Like A Pornstar

Like A Pornstar

Who the hell is a drag queen like me going to marry?

drag-queen-dance

Drag Queen Miss Ginger Grant tells us why she can’t get worked up about gay marriage.

Really, she just can’t.

All the fuss about gay marriage has Miss Ginger in a bit of a quandary. She wants to get all riled up about it, she really does! Of course, gay couples should have the same rights as straight couples to form whatever kind of family they choose. I mean, if we’re going to start forbidding marriages, let’s stop letting idiots marry and raise buttloads of little snotnose morons!

But she really just can’t find the fire for the whole gay marriage thing. Really, she’s just not the marrying kind. She tried it once, but it didn’t work. First of all, she is a Drag “Queen”. Who does a Drag Queen marry, anyway?

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Fat day sex positions

headache

If your thighs stop 20 seconds after you do, that’s not feeling fat, that’s being it.

Either way, one of my best friends, Tracey Cox, the resident sex guru at ivillage posted this article on how to have sex when you’re feeling fat.

Here’s how she begins:

“Just because you’re tired, bloated or having a horrendous fat day (we’ve all been there), that doesn’t mean it has to be a no-sex night! No matter the reason, it’s easy to work around these common lust-busters — if you know the right moan-inducing moves. Just follow my intimate instructions for any of the problems below, and you’ll be basking in the afterglow in no time.”

She has terrific suggestions (my favorite:  blindfold him), but what I really like is the underlying tone:  how to get it over with, QUICKLY. Reminds me of what Chris Rock said about his wife:  “Before we got married she wanted sex more than I did.  Now, she’s like, “Stick it in, I got clothes to fold.”

You go, Trace!

Are his buttocks a calling card from Satan?

Paul Rudnick has one of the funniest essays I’ve ever read in this week’s New Yorker. He takes on the role of a Christian pastor struggling, Ted Haagard-like, with the gay thing.

The money quotes…

On struggling with his feelings early on:

I had agonizing doubts: was I just experiencing a completely normal phase of adolescent uncertainty, or were Jimmy Wiggins’s firm, high buttocks really a calling card from Satan?

On dating a woman:

We’d sit in her sorority’s front parlor reading Scripture together. “I think that St. Francis and St. Michael are my favorite holy men,” Mary Ann said one evening. “You’re right about Francis,” I said. “He’s to die for, but Michael should work on his calf muscles.” “Stan,” Mary Ann asked me, “is there something you’d like to tell me?”

And the best one, his first encounter with a guy:

Brad asked me out to dinner. “But just as friends and Christian study buddies,” he assured me. “I have absolutely no intention of allowing our eyes to lock over the bread basket, because that would only lead to the surprisingly roomy back seat of my Toyota Celica, where we’d be forced to grapple with each other’s moist, engorged man areas.”

My bush screamed for Yard Dyke!

chainsaw-woman1

What if your husband is useless in the garden? Tips for trimming the perfect bush from guest blogger Lisa Brower.

Every spring I become enamored by the idea of having a perfect yard and garden. This year I had decided I didn’t give a damn anymore and had set my mind to hiring an attractive, young, well-built Hispanic guy to do the yard work instead. I had dreams of lounging around on my back porch sipping a daiquiri and looking sultry in the intense heat. I could watch the sweat glisten on his shirtless and flawlessly tanned chest. At some point he would turn around to return my lusty stare and then stroll purposely toward me with his tight jeans riding low enough on his hips to show just a tantalizing peep of pale silky skin.

Standing over my lounger, he would reach for the daiquiri I poured for him and his full, pouty lips would form their first and highly anticipated words to me:

“Girl, it is HOT out here. This bitch needs to go home before she just falls out. I’ve got me a man coming over tonight and the only thing I want to be hot for is him! That’s gonna be one-fifty for today. Can I use your shower before I go to the gym?”

Shit.

I just fantasized up a hot, gay Hispanic yard man. Just my luck. I guess this means Yard Dyke is coming back this year.

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Google’s Sexual Hypocrisy.

google_search

Google refused to put ads on this blog because they think it’s too adult oriented.  Hello?  Google Image delivers porn faster than a pizza.

There is so much porn on Google you’d swear the site was founded by a priest.  So imagine my surprise when I got an email from their bots concluding that my blog was too adult-oriented. (click here to see the actual rejection letter). That’s like the town tramp refusing to date you because she’s got her reputation to think about.

I write about sex, dating and relationships. I make a point of never crossing the line from edgy to off-the-cliff because I write for, and make appearances in, the mainstream media. The invitations to guest on the Tyra Banks Show and The Today Show would dry up if I struck a pervy pose. By most accounts my blog is a witty, insightful collision of rants, advice and observations.

Yet Google considers it no better than p*ussy.org, dumpstersluts.com, and twistedfetishxxx.com (all sites which I found through Google, of course). I decided to test their hypothesis: Is my blog smuttier than Google?

I took popular entries on my site and compared its pictures and content to what I found on Google Image. For example:

Sample content with the word “Porn” on my site: Is porn bad for you? Flicker sex: the fix for a low libido, Is your boyfriend a sexual camel? Why do lesbians watch gay porn?

Sample content with the word Porn on Google Image (these links are to the Google Image search pages, not to actual websites)Petite Asian slut *#cking on a…, Torture porn: want popcorn with that…, teen porn slut blasted by…

Sample pictures associated with the word “Porn” on my site: A camel (nobody servicing it), a lit match, and a gas station called “Pump-N-Munch.”

Sample pictures associated with the word “Porn” on Google Image:   [Read more…] about Google’s Sexual Hypocrisy.

Is rejection worse on Monster.com or Match.com?

fistthroughpc

“I’m openly advertising that I want something,”  writes guest blogger Tony Thompson, “with very little promise of reward.”

Like way too many people in this ravished economy, I have recently found myself unemployed and looking for a job. My resume sits patiently on dozens of online job boards, waiting for any part of it to catch someone’s eye. Daily I scour employment sites, trying to find the perfect marriage of a job and my skill level. The entire process seems oddly familiar to me, the constant hope that with the click of a mouse I’ll stumble upon a suitable match. I check my email dozens of times a day, hoping to have heard back from a company I’ve contacted. Empty mailboxes are sober reminders of rejection. I’m openly advertising that I want something, with very little promise of reward.

It occurred to me recently after reviewing my employment profile for the seventh time in one day, trying to see my work history through the eyes of a stranger, that I’m not only looking for a job, I’m online dating.

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