How To Deal With Low Libido Part 11

Remember the days when your loins caught fire anytime your partner walked by? Forget about them—they’re getting in the way. See, you’re waiting for a dramatic, overwhelming sense of desire before having sex.

High libido people report dramatic stirrings in their stomachs (among other places) when they get sexually excited, while low libido people don’t. It’s easy to act on your urges when you get physiological triggers that demand a response. But sexual signals in low libido men aren’t always that overt. Typically, low libido men don’t get excited until they have sex.

Even when they do feel sexual stirrings, they’re more likely to feel burning coals than raging fires. Start paying attention to subtle feelings and act on them. Wait. Did you just notice your partner’s cologne when he walked by? Don’t keep reading this book; put it down and go kiss him. Don’t wait for the fire; act on the flicker. Ask any fireman—a spark is all you need to turn wood into a spectacle.

Sometimes, of course, you don’t even get a flicker to act on. In those cases, you have to be willing to…

Have Sex Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

I’m not talking about having sex to alleviate the guilt you may feel about withdrawing from your partner. Or doing it because you want to avoid more conflict. Or because you want to “take one for the team.” Those are actually noble goals, but they’re not ours.

Our goal is for you to understand that it’s possible to start out not wanting it and end up not getting enough; to experience turning zero arousal into 60 MPH sex. To understand that great sex doesn’t always have to start with great desire. The sex itself creates desire.

Almost every man has experienced a time when he didn’t feel like having sex, “gave in” to their partner and ended up having the time of their lives. Having sex when you’re not aroused is like eating food when you’re not hungry. Sometimes a sniff of the hot dog makes you want to put the whole thing in your mouth.

With relish.

Now, let’s not be stupid. You have the right to refuse sex anytime you want. This isn’t about giving up control of your body. It isn’t about forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do; it’s about letting yourself do something that can take you to a better place. It’s about experimenting with the idea that sex can create desire.

Now, there are certain things that will facilitate your willingness to have sex when you don’t feel like it. Number one is teaching your partner what makes you hotter than lava.

You need to communicate everything you learned in your self-exploration. What specific things can he do to make the journey more pleasurable? Soft, petal-like kisses that grow stronger bit by bit? Where does he start? Behind your ears? How? Do you prefer a massage? Where?

He’s got to pay attention to what makes you wanna/gonna and do it well. This, of course, can be problematic, as men often think foreplay means shutting their eyes and bracing for impact. He’s got to become your idea of a great lover; not his. The only way he’ll become that is to tell him how you want things.

Just remember that while training your guy to deliver what you like is helpful, in the end, your libido, like your orgasm, is yours to manage.

As you experiment with having sex when you don’t feel like it, you will have initial thoughts like, “When will this be over? How long is this going to last? I forgot to call Mom.”

That’s fine and to be expected. But in between these thoughts, I want you to ask yourself, “How can I make this feel better? What can I do that will turn me on more?” They’re the same questions you asked yourself in the cultivating sensuality chapter: “How can I get more physical pleasure out of what I’m doing?” “How can I make my body feel better?” “How can I enhance the physical sensations I’m experiencing?”

These questions are critical to your success (defined as moving yourself away from “I don’t feel like doing this” to “I don’t want this to stop.”). But they are only half the equation. For what good is asking yourself a question you don’t intend to answer?

So, when you ask, “How can I enhance the physical sensations I’m experiencing?” it is not a rhetorical question. Answer it. And follow up with action. If the answer is getting on top, get on top. Deciding on desire isn’t about making yourself feel desire, it’s about taking actions that lead to desire.

Resources

How To Raise Your Sex Drive Part 22

How To Keep Everything You Learned In Our Series From Falling Out Of Bed.

I see a bright, sexy future for you as we close out our series on raising your libido. Most men with low libido don’t suffer from physical conditions that prevent them from improving their sex lives.  That means you’re only a few reframes away from a love life that can make the air vibrate with passion.  That’s the good news.  

The bad news is that you’ve been so conditioned to expect instant results (“Lose ten pounds by the end of the week!”) that you might get discouraged by the pace of your progress.  Don’t be.  You can’t undo in a couple of weeks what took years to build.  If I had an instant teleportation machine that would deposit you at the end of your journey I’d give it to you, but I don’t, so we’re going to have to rely on taking a trip the old-fashioned way—by putting one foot in front of the other.

