What Kind Of Top Do You Want To Be? Part 3 

For the past few weeks we’ve explored an important question you need to answer for yourself: what role do you want to take on in bed when you penetrate?

A dom top? A tender top? Something in between? What characteristics of a grab-it-and-growl dom top do you like? Some? None? All? Each of these archetypal penetrators express themselves uniquely in their lovemaking. 

Look at the past blog installments describing these archetypes. What characteristics of each do you like?  Like, does a tender top resonate with you? Again, absorb what feels right so you can express it authentically. 

Is Masculinity Over-rated?

Of course, there’s another way to look at your inner top.  Perhaps we are aiming too low.  We’re aiming for masculinity when we should be aiming for wholeness.  A whole man embraces both the masculine and feminine parts to his existence.  A whole man understands that aggressiveness and submissiveness are natural aspects of his masculine character.

Viewed from this perch, the questions veer in a different direction. Do I need to take any role in bed? Can’t I just be in the moment and let the chemistry with my partner unfold?  Can’t I let circumstance and spontaneity guide my actions?

If sex were a library and you were searching for the perfect top the librarian would say,  “Look in fiction.” He doesn’t exist. It is your personal expression of being the penetrator that matters. The one crafted out of preference, inspired by fantasy, tempered by need, fueled by desire and designed for pleasure.

Next week we’re going to cover a unique problem tops face in getting their partner to bottom for them: Overcoming “anticipatory anxiety.”

What Kind Of Top Do You Want To Be? Part 2

Last week we talked about two common archetypal penetrators: The Dom Top and the Romanticized Version of a Dom Top.  This week we explore…

The Tender Top 

If the dom top is about fucking, then the tender top is about making love. Unlike the porn stereotype, this is the guy who really does care about his partner and treats him with respect and kindness. Here’s a sampling from various forums extolling the virtues of this archetype: 

“I want a top to dominate me but also one who doesn’t treat me like a bitch. While yes, I prefer the passive role as I like a dominant guy who DOES take control, I’m not a bitch.” 

. . . 

“I hate a guy who just pounds. Look if I wanted to fuck a jackhammer or a hamster on crack, I would. But that’s just me. Everyone likes it differently. What one person says is a great top is another guy’s nightmare of a top. When I am topping I like to get a clue what my bottom likes based on the sounds he’s making during foreplay and sex. For me it’s a full body experience.” 

. . . 

“As a top, I’ve been told (more often than not), that someone had the hottest sex of their lives with me. Not bragging here (well maybe a bit). It’s really simple, I think…you give the bottom exactly what they need, want and crave. You fulfill the fantasy…you find out and pay attention to what turns them on and then you deliver– whether it’s a hard, pounding, sweaty fucking or a slow and passionate lovemaking; whether it’s dominant and aggressive or sensuous and mutual).”

. . . 

“I try and make the bottom enjoy it more than I do, and I enjoy fucking A LOT, so my job is to make the bottom have a better time than I am. Sure, I love fucking and trust me, I will do ANYTHING to get my dick up your ass, but I also treat my bottoms with respect and care.” 

. . . 

“I would have to say that my success at being a good top is figuring out what my partner likes and then incorporating that into what comes naturally for me to make us both happy. To me it’s definitely a team effort.” 

. . . 

“My ideal top isn’t just physical. It’s about emotional, and passionate love making. Give and take, making love furiously, intensely. No matter how you cut it, a man opening himself up for another man to enter him is the ultimate in submission. 

. . . 

I want my man to dominate me, but I am not a passive bottom. When I have a man inside me, I feel that I have the essence of that man inside me. And even though he is the aggressor, he also needs my body to achieve the ultimate release. 

. . . 

It has to be making love, not just mindless fucking, or rape…at least for me. You have to care for your partner, even if he is a total stranger. You are sharing that moment in your life with that man in the most intimate way physically. You may say lighten up but for me to allow another man to enter me, I do not take it so lightly. I want to enjoy myself to the fullest (and be completely full with him).” 

 

In our next installment of How To Top, we’ll investigate how slip into and try on the different kinds of roles men use when they penetrate. Check out the book this series is based on.

What Kind of Top Do You Want To Be?

