Like A Pornstar

Like A Pornstar

“Staying Closeted Makes Me a Better Soldier”

Paul Rudnick’s hilarious piece in the New Yorker takes on former air force chief’s Op-Ed in the Times. Sometimes I think people are afraid that repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will turn the compound in Iraq into a gay dating Green Zone. And that Camp Pendleton will turn into the world’s biggest gay bar. But enough of what I think.

Here’s the passage in Rudnick’s piece that made me laugh out loud:

As a gay soldier, I naturally spend much of my time debating casting issues involving the musical theatre, although, thankfully, I can’t share such thoughts with my unit. Instead, when I spot a potential suicide bomber, I think of him as someone who insists that Tyne Daly was the greatest Mama Rose of all time, even better than Merman. This makes me so enraged, and my aim grows so steady, that I can pick off the bomber with a single well-flung grenade, while shouting to myself, “Tyne was appealing, but she didn’t have a shred of Angela Lansbury’s esprit, or Patti LuPone’s thwarted fury! Anyone who ranks Tyne over Patti deserves to die! ” It’s called valor.

Read Rudnick’s full column here.

Atlanta Gay Bar Throwdown: Mayor calls lawsuit over Eagle raid a threat to the city.

In an outrageous response to the federal lawsuit filed against the city of Atlanta over the unconstitutional raid of a gay bar last year, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed said he considers the suit a threat to the city.

Now that’s rich.

Atlanta city police forced 62 patrons of The Eagle, a gay bar, to lay on the grubby floors face down for an hour, ransacked through their pockets, rounded up their ID’s, threatened jail time to anybody who asked why they were being held against their will, and then threw them out–without letting them have access to their cell phones, wallets and other personal belongings.

The injured parties are a threat? What the hell is the mayor thinking? He’s calling the victims of police brutality a clear and present danger to Atlanta.

Project Q Atlanta has all the details.

You’re going to want sex until you’re dead, according to study.

The British Medical Journal reports that many men remain interested in sex until they’re almost dead. Meaning, gay bars will never go away.

The study showed 67% of men ages 65 to 74 said they had been sexually active in the past year, compared with just 40% of women in that age group. And for those single, gay and dating, the figure runs to 105%.

The study coordinators believe Viagra has a lot to do with the “I want you NOW” gender gap. Since having a healthy sex life is a strong indicator of overall health (and a longer life). They also predict that if you’re a 30-year-old male, you can expect to have sex for 35 more years. The authors call this measure your “sexually active life expectancy,” or SALE. (I couldn’t make that up if I tried).

That means if you’re 30 you have 35 more years of gay bars! If that doesn’t make you want to cut your life expectancy, I don’t know what will.

The Art of the Gay Pickup (Part Two)

armedndangerous

Forget pickup lines. You might as well ask, “How about some dick?” He’ll shut you down faster than a unionized WalMart. Before you bust a move in a gay bar, know that he’s going to ask himself two things…

1. Are you hitting on me? If he likes you, you’re in. Stop reading. Go home. Enjoy him. If he’s not sure or he’s not immediately attracted, the law of gay attraction is going to pull you down. You better give him a reason for talking, so say something like, “Help me settle a bet with a friend…” or “I’m asking you because…” The point is to give him context. You can always try the direct route—“because I want to bend you over the railing and pound the dust out of your rug.” But really, if it were that easy you wouldn’t need my gay tips.

2. How long are you going to be? If he’s not immediately attracted to you, he’ll spend the whole time trying to get rid of you. So, use a “Time Constraint” –something that lets him know he’s a pit stop, not a landing spot. Like, “I have to get back to my friend in a sec, but I have to ask you…” Pair it with symmetrical body language—leaning away, or taking a couple of steps away as you’re talking. When it comes to dating or hooking up, the shortest distance between two zippers isn’t always a straight line.

By giving him 1) a rationale for talking and 2) leaving quickly, you’ve set up an exquisite question in your future ex-husband’s mind–“Was that guy interested or just being friendly?” That’s exactly where you want him: Wondering. Because wondering will make him more receptive to your company when you come back–and you will (more on how later), giving you the opportunity to charm the pants off him.

And inch him closer to that railing.