Obey Your Body

Men with low libido have a hard time staying present during love-making and focusing on the pleasures of their bodies.  It’s important for you to become more sensitive about what your body needs, provide it, and enjoy it.  A couple of important things to keep in mind: 

• Cultivating sensuality outside the bedroom is an important aspect of restoring your sex life because it trains your body to expect, appreciate, and flourish from stimulating its senses.  It will help you pay more attention to what you’re feeling than what you’re thinking—a crucial aspect of enjoying intimacy.  

 

• Cultivating sensuality means training yourself to ask three questions no matter where you are or what you’re doing:  How can I get more physical pleasure out of what I’m doing?  How can I make my body feel better?  How can I enhance the physical sensations I’m experiencing?

 

•   Low desire men experience a greater disconnect between the physical signs of arousal (rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, etc.) and a subjective experience of it (“I’m turned on”).  Forge a stronger connection by “charting your erotic cartography” and experimenting with different aspects of self-pleasuring.

Libidinal Lessons

• If you suffer from a bad body image, your loss of libido could be a subconscious coping strategy your mind uses to protect you from experiencing shame in the bedroom.  Settle the conflict between your conscious desire (“I want to be more sexual”) with your subconscious unwillingness (“But he’ll leave me if he sees my thighs or my belly”) by bringing it to awareness and understanding that sex will not destroy your relationship; it will make it whole.  

 

• Smoking and alcohol are libidinal poisons.  If you’re serious about re-engaging your sex life you must quit or cut back drastically.

 

• Desire is a decision.  You can’t decide to be aroused, but you can decide to do things that lead to arousal.  First, don’t wait for the mood to strike, strike into the mood—by creating an environment for arousal to flourish.  That means identifying your erotic cues (the smell of an after-shave, a husky voice) and consciously responding to them.  Don’t wait to be flooded with feelings.  Act on subtle effects and understated feelings.  Have ‘flicker stage’ sex and occasionally initiate even when you don’t feel like having sex.  Ask yourself the three questions you learned in cultivating sensuality:  “How can I get more physical pleasure out of what I’m doing?” “How can I make my body feel better?” “How can I enhance the physical sensations I’m experiencing?”

 

• Exercise is the single best way of raising your libido.  It increases blood flow which improves sensation, lubrication, arousal, and orgasm intensity.  Experiment with the 20/70 workout.  Exercise with your partner if possible—his sweat contains androstenedione, a compound lab researchers discovered can elevate hormones, create physiological arousal, and change the emotional mood.  

 

•   Develop erotic cues.  Porn is a proven way of elevating libidos and activating men’s arousal mechanisms, but it’s highly individual.  Find out what turns you on and buy, rent, or borrow the films that do it for you.  Do the same with erotic literature and photographic books.  Own your cues.

 

• Communicate what you like to your partner so that you look forward to sex.  Blaming him for not delivering what you never requested will make it easier for you to avoid intimacy or further lose your libido.  

Resources

How To Raise Your Sex Drive Part 21

This part of our series focuses on your partner, so we’re talking to HIM in this post; not you. Sorry, darling!

Kisses are the keys to his kingdom.  If you get that wrong it doesn’t matter what else you can do right because you probably won’t get the chance to do it.  Ask him to demonstrate what he considers a sexy kiss.  Be a good student–shut up and do what you’re told.  Kissing is so important to your ability to light up his libido that it’s worth going over a few points about good kissing:

• Be gentle.  Start slow and build to a crescendo. 

 

• Move your tongue smoothly.  Think swirl, not darts. 

 

• Vary the pace from passive to active, from slow to fast to back and forth, from dry to wet, to gentle and wild.

 

• Breathe through your nose.  It prolongs the kiss. 

 

• Create anticipation by going in for a kiss, stopping before your lips meet, holding the moment the way a pianist holds a chord, then resolving it gently.

 

• Close your eyes.  Nothing ruins the romance more than two giant beach balls staring at you.

 

• Make sounds.  Small, almost imperceptible sounds.   Communicate what you like and what you’re feeling through noises, not words.  A tiny rumble here, a soft moan there.

 

• Kiss your partner’s eyes. The heat of your lips on his eyelids will drive him crazy.  

