General

 

 

That’s what film maker Cindy Abel, said in our debate about the twisted Warren/Robinson prayer pretzel. Here’s the rest of our kitchen table coffee clash:

 

 

 

 

Cindy: Eugene Robinson is a crumb thrown from the master’s table to those of us living on the edge of legal starvation. Are we supposed to be grateful that Obama picked a gay bishop without civil rights to pray at an obscure ceremony while the chief opponent of those rights gets to lead the invocation?

Mike: Obama promised CHANGE and he’s delivering it.

Cindy: Giving a platform to an opponent of equality is not a change. We’ve had that for eight years.

Mike: It IS a change. Would George Bush have chosen Gene Robinson for ANYTHING, even as a crumb? Think about this: An openly gay bishop is going to kick off a presidential inauguration. That’s HISTORIC change. Look at all the good that’s come out of this. Mainstream America has heard more gay voices and seen more gay faces–it’s harder to demonize the humanized.

Cindy: Well, of course good can come from bad, but why does something bad have to be committed in the first place?

Mike: Because unfortunately that’s how progress is made. A Matthew Sheppard had to die to get people to see our humanity. A Harvey Milk had to die to accelerate a movement.

Cindy: That’s partially true, but completely wrong, morally.

Me: If Nelson Mandela could get people who killed each other’s families in the same room, Obama can get people who disagree on gay human rights to say the same prayer. I’m not discounting your hurt or your point of view, all I’m saying is that the pain is necessary if we’re going to live in peace.

Cindy: I think it’s good to have different points of view expressed in a forum of dialogue. But a ceremony, in which there is no discourse, only statement, is not the place. If Warren used the Bible to argue against Jews or Muslims having the same rights as Christians, would Obama have given him this honor? Would the Martin Luther King Center?

Me: No…

Cindy: So there you have it. Obama does not give gay people the same respect as other groups. That’s the kick in the gut.

Me: I don’t disagree. But you think we’re living in 2009, when from a civil rights standpoint, we’re probably somewhere in the late 1960’s. George Wallace was not considered a racist by the mainstream then and Rick Warren’s not considered a homophobe now. I’d rather make friends with him–meet him where he is and move him towards our humanity–than to stay with the politics of polarization. Now be a dear and pass me the half-and-half.

Cindy Abel is a film maker and board member of Victory Fund (a PAC that works to elect openly gay candidates to public office)

Contrary to what many believe, Bill Clinton will not be remembered for his “bimbo eruptions,” his impeachment, his balanced budget, or the fact that he presided over the most prosperous economic expansion in generations.

Instead, history will see Clinton as one of the great and accomplished civil rights heroes.  In fact, historians will compare Clinton to two of America’s most treasured civil rights legends:  Martin Luther King Jr. and President Harry S. Truman.  What these three men accomplished is astonishingly similar.  It is only the minorities they championed that set them apart.

In 1963, King said to a mostly black audience “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed” and he broke open the consciousness of white America.

In 1992, Clinton said to a mostly gay audience, “I have a vision for America and you are a part of it,” and he broke open the consciousness of straight America.

Both men used soaring oratory to broaden the idea of rights to include a despised minority.  One urged us not to judge people by the color of their skin, the other not to judge people by the partners in their lives.  Both created homesteads in the hostile outer fringes of America’s consciousness, settling the land and tilling the soil for future residents.

Each enraged much of America by holding up our stated ideals with one hand and a mirror with the other.

Of course, William Jefferson Clinton was no Martin Luther King.  Clinton was the head of government; King was the victim of it.  King championed a minority from a position of weakness, Clinton from a position of strength.  King had no power, just a constituency.  Clinton had both.  These men had nothing in common except a profound belief in America’s capacity to grow into further greatness.

Clinton is more like President Truman in his tangible accomplishments. In 1948, Truman did the unthinkable:  Over the strenuous objections of General Dwight D. Eisenhower, he signed an executive order desegregating the armed forces.

In 1993, Clinton did the unthinkable:  Over the strenuous objections of General Colin L. Powell, he promised to sign an executive order lifting the ban on gays in the military.

While Clinton failed where Truman succeeded, historians will ultimately credit him for making the lifting of the ban possible.  In fact, it is precisely because “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” so perfectly captures the cruelty and unfairness of the military’s treatment of gay recruits that the ban will eventually be lifted.

