General

Straight women aren’t the only people who can’t seem to meet the right guy. Gay men can’t seem to either. The difference is that women aren’t “allowed” to approach men while gay men are expected to. And this sets up what psychologists call “Approach Anxiety” — the fear of initiating contact with a good looking stranger.

It goes something like this: You see a beautiful guy at a gay bar or a party and you want to meet him in the worst way. But fear matches your desire. Doubt sets in. Alarms go off. The fantasy of being with him draws you in but the thought of actually saying something to him scares you to death.

Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date (especially in gay bars): Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.

Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.

The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello. And it’s what makes gay nightlife turn into gay frightlife.

So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about every good looking guy: [Read more…] about The Art of the Gay Pickup.

Dear Sexorcist:

I’ve been having a hard time getting it hard lately. I’m 33 and I do smoke and drink. I have always had a good hard dude but lately with my girlfriend it’s been a chore. Don’t tell me to give up the cigs or the Jack—it ain’t gonna happen. Weird that suddenly I’m having problems getting it up. How do I straighten this out?

— Too Soft in Sylvan Hills

Dear Too Soft:

Saying you want a solution without cutting back is like asking how you can avoid a flat tire on a road full of nails. So, straight from the Department of Duh: Stop smoking and drinking. If you give a urine sample and an olive comes out, it’s time to quit. Or at the very, least cut back.

Erections are about blood flow. The more the flow the harder you’ll go. Guess what smoking does? Constricts blood vessels leading to the penis. Alcohol? Numbs the senses. The only thing that cigarettes and alcohol give a lift to is Viagra’s sales chart.

Click here to read more…

The Washington Post did a great video of couples standing in line:

Over 50 couples lined up at the city clerk’s office this morning as Washington DC’s new gay marriage law takes effect. The Supreme Court turned down opponents who had asked it to stop the proceedings. Good thing, because straight people have almost as much to gain from gay marriage as the people in this morning’s line.

Homophobia creates a great deal of marriages that end in divorce. Homophobia drives the fearful into fraudulent marriages. It compels people into deceit. Like my friend Paul. He wanted kids, he wanted job promotions, he wanted acceptance. What he didn’t want was the stigma of being gay. He was convinced that he could not have what he wanted out of life without living a life he didn’t want. So he lived a life he didn’t want to get the things that he did. He married. And years later, when he couldn’t bear living the lie anymore, he divorced. Leaving hurt children, an angry wife and confused relatives.

For every gay man or woman who married as a means of hiding–and then came out–there are at least three or four heterosexual victims: The spouse, the parents of the spouse, the parents of the gay person, the relatives of both and most importantly, the couple’s children.

If we will not be punished for loving someone of the same sex, if we will not be denied the protections and benefits of marriage, if we will not be denied a promotion, what incentive do we have to pretend to be straight? If we can get everything we want out of life without pretending to be someone we’re not, why go through the trouble of lying?

With the ability to marry, fewer and fewer of us will enter into sham marriages to get the privileges that come from being, or at least acting, heterosexual. As equality rises homophobia will fall and so will the need for using marriage as a bush we can use to shimmy over to the rights trough. By removing the need for marrying under false pretenses, same sex marriage will end needless heterosexual suffering. [Read more…] about Why Gay Marriage in Washington DC Means Less Straight Divorce

The sense of humor, its sheer inventiveness makes you long to live in France. Enjoy!

Obama’s first physical as commander in chief revealed that he hasn’t stopped smoking. Obama is 48, weighs 180 pounds and has 20-20 vision, according to the medical report, which recommended that he “continue smoking cessation efforts.”

I was watching an MSNBC reporter grill a White House aide, asking if she’d ever seen Obama with a cig hanging off his lower lip. The aide said, “I personally haven’t. You’ll have to ask Michelle.”

Indeed.

Many of us have done The Recycling thing. You’re in the midst of a dating drought, or need to get laid, and you start sifting through your address book or searching for people on Facebook. The plan is to send them a “Hey! How’ve you been?” email. Of course, you have an agenda. You’re not REALLY all that interested in catching up. Dropping him or her a line out of the blue and then ending the note with “Want to get together?” is just too obvious. You might as well just come out and say, “Listen, I have nothing else to do and could use a blow job…or a date to focus on and be excited about because Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m all weepy and sad.” [Read more…] about Dipping back into the dating garbage can.

How much more sex would you have?

How many more dates?

How many more relationships?

I’ve struggled with those questions for years. Gay nightlife turned into gay frightlife as soon as I’d see somebody I was attracted to. It was never a problem if he looked back or gave me some sign of interest, but if he didn’t? Forget it. Feet-cement-floor.

In a lot of ways I wanted to write this ebook for myself. I wanted to get more confidence in talking to attractive guys. I wanted to know what to say and how to say it. But how? It’s not like there’s anything written about the rules of attraction for gay men. Most people assume we don’t have any trouble meeting other gay men. And the truth is we don’t. Unless we’re attracted to them. Then, feet-cement-floor.

We’re as tongue-tied and scared as straight guys are when they see a beautiful woman. The difference is that straight guys have a TON of information on how to meet and attract women. So, I figured, well if nobody else is going to fill the void, I will.

And so I did.

I spent six months researching this book. I interviewed guys who were so good at meeting guys they could talk to a wall and pick up the plaster. I spoke with psychologists and sociologists about concepts like “Social Proof” and “Assuming Rapport,” and how they help people connect. I checked out the straight seduction gurus, kept what fit (a lot) and threw out what didn’t (more than a lot).

If you’ve ever been to a gay party and not known how to approach a guy, if Gay Dating seems more like Gay Waiting, then this is the ebook for you. It will eliminate your fear of rejection and give you rejection-proof icebreakers you can use to meet the man of the moment or the man of your dreams.

But truthfully, there’s a better reason to download the guide. As I worked my own program I realized the tools and techniques that I put together didn’t just help me meet higher quality men, they helped me become a better person. That’s because the only way get people interested is to become more interesting. And the only way to get inside of someone else is to think OUTSIDE of yourself.

I’m proud to say that writing this ebook helped me do that. And I’m certain reading it will do it for you.

click here to find out more about Meet The Hottie In The Corner–The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.

I was walking home from work last night. It was a beautiful night. The air was crisp, but not too cold. I had my iPhone on full volume and was walking in step with the beat of the jj n° 2 record. The laughter from “Intermezzo” came roaring into my ears the exact same moment that I noticed the cheshire smile hanging low in the sky. Moments like those make me love New York City so much it almost hurts.

As I walked on, I felt my iPhone vibrate. New mail. It was a message from Nerve. A member had written me. I logged in to find a message from “The Tiller”.

Subject Heading: I like…

That’s not a bad start. What did he have to say?

Message body: …you with dark hair.

OMG. This person knows me. A closer look at his profile revealed that this is a man I met on Nerve seven years ago. I’d logged on from my office back then and almost immediately, I received an instant message.

What are you doing?

he asked.

Working

I replied.

I mean tonight.

he said.

I have plans.

Cancel them.

God that was sexy. So, yeah, I canceled my plans, and I met him at [Read more…] about Aging Gracefully Online…Or Not At All