 

• Let your desire show.  Look at your partner with a deep, rapacious, insatiable hunger.  The way oil company executives do when they see the Alaska wilderness.

Get Him Out Of His Head

It will be hard for him to refuse sex if you can consistently deliver orgasms that lift his house off the foundation.  But business-as-usual isn’t going to get him to the detonation.  Own the process of making it real for both of you.  Don’t wait for the cat to bark.  Take the lead.   Take control.  You can’t expect a man who’s been avoiding sex to lead the process.  Make sex an escape from his judgments rather than a reminder of them.

Exercise Together

A University California at Berkeley study provided the first direct evidence that male sweat sexually arouses women, so it’s logical it would work on gay men. This isn’t a license to smell so bad that he loses his short-term memory.  Make sure you’re reasonably clean.  The research on androstadienone is so compelling that you should…

Let Him Choose Your Colognes

Because of its pheromone-like properties, some cologne manufacturers use androstadienone as an additive.  Take your partner shopping and have him choose what he likes.  Make sure he tests it, as colognes smell differently when the chemicals interact with your skin.  And while you’re shopping pick up some high-quality chocolate.  It contains phenylethylamine, a neurotransmitter that activates the brain’s pleasure center, and caffeine, which can provide a much-needed surge of sexual energy.  

Clean Up Your Act So You Can Clean Up In The Bedroom

Knowledge and wisdom are two different things.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.  Now that you have knowledge of your partner’s situation, exercise it with wisdom.  Don’t contribute to the problem by making comments about his appearance or comparing him to other men.   Contribute to the solution by creating a safe space for his confidence to grow, showing agenda-free affection, and creating an appealing environment for sex.  

You can’t do any of this without taking the initiative, leading the process, and encouraging him to participate.   He wants you the way you want him to want you.   He just needs a little help in expressing it.  Be that help.

Resources

How To Raise Your Sex Drive Part 20

In our continuing series, we address what your partner can do to help your libido. So in this post, we are talking to HIM.

You’re showing agenda-free affection which has brought you physically closer.  You’ve created a shame-free environment by reeling in questionable comments and introducing some manners to your media and porn habits.  And with the intimacy-building exercises, you’ve created a deep sense of union and acceptance.   He will be far more receptive to sex than he ’s ever been.  Now follow through by…

Being His Idea Of A Good Lover, Not Yours

Now that we’ve laid the foundations for his libido to grow it’s time for you to seal the deal.  If you want sex, better sex, hell, any sex, then you’re going to have to find ways to light him up like an all-night liquor store.  

The first step is to pay attention to the environment and make sure you… 

Don’t Kill The Mood You’re Trying To Get Him Into

You can’t get him in the mood with toenail clippings on the nightstand or a pile of shelled pistachios littering the kitchen counter.  You can’t set a mood when your breath is so bad he can see the words float out of your mouth.  You can’t set a mood when he’s exhausted and he can see dirty dishes in the sink that you could have taken care of.  Exhaustion is one of the biggest reasons men decline sex. 

If you want more sex do more housework.

When men help around the house their sex lives almost immediately improve.  It isn’t just that the low libido partner has more energy for sex, it’s that their resentment at having to carry most of the burden melts away, releasing waves of respect and appreciation for their partners.  

Don’t let the vacuum cleaner cock-block you.  Roll it out of the closet so you can roll yourself into the bedroom.

Are You Helping Or Hurting?

  There’s a pretty simple way of determining whether you’re warming the path to sex or blocking it with boulders.  Look at yourself and your surroundings and ask, “Am I setting a mood or killing it?” 

Once you get your self-sabotaging handled, your homework is to find out what turns him on and get good at doing it.  If he’s read most of this book he should have done enough self-exploration that he can recite his sexual alphabet by memory.  Your job is to get him to communicate it to you.  You can help the process with…

The Foreplay Forum

Lay down in a naked embrace under the covers and take turns asking and answering the following questions:

 

“Nothing puts me in the mood more than when you….”  

“I get really turned on when you….” 

“I love it when you…”  

“One thing we haven’t done that I’d love to try is….”  

Foreplay Forums allow you to exchange sexual ideas in a judgment-free zone.  The goal is to create a relaxed setting that melts inhibitions, collects valuable data, and introduces a bit of playfulness.

