General

 

That’s what I asked the studio audience on the set of the Greg Behrendt Show.  I thought they were going to lynch me.  Take a look at the awkward moment:

 

“Why are you clapping just because she’s a virgin?”

 

There’s a lot to be said about the gender double standard (if it had been a guy proclaiming his virginity, the audience would have snickered), but if you think I’m going there, I’m not.  If you’re disappointed, go here instead.  (A funny, insightful rant).

 

Here’s my point: If you’re going to treat sex as a spectator sport, shouldn’t you clap for the ones who know how to play it?

Love, in all it’s haunting subversity:

 

It’s from Post Secret. There is no other website that stops me dead in my tracks.  And I’ve got a lot of rail in me.

A friend said, “Chelsea Handler is the new Kathy Griffin.”

Not quite.  The difference is the jeans in their genes.  Griffin’s comedy is catty; Handler’s is muscular.  Griffin’s alter ego would be a drag queen; Handler’s would be a construction worker.  Chelsea Handler isn’t the new Kathy Griffin; she’s the new Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay.  Only prettier, funnier and more acceptable.

She ain’t a chick with a dick but if she were, she’d be hung like a rhino.

Watch Chelsea sexually harass her staff:

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Sometimes I wonder if my feelings about women would be any different if I were straight.

Would I really think they couldn’t run a Fortune 100 company because they weren’t bright enough?  Would I really think they shouldn’t be on a battlefield because they’re not tough enough?  Would I be part of an old boy’s network that would keep them out?

A long time ago, Roseann Barr told lesbians in her audience,

“What do you know about hating men?  You don’t have to fuck them!”

Is that the missing piece to understanding misogyny?  Sexual attraction?  Does sexual tension create that love/hate ping-pong?   If I wanted women the way I want men would my opinions of them change?

I doubt it.  If sexual tension was necessary to create opposite feelings about the object of your desire, then why isn’t it a phenomenon in gay circles?  Few could say there’s a woman-hating fog in lesbian life or a serious man-bashing theme in gay life.

Whatever the answer is I often think about how I’d treat women if I were straight.  Would my attitudes change?  I doubt it.  I think I’d just be a pro-woman horn-dog.  You know, the feminist in the tittie-bar.

Check out NBC’s “Ab Fab: Guess the swimmer” game, where you can see torsos of Olympic swimmers and match them to the right face.  Funny, there’s no female version of it.  NBC wouldn’t dare. Showing headless bodies of beautiful women would make, well, heads roll. 

http://www.nbcolympics.com/swimming/photos/galleryid=156776.html

 

Is it a double-standard?  Why is it okay to chop up men’s bodies for women to look at but not the other way around?

 

Well, for one, men LIKE to be objectified.  We WANT to be seen as sexual objects, we want —OH GOD *YES*– to be used for base, endless sexual purposes.  But more importantly, we’re not going to suffer the consequences of objectification, since we pretty much own everything and run most of it.  If women truly shared power with men, objectifying them wouldn’t be objectionable.  But they don’t, so it is.  

 

Using the headless bodies of men works in NBC’s “Ab Fab” game because it adds a welcome recreational layer to our power and self-esteem.  If they used women’s headless bodies all they’d do is perpetuate the widespread perception that a woman’s worth starts from the neck down.  

 

Let us all keep our heads about us and leer with respect.

The Three Stages of Clay Aiken:

1. Teen Girl Crush

2. Desperate Closet Case   

 

3. Loving Dad?

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Clay Aiken got his gal pal producer pregnant. Jewelry may have been involved but a pearl necklace was not.

I’ve always dismissed “Gay” Aiken as a lightweight. His singing made me long for a shot of insulin.  His flaming gay denials made me long for a can of lighter fluid.

But his pending fatherhood changed all that. He could have faked a girlfriend to throw people off his scent. He could have gotten married to cover his tracks. He could have gotten his “wife” pregnant to make the hounds go away.

But he didn’t.  Instead, he artificially inseminated a woman who wasn’t his girlfriend or wife and got two for the price of one:  He came out without any speeches and lived out a dream without living through a nightmare.

Good for him.  I still don’t like what he’s done to music but I love what he’s done to his character.  You can just tell he’s going to be a great parent.  Anybody who goes through the hellish machinations of IVF to bring a child into the world is doing it because they want to devote their lives to something bigger than themselves.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

It’s the one where you lay on your back, put your arms above your head…

…and let your partner do all the work.

Sorry for the jab, Michael– not really talking about you, but people like you. Beautiful people with beautiful bodies. And what they’re like in bed. Anybody lucky enough to bag somebody way out of their league knows what I’m getting at:

Gorgeous guys make lousy lays.

They’re like restaurants in great locations–they don’t have to give good eats or good service because they don’t have to–the line’s out the door. Every session with a gorgeous guy is a three-way—you, him, and his ego. One girlfriend told me she went home with guy so high up in the beauty chart she got nose bleeds just looking at him. But he sucked in the sack. “I might as well have masturbated to his picture, for all the attention he gave to me,” she said.

You’d think Boys Burdened with Beauty would be great in bed just from the sheer volume of sex they have. But practice doesn’t make perfect if all you’re practicing is being adored. Or serviced. In my own experience of bagging the burdened, I could sense the expectation of the status imbalance:  Since I was at the bottom of the pecking order I was to do all the pecking.

There’s one exception: Guys who grew into their beauty–the fatties and nerds who bloomed later in life. They experienced the sting of rejection, the pain of being sexually invisible. And through their suffering they learned an open secret about great sex: Giving pleasure is often hotter than taking it.

The three biggest Democratic sex scandals:

1.

2.

3.

The three biggest Republican sex scandals:

1.

2.

3.

FEMA is the Republicans’ only hope for shelter, cuz like, it’s raining men.

This is what John Edwards said about Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky saga:

I think this President has shown a remarkable disrespect for his office, for the moral dimensions of leadership, for his friends, for his wife, for his precious daughter. It is breathtaking to me the level to which that disrespect has risen.

Can you imagine Clinton’s “I feel your pain” consolation phone call to Edwards?

“Hello Pot? This is Kettle. You’re Black!”