General

Dear Sexorcist:

— Crushed in Decatur

Dear Crushed:
Most online dating injuries occur when people like you fall from their desperation onto their IQ. For all you know, “she” was a 16 year old boy telling his friends, “watch this” whenever you got online. You want closure? The better question is, “how can I reverse my lobotomy?”

It may be too late for you but maybe I can warn off all the other pre-lobotomites. While I’m a big fan of online dating/hookups it’s got a few sinkholes that’ll swallow you whole if you don’t pay attention.

First, nobody’s real until you meet them. If you..

Read the rest, bitch….

Annie Hall is the only comedy that’s ever won an Oscar for best movie of the year. It ends with a joke that reveals EVERYTHING. Woody Allen’s character, in trying to explain why he keeps trying to have relationships even though none of them have ever worked, tells this joke (I’m paraphrasing):

Man goes to a psychiatrist: “Doc, I don’t know what to do. My brother is out of his mind. He thinks he’s a chicken!”

Psychiatrist: “Why don’t you have him committed?”

Man: “I would, except I need the eggs.”

Allen goes on to say, “Why do we keep longing for relationships when they make you crazy? I guess because we need the eggs.”

Dear Sexorcist:
I just recently looked into sex toys to revamp my sex life with my boyfriend (its hard for me to climax during sex). Anytime I mention them or show him the things I bought (mainly for myself but some for both of us) he goes ape shit. None of the toys are super kinky or anything. Its just a c-ring with a vibrating bullet on it. His uptight attitude towards them is ruining our sex life and it’s starting to affect our relationship. It’s annoying because I brought it up with him before I bought the toys and he was like, if you want then that’s fine… HELP!

— Toying with him

Dear Toying With Him:

Skip the sensitive crap and give him a warning: If your yawns get any bigger they’re going to name a hurricane after them.

READ MORE…

I realize that this might be considered blogicide of some kind but..what ever. I’ve read some stuff  written by women lately that just really, really wants to make me tear my hair out.

For starters, I’m sufficiently annoyed by the “How to Be Single on V-Day and Not Slit Your Wrists!” articles.

Here’s a thought….instead of all those cutesy, fluffy suggestions like buy yourself chocolate and pull that break in case of emergency booty call lever..what if we tell single women to look upon the couples having dinner or holding hands and just…smile at them. Or suggest they go to the gym. Or, you know, do whatever they’d be doing any other freakin’ Sunday. Yep, sure would be nice to get some flowers. But it’s not happening. Not this year at least. But then you still have 12 hours left and you never know what’s around the corner. Oh well..time to do my laundry and go to the gym and get a manicure and live my life! Yes, I know it’s Valentine’s Day. I know because I went to Seven 11 this morning and watched kids buying candy hearts and Peeps and stickers. Know what else? I thought it was adorable. Just like how I found it sweet that the newlyweds in my building were headed out to brunch together holding hands. I don’t hate it or dread it or wish it didn’t exist. My time will come, as will yours if you don’t already have a Valentine. Or maybe you truly don’t feel like you have to have one.  That’s cool, too. Can we all just stop with the hating on Valentine’s Day?? [Read more…] about The After-Valentine Hangover

Here’s a 3 minute Hollywood video ode to LERVE. To those of you who have it, fuck you. To those of you who don’t, the back of the line is over there–behind me. And to those who are dangerously close to getting it, CONGRATULATIONS!

Is it, as comedian Lord Carret said, “her knees over my shoulders, with my wallet hidden where she’ll never think of looking for it?”

Or is it a little more romantic than that?

But then, is there such a thing as a romantic sexual position? Certainly, there are elements that up the intimacy—positions that allow eye contact, kissing, caressing, and offering unobstructed heart space (both partners facing each other so they figuratively and literally have heart-to-heart contact).

But the whole thing breaks down when you try to pull all these elements into definitive positions. Especially, if you try to name those positions. “Missionary?” “69?” “Doggie Style?” Not part of any Romance Language I know. Recently, I asked my readers to come up with intimate names for sexual positions. Here’s a sampling from the men:

• The You Tube
• Snatcher in the Rye
• The Backward Death Dive
• The Screaming Pelican
• The Tony Danza (what you say after you yell, “Who’s the boss?”)

Not much help. Did the women come up with anything better? Take a look:

• The Rolodex of Love
• The Butter Churn Tilt-a-Whirl.
• The Whiskey Waltz
• The Flckr Licker
• The Why Me Waterfall

Nobody got it right because it’s not gettably right. Soaring romance is at odds with the nuts and bolts of the bomp-chicka-wow-wow. It can lay the groundwork or clean it up afterwards, but in the end, it’s a victim of the often awkward, sometimes comedic attempt at physical union. Sexual physics is the Hoover Dam to the river of romance.

I gorged on Google Images, trying to find a visual for “romantic sexual positions.” I think it’s safe to say there’s a big difference between romantic and pornographic imagery. One makes you long for something; the other makes you reach for it. One asks where it can take you; the other asks what it can do for you. The two are inseparable, of course, but not if you want your family-friendly browser to deliver pictures that make the point.

And there are some that do. It only took me a day and a half to find them, but they’re there. Or rather, here. They’re beautiful, they’re PG, and they prove my contention that there’s only one romantic sexual position for Valentine’s Day: Eyes closed.

My collection of romantic positions…

Kelly Kreth on…WTF!?!!I recently had a life altering interaction with someone who seemingly has no conscience. As a result I became fascinated with what kinds of people “sociopaths” are and how those around them are affected by their behavior. Since it was unsafe to continue to interact with the person in my real life whom I believed to be one, I decided to write to very famous inmates—all safely serving life sentences without hope of parole or who are on Death Row—who have been classified, at least in the press, as being sociopaths.

What better way to learn about their motivations and inner workings than to form a personal relationship with them knowing they will always be safely behind bars? The collected writings, which I call Letters from the Inside, chronicle what they have to say about their crimes, interests, and the prison experience. It gives readers an exclusive look into their thoughts in their own words. [Read more…] about The Allure of the Sociopath

Sex. Money.  In one way or another, these things manage to dominate much of our adult lives.  So what happens when we apply economic theory to male/female relationships?

The laws of supply and demand claim that the greater the demand and the more scarce the supply of an item, the greater the cost. The producer names the tune and the consumer has got to dance. Apply this theory to sexual relationships and you get some interesting scenarios. You like sex and you’re a straight man? You must deal with a woman; they have the market absolutely cornered.

As a consumer this is a terrifying thought. Once the producer realizes that the supply can be obtained thru no other source, they could potentially set the price so astronomically high as to make it essentially unobtainable. Obviously we are not speaking about prostitution: the ‘price’ in this case simply becomes the minimum standard a woman is willing to accept in a man she chooses to be intimate with: his level of education and financial success, his attractiveness and personal grooming, his manners, conversational skill, charm, charisma, sexual prowess, his ability to be monogamous. If this theory were true, and women realized it, they could and should, run the world.

So why don’t they? [Read more…] about The Modified Theory of Sexual Economics

And to add insult to injury, it includes office equipment and furniture in the building that housed these two once-mighty publications.

oi vey.