Resources

How To Raise Your Sex Drive Part 19

The most loving thing you can do for your partner is to make him feel completely accepted, body and soul, without judgment or hesitation.  This will give him the confidence that crowds out apprehensions, leaving space for sexual desire to grow.  The most powerful way to do that is through a series of intimacy exercises that have the power to bring you together in strength, love, and unity.  

While these exercises are designed to strengthen the emotional connection with your partner, it may be difficult for one or both of you to sustain the required eye contact, especially when it’s done in silence.  For centuries, staring into somebody’s eyes was considered a trespass into their soul.  Read through these exercises and if you don’t feel comfortable doing them, don’t.  In fact, you have to be very comfortable with them because you have to lead the process. 

The rewards, however, are substantial–a completely new, deeper experience of each other as lovers.  These exercises are all different forms of saying “I truly love and accept you exactly as you are.”  You don’t have to do all of them.  

Pick the ones you feel most comfortable with and follow the instructions.  Don’t treat the exercises as a prelude to sex.  Be sure to talk to each other about what you experienced.  If sex feels like a natural next-step then take it, but only if he initiates it.  

The Belly Button Balance

Naked, lie side-by-side but in opposite directions (head to feet as opposed to head to head if you were sleeping).  Put your right hand on each other’s bellies, feeling your abdomens rise and fall as you breathe.  After a while your breathing patterns will naturally coordinate, furthering the sense of oneness.  Most couples report a strong sense of being ‘aligned’ with each other.  Do this for about five minutes.   

The Heart Heater

Sit naked with your legs wrapped around each other’s waist.  Stare into each other’s eyes and breathe in unison.  Put your right hand on each other’s hearts and stay there for a few minutes.  The three points of contact (legs, hands, heart) deepen a sense of unity and connection.

The Observatory

Get naked and sit cross-legged, face to face with your partner.  Knees touching.  Your hands are resting on his knees, palm up.   He puts his hands on yours, palms down.  

Now,  look into each other’s eyes.  In the first part of this exercise, he receives your gaze while you bestow it.  Note the color, the size of the pupil, and other features.  You’ll notice a lot of judgments come up (good and bad).  Make mental notes but don’t break the silence or the eye contact.  

Now take a break and cover your eyes with your hands for about a minute.  Then place your hands in the same position as before and stare into each other’s eyes.  But this time reverse roles.  Receive his gaze.  Let yourself be looked at.  It’s a completely different feeling because you’re allowing him into you just as he’s allowing you into him.  

As the observer becomes the observed it might feel like you don’t know where you begin and he ends.  That’s the point—to experience unity.  It’s not unusual at this point for people to cry as they notice how many barriers they’ve put up against the partner they love.  

As those barriers evaporate (remember, you must keep at this in silence for a few minutes) you’ll feel vulnerable, exposed, and fragile.  And as you realize that you can be all of those things safely in front of your partner, your emotional closeness grows.

The Star-Crossing

Get naked.  Hmmm.  Why does all my advice start with the words “Get Naked?”  Gotta talk to my shrink about that.  Anyway, lie down on a rug and spread your arms wide.  Your legs should be about shoulder-width apart.  Your lover stands over your crotch, sits his butt down on the ground between your legs, and mashes his butt cheeks against your crotch.   

He then lays back and spreads his arms out next to your feet.   He puts his hands on your feet and keeps them there.   He spreads his legs over yours so that his feet are next to your hands.  Hold his feet.  If you could see it from above it looks like you’ve formed a star.  

Notice the position.  Your genitals are facing his but not touching.  The space between them carries a very interesting vibe.  You’re sexually vulnerable but emotionally connected (symbolized by the touching of each other’s feet).

The exercise brings up different feelings depending on whether your legs are over or under your lover (make sure to take turns).  Either way, the point is to experience vulnerability and support simultaneously.  

 Fingertip Trespasso

Sit across from each other, naked, with knees touching.  Raise both your hands, with only the smallest part of your fingertips touching (your right hand to his left, your left to him right).  Then stare into each other’s eyes without saying a word.  Concentrate on your partner’s left eye as it seems to heighten the experience.  

