Example:  “Settle a bet.” Example:  “I’ve gotta get back to my friends but before I do…”
DAY 7	Memorize three openers and “open” your friends	Don’t forget!  Continue doing the previous exercises.
DAY 8	Open strangers you’re not attracted to.
DAY 9	Open friends and strangers with newly memorized openers
DAY 10	Important concept:  Social Proof–Always go out with friends.
DAY 11	Open guys with a low-level heat factor
DAY 12	Open guys with a high-level heat factor
DAY 13	Open guys who are radioactive
DAY 14	Important concept:   Demonstrating Value:  Teach him something about himself.	Make his night more interesting than before he met you.
DAY 15	Demonstrate value on No-Wattage guys
DAY 16	Demonstrate value on Low-Wattage guys
DAY 17	Important concept:   Bridging from opener to value demonstration	“Hey, before I go, I have to ask–why the ring on that finger?”
DAY 18	Open Low Wattage guys, then segue to value demonstration
DAY 19	Open High Wattage guys, then segue to value demonstration
DAY 20	Important concept:   Multiple threads.  High energy conversations ping-pong between different subjects.
DAY 21	Tune ups and troubleshooting: Take a few steps back so you can jump further.

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips

 

Examples Of How To Ask For His Email Address

 

Last week in our series of posts on meeting new guys we talked about the importance of getting his email address over his phone number. This week we’re going to talk about how to do that.

You:  “Well, it was nice meeting you. I’m going to get back to my friends.”

Rationale for stating that you’re going to leave:  Good-looking men are used to men clinging to them.  The fact that you’re about to walk away period, never mind without asking for his phone number, tells him you’re different.

Him:  “Nice meeting you, too.”

You:  “Hey!  Do you have an email address?”

Rationale:  Saying, “hey!” is a bit surprising.  It sounds like an idea just popped into your head.  Notice the question isn’t, “Will you give me your address?”  This is important on a number of fronts.  Asking somebody if they have an email address is different than asking them if they’ll give it to you.  

His answer of course will be YES.  And that sets you up nicely because it’s easier to say YES to one question after you’ve said it to another.  You always want the other person to be in an affirmative position right before you ask something important.  Simply saying the word “Yes” warms the path to actually meeting your request.

You:  “Great!  Write it down for me.”  (hand him pen and paper)

Rationale:  Notice you are not writing it down.  He is.  There’s a reason you want this.  Psychologists call it the “commitment” principle.  If he writes it down, he’s doing the work, so he’ll be more committed to answering your email.

You: (In the middle of him writing it down) “Write your number down there, too.”

Rationale:  The commitment principle basically says, “In for a penny, in for a pound.”  Writing down his phone number after writing down his email just isn’t that much of a stretch.  In fact, it would be downright rude for him not to give it to you precisely because he has to back down from his commitment.  

Consistent with commitments

Which brings us to a new psychological phenomenon:  Consistency.  People want to be consistent with their commitments.  If you can get a guy to commit to something small (writing down an email address) the consistency principle triples the chance that he’ll commit to something a bit larger (writing down his number).  Once somebody commits to sharing information with you, sharing a little bit more isn’t a big deal.

What if he doesn’t have an email address (or claims not to?)

Always handle an obstacle with humor.  Here’s a great example if he says he doesn’t have email:   “Really?  Tell me this…do you have electricity?” 

Remember, make him laugh and you’re halfway up his leg.  You can follow it up by saying something like, “Alright, fine, I’ll take your phone number, even though I’d rather have your email.”  That alone makes you memorable.

A Second Living, Breathing Example Of How To Get him Email Address

You:   “Hey, do you have an email address?”

Her:  “Yes, why?”

You:  “Great, give it to me because I want to send you a quick message.”

Quick note:  If you don’t have a pen, make sure you’re smartphone is set to “notepad” so you don’t fumble around the phone trying to find a place to put his email address.

Next week in our series: What to write in your first email and how to turn it into a date.

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips

 

 

Why You Should Ask For His Email Instead Of His Number

 

It ain’t a big deal for a man to give his number out to somebody he doesn’t know if he’s on an app.  But at a social event?  The dynamic completely changes.  There are legitimate safety concerns.  Are you a Potential friend, Potential Lover, or Potential Restraining Order?

You can bypass the fear factor with a low-risk request: his email address.  In the world of rock, scissors, men, email beats phone every time.

See, men have a lot of reasons for giving out their phone numbers.  Sometimes it’s just to get you off his back.  Some like the ego stroke of getting calls and texts from lots of guys.   Can’t you just hear him turning to his friends while the phone rings off the hook–“Why are so many guys texting me!” 

Of course, most of the time men are actually interested.  The problem is that unless he had strong interest he may be standoffish, uninterested and sometimes, downright rude on the phone.  There are a lot of reasons for this. 

Depending on how much he drank and how many guys he met, he may not fully remember you.  Or sadly he may have recalled that you weren’t all that and a bag of chips.  Either way, you’re left with one dud of a phone call.

This doesn’t happen with email.  Not only is it easier to ask for, it exponentially increases the chance of a positive response.  

Why Email Is Better

First, you’ll be less rattled with a first email than a first phone call.  

Because you can think it through beforehand, you’re much likelier to write something fun, inventive and clever than you are to impulsively come up with something over the phone.

Second, it’s easier for a man to reply to an email than to respond to a phone call.

What if you call when he can’t answer?  A lot of men have a rule about not calling back (a lot of guys like to be the chasee, not the chaser), or he may not be interested enough to dial your number.  Hitting the “reply” button on your browser doesn’t take much of an investment.  Emails are answered FAR more often than voicemail messages.

Third, email gives you a better chance at building attraction with a man who’s ambivalent about you.

A man who’s ambivalent about you or has a low level of interest is not going to return your call.  And if you do catch him on the line you’re going to feel that ambivalence and most likely feel doubly pressured to “perform.”  And you know what happens with performance anxiety.  Things tend to go south; not north.

An email has a real chance of convincing an ambivalent man that maybe he had you wrong and that he should a) give you his phone number,  b) answer it when you call or c) Call you back when you leave a message.

Also, men are naturally attracted to men who take the time to write something funny or inventive.
The written word is far more romantic than the spoken word.  

It’s Low Risk

Giving out an email address is “low risk” because he can always choose not to answer it.

It’s easier to overcome the “stalker objection” with a request for an email address.  Think about it.  When was the last time a man got woken up by an obscene email in the middle of the night?

Next Week in our series:  Examples Of How To Ask For His Email Address.

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips