How To Tell Someone They’re Rubbish In Bed
As well as a billion other questions people ask us about talking to their partners about sex (“what do I do if my partner is humiliated / mortified / hates me / shoots me / divorce is me / throws themselves in front of a train”) the main one people seem to grapple with is how to introduce the topic that might be framed as that relationship-killing move, “Honey, let’s talk about our sex life.”
There are several sneaky ways to avoid a direct assault on your partner. The first is to use something in the newspaper or a magazine or blog post you’re reading. Like this one! Point to an article about someone having an affair and then say, “Honestly, that’s the hundredth person this week who’s cheating on their partner. And I bet it’s about sex! Now, often it isn’t, but that’s not important here.
You could continue and say, are you happy with our sex life? Because I want us both to be completely and utterly satisfied!
He’ll mutter something appropriate and that’s when you step in with, is there anything you’d like me to do in bed that I’m not doing already? There are so many things we could try.
At this stage, they’ll still probably think you’re after reassurances of fidelity but it’s relatively simple to turn it around. Look thoughtful, tap your finger on your chin and say something like, “Actually, now that I think about it, the last time we had sex, I wasn’t quite sure whether you were enjoying what I was doing or not…”
And before you know it, you’re chatting about what they’d like more or less of and it’s relatively easy from there to guide it to what you’d like more or less of. If prompting the discussion by referring to affairs frightens the life out of you, say you had a dream that the two of you split up and it was truly awful. Hug them and say, I’d hate for that to happen. Are you happy with our relationship? What about our sex life? And continue as explained before.
Okay, now that you have the gist of it here are the nitty-gritty details to make it as painless as possible for both of you.
Don’t Talk In The Bedroom
That’s where all the action probably doesn’t happen, so it’s a no-go zone. Ideally, you’d choose somewhere both of you feel comfortable and share nice ‘couple memories.’ If you’re both snuggle up and watch the television types, talk on the sofa you usually sit on (that’s with the television off obviously).
If your best time together is when you’re both cooking dinner, bring it up while you’re pottering about in the kitchen. You can always stop what you’re doing to talk. What’s important is that the environment feels non-threatening.
Introduce The Topic In A Light-hearted Way
Saying, sit down, we need to talk, works for some but terrifies others. I suggest not beginning the discussion with, “We need to talk about our sex life,” or even worse, “I’m not happy with our sex life.” The only time that works is if your partner is avoiding talking about it and it’s a desperate last resort.
The reason why you shouldn’t be direct is because people stop listening when they hear something shocking or hurtful. If you say, “I hate it when you give me oral sex,” they won’t hear anything you say after that, even if it’s, “but you are absolutely fantastic and everything else.” They’ll be stuck back at “oh my God he thinks I’m crap at ora,” for about a half an hour, possibly more — days, months, years.
Start With A Positive
Saying, “When you kiss me, I almost throw up,” won’t score you sexual brownie points now will you see improvement in their kissing technique. Instead, start by complimenting them on what they are getting right, even if it’s “I love the way you look at me when we kiss.”
Or try pretending that they are already doing what you like. Say, “I love it when you kiss me really softly,” even if they never have, and it’ll ensure that the next time they do kiss you, they’ll be more gentle.
Say What You Want More Of, Not Less Of
Again, it’s all psychological. Asking someone to stop doing something is a negative. Asking them to do more of something is a positive. Instead of, “When you touch my penis, I can hardly feel it. It’s almost like you’re scared of it,” say, “I love it when you touch my penis. Can you do it a bit harder?”
Do Unto Others
Most people do to their partners what they’d like done to them. If you’re a sucker for your neck being nibbled, it’s likely you’ll nibble theirs. Give them the attention you’d like in bed. Astute lovers know it’s rare to do something to someone you don’t like yourself. This obviously works in reverse, so pay attention.
Use Body Language
When they do something you like, don’t just think, “At last!” Let them know they’ve hit the spot. Over-exaggerate your response. He won’t be able to help but get the message. Groan and moan, press yourself closer to them.
If you don’t like what they’re doing, do the opposite. Pull back slightly twist away and redirect their hand, mouth, bits to where you’d prefer it.
Don’t Reject, Redirect
If he’s touching your nipples and you don’t like it, take his hand and put it somewhere you would like to be touched. Pushing away someone’s hand is rude and a turn-off. Lifting it to place it somewhere else, with a sexy, cheeky expression on your face, is a turn-on.
Give An Explanation
Why don’t you like what your partner is doing? Is it because it hurts? It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “Ouch! That hurts!” in a jokey way. If he gets offended, explain it’s just your thing.
If they’re very easily offended, say, “God, that feels delicious (even though it obviously doesn’t) can you do it a bit harder / softer?” Keep directing till they get it right and then, and this is crucial, you will reward all that hard work with “Oh God, that’s just perfect!”
Waxing lyrical about how fabulous they just made you feel will soothe any paranoia about having to be redirected.
Next week: What Not To Do When You Bring Up The Subject Of Your Sex Life