Harmonious Breathing

Naked, sit facing each other with legs wrapped around each other’s waists.  Look in each other’s eyes.  Inhale in unison.  Breathe at the same tempo, same time, same space.  Breath and vision can create a union.  Look deeply into the left eye of your partner.  Then change to the right eye.  Now change the breathing pattern.  You exhale while your partner inhales.  After a couple of minutes reverse.   He inhales while you exhale.  Now breathe in unison.  Put your right hand on his heart.   He does the same.  Feel each other’s heartbeat. 

Resources

How To Increase Your Sex Drive Part 18

Have you ever teased your partner about his appearance?  Or made veiled comments about his weight?  Or visibly noticed other men in front of him?  That’s proof that God gave you a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time. 

Any comparisons to other men or comments that hint at dissatisfaction with his body will make your chances in the bedroom fall faster than a six-pack through a beer bong.  Your job is to make sure that never happens.  Here’s how:

*  Don’t make jokes about your partner’s appearance  

This is a hard one for men because teasing has a central place in the way they communicate.  It’s the driving force of male personalities and the way they show camaraderie.  You can’t do that with your partners.   Not about their appearance, anyway.  Once, a friend came out wearing some new clothes he had just bought.   He asked his husband the mother of all relationship-busting questions:  “Do these jeans make me look fat?”  His husband taught me something valuable that day—that there’s a worse answer than yes.  It’s, “Let me back up so I can take the whole thing in before I answer.”  He slept on the couch so long the fabric still has the imprint of his face.

 *  Don’t look at magazines featuring gorgeous men and then hit on your partner 

My friend Jeff did it once.  Here’s how his partner reacted:  “There is no way you’re laying your hands on me after you’ve looked at all those beautiful men.   You’re not going to use my body to fulfill your porn fantasies!”  The only action he got that night was the on/off switch on the cable box.

*  Don’t ask him to do things that invite self-consciousness 

This is not the time to switch the stadium lights on and ask him to strip.   The same goes for asking him to model swimwear or doing a modified pole dance.  It will ignite his appearance anxiety like a propane torch.  This is disappointing, of course, because watching a man disrobe is a huge turn-on for gay men, but think of it as a postponement rather than a cancellation.  Eventually, he will have the confidence to do all these things, just not right now. 

* Don’t pay attention to beautiful men in front of your partner

Shut up and look away.  Otherwise, it’s like telling your partner you wished he was prettier, taller, and thinner. How’d you like it if he elbowed you while you were watching porn and said, “Now that’s a cock!” 

* Don’t use the wrong porn as an arousal technique

Watching porn together can be an exciting way to spice things up, but the porn you like is probably going to do more harm than good.  He’s going to compare himself to the men on the screen and feel bad about himself.  Worse,  he’ll think you put the porn on because you’re dissatisfied with his body and want to see somebody else’s.  Instead, let him pick the porn videos.  That’ll ensure a smooth ride for everyone.

*  Be specific in your compliments

Saying “I like your legs” is good.  Saying, “I love the way your legs look in those shorts” is better.  Saying, “It’s hard to concentrate at work because I can’t stop thinking about how your legs looked in those black shorts” is best.

*  Show Him How You Feel About His Body

If there’s something you like about his body, don’t just tell him, show him.  If his legs drive you crazy, tell him while you massage them.  A touch is more powerful than a verb.  A stroke is stronger than an adjective.  Compliments have limited effects on body-conscious men because they rarely penetrate the wall of negative judgments.  Touch operates on a deeper level because the body can override entrenched thoughts.  A pleasurable sensation has more power than a negative thought. 

Resources

How To Increase Your Sex Drive Part 17

 It’s hard for some gay men to grasp the idea of affection’s intrinsic value.  To most, touching and kissing is like riding a train–you get on it because you want to go somewhere, not because the seats are comfortable.  It’s not some evil plot men hatched against men, it’s just the way men are wired:

Touch + Kiss + Hot Man= Erection.  

But some men operate under a different kind of math:

Touch + Kiss + Hot Man= Fulfillment Which Might Or Might Not Lead To Sex.  

This fulfillment creates a variety of emotional states–feeling valued, appreciated, loved, desirable, essential, protected, important, safe, and taken care of.  Those feelings are intrinsically valuable in and of themselves.  

While some men need to feel loved and appreciated to have sex, they resent it when you presume that every show of affection has a sexual agenda attached to it.

