Should You Keep Texting If He Doesn’t Respond?

 

So I get this email from a guy who met somebody he spent the weekend with.  Apparently, the clouds broke, the birds chirped, and the sun shone through.  He had met The One.

But The One barely returned his calls or texts.

So he wanted to know if he should keep calling and texting.

Which brings me to that look ostriches get when they hear a whistle.

The one we all get when hope, longing and desire makes us deaf, dumb and blind.

It’s hard to avoid it when The One sends a text for every three you send.   Doesn’t that mean he’s interested and just needs a little push?

Think back to the last time you responded once or twice to somebody who blew up your phone with calls and texts. Why didn’t you respond?  Was it because you were too busy? Because you never got any of his messages? Because you were stuck in a dead zone for a month and couldn’t call out? Because you weren’t “ready for a relationship?” Because you had intimacy issues?  Or because you weren’t interested?  You can avoid this kind of heartbreak with the next Mr. I Know He Loves Me So Why Isn’t He Calling Back? Here’s how:

Don’t Text Him Again Until He Responds.

Before you send that second text/call/email ask yourself, “Did he respond to my first text?” If the answer’s no, and you still want to send him another text, ask yourself a second question: “Do I want him to see me as a ‘Potential Boyfriend’ or a ‘Potential Restraining Order’?”

 

Mirror The Timing Of His Response.

If it took him a day or two to respond to your first text then take a day or two to respond back. His timing is a form of communication. Ignore this at your peril. Generally speaking, the longer he takes to answer the less interested he is. There are three main reasons he waited more than a day to text you back: a) He’s just not that into you b) He’s got a boyfriend or somebody else he’s more interested in, or c) He’s dealing with drama –an ex who won’t leave him alone or worse, a cowlick that won’t stay down. In any case, the worse thing you can do is assault him with a barrage of texts or calls.

 

Wait A Few Days To Confirm He Got Your First Message.

It’s entirely possible that he didn’t get it. I’ve accidentally deleted emails and texts before (you should have heard my howls). Stupid shit happens and you need to make sure his silence isn’t a product of bad luck. But wait a couple of days before you hit him with a simple, “Just wanted to make sure you got my message from a couple of days ago.”

 

Okay, one last thought: Don’t be foolish enough to think persistence will win him over. Yes, perseverance can pay big dividends but only if you know WHEN TO BACK THE FUCK UP.Ask anybody who’s been on the receiving end of somebody who just can’t take “No” for an answer: Persistence without patience is harassment.

 

Try a Romance Douche

It’ll flush the crap right out of your thinking.

I got some of the most moving emails I’ve ever gotten in response to a column I recently wrote about being single.  My heart aches when I get letters like this one, and though I try to play it off humorously I really get how unbearable it can be to face yet another weekend without anybody by your side.

Q.  I’ve pretty much lost all hope of ever meeting anyone for a meaningful relationship.  It’s been 10 years since I last dated anyone (I’m 38 now).   It’s been so long since I last had sex I can’t even remember who or when it was.  Up until recently, I went out every weekend and had profiles on almost all the social networking sites, gay and straight.  I know that going out to the club isn’t the best place to meet someone but I don’t live in a huge gay mecca.  There aren’t gay coffee shops or restaurants to frequent.  When I do go out I’m never even looked at.  Physically I’m no Adonis but it’s not like I need to be rolled back out to sea either.  I think I’m a very friendly person with a big heart and great sense of humor but it’s hard for that to shine through on profiles.  I think part of my problem is that I’ve just accepted that I will be alone for the rest of my life masturbating to porn.  But it’s hard not to have that mentality when it seems no one is interested.   In a couple of years I will be 40 and I just feel that by then it will all be over.  I’ve even advertised on Craig’s List, offering to give oral with no reciprocation required . . .  and still nothing.  If I can’t even give away a blow job how can I get anyone interested in me for more?  

–All Hope Lost

Dear Lost:

I ached when I read this.  Your heart’s broken in so many pieces your email jingled when I opened it.  Sadly, it’s all because you’ve bought into a false premise–the one that says if you just go to the right bar you’ll find HIM.  That if you just wore something better, drove something newer, said something smarter, HE would magically appear.  That if you earned more, looked hotter, or fucked harder HE would save you.  Or at least, buy you a drink.

Well, HE won’t.  Part of being single is learning how to handle that awful truth.  Nobody is coming to rescue you.  HOWEVER.  You can rescue yourself –and get a relationship–if you’d repair the fatal flaw in your thinking.  See, boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends.  And you’re about as happy as Kate Moss with blocked nostrils.

Until you really “get” that happiness brings boyfriends, not the other way around, you’re doomed to singlehood–or worse, honkin’ bad boyfriends.  So, instead of looking for a husband, get yourself ready for one.  How?  With a Romance Douche.  You know how you don’t want anybody topping you if you’re dirty between your legs?  Well, you don’t want anybody dating you when you’re feeling crappy between your ears.  Let’s face it, dating is a lot like bottoming–you gotta clean yourself out or the shit is going to go everywhere.  That’s why you need something that’ll flush out your system so you don’t drive away potential husbands, or worse, stain something valuable.

A Romance Douche is simply what I call a “time out.” A break from boyfriend hunting.  A three-to-six month holiday to build stronger connections with friends and family, with hobbies and sports.  A leave of absence from the back-breaking work of scaring up a partner so you can cultivate passions and involve yourself with things that make you interesting, and dare I say it, happy.

Let the sabbatical be your enema and I promise you’ll have so many guys applying for the husband job you’ll have to put up a sign that says, “Line forms in the rear.”

Single? Do The Unthinkable In A Roomful Of Hot Men

 

When you’re single you live under two organizing principles: trying to meet new guys and pretending you’re not trying to meet new guys.

That’s why you hear bullshit like, “I go to gay bars for the music,” or “I don’t care if I meet someone, I’m just here to have fun.”

Right. And I go to the baths to get wet.

Cruising is an art form with difficult rules. Worse, the rules change depending on the players, the venues, and the circumstances. Cruise too hard you scare them off; cruise too little you won’t get off.

We all know people who can walk into a bar and leave with the best-looking guy in 10 minutes. It takes me 20 but only because there’s a time delay in the drugs I slip into their drinks.

Assuming you want the guy to walk out on his own and not slung over your shoulder, you shouldn’t listen to me. You should listen to my friend Tony.

Tony’s no great looker. I mean he’s above average-looking but the guys he snags, they’re not above average-looking. They’re waaaay above average looking. So above, you get a nosebleed just looking at them.

“How do you do it?” I once asked him. “Watch,” he said, as we walked into a bar. He didn’t just walk in like he owned the place; he walked in like he paid cash at the closing. And then he walked around with a genuinely warm smile, like he couldn’t wait to buy you a drink.

Contrary to what porn videos and many gay TV shows will have you believe, confidence and approachability, not contempt and inaccessibility, is what’ll get you plowed more often than a snowy Minnesota highway.

Are you one of those guys who’s pretty much given up on the idea of meeting Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, or even Mr. Oh, You’ll Do?

My advice is to listen to Tony. Do the unthinkable in a room full of good-looking men: smile and be friendly.

 

 

Gay Dating Resources

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How To Meet Guys
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Texting Resources:

The Guide To Gay Texting

From Text To Sex

How To Talk Dirty In Bed

 

Sex Resources

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How To Top

How To Give Head

How To Cum More

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Erotic Temperature Quiz

 

How Long To Wait Before You Make The First Call

 

We’ve all been there. You meet a man, score his phone number and wrestled with dating’s original question: How long do you wait before you call him?

There really is a golden rule but the rule, properly applied, will result in different answers. Let me explain.

Meeting a man at a Starbucks at four in the afternoon is different than meeting him at a club at two in the morning.  Meeting a man who’s hot for you is different than meeting one who’s lukewarm.  Shouldn’t there be different rules for different situations?

No.  There is one and only rule about the timing of a call.  And the rule is in the form of a question:

“What is most likely to increase the attraction?”

Sometimes calling RIGHT AWAY will increase the attraction because the connection is so strong that you don’t dare exercise patience.

But sometimes waiting a couple of days increases the attraction because one or both of you just aren’t that into it.  

If you still can’t figure it out, here’s the rule of thumb:  24 hours. 

Should You Leave A Voice Mail Or Call Back?

