General

When Adamandeve.com asked me to produce a series of funny sex toy videos, it posed a real challenge: How do you talk about something when the talking of it turns people off? Here’s the first of the adult toy videos:

I believe I’ve hit then end of the line with Match, OKCupid and Nerve. Yeah. I think I’m done with online dating.

There are several reasons for this. For one, I believe I have hit the proverbial glass ceiling. At 41, and a size 10, I am not what many men utilizing those sites consider desirable. Which isn’t to say I’m not. I’m just saying that the men on those sites appear to be seeking perfection in its highest form.

I’ve restricted my log on time for these sites to twice a week. Any more than that I end up walking away with this tremendous sense of worthlessness. Try to imagine sifting through profiles of men aged 40-50 who cap their desired age range for a woman at 39. Or picture emailing 4-5 men who say they’re open to dating women as old as 45, but never reply. Leaving me to wonder if maybe they look at my profile and think “Eh, she’s cute. But I bet I could find someone younger.”

Then there’s the fact that every time I log on, I see the same profiles over and over again. And not just old profiles of men who haven’t logged on it a few weeks or month. No. We’re talking men who are always listed as having checked in in the past 24 hours. It just makes me wonder…

What the hell are they waiting for? What do they want, for Christ’s sake?

These sites cater to two markets – young under 35 and the over 50. It’s as if even the people behind these websites are saying they don’t want or need us.

It’s my personal belief that back in the early stages of internet dating, when it just becoming popular, all the decent, not ridiculously picky, free of any major baggage people had great success. It was Darwinian – the strongest truly did survive and thrive, leaving behind those not so capable, ready or willing.  As time went on, the pool of possible healthy mates thinned out. Considerably. Now you have a bunch of people who have decided either they haven’t settled yet so why start now, aren’t the healthiest of partners or are just never going to settle down. Or, if they’re like me, hoping the work they’ve done on themselves was done on time.

As for my specific age range (37-50) I think there are slim pickings left for both genders.  I looked through pages and pages of profiles of men and woman.  The make up got heavier, the pictures got older or were shot at a further distance, the disclaimers of serious inquiries only/not looking for a one night stand/no crazy pants/must love kids became more constant. Many gave away just how jaded, cynical, delusional or burnt out the person had become.

I officially lost my shit when I read this 49 year old man’s profile: [Read more…] about I Am DONE with Online Dating.

* Stop/Start. When you’re alone, masturbate until you get close to the point of no return then STOP. Do nothing but focus on the sensation of your penis. The urge to orgasm will subside within 3 minutes. Start masturbating again. Do this over and over and you’ll find you’ll last longer and longer.

* Pace. Now masturbate until you get close to coming and instead of stopping, slow down. PACE. Change the speed of your stroke, the pressure and the site of your grip (go from the head, where there’s more nerve endings, to the shaft where there’s less).

* Stop/Start with a Hottie. Have her (or him!) masturbate you until you get close to “ejaculatory inevitability” then STOP. Basically, follow step 1 only your partner’s doing the work and you’re doing the refereeing.

* Pace Together. Now have your partner masturbate you until you get close to coming and instead of stopping, PACE.

* Avoid Missionary. It’s harder to relax and concentrate on sensations. Lie flat on your back with your partner sitting on your sausage. Don’t move. Get acclimatized for as long as it takes. Now use the stop/start/pacing method. First, gently thrust up and down. Getting close? Stop. Wait a few minutes. Now have your partner move up and down. Close? Pace.

* Try Missionary Start moving. S-l-o-w-l-y. Keep using the Stop/Start/Pace method throughout. If your partners are any good, they’ll pretend it hurts–that way you’ll feel like you’ve got a big one. A well-timed “Ow!” is the best way to inflate a man’s ego.

‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had sex. Last week. Right here, inside this confessional. During your sermon.’

Having been the instigator of said sacrilegious act, I shared in her scandalous secret. Still, I would have paid any amount of money to have been a fly on the wall during her confession. The curious combination of circumstances which culminated in conduct thoroughly unbecoming a lady provides today’s discourse.

[Read more…] about Gentlemen are Simply Patient Wolves.

Another priceless description from Gawker.com.

It had been a long time since I felt that pull. You know the kind I’m talking about.  That feeling you get when you are inexplicably drawn to someone combined with that primal urge to wrap your legs around his waist and beg him to take you on the spot.

Jeremy wasn’t…bad. He just had an edge. Something I couldn’t pin point. He unsettled me. I think it had to do with his eyes. They were ice blue and deep set. When he spoke to me, I felt like he could see right through me. I didn’t like that. It made me feel too vulnerable.

We met at a bar, of course, where all sweaty, intense sexual relationships begin. He wore a tan suit with a royal blue button down shirt that brought out his eyes. At first glance he looked rather ordinary as he stood there against the bar surrounded by men dressed similarly. But then I saw a flash from his right hand as he reached for his beer. It was a silver ring he wore on his middle finger.  Not a wedding band. It looked like a tiny silver crown of thorns. Definitely not something you see on the hand of a banker or lawyer, aka the guys I never date.

When you do as much work in bars as I do, you get exposed to a lot of different men. It has it’s upside as well as it downs. Tonight’s outcome was undetermined. I walked up to the bar to chat with my friend who was tending that night. That’s when I saw it. It was a tattoo, or the top of one, peeking out over his collar.

He must have seen   as he started to rub his neck. “What…is there a spider on me?” he asked.

I walked over to him, somehow, filled ot the brim with a confidence I don’t usually have. I think "brazen" is the word I’d use to describe how I felt in that moment.

I pointed to his neck and told him I was trying to figure out what kind of tattoo he had.

“Did you get that in prison?” I asked as I approached him. Normally I’d have left several inches of breathing room between us. But something told me I didn’t need to, that if he wanted me to back up he’d just tell me.

“It’s funny you should say that..” he said. My stomache sank. An ex-con? A serial killer? Some white collar criminal on parole?

No. He was a cop. A detective, actually. And an ex Marine which explained his closely cropped light brown hair.

Ah. That’s it. Discipline. That’s what it was about him that so appealed to me.

We talked for a bit, he bought me a couple glasses of wine. Then he made his move. [Read more…] about The Difference Between a Dick and a Cock.

Dear Sexorcist:
Is there any particular reason why a man would choose not to go down on a woman, EVER? I don’t particularly like going down on my boyfriend of seven months but I do it because I love him and I know it’s something he enjoys. Plus, I don’t want him to cheat on me. We’re both in our 30’s and I’m getting a little sick of his selfishness—he loves it when I do it but never returns the favor. Do I need to bribe him or what?

— Gagging in Georgia

Dear Gagging:
If you’re giving him head to keep him from wandering I can’t imagine what you’re doing to keep him from leaving. Listen, Our Lady of The Kneepads, Your boyfriend apparently has a three-word philosophy: “I, Me, Mine.” And yours, unfortunately, is “He, Him, His.”

He’s being a pig, honey, but you’re eating the bacon. One of the basic elements of good sex is…

Click Here to Read More…

With the resurgence of the ‘stache–never has it been so popular since Reynolds and Selleck–and popularity of the hipster beard, I’m finding myself (maybe you are too) in some hairy kissing situations lately. Some find the bushel (of hair) leading to a peck. Others find it a kissing deterrent.

Years ago, in college, I had a classmate named Brian. Brian was an English major too and was a talented writer. As with many talented writers he was also out of his mind. I tended to attract those sorts, back then–and even now–and we became friends. He had a crush on me, but I always had a boyfriend through those years so there was no chance for him. He also seemed too volatile for me and while it was fun visiting the zoo at times and even reaching in and trying to feed the beast, I did not want to live there. [Read more…] about Do Beards Cockblock the Guys Wearing Them?

It was just after midnight and we were curled up on her sofa, making out like teenagers. The first date had gone unusually well; hours of scintillating conversation, intermingled with blatant sexual innuendo, had led to a cab outside her home. When I asked if she intended to ‘invite me up for coffee’, she rolled her eyes. ‘I know exactly what kind of “coffee” you want.’

‘I like my coffee like I like my women’ I replied. ‘Dark, and just slightly bitter. Like you.’

In the flickering candlelight of her tiny living room, hands, mouths and lips were moving in synchronous motion. She was astride me, her bra vanished, and I was flicking counter-clockwise circles with the tip of my tongue around her perfectly formed, eraser-tip nipples, when I deftly slid my fingers into her jeans and down the crack of her ass. She paused.

‘I don’t think we should, tonight’ she heaved. ‘After all, it’s only our first date.’

I cradled her face in my hands. ‘We don’t have to. You’re the woman; you have the right to say no at any time. But we are adults. We’re here. We’re worked up. What is accomplished by sending me home all hot and bothered? I’m going to walk out the door and one of two things is going to happen: either we’re both going to go masturbate alone, or you’re going to masturbate and I’m going to go make a phone call. It’s up to you.’

Several hours and broken pieces of furniture later, we both agreed we’d come, to the right conclusion.

I’m always amazed in this day and age when I encounter women who choose to postpone sex with a man they think has relationship potential, either because they think they won’t be taken seriously if they sleep with a man on the first date, or out of some antiquated notion that unless you make us work for it, we won’t appreciate it.

I’m here to call bullshit on both. [Read more…] about Dismantling the Myth of First Night Nookie.