 

In our continuing series on How To Top we investigate what role you want to take on. Your choices are fundamentally between roughness and tenderness, so let’s start there. There are three archetypes of dominant tops that receivers tend to like:

#1 The Command & Control Top Who Gives A Back Alley Pounding

This is the guy you see almost exclusively in porn. He’s locked, cocked and ready to rock. Your wishes as the bottom partner mean nothing to him. You are there to be his receptacle. Does it hurt? Shut up, it’s supposed to hurt. WHACK! 

This archetype is firmly embedded in fantasy but it has a lot of fans, as you can see in these quotes I gathered from a variety of gay forums: 

 

“I want them dumber than dirt and fucking like a runaway jack- hammer.” 

. . . 

“I want a top who’s verbal, aggressive, and knows how to be dirty. A guy who knows what positions he likes and can flip you from one to the other in a second. 

. . . 

“I like my tops to be muscular, taller than me and very strong because they usually control the pace so they should have the right stamina to do so. I quite like being submissive.” 

. . . 

“I like a guy to start slow and passionate then pick up and go Wolverine on me.” 

. . . 

“A good top is one who can take control mentally and physically. This means being big enough and strong enough to push, pull, and drag me around. Strong enough to hold me where he wants me and make sure I’m not going to be able to get away too easily. Also somebody who mentally takes over. Not a pussy who’s afraid to hurt me. Yes, go gentle at first to make sure I’m comfortable and 

not in pain, but after we’re relaxed a bit more, let the beast loose!” 

. . . 

“ I love being shown who is boss.”

 . . . 

“What turns me on the most is when a man knows what he wants and takes it without any question. I like it rough mostly. I like my ass slapped and a man moaning pushes me overboard. I like it verbal. I’m very sexual and prefer a man that can LAST as well. That’s what I need. A man that knows my limits and yet at times knows that sometimes no really does mean yes.” 

. . . 

#2 The Romanticized Version of A Dom Top 

This is the idealized mix between a good power driller and the dreamy husband who knows how to make love. Get a load of these high-wire descriptions: 

What makes a good top? Stamina and ferocity. Selfless devotion to the thrill for the bottom, and outrageous pride in proving himself the most agile and powerful man imaginable. A generous conqueror. The ability to be vocal helps – not so much verbal, but for god’s sake howl a little man! A truly accomplished top is athletic and agile and certain of himself. A brutal force that moves things around with grace that equals a tiger playing with his prey before going in for the kill. 

. . . 

A good top pulls you up, face to face, and kisses you with the same brutal passion, sucking the wind out of you while drilling as deep as possible.

A truly good top pushes everything down through his cock as an extension of his mind, and he has his partner’s ass begging, pulling, and kneading at his cock, and then responds to that with purpose and a warrior’s devotion to spilling every last drop of his testosterone in, on and all the fuck over you, and not stop until he’s brought you to the edge so many times that you literally explode for him.

And then he has to know how to finish the job, licking, tasting, kissing, and pull you close and let you feel the EXACT same power, near lethal, as you stroke and hold and are tender. Fearless strength of purpose, protective, possessive and just waiting long enough for you to catch your breath before he gets that look that threatens and thrills – ready to start all over. 

. . . 

A good top for me fucks with his entire body not just his cock … I hate the word dominance …I want to be enveloped and surrounded by his body …even when I’m at my most sluttiest I want a lot of foreplay and touching …I don’t have the most amazing body so I like a top who gets off on my worshipping his …

maybe I don’t hate the word dominate so much …because a good top for me will instinctively know how even when just sitting next to him…putting one of his legs on top of mine makes me feel wanted and warm …

I like a top who knows that even in the middle of a hardcore pounding it feels good to have him lean down and hold me so I can feel his chest muscles against my back ….he knows that just because I came ..doesn’t mean he has to stop.

Next we’re going to talk about the third type of archetypal penetrator: The Tender Top. This series is based on the book, How To Top Like A Porn Star.

The Top Whisperer

It’s one thing to understand a problem; it’s another to solve it. If at this point you’ve come to the realization that you’ve indeed bought into the toxic role-playing assumptions listed above, what can you actually do about it?