Clinton’s similarities to Truman are remarkable.  Truman appointed the first black judge to the federal bench; Clinton appointed the first openly gay woman to the federal bench.

Truman was the first president to appoint blacks to high-ranking administrative posts; Clinton was the first president to appoint openly gay people to high-ranking administrative posts.  According to Clinton, over 200 openly gay people served in his administration.

Truman signed an executive order barring discriminatory hiring practices in the federal government; Clinton signed an executive order expanding it to include sexual orientation.

Truman established a Fair Employment Board within the Civil Rights Commission; Clinton endorsed the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, the first gay civil rights bill ever championed by a U.S. president.

And in what historians now agree was an act of great symbolic importance; Truman was the first sitting president to address a black civil rights group (The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People).  Clinton was the first sitting president to address a gay civil rights group (The Human Rights Campaign).

Both presidents legitimized minorities to the Republican Party. Republicans now routinely address and court the black vote.  And in an astonishing turn-around for a conservative party, George W. Bush, in 2002, became the first Republican presidential nominee to publicly meet with a gay group.  Truman and Clinton paved the way for politicians in both parties to embrace groups they once pushed away.

Historians do not see civil rights as a Clinton legacy for the same reason historians didn’t see it for Truman when he left office in 1952:  Because to much of America, the minorities in question didn’t matter.

As the American consciousness evolved to see African-Americans as fully human, so too did the consensus of historians that Truman’s civil rights work was one of his greatest legacies.

Similarly, as the American consciousness evolves to see gay men and women as equally human, historians will see Clinton as one of the late 20th century’s greatest human rights crusaders.

The real Clinton legacy isn’t how he reformed welfare or reshaped the Democratic Party.  It’s how he reshaped the American conscience.  Like King and Truman, Clinton will come to symbolize the American ideal of justice and equality.

Broadway star Harvey Fierstein once asked if a gay play was a play that slept with other plays.  Is Durex asking the same in its hilarious new TV ad? Take a look.   It isn’t till you get toward the end of it that you realize, “hey, wait a minute, only two guys can do that!”  

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Drag (draäg) n.   1.  When a man wears what a lesbian won’t

When I heard that Lady Bunny hopped away from New York City to star in the return of one of Atlanta’s longest running plays, Veranda, I assumed the playwrights added a new role to accomodate the big-wigged, potty-mouthed, foundation-caked boy-broad who prowls the stage looking for somebody to insult.  Imagine my surprise when they cast her as the Southern Baptist preacher’s wife.

Yes, the She-Man who came up with one of the funniest, crudest Martha Stewart jokes* EVER, is going to play a soft-spoken spouse of an anti-gay marriage preacher.  In drag.  

I can’t even type that out without chuckling.  Living in Atlanta, I’ve seen the play many times.  It’s hilarious enough without her–I can’t even imagine what it is with her.  I smell a national tour.  Here’s Bunny talking about her new role:

 
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*  “How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?  F**K her in the ass and wipe it off on her curtains.”[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

 

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for clearer video click here

The real story about Harry’s latest dust-up isn’t that he’s got the sensitivity of a brick; it’s that his carpet matches his drapes.

 

No, really. Towards the end of his funny but controversial video, he pretends he’s in charge of his platoon, barks orders and asks if anybody’s got questions. A cadet asks,

“Are your pubes ginger, too?”

To which his royal dudeness replied: “Yes, they are.” Now, I don’t know about you, but if this is the original release, I can’t wait for the sequel. It’ll be slow in coming, though, because Harry’s getting the freckles lynched off his face for some of the things he filmed himself saying. Still, give the guy his due—he’s hilarious.

Take his send up of his grandmother. You know, the woman Cate Blanchett played a few years ago. In the video, Harry pretends he’s on the phone with The Queen and ends the conversation with, “God save you.”

Now, THAT’S funny. Here’s exactly what he said: “Send my love to the corgis. I’ve got to go, got to go, bye. God Save You.”

I’m sorry, but John Stewart on his best day…

So, what are we to do with a risqué home video that inadvertently went public? It’s not like he posted it on MySpace. Somebody stole it. Do we have the right to judge it if we weren’t meant to see it?

