General

WTF? It’s a mark of this comedian’s genius that he can make us laugh about Uganda’s pending legislation to make homosesxuality punishable by death.

And the way he gets there is brilliant.

Thanks to my friend Rick Howington over at the Biology of Technology blog for spotting this one. Finding it hard to find the hot and nearly videos worth watching. Check out Rick’s post Web Video Conscierge – a collection of sites that tell you which videos are hot or not on all the video sharing sites. It’s a great way to keep up without slogging through the crap.

From a reader:

I’m an average sized guy (almost 6” but not girthy) and I’m interested in a guy that seems to have a preference for bottoming, but that’s my problem. I really like those types of guys (slightly fem) but I’m a huge bottom boy too! So, I’m considering switching my preference. Sex isn’t the top thing on my list so I could easily go either way if that’s what the guy likes. So my question is, how can I please a bottom, having little experience in the topping department, and while having an average-to-small sized cock? I honestly don’t mind the size of my cock–it’s proportional to me (short/skinny) but I’ve had a few guys mock me about my size. It may have been playful but it still sinks in after a while because they were serious. I just want to know if the size of my cock is going to affect my ability to top (well) and what I can do to combat that. I’ve topped a couple guys in the past and had no negative reaction, but I want to learn to do it right with the equipment that I have.
— Topsy Turvy

Dear Topsy:
If the guys who teased you were at a bar, I’d have said they looked like they could use a margarita, no salt, and thrown it in their face. The next time somebody says something about your dick, call them out. Like, “STOP. You’ve got a couple of body parts that aren’t so great but I respect you enough not to say anything negative. I’d like the same respect.”

Now, about this ridiculous idea that you can only top well if your name is Tripod: The facts don’t support you. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need extra large condoms. Are you saying the other 94% are lousy tops? Puh-leeze. [Read more…] about Do you have to be big to properly mount somebody?

From a reader:

I’m no good at gay pickups. Every weekend I go out to the gay bars and freeze every time I see a good looking guy I’m interested in. I just can’t bring myself to approach them even when I think I have half a chance. How do I get over this paralyzing fear? Am I going to end up alone beating off to porn for the rest of my life?

– Don’t know what to do

Dear Don’t Know:

You’ve got Hot Guy Phobia—the fear of meeting attractive guys when there are no physical reasons keeping you from it. It’s also called “Approach Anxiety,” and it gives gay dating a nasty little rash that won’t go away without a little work.

Approach anxiety and conversational skill deficiencies feed on each other. If you knew exactly what to say and how to say it, your approach anxiety would melt like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

But there’s an even bigger reason that approach anxiety rears its ugly head and keeps gay men from connecting with the kind of guys they want to date: Believing that good looking strangers are something they’re not.

Most of us see an attractive guy as a goal–something we want to, ahem, achieve. But if he’s a goal, taking the chance of approaching him has only two possible outcomes: Leave with him in your arms or your tail between your legs.

The thing about goals is that you either achieve them or you don’t. You win or lose, it’s black and white, sink or swim. Actually, it’s worse. When your goal is love, sex or both, it feels more like Live or Die. You either get validated by a beautiful guy or die of embarrassment from trying to talk to him. That’s a pretty high price for what amounts to saying hello.

So what’s the secret to overcoming your fear of rejection? It’s coming to a profound realization about that hottie in the corner:

He’s not a goal. He’s a portal.

The guy you want to meet is not an objective; he’s an entryway. He’s somebody who’s going to lead you to the next moment in your life. He may be the next guy you date but what if he ends up introducing you to the next guy you date? What if he becomes your next acquaintance, friend, or business contact? Or the guy who points you to the sports league you didn’t know existed, the concert you didn’t know was scheduled or that restaurant that just opened. Maybe you’ll just get a great story out of the experience of meeting him. Or a funny joke. But if you’re open to all of it, any of it, then suddenly Mr. Hot, by the definition of a portal, CAN’T induce fear of rejection, ridicule or loss. He can only instill a sense of curiosity about what’s next.

Once you’ve redefined and realigned your perception of attractive guys, the fear of rejection goes away. But you’re still left with a major dilemma: What do you say to an attractive stranger that won’t make you sound like an idiot? I cover that extensively in my new ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner, and will touch on it in later columns. For now, work on the law of gay attraction by changing your perceptions. Every time you see a hottie, picture a doorway.

The funniest scene is an outtake after the video ends. Enjoy!

Of course, it’s McDonald’s in FRANCE, but still. Here’s the video:

From a reader:

My question for you, oh wise one, is how to keep myself from coming too quickly while still having fun pumping away. I don’t last but a minute or two once I penetrate somebody. I’m mortified and humiliated but nothing seems to help. I’ve tried distracting myself while I’m inside –counting backwards from 100, picturing dead cats, that sort of thing. Obviously, it ain’t working. What can I do to last longer?

— Help me be a better top!

Dear Help Me:
Premature ejaculation is the most common male sexual dysfunction in men under 30. About 30% of men complain about it. The other 70% complain about not finding anyone to prematurely ejaculate on.

You can go from a two-pump chump to a long-time champ but you need to pay more attention to what you’re feeling, not less. [Read more…] about How to Last Longer In Bed.

A lot of straight folks won’t understand why this scene from GLEE stunned so many gay viewers. Most of us have uneasy truces with our dads (if we’re out at all), and it usually follows something along the lines of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, We Know.

So to see this almost primal scene of a dad defending his gay kid, a dad who himself has struggled to accept him…

I’ll let the video speak for itself:

Like a lot of gay men, I seem to be stuck screwing guys I don’t want to date and dating guys I don’t want to screw.

Take this guy I met playing volleyball. We went up to block a shot and we both fell down. We had a “Love Boat” moment when I grabbed his hand to help him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were penises in mine.

So we went on a date. Or rather, he went on a date. I went on a hunt. After dinner, we relaxed on my couch. My hands, looking for warmer weather, migrated south.

*“I don’t do that on the first date,”* he said, putting my hands back where they belonged.

“How about on your last?” I asked, putting my hands back where they didn’t belong.

I was kidding. Sort of. The guy was my type the way Arial is The New Yorker magazine’s type: Easy on the eyes, making you impatient to get to the end.

But as much as I liked him sexually, I didn’t feel any other connection. And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you have sex with someone you’re physically but not emotionally attracted to?

The answer, of course, is yes. Oh, God, yes. But the problem with bedding someone who wants a wedding is the pain created by mismatched intentions.

I remember him saying, “Let’s do something, dinner, a movie.”

“I can’t really do anything until eleven o’clock,” I’d tell him.

“Well, you can’t do anything at eleