The Problem With Giving Gay Men Relationship Advice
Most of the letters I get in my gay column about relationships boil down to three main issues:
- How do you get your boyfriend to do what you want in bed?
- How do you get into and stay in a relationship?
- Is monogamy the highest expression of love or the dyslexic spelling of monotony?
The answer to the first one’s easy. Pistol with him. The only problem is that the use of weaponry is inconsistent with the spirit of love. I’m still working on how to resolve that.
The real answer to getting your boyfriend to do what you want is simple, yet it’s the kind of simplicity that’s beyond the reach of us emotionally constipated guys. The answer is talking. but “talking” has a universally hated little brother called “listening,” and nobody wants him hanging around, ruining the hanky panky.
What I find in my letters is that gay men suffer not just from the inability to talk, but also the fear that doing it will cause more problems. It’s a well justified fear, given the way most guys go about it. Let’s face it, we don’t talk; we tell. We don’t have conversations, we have demands.
It’s Not What You Say
What you say to your partner is secondary to how you say it. You know how, when you’re single, the difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship? Well, when you’re in a relationship, salesmanship has to give way to diplomacy, which as everyone knows, is the art of stealing more on Tuesday then what you gave up on Monday.
The second most common question I get is “how do I get me a relationship?” This reveals how hard it is for many gay men to start meaningful relationships. You only have to be male for about a minute to understand how the duality of our natures make lasting emotional connections so hard. Namely, that we think like women and act like men.
How do we resolve our conflicting desires? How do we work out our needs for tenderness, security, and love with our desire to stick our dicks in anything with a pulse? If you figure it out, write. It’s as good as published.
I’ve written this column as a single man and as someone who was in a committed relationship. I looked at all my columns to see if my answers on relationships reflected my status in any way. Here’s what I noticed: when I was in a committed relationship I tended to rail against monogamy; when I was single I tended to glorify it.
If that doesn’t tell you something about the male psyche, I don’t know what will.
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