General

As I sat in the blogging workshop offered by Mike Alvear (the founder of this site) I could only think of one thing: I’m in the wrong place.

Alvear is a sex advice columnist, so I figured his blogging workshop was for people who wanted to learn how to get laid through their blog. But everybody there signed up because they wanted to make money, sell their book or prop up their business.

How embarrassing. For them, I mean. Everybody knows that books are dead, business is dying and you can’t make money at home.

Clearly, I was the only who ‘got it’. Or rather, hoping to get it. Or some. Whatever. Alvear and his co-presenter, NPR commentator Hollis Gillespie seemed momentarily fazed by the name of my blog (TheCucumberHasLeftTheSalad.com), but they rallied to give me a few pointers. I can’t say the workshop met my objectives, (I’m still lay-free), but I did learn a few things that helped my writing. Such as…

I came up with this list of Top Ten Things Not to Say in Bed, and I must say, I got more hits (translation: some) than I’ve ever gotten before (translation: none):

1. “Is it in?”
2. “oooh, kinky! Your sister won’t let me do that.”
3. “Don’t freak out. HIV isn’t that bad–I’ve lost 10 pounds since I got it.

[Read more…] about Do You Spell Publicity Whore with One Whore or Two?

Readers of my blog remember the Curly debacle. And Max. And Dinner Date guy who let me pay the bill. Uh, yeah. Each time, I came home from a great date and been all ooey gooey and blogged about it. And each time, I’ve been kicked in the teeth for it. Now, whether it was the blogging or the fact that the guy wasn’t all that interested to begin with, I’ll never know. I’ll never know because I gave them excuse to hightail out of my orbit before I got a chance to figure it out.

Here’s the deal. Men hate drama. They just hate it. Blogging = drama. Worse, they hate hearing every innermost thought that we have when those thoughts mention “marriage” or “Prince Charming” or “The One.” I once said I was smitten with a guy after a first date only to have our second date broken because he admitted to reading my blog and freaking out. Smitten. All I said was that I was smitten. He ran so fast he left skid marks on my blog. [Read more…] about Don’t Date & Blog.

No Drinking in the Park!

…Unless they pocket the profits…

I’m outraged. I can’t believe PETA would be so disrespectful as to use the term “whales” and “blubber” when referring to obese people.

I’m all for healthy eating and holding the food industry accountable for what they offer us, but there are much better ways to do this. If PETA really doesn’t want to offend people, they should fire their marketing and public relations people. This billboard is no different than taunts by cruel people.

What I’m getting from this billboard is that they don’t want to “help” overweight people; they want to “shame” them. [Read more…] about PETA Hates Fat People

It’s destined to be inducted into the Slang Hall of Fame. Here’s the 20-second scene on YouTube. Godric, the most powerful of the True Blood vampires, says it when he grabs a predatory vampire by the throat as she was about to ‘feed’ on a human he likes.

I have now completely worn out the phrase, vehemently whispering it to my friends whenever a cutie walks past us or yelling at the TV when they show the healthcare Town Hall meetings.

“Retract Your Fangs! Mark my words (or technically, Godric’s), you’re going to hear it a lot in the next few months.

Clearly we don’t go around saluting like SS guards, but you’d be surprised at how every day palm gestures can have nearly the same negative effects. Quick example: I have a good friend who’s fairly disliked by a good many people. Although I think he’s kind and generous, some folks have taken me aside and said, “There’s something about him that rubs me the wrong way.”

That “something” is the way he uses his palms. In the Hitler example, you saw the raw emotional power of a simple palm position, but again, that’s not realistic. Here’s how your palms can make somebody dislike you (like my friend) in a real conversation.

[Read more…] about Gay Dating: How the subtlest body language can make or break your love life.

I don’t normally do political opinion posts and I’m not today either. But I saw this situation coming last week when former President Bill Clinton sashayed John Wayne style into North Korea and waltzed out with those two hot Asian reporter chicks. I watched the whole drama on the news, and I do have to add that I was thrilled and relieved that the young women were freed.

Then I made myself laugh all afternoon as I pictured scenarios that might have taken place on the plane (thoughtfully loaned by playboy Hollywood friend and Clinton supporter, Stephen Bing). Apparently Clinton just went and spoke to Kim Jong Il and was able to negotiate the release of the journalists with the notoriously difficult dictator in a few hours. Damn that man is smooth.

I’ll bet he promised to film a little action and send it to his new buddy. A former President, two grateful young women (who happen to be very attractive), a tricked out personal jet (did it have a hot tub?), and a well stocked bar complete with Cuban cigars.

“Come here to Big Daddy, little girls. Show me some of that hot Oriental love. Y’all do some massage?”

I swear he winked at the camera when he followed them on to the plane.

So where was the Secretary of State during all this? I would have been right there myself, shoving him out of the way so that the press could have gotten my sound bite instead of his. Yes, the State Department coordinated the biggest foreign policy accomplishment of the Obama administration last week, but who took all the credit? [Read more…] about Hilary Clinton goes full menopause on reporter over Bill.

To wit, my answer to a guy who couldn’t get his girlfriend to fondle the remote:

Do what a porn director does–put it in the best light. Ask her to watch porn and you’ll get a flat no. Ask her to embark on a joint sexual journey and you’ll be watching the bompa-bompa-chicka-wow-wow together in no time.

The reason you have to go through all this nonsense is because you are, ahem, asking her to watch other women turn you on. Not exactly hitting an emotional G-spot with that one. [Read more…] about How to get your partner to watch porn with you.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever survived a difficult relationship with a man and decided life surely must be better on the opposite side of the fence. I don’t know if gay men go through that thought  process, but everyone of my girlfriends has said it at least once jokingly after a horrendous breakup.

Being a literal sort of girl, I decided to go see if that pasture was any greener than the straight side of the field.

I decide to pole vault into girl-on-girl world in the summer of 1988. Having had at least a decade of dick behind me (sometimes literally), I noticed my lesbian friends seemed to be having a hell of a lot more fun than I was. I had already slept with women in college, so that so called taboo was out of the way.

Luckily I had my own personal guide to lesbian Atlanta to help ease the transition. She would show up at work on Mondays with blackened eyes and enormous hickeys from her weekend romps, sharing  her adventures with our co-workers during smoke breaks. Her pickups showered her with attention; sending flowers, taking her to lunch, giving her rent money. There was an endless line up of older gay women in expensive cars spoiling her rotten and that looked like exactly what I needed too. At that point in my life I had financially and emotionally supported an ever changing line up of would be rock stars, so a sugar mama sounded like a dream come true.

I started hitting up the gay bars with her on weekends. I chopped off my hair into a cute, shaggy little cut and found freedom in a cosmetic free face. I added some polo shirts and flat shoes to my wardrobe. I danced my Doc Martin shod feet off to “I Just Want To Be Your Lover Girl”  at the Sports Page  and Talluleh’s.

I discovered that picking up women is a lot more difficult than picking up men. [Read more…] about I Tried Being Lesbian. Jane was Nice, but Dick was Better.