For one, you can call out these false assumptions with a backwoods southern phrase: “Devil, I refute thee!!”

In other words, consciously refute the assumptions society (especially porn) has thrust upon you. Penis size, for example. Only the well-endowed should top? Bullshit.

Condom companies say that only 6% of the population needs an extra-large condom. Should that mean the other 94% shouldn’t top? Ridiculous. Like the old saying goes, “It ain’t the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.”

Size queens aside, guys would MUCH rather bottom for the average-sized than a guy whose dick is so big it’s in the next room mixing drinks. Why? Because they’ll never get it in and even if they do, it’ll shred their rectum like a newspaper.

My point is that facts have a destabilizing influence on false assumptions. Use them often enough and your assumptions will start to crumble.

Being A Top Doesn’t Mean Acting Like A Cop

There are two basic assumptions that can keep a guy from topping. We’ve talked about the first –that you ‘should’ be tall, mean, muscled, hung or whatever toxic definition you have for masculinity.

The second is what you should do– dominate aggressively and be physically rough and forceful. One ‘should’ springs from the other. If all you’re allowed to be is a Dom top then all you’re allowed to do is be forceful, rough, selfish or whatever other connotations you have for domination.

The idea that domination has to take a certain form is a ‘should’ that needs to be taken out to the woodshed and spanked. There is no question that being a top requires you to take on a more masculine role. That is beyond contention. What is up for debate and what can help you overcome the limiting notion of an out-of-reach masculinity, is how you approach that active role.

The Submissive Top

You can top someone without taking on the kind of masculinity you feel uncomfortable with. You can top someone without pretending to be something you’re not. You can completely enjoy the active role without descending into stereotypes. There are many ways of expressing domination. You can do it tenderly and you can do it roughly. You can do it tenderly AND roughly. It all depends on what you’re comfortable with and what your partner wants.

It is even possible to top submissively. If you’ve ever seen a power bottom at work you will see that the top is pretty much playing the submissive role. Yes, it’s his penis doing the penetrating but it’s the bottom completely controlling everything– from the depth and speed of the thrusts to what positions they take and for how long.

Again, there is no one way to be a top and there is no one way of expressing your “topulinity.”

Discovering Your Inner Top

Topping somebody isn’t just about inserting your penis into his anus. If it were strictly a physical sensation you could accomplish the same thing with a dildo. No, topping is a constellation of masculine expressions that orbit around one word: Domination.

It’s a loaded word. Notice your reaction to it. Domination carries the connotation that only “real men”—macho men, tall men, big men, hung men– have the right to top because it’s such a clearly dominant sex act.

Not only that, but the word also conjures up images of whips, chains, slings, dimly lit basements and the darker side of the psyche.

Even the milder forms of what most of us understand as masculine/dominant sex can be startling: Sex with no emotional connection, no intimacy, no talking. It’s a barren, utilitarian encounter where hammer meets nail to bang one out.

This cultural consensus of what it means to top another guy isn’t just wrong; it’s wrong on stilts. It prevents a lot of guys from topping because they may have to step into a role they’re not comfortable with.

Is Hyper-Masculinity The Only Choice?

If you think the only way you can top is to “act” with the kind of hyper-masculinity that makes you uncomfortable, then it’s easy to see why you’d stay away from it. Your conscious mind will be so fearful of an inability to pull off a testosterone- laden caveman macho prick act that you start thinking things like, “I’m not strong enough, big enough, mean enough—or hung enough– to be a top.”

Your subconscious can make you impotent until you’re at a safe enough distance from the role you mistakenly think you have to play.

YOUR IDEA OF MASCULINITY IS KILLING YOU

If you’re having trouble accessing your inner top, it’s because you have a limiting view of masculinity. You have a list of “shoulds” that keep you from pleasurably experiencing what it’s like to be the ‘active’ participant in a coupling. That list includes but is not limited to thoughts like:

• I’m not tall enough
• I don’t weigh enough
• My voice isn’t deep enough
• My dick isn’t big enough
• I’m not aggressive enough
• I’m not built well enough
• I’m not man enough
• I wear caftans for Chrissakes!

