One can only imagine what his repugnant, self-absorbed father must have said when it happened:
“Is it hot in here, or is it me?”
I’ve never been big on romance in the traditional sense. I find the notion of a candlelit dinner or a romantic stroll on the beach to be trite and too structured. My idea of romance has always been along the lines of someone buying me a beer, letting me eat the last piece of pizza, or keeping their mouth shut during my favorite television show.
Contrary to normal consensus, my distaste for romance has little to do with my elevated levels of jadedness. Even when I was younger and much more naïve than I am now, someone buying me flowers or writing me a poem seemed awkward, forced, and cheesy. But now, at 33 and still single, people assume that I hate romance because I’ve been dating for 15 years and I’m simply exhausted. This mis-perception often pops up when discussing my views with less experienced friends, friends who still think that the odds of them meeting someone casually at a coffee shop aren’t actually less than the odds of them getting mauled by a pack of wild dogs.
[Read more…] about Would you rather have a romantic meal or a bite of fun?
Wide-On: (noun). A slang term referring to female sexual arousal.
Ex: ” Alexander Skarsgard is for sure the biggest “Wide-On” I’ve ever featured.”
Here’s a few more pictures for your viewing pleasure. [Read more…] about A Widening Wide On: Alexander Skarsgard
After my recent discovery of the A-spot, I started realizing I’m not as up to speed on being a self designated sexpert as I thought. I’ve been pouring through sex books and the internet trying to get my game back. My game is lame. I learned so many things I didn’t know and so many sex terms I’d never encountered. I thought I’d share some of them with you because believe me you don’t want to be lame in the sex game.
For further clarification, I’ve stated the term, I’ve given the definition as used in the literature and then I tell it like I see it to insure you understand how to be fluent in the terms when they come up in a casual conversation. This will come in handy in the event of an unexpected pop quiz, if you’re out drinking one night and someone nonchalantly throws out one of these terms or a guy says something to you like “I’ve got a diamond cutter here for you.”
[Read more…] about The newest sex slang…from Thighbrows to Dicknotized!
I don’t take it personally when I get accused of inventing my friends Grant and Lary, because sometimes my own biggest wish is that they were imaginary, too, especially given their penchant lately for “keeping things real.”
That was their excuse last month when they tried to kidnap a visiting colleague of mine, tie him to a tree and try to talk him out of collaborating with me on a television project. “Are those guys for real?” he yelled at me once he was safely back in California.
I’ve been hearing that question a lot lately. So to put everybody’s doubt to rest, the following is an ACTUAL CONVERSATION that is absolutely without a doubt practically verbatim that occurred between the three of us. If you drove by you would have seen the three of us out there, me with my laptop pecking away as these two demented dicksacks bloviated about life in general and being professional characters in particular:
Lary: I just figured out how I’m going to win the Nobel prize for solving two world problems, the global food deficit and the overcrowded prison system. Here’s the solution: We eat the convicts.
Grant: In other parts of the world cannibalism is common, so somewhere it’s already an accepted practice. It would just be a matter of opening your mind. But it would take a long time to get people comfortable eating people.
Lary: Two meals. It would take missing two meals. I conducted a study in my basement.
Grant: Lary, I would love to have the time – or the drugs — you have on your hands.
Lary: It’s a delicate balance.
[Read more…] about The voices in my head are real.
Michael Jackson’s funeral brings up an age-old question: How do you reconcile an artist’s repugnant private life with his stellar public achievement?
His mark on music is undeniable, but so is his impact on child welfare. Seems like a lot of us would rather deny the man than his music. That’s why you see so much whitewashing in the news–downplaying or omitting his Warp 5 Freak Factor.
The canonization of the King of Pop requires a stop at Rewrite. The fact that he was brought up on charges of child molestation twice is simply an inconvenience we wave away by reminding ourselves he was never convicted.
You know, like O.J.
Sarah Palin, who’s only served as Alaska’s governor since 2006, resigned today, effective in a couple of weeks. She made the stunning announcement in a press conference where she sounded like cross between a high school basketball coach giving the team a half-time pep talk and Cheech & Chong after a particularly wop-wop-whizzly-do episode with some fine Colombian, north slope weed.
She was so unclear and evasive about the reasons for her resignation that I kept banging my car’s dashboard thinking my radio was just giving off a lot of static. It didn’t work. No matter how much I pounded on her, I couldn’t get a straight answer. See if you can figure it out in this AP post.
Sarah Palin The Quitter. I think she said she quit because the media was too negative and she didn’t want to waste millions of tax dollars to fight ethics investigations. But really, it doesn’t matter. She quit. She gave up. She betrayed everybody who gave money, made phone calls, and invested all their energies into electing her. This is the legacy that Sarah Palin leaves behind:
When the going gets tough, QUIT.
Thanks, Sarah Palin for being a role model our daughters can look up to. Thanks for living up to the stereotype that women aren’t tough enough to stick it out. Thanks for showing everybody that the best way to shoulder responsibility is to wiggle out of it. That when things aren’t to your liking the best thing to do is RUN. And thank you especially for the reminder that quitting is a gift for the people you quit on.
Sarah Palin, Meet Hillary Clinton. She has a thing or two to teach you. Against all odds, Hillary never quit the presidential race until every note of the swan song played out. Weren’t you listening when she said that she got up for every American that got hit and went down? Didn’t you see her when she REFUSED to wave the white flag you so furiously wave now? Has she taught you nothing? Let me repeat her mantra to you: Never give in; never give up.
Sarah, you’re a sissy.
And Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards and Bill Clinton.
We can’t understand why these guys handled the aftermath of their affairs with such monumental stupidity, but inject us with truth serum, banish the women and you’ll get a rather inconvenient truth: We understand why they did it.
We understand the aching, overwhelming desire to shtuup the new girl at the office (or the new guy at the gym).
We know that having sex outside the relationship doesn’t mean we don’t love our spouses.
We know there isn’t some deficiency in our spouses that drives us into the arms of strangers.
We understand the Marc Sanfords of the world because we’ve either done what they’ve done, are currently doing it or hoping to do it.
And it isn’t because we’re bored, depressed, unhappy, not being treated right at home, going through a mid-life crisis, looking for adventure, need validation or…
Wait, wait, here’s my favorite: Because we have a fear of intimacy.
Bull. That’s what people (especially women) say to themselves so that they don’t have to face the ugly truth: Men are not meant to be monogamous. We are beat into monogamy by unreasonable moral codes. And much to the dismay of society, temporarily beating something into submission doesn’t change the nature of what you’re beating.
The reason most people (and by that, I mean women) can’t understand why so many men would risk their relationship and careers for sex is that