Voice mail.  Here’s the message you’re sending him if you keep calling:  “I have no idea what the difference is between harassment and persistence. It doesn’t bother me that you’re not returning my calls.  I’m too busy measuring your coffin to care.”

Wow, there’s somebody a guy wants to call back.

ALWAYS leave a message the first time you call.  If you’re too nervous and don’t know what to say, try this: 

“Hey, it’s (your name here}), call me. My number is…”

Keep it tight, keep it right.  The shortness, delivered in a friendly way, will stir his curiosity.

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
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Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
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How To Avoid Conversational Dead-Ends On The First Call

 

The trick to preventing conversational dead-ends is to jump from one subject to the other BEFORE any one subject dries up.  You do this all the time with good friends–you just don’t realize it.  Here, look at the difference in conversational styles between:  

You and a Stranger…

You:  Have you been to that new boutique hotel downtown?

Stranger:  No, I haven’t.  Have you?  (continues thread)

You:  Yeah, it’s pretty rad (continue thread)

Stranger:  What makes it so different?  (continues thread)

You:  It’s got a pool in the middle of the lobby.  (continue thread)

Can you spell B-O-R-I-N-G?  Now look at the same conversation if you’d had it with a good friend…  

You:  Have you been to that new boutique hotel downtown?

Friend:  Oh yeah, I banged a guy in the condo next door!  (opens a new thread)  Is it worth going to?  (jumps back to first thread)

You:  Is there any building in this town you haven’t had sex in?    You’re like a walking petri dish.  (Open new thread).  Anyway, the hotel’s pretty rad, actually.  (Return to original thread).  

Friend:  It’s not my fault you can’t get laid.  Try talking to a guy without looking at your shoes for once.  (opens yet another thread).  What makes it so different?  (Returns to original thread).

You:  Yes, I want to be just like you–walk into the STD clinic and say, “I’ll have the usual!”  (open another thread)  No, thanks.  Anyway, it’s got a pool in the middle of the lobby.

Strangers talk in a single thread (boring); friends talk in multiple threads (exciting).  Think of a subject you bring up to him as a “thread” in the mosaic of a conversation.  You’d have a pretty boring piece of fabric if you made the whole thing out of one single string.  So create multiple ones.  Multiple threads create energy, rapport and the feeling that you have a lot to talk about.   

Multiple threads also create a mild form of suspense in the way the best TV shows do.  Before they go to commercial break TV shows end with a mini-cliffhanger so you’ll be sure to stay tuned.  You can do the same thing in a conversation through multiple threads.  

Example:  

“Which singer would you want to be in the Village People?  Wait!  Before you answer, did I tell you what happened to me today?  (tell your quick story, then…) Oh my bad, so which singer would you want to be?”

Multiple threads create open loops to give you the opportunity to come back and close them.  They add suspense.  Any time you introduce an unresolved question, an unfinished sentence, or cut a story off you add a little intrigue.  Another example:  So my secret to making a perfect cup of coffee is to, wait, did you just see that dog hanging out of the car window?!  

You can easily add multiple threads by noticing something new and getting more excited about it than what you were talking about.  Then return to the original thread.

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips

 

 

What To Say On The First Call (Or Text)

 

Here’s a common texting mistake: “Hey it’s Mike, It was nice meeting you tonight, hope your night went well.”

Yes, show him you have the personality of a parking meter.  A dry text or voicemail like that adds no value to the conversation and puts the burden on him to keep the conversation from slipping into the abyss.

One word:  Playful.

Great Text Examples:

“Hey there trouble maker, did you manage to get back home in one piece last night or did your friends have to carry you home?” 

“Hey man eater, hope you didn’t break too many hearts last night.”

“Hey, were you able to get in your casket before dawn?”

As for that first phone call…

It’s natural to be nervous so have a plan, man.  Know what you’re going to say before you pick up the phone.  Preparation will eliminate awkward silences and propel you into a fun, engaging conversation.

Here’s how you prepare:  Think back to the subjects that you joked about and use that as your opening line when he picks up the phone.  Let’s say you were teasing him about a big necklace he was wearing the fateful night you met:

Ring, ring, ring….

Him:  Hello?

You:  Are you still wearing that necklace I tried to do the hoola hoop in the other night?

Him:  Oh!  Stephen!  Very funny!  How are you?