If you recognize yourself in these statements you’ve bought into a big lie. You’ve limited yourself to playing in a tiny puddle when a vast unexplored ocean beckons. The idea that only hung macho pricks should top is about as valid as saying that only effeminate men should bottom. Buying into either assumption locks you into a psychic prison that keeps you from experiencing new levels of sexual joy and satisfaction.

 

Does Every Top Know What He’s Doing?

Every top gets hard, knows how to relax his partner, doesn’t worry about his partner’s hygiene, knows exactly what angle to go in at, never loses his erection and cums like a fire hose.

It’s with these widely accepted notions that my editor first rejected my manuscript. “A book about topping?” he roared. “What’s there to write about? It’s like a Thanksgiving turkey–you spread the legs and stuff it in!”

That was in 2015. How To Top Like A Porn Star went on to become a best seller, embarrassing the editor who turned down the original manuscript. The book became so popular that you are holding the new, second edition in your hands.

I knew the book would be successful because as a sex columnist I’ve received thousands of questions about topping from embarrassed gay men. “How can I get harder?” was a question I’d get as the co-host of HBO’s The Sex Inspectors.

“How can I relax my partner enough to penetrate him?” was another common question in the books I’ve written about gay sex.

And “How do I deal with the ‘yuck factor’” –hygiene–is a universal complaint I get in my syndicated column, Need Wood? Tips For Getting Timber.

But my favorite question of all time, the one that captured the longing for a more versatile sex life: “How do I find my inner top?”

Indeed.

Being the penetrator, or wanting to be the penetrator, poses a series of logistical and psychological obstacles. The smell or unsightly stains that can accompany anal sex can ruin your erection. So can performance anxiety. There you are, rock hard until the moment of penetration. Then suddenly Willie becomes Will Not.

Condom-causing impotence is another obstacle. There you are, rock hard (what is it with you and rocks?), but when the condom comes on you feel like you’re trying to play pool with a rope.

The problems don’t end there. What if you’re dealing with a newbie who’s tighter than two coats of paint? What should you do or say to make him comfortable?

By the way, saying, “Relax! Relax!” is actually the worst suggestion ever. It’s like being in a bar and having a friend say, “Smile! Smile!” You want to punch him. Same thing with your partner. YOU try relaxing while somebody tries to open an umbrella inside your ass!

Getting your penis into the promised land also poses a few tactical challenges. What’s the best angle of entry? What’s the best position to start with? How are your knees holding up? How do you keep hard while you’re trying to figure all of this out?

And once in you’re tasked with doing double duty—giving as well as taking pleasure. Do you “make love” or give him a back alley pounding? Do you lovingly undulate or bang him like a screen door in a hurricane?

Whew! That’s a lot of issues for the simple act of topping. Wasn’t it supposed to be easy as (warm) pie? Well, if it were that easy then we’d all be having anal intercourse, wouldn’t we?

Gay men have a lot less anal sex than you’d think. The Journal Of Sex Medicine shocked the gay community a while back with its sex survey of 25,000 gay men in all 50 states. It asked a simple question: “Have you engaged in anal sex in the past month?”

Guess how many guys said yes?

Go ahead, guess.

Thirty seven percent.

That wasn’t a typo. Thirty seven percent! Clearly, anal sex isn’t easy for a lot of gay men. Bottoming gets the nod for being the most problematic act but the Journal of Sex Medicine’s survey results hints at a more silent one—the obstacles associated with topping.

Overcoming the obstacles doesn’t necessarily make you a good lover. A reader to my sex advice column once wrote me this:

I always hear guys saying, “I love it when a top knows what to do.” But they never specify just what that top is doing that is so great! I know there’s the whole massaging of the prostate thing, but if you’re a top can you really feel the prostate that well with your dick? I mean, what the hell makes a great top? Is it a certain fuck stroke, is it just being patient with you, is it more psychological things he does like acting dominant?

This is a fabulous question–what makes a good top? You’re about to find out in these series of posts. My intention is to help you become the kind of guy everybody wants to get under. Whether you’re new to the scene, are exclusively bottom-oriented and want to be more versatile or exclusively top-oriented but want to be better at it–you’re going to find profoundly helpful advice.

The series, based on my book on topping, starts next week.  Mark your calendars.