The Top Whisperer

It’s one thing to understand a problem; it’s another to solve it. If at this point you’ve come to the realization that you’ve indeed bought into the toxic role-playing assumptions listed above, what can you actually do about it?

For one, you can call out these false assumptions with a backwoods southern phrase: “Devil, I refute thee!!”

In other words, consciously refute the assumptions society (especially porn) has thrust upon you. Penis size, for example. Only the well-endowed should top? Bullshit.

Condom companies say that only 6% of the population needs an extra-large condom. Should that mean the other 94% shouldn’t top? Ridiculous. Like the old saying goes, “It ain’t the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.”

Size queens aside, guys would MUCH rather bottom for the average-sized than a guy whose dick is so big it’s in the next room mixing drinks. Why? Because they’ll never get it in and even if they do, it’ll shred their rectum like a newspaper.

My point is that facts have a destabilizing influence on false assumptions. Use them often enough and your assumptions will start to crumble.

Being A Top Doesn’t Mean Acting Like A Cop

There are two basic assumptions that can keep a guy from topping. We’ve talked about the first –that you ‘should’ be tall, mean, muscled, hung or whatever toxic definition you have for masculinity.

The second is what you should do– dominate aggressively and be physically rough and forceful. One ‘should’ springs from the other. If all you’re allowed to be is a Dom top then all you’re allowed to do is be forceful, rough, selfish or whatever other connotations you have for domination.

The idea that domination has to take a certain form is a ‘should’ that needs to be taken out to the woodshed and spanked. There is no question that being a top requires you to take on a more masculine role. That is beyond contention. What is up for debate and what can help you overcome the limiting notion of an out-of-reach masculinity, is how you approach that active role.

The Submissive Top

You can top someone without taking on the kind of masculinity you feel uncomfortable with. You can top someone without pretending to be something you’re not. You can completely enjoy the active role without descending into stereotypes. There are many ways of expressing domination. You can do it tenderly and you can do it roughly. You can do it tenderly AND roughly. It all depends on what you’re comfortable with and what your partner wants.

It is even possible to top submissively. If you’ve ever seen a power bottom at work you will see that the top is pretty much playing the submissive role. Yes, it’s his penis doing the penetrating but it’s the bottom completely controlling everything– from the depth and speed of the thrusts to what positions they take and for how long.

Again, there is no one way to be a top and there is no one way of expressing your “topulinity.”