Either way, Harry’s video proves he’s more court jester than royal racist. Take a look at the context of the two most objectionable things he said:

 

1) Calling a fellow soldier a “paki.” Context: Harry panned his camera over an airport waiting lounge where many of the British troops were lying on the floor sleeping or resting. He was making fun of the whole scene when the camera settled briefly on a soldier with Middle Eastern features. This is what Harry said: ‘Ah, our little Paki friend…Ahmed.”

2) Calling another fellow soldier a “raghead.”  Context: Harry’s filming an apparently white soldier who seems to lift the back of his shirt to hide his face, creating a sort of turban effect. Harry says, “F*** me, you look like a raghead!”

 

Insensitive? Yes. Racist? Hmm. As a gay, South American Jew, I know what it feels like to be the target of offensive insults. I’m considered one-stop-shopping by discerning bigots. If Harry had directed his slurs at any of my tribes, I’d be pissed off too. But I’d also appreciate the context. Sensitivity toward ethnic groups is usually the first thing to go when you’re getting shot at by some of its members.

If an average-joe soldier filmed that video, nobody would blink an eye. We’d pass it off for what it was—blowing off steam. But of course, we can’t because of the film’s principal players (one assumes the star slept with the director to get the part). This is DIANA’S SON, after all, the third in line to the throne. He insulted millions of British citizens who are of Middle Eastern descent. Yo, King-in-waiting, you can’t do that. Never mind bad governance, it’s bad comedy. Attack people at your station in life or above—like you did with grandma—and you’ll get lots of laughs. Attack those below your station and you’ll get lots of grief.

There’s no debating that Harry was wrong in using slurs. I’m just saying watch the video all the way through or you’ll miss the best parts.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

 

pictures courtesy Milla

Hit play to hear the video’s soundtrack:

 

A friend once described his sexual appetites this way:  “A hungry junkyard dog is more fun than a poodle.”  He’s going to be one happy puppy after he reads my five predictions for sex in 2009:

1.  You’re going to have a lot more of it.  The recession that hit your pocket will tickle your crotch.  Call it Recession Sex.  If you’re coupled, you’re going to spend more time at home and at some point that TV’s gotta be turned off.  The nesting impulse will increase your resting pulse.  That’s the good news.  The bad?  As discretionary income goes down, indiscretions go up.  Oops.  If you’re single, you’ll have the time but not the money to fritter away at bars.  You won’t wait for the last-call yard sale so you’ll probably lower the bar to increase your odds. 

2.  You’re going to see a lot more of it.

Larry Flynt once said, “There are two kinds of people who oppose porn. Those who don’t know what they’re talking about and those who don’t know what they’re missing.”   Well, ain’t nobody missing it anymore.  It’s everywhere.  The mainstreaming of porn in art, fashion, and media is turning adult videos into a sort of Zen koan:  No matter where you go, there it is. 

 

3.  You’re going to be paying a lot less for it.

Nobody’s going to put call girls in a higher tax bracket this year.  With a tanking economy, streetwalkers, pole dancers and gold diggers alike are going to have to give it up for less.  So are the online dating sites, as they compete with free sites like Plentyoffish.com, Okcupid.com, and DateHookUp.com.  It’s like they’ve been working a corner for years and now some hussy’s going to do the job for free.  Oh, my. 

 

You might blow a lot of things up for porn but it won’t be your budget.  You don’t have to buy it anymore.  Hell, you don’t even have to rent it.  You just have to point your browser to free sites like Youporn.com and xtube.com, where amateurs and pros upload unstoppable watchables.  Offline piracy, illegal downloads and free video sharing sites are going to make dinosaurs out of adult video studios.  If they don’t figure out how to compete with “FREE” soon, their last movie is gonna be about their profits–Gone With The Girdle. 

 

4.  You’re going to be doing it with things that are smarter than you. 

Safe sex is not a padded headboard, but it is programmable.  Take the SaSi vibrator.  It’s a sort of iTunes dildo—it remembers your favorite vibrations so you can play them later.  Make it go left, right and a little to the side and it’ll ‘record’ the vibrational combinations, releasing you from, well, all that hard work.   

