Like A Pornstar

Like A Pornstar

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Why Be Nice When You Can Scar People For Life?

What is it about gay dating apps that bring out the bitchiness in us boys? When we set out to find the bitchiest app profiles we noticed a pattern: The successfully bitchy profiles (not everyone made our list—only the ones larded with attitude made it) were either arrogant (“ain’t I great?”) or condescending (as one contestant who made the list said in his profile, “UH8MECUZU8NTME.”).

If you want to make our list next year here’s a step-by-step guide to turning out a bitchy profile worthy of being admired:

  1. Act as if the sun comes up to hear you crow.

You’re not bringing your A game unless you write like everyone got on Grindr to meet you. You OWN that app, baby, so work it. Preening arrogance isn’t learned, it’s earned, so show them ego’s wages with a line like, “Clearly, I’m the hottest thing on this app.”

 

  1. Make Other People Feel Bad That They’re Not You.

If you’re young, say something like, “No old people!” If you’re white say, “Not into black.” If you’re in-shape or masculine, it’s “Fems and fats keep moving.” People shouldn’t just read your profile; they should leave scarred for life.

 

  1. Rage Against Time Wasters.

Don’t start your profile with something about you; start it like a caseworker yelling, “NEXT!” One profile we liked started with this line: “State your case! I don’t like games or bs—if you trying to f*ck say that!” Poetry. Pure Bitchy Poetry.

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  1. Get In Touch With Your Inner Bitch.

A friend of mine once got thrown out of a bar for brawling with an ex. His explanation: “I thought he needed a margarita no salt so I threw it in his face.” Exactly. You’ve got to throw that margarita—salt or no salt– in everyone’s app face. One profile we liked said, “It’s not homophobia—everybody hates you.”

 

  1. Attack The Partnered.

Your profile isn’t meant to simply showcase your best assets; it’s a soapbox to let people know what you think about open relationships. This is a favorite sport that separates the truly bitchy from the ladder-climbers. One profile that got our attention said: “Have a great boyfriend? Then get off GrindR and do his laundry!” Word.

 

  1. Make Guys With HIV Feel Like Crap.

You can’t actually attack people with HIV like you would anybody over 40, the not-in-shape or the not-so-masculine. With those groups you can be direct because it’s socially acceptable: “Fems or fats, keep moving.” Or my personal favorite: “Forty is spelled l-e-p-r-o-s-y.”

No, attacking HIV positive guys takes skill. That’s why the bitchy came up with three letters: “DDF.” Stands for Drug & Disease Free. And of course by “disease” they mean HIV. Add the line, “And intend to stay that way” and you have a sharp knife that slides in without anybody knowing they’ve been stabbed until they see blood on the floor.

It takes cunning and skill to come up with a profile bitchy enough to meet our standards. While it may get you accolades from our judges it’s doubtful that it’s going to get you much more. If you’re looking for a date or a hook up, making people feel bad about themselves or their friends isn’t going to get you very far.
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