When Your Touch Is Suspect

When a peck on the cheek turns into a tongue in the tonsils, when every hug turns into a grasp of the buttocks, when every massage turns into an eleven-finger rub-down, it doesn’t take long before a partner becomes suspicious of every gesture of affection.   

Now, every time you sit close to him when you’re watching tv he’ll scooch away.  When you give him a kiss on the lips,  he’ll give you his cheek.  When you put your arm around him he’ll brush it off.

By making affection inseparable from sex you guarantee a steady stream of rejection.   He feels pressured and harassed and you retreat into anger, resentment, and despondency.  

 I love taking walks through a beautiful park across the street from where I live.  I also love tennis.  The only way I can get to the tennis courts is to walk through this beautiful park.  But just because I enjoy walking in the park doesn’t mean I necessarily want to go to the tennis courts.  

Affection, like walking in the park, is its own reward, and its allure is sometimes ruined if it always leads to the tennis courts.  If your partner retreats from you every time you go in for a kiss or a hug it’s a sure bet you’ve dragged him through the park to get to the tennis courts when he was just hoping to get a little fresh air.  

The Art Of Agenda-Free Affection

 Kiss him and walk away.  Put your arm around his shoulders and keep them there.  Hug him without going past his belt buckle.  Don’t grind your hips when you hold him.  Show agenda-free affection.  

Do it for a week and you’re going to be amazed at the change in him–and in you.  There will be no wiggling away, no turning of his cheek, no flipping your arm off his shoulder.  

The sexual stalemate will recede because, without the pressure for sex, he can stop being on guard and enjoy your touch. This is important to you on a number of fronts.  It reduces some of the skin hunger that drives sexual desire, leaving you feeling a little calmer, loved, and desired.  

More importantly, it doesn’t just make him more willing to have sex; over time it makes him look forward to it.  There’s an important distinction between willing and wanting.  Would you rather he have sex with you out of obligation or out of desire?  

I’m pretty sure you don’t want him to ‘give in’ to sex, or count the ceiling tiles as you do your best work.  You want him to want you.  You want him to respond to you in a way that makes you feel like a man– longed for, lusted after, and loved anew. 

Once you practice affection for the sake of affection, your next step is to create a safe space for his body confidence to grow.  This is a topic for next week.  Stay tuned.

Resources

How To Increase Your Sex Drive Part 16

You may be the one smoking with hurt but if you have a partner he’s breathing it in.  Second-hand suffering is hazardous to his health.  He’s feeling rejected, hungering for your touch, and having his opinions dismissed.

You have shared custody of sexual challenges.  You may own the issue but he’s making a lot of the payments.  He’s got a vested interest in helping free you raise your libido and my guess is that he’d be more than willing to do whatever he can.  So hand him this chapter.  He’ll get a better understanding of what you’re going through and find out ways he can help.

Okay, Mr. Lover, has he given you the book?  Good.  Read it when he isn’t around.  Otherwise, he’ll have one eye on what he ’s doing and one eye on your reactions.  And really, that’s not an attractive look.  

What About Me?

You’re hurt, angry, and rejected.  What’s especially galling is that nothing on your end has changed.  You’re still the same guy he was attracted to when you first met.  You haven’t let yourself go, you’re reasonably attentive to him, and other areas of your relationship are in a decent state.  In some cases, sex was problematic from the start.  In others, it was fine, maybe even great, but then things went south.  What happened?  

You start feeling isolated.  You wonder how he can sleep so peacefully when you lie there looking at him with so much longing.  You resent that he controls the sexual relationship.  The sex seems so infrequent and meager you feel like he ’s doling it out as if he has to make it last until the end of the month.

Thoughts flash through your mind:  He no longer finds you attractive, he doesn’t love you, you don’t sexually satisfy him, he’s cheating on you.  Sometimes he dismisses your needs as pure horniness as if all you wanted was a release and didn’t care how you got it.  

 He doesn’t understand that the only way you feel really connected is when you’re touching, holding, and making love.  That it makes you feel like a man, a man who knows how to take care of his man.   

Role of Sex

He doesn’t understand that sex–his touch, his warmth, your union with him– is the way you express and receive love.  That when sex goes, it’s not like a cookie got taken away, it’s like the foundation of your love cracked.  