 

5.  You’re going to see videos of strangers before you do it with them. 

Online dating sites have already introduced relevant searching methods, instant messaging, and mobile phone access to pictures and profiles.  What’s next?  Videos.  They’ll get rid of flakes that use fake pictures, serving as a kind of Venus Lie Trap.   Watch AOL’s beta test of love.com, the first to bundle Instant Messenger, audio and video into a traditional dating site. 

 

My bottom line prediction for sex in 2009:  The No Pants Dance craze will sweep the nation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

 

Your Ticket to a Boyfriend?

 

A recent letter:  

Now that we’re into the New Year I can chalk up six straight years of tricking when I would rather have had six straight years of wedded bliss.  I just got my MBA so I even tried using a business approach to getting a boyfriend, complete with an overall marketing, advertising and public relations plan.  I swear, if my love life was a home loan it would’ve gone into forclosure.  Do you have any suggestions to make 2009 the year I break the curse and break in a boyfriend?

—  Hoping for hope 

 

Dear Hoping:

You can’t use corporate tactics to improve your bottom’s line.  Here’s why:  Because business strategies focus on objective, external circumstances rather than subjective, internal attitudes.  And it’s your attitude, not your strategy that will get you laid.  I mean, married.  Well, both.  Rather than using the strategies of successful businesses you’re better off using the characteristics of successful businessmen. 

 You want a wedding band?  Then pay attention to these Do’s & Don’ts (business style so you MBAs will feel at home):

 

Do:  Realize it takes an average of seven contacts to make the sale (translation:  Patience.  You have to plant seeds before harvesting).

Don’t:  Put a bumper sticker in your car that says, “I’m Dating Your Husband.”

 

Do:  Detach yourself from the outcome.  Business plans never say, “You’re sense of identity rests on making the sale.”

Don’t:  Wear a T-shirt with “Apartment Manager” in the front and “Unit Available” in the back.

 

Do:  Act like a business and surround yourself with teams and support.  No businessman succeeds without help from others.  Same in love.  Always go out with friends.  They offer support and a good laugh.  And smiling is a scientifically proven way of attracting people to you. 

Don’t:  Approach a guy in the bar and say, “Would you like a drink or do you just want the money?”

 

Do:  Open up new markets.  Hang out in places where relationships have a higher chance of developing.  If you’re used to clubbing, go to laid-back clubs, if you don’t play sports, start and join one of the gay clubs (the good thing about gay sports is that you’re expected to suck).

Don’t:  Tell people that your favorite song is Peaches’, “Fuck the Pain Away.”

 

Do:  Be disciplined.  Many businesses succeed simply because they never gave up.  They kept at it.  So if you join a volleyball team, go to the practices even if you don’t feel like it.  Persevere.

Don’t:  Be an ass if someone rejects you. After spending hours in a bar buying drinks for some hottie who eventually turned him down, a friend yelled, “.”  Nice.

 

Do:  Sacrifice.  All successful businesses give up short-term profits for long-term goals.  You can’t stay out till 6am whacked out on Tina, screw everything with a pulse and expect to find a boyfriend the next morning at church. 

Getting yourself a boyfriend isn’t a matter of asking yourself “What business tactics should I use?”  It’s asking, “Am I willing to change my life to achieve my goal?”  To be perfectly honest, most gay men would answer “No.”  Maybe this is the year for you to say, “Yes.”

The recession is so bad even sex asked for a government bailout.  So, I can’t think of a better way to start the new year than to give sex something to smile about:  The best jokes about it.  Here are the funniest sex and relationship jokes I’ve heard in the last twelve months.  Enjoy!   And may the New Year recession-proof your bedroom…

 

 

 

THE GOOD

A white-collar guy goes to jail for embezzlement, afraid of what he’s heard.  Sure enough, his cellmate is biggest, meanest guy he’s ever seen.  When lights go out the guy says, “You want to play the husband or the wife.”  Guy thinks:  “The husband.”   Cellmate says, “Then come over and suck your wife’s dick.”

 

THE BETTER

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Father’.” 

The second one chirps up, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace’.” 

The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Your Eminence’.” 

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, Well…?”  She replies, “My son is a 6′ 2”, hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Oh, my God!’”

 

THE BEST

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You’re on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. Believe it or not, I’ve got some folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing over and over again. Such was his fate in hell. “No,” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long”.

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” said George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied behind his head, and his legs in a spread eagle pose.  Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.  Bush looked in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”