Contrast the energy and vibe of that opening phone call with:

“Hi, it’s Stephen.  We met at the bar the other night?”

Point made. Always open with something cheeky or flirty that was specific to the interaction you first had.  His mind will immediately go back to the fun interaction you shared and bam! you’ve put him in the kind of positive emotional state that will move the conversation forward.   

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys
Gay Dating Tips

 

 

Would You Stop Dating A Guy Because He Won’t Do Anal?

 

QUESTION

I’ve recently met a great guy. We are both in our early 40’s but have been around the block, so to speak. There is a strong mutual attraction. We have many of the same interests and sense of humor. He’s kind and considerate. He’s great to look at, and sexy, too! 

Our time together has been flirty and fun as we get to know each other. We’ve been on a few dates but haven’t had sex yet. (Although, we have “made out” a couple of times.) I see long-term potential here and would like to pursue a relationship with him.

The other night, the topic of sex came up in discussion (no pun intended) and he stated that he doesn’t find anything about anal sex appealing – at all. 

He doesn’t want to stick his d**k up anyone’s butt, nor does he want one stuck up his, either. I asked him if he’s ever done it and he said “no”, but doesn’t want to. Now, I’ve had my share of anal sex, both as a pitcher and a catcher. While I find it very enjoyable, I can actually understand someone’s reluctance to participate.  

There is preparation involved, it can be uncomfortable/painful at times, and it can be messy. And, don’t get me started on this “a** to mouth” stupidity if you are not using condoms. (Really? You want to put that in my mouth after it’s been up my butt? Really??? That grosses me out. The health implications alone are staggering.) 

Let me say, his lack of desire in this department is NOT a deal breaker for me. Lord knows, there are plenty of other sexual activities! But, I was wondering how common his attitude towards anal sex is in the gay community. There seems to be this impression in the gay and straight communities that all gay guys want to do is buttf**k.

Your opinion? 

Callen-Lorde, an LGBTQ community health center in NYC, surveyed 1,000 gay men in 2017 and found that just 19% of them engage in anal sex.

Other studies have shown similar numbers. For example, there was a study that asked gay men what sex act they performed in their last encounter and 37% said anal sex.

 Clearly gay men do not have nearly the amount of anal sex as both the hetero and homo cultures would have it.   Get a load of this quote from David Guggenheim, the Chief Mental Health Officer at Callen-Lorde:

“Anal sex is low on the list of sexual practices that gay men engage in.” 

If that doesn’t say it all I don’t know what does. Now there are lots of reasons why gay men don’t have as much anal sex as everybody thinks they do, and you mentioned several of them. 

First and foremost, is that the receiver calls the shots on whether anal sex is going to happen or not. And those shots are based on a couple of things. First, are they prepared?

 In other words, are they clean enough down there to be penetrated? Very few gay men who like to receive have anal sex spontaneously. It has to be planned because getting yourself clean is a time-consuming–and many will assert–ghastly, process that can involve douching, enemas and the risk of anal leakage.

But even if you’re prepared in terms of cleanliness other activities during the night might derail plans. For example, if you end up eating something that causes intestinal distress there is very little likelihood that even a planned session of anal sex will occur.

This is why, to most gay men, the tent sex scene in Brokeback Mountain was unbelievably unbelievable. They had a greasy meal then screwed using spit as lube? If that ain’t a fantasy I don’t know what is.

Why is it that even gay people think gay people have more anal sex than we actually do? Part of it is that heterosexuals have defined the meaning of sex as penetration therefore we’ve absorbed it as part of our languaging. It may be true that gay men have a lot of sex but it doesn’t necessarily translate into anal sex.

Getting back to your question about how common this belief is among gay men– that anal sex is being had everywhere by everyone– I think is fairly accurate. The perception of anal sex frequency, that is. Not the actuality.

 It is one of the curiosities of gay culture that we spend so much time talking up a sex act that we don’t actually do all that often. I’m glad to see that your friend’s reticence about anal sex doesn’t preclude you from dating him. 

There are so many ways to get sexual satisfaction it seems self-defeating to cross somebody off your list because they don’t like to do something our people do little of.

 And even if that was important to you that’s still not a good reason to break off with somebody because… people change. What you like now may not be what you like later. What you’re  not willing to try today you may be willing to try tomorrow. 