Up to now, you’ve probably been kept in the dark about why sex dried up like a peach in the back of the fridge.  Men don’t exactly announce their anxieties (“Honey, I’m going to avoid sex, and if you guilt me into it I’m going to shut the lights, wear camouflage clothing, pretend that I like it, hope it goes by quickly and emotionally detach from it because I don’t really feel up to it”).  

So let’s get this out of the way:  It isn’t your fault.   You are not the cause of the problem but that doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to the solution.  There are some subtle and not-so-subtle things you can do to raise his libido and have the kind of sex that will take your relationship to the next level.  

Next week: The first step is learning the art of Affection For Affection’s Sake.

Resources

How To Increase Your Sex Drive Part 15

Neuroscientists at the University of California at Berkeley recently made a breakthrough discovery:  Sniffing a compound of male sweat called androstadienone causes hormonal, physiological, and psychological changes in women that result in sexual arousal.  

Sweat has been the main focus of research on human pheromones.  For example, we’ve known for years that male underarm sweat improves women’s moods and affects their secretion of luteinizing hormone, which helps stimulate ovulation.  Androstadienone is a derivative of testosterone that is found in all body secretions but it has especially high concentrations in male sweat.

Trial by Sniffs

In the most recent trials, women were asked to take 20 sniffs from a bottle containing androstadienone.  Don’t worry, they didn’t gag.  It smelled vaguely of musk.  When compared to sniffing a control odor (yeast), the women who sniffed androstadienone reported significantly higher sexual arousal.  

Researchers also noted an increased physiological response, including blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing.  These results were consistent with previous studies but they also discovered a tantalizing new development–androstadienone has the power to elevate hormone levels.  In this case, cortisol, which is associated with alertness and stress.  In fact, it remained elevated for a full hour after the sniff test.

 So what does all this mean for you?  The treatment applications for this discovery are unclear, but clearly, it will not hurt for you to work out with your partner and be conscious of sniffing his armpits (I suggest you do it when nobody’s watching).  

Don’t sniff when the smell is so bad it could peel the skin off a battleship.  Do it when it smells good.  Sweat is naturally odorless.  It only begins to smell when bacteria that live on the skin digest sweat and excrete waste.  That’s why sweat smells clean in the beginning and slowly turns into mustard gas.  

By the way, he doesn’t have to sweat enough to water a lawn; even a dab will do.  Be sure to sniff his armpits when you’re making out, having foreplay, or making love.  The research is solid and beyond question:  Androstadienone changes mood and increases both sexual arousal (blood flow) and physiological arousal (blood pressure, heartbeat).  

This doesn’t mean taking a few sniffs of his pits will make your ankles float to the ceiling.  They won’t make you yell, “Take me like a vitamin!!”  The effects are far more subtle.  What it does mean is that you have one more proven way to arouse yourself and that in combination with everything else we’ve talked about, you will increase your libido. 

Time To Decide

Over time, body-consciousness can flatten desire like a recycled can.  When sex becomes a reminder of your perceived deficits, your subconscious often lowers your libido to avoid the source of shame. 

Body anxiety can also lower your ability to experience pleasurable sensations.  Disruptive thoughts can put an oven mitt over nerve receptors, decreasing your ability to fully experience sensations or even recognize erotic cues.  

Psychological, physiological, and contextual factors work in concert to create a desire for sex.  It isn’t one technique or the other that spells success.  And it certainly isn’t one at the expense of the other, either.  

Increased blood flow to the genitals will help but not if you’re stressed, fatigued, or distracted.  At the same time, being relaxed, focused and willing won’t work without enough blood flow.  There are few black and white answers to sexual arousal but there are lots of colorful contributions.  

Exercise is at the head of the list because it accelerates arousal (in the presence of erotic stimuli), maintains it through resolution, and builds capacity for it in the future. 

 Raising your libido can seem like raising the Titanic–an exciting proposition undermined by a lack of manpower, knowledge, and equipment.  

But decisions led the search party to find the Titanic and the right decisions will raise it off the seafloor.  It’s the same with your sunken libido.  Decisions will raise it.  By deciding to strike into the mood instead of waiting for the mood to strike, by deciding to capitalize on a spark with ‘flicker stage’ sex, by deciding to exercise, by deciding to initiate sex, by deciding to use sexual cues, by deciding to ask yourself questions like, “How can I make this more physically arousing for me” during love-making, you will discover just how much power you have to create a sex life worthy of your relationship.

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