Being in a relationship is so much greater than a sexual preference in at a fixed moment in time.

Should You Keep Talking To The Hottie After You Get His Number?

 

There are two schools of thought about this question.  On the one hand, leaving right after you get his phone number makes it look like the whole point of talking to him was to get his phone number.  Which makes you a self-validating prick who isn’t interested in adding genuine value to his life.  Don’t make him think you wanted his phone number more than you wanted him.

By continuing to talk to him, you strengthen the connection and build more attraction.  This is an important point if you’re getting a lot of phone numbers, but never get your calls returned.  Or worse, getting them answered but never getting a date (or a hookup) out of it.

Once you build more attraction you’ve dramatically increased the chance that he’ll call/text you back.  Each new thread of conversation weaves a stronger bond between you.  The more investment he makes (in time, in emotional currency) the more he is going to want a return on that investment.  Like picking up the phone when you call and saying yes to a date.

Besides, nothing is more awkward than constantly running into a guy the same night you got his number.  If you’re going to leave, LEAVE.  Don’t hang out in the same place.

An Opposing View

In most cases, you should be asking for the phone number toward the end of a conversation.  Asking for it in the middle is a little anti-climactic.  There’s something to be said for anticipation.

You can’t build desire by being completely available to a man.  There’s a great lesson in the movie, The Tao Of Steve.  He surprised the object of his affection by doing something impressive and then disappearing.  It always made the next encounter more resonant because then she had a chance to absorb her experience with him and then build suspense for the next one.

So what’s the answer?  Should you stay or should you go?

Go.  It’s always better to leave on a high and leave them wanting more.  But again, if you’re getting flaky responses (no callbacks, reticence when you do reach them, etc.), then you need to spend time building more attraction before you leave.

 

Gay Dating Resources

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How To Meet Guys
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Are You Obligated To Respond To A Compliment On Grindr?

Cyber civility is still an emerging field. It’s widely assumed that the manners and behavior we exhibit in the real world should transfer to the internet, but obviously that hasn’t been the case (see: anonymous commenters) – and I’m not sure whether that’s a good or bad thing.

I confess to engaging in behavior that would be considered rude in a face-to-face scenario, but that seemed entirely appropriate for an anonymous stranger.

To wit: In early May, a guy hit me up on a GPS-based hook-up app with the flirty message “Very cute.”
I could’ve replied with an equally generic “Thanx,” although I was weary of starting a conversation thread with someone I had no interest in dating, getting to know, or even chatting with. Instead, I trashed the message and thought nothing of it.

Last week, I got another message from the guy: “You must be shy cause I know it’s not cause I’m UNATTRACTIVE.” Irritated by the guy’s unfounded arrogance, I couldn’t ignore his message this time and so I coyly replied, “No shyness on my part.”

“Then u must learn how to say ‘Thank You’ when someone pays you a compliment,” he hissed back.

“And you need to learn how to accept a polite rejection,” I wrote.

“First of all I was NOT seeking anything from you’re a** that warrant rejection!!!! I simply paid your DUMB a** a COMPLIMENT!! There is a DIFFERENCE!! LEARN IT!! Carry On!!” he pounded into his cellphone keypad.

“Which is why you sent me a lame (and inaccurate) second message months after you accomplished your “simple” goal of paying me a compliment? I should’ve ignored the second one, too.”

I recognize the prickish tint to my behavior, but his arrogance and bitterness makes me wonder: Did he really deserve a thank you to begin with? If I knew within a millisecond of receiving his message that we would not mesh, should I really waste my time or his by sending a canned response (to which he undoubtedly would have responded), prolonging our tortured – and ultimately unnecessary — conversation?

His catty response relieves me of any guilt I may feel about not practicing real-world manners in cyberspace. It also reminds me of a lesson I was taught as a pre-teen by my father, who often responded to people saying “I love you,” by saying, “That’s sweet of you.”

“Aren’t you supposed to say, ‘I love you, too?’” I asked my father.

“When someone tells you they love you, they should do so because that’s how they feel and they want you to know it. They should not tell you that just so that they can hear it back, and you should never feel like you have to say it back to someone.” Paying a compliment is the same way: It dilutes the compliment when you attach your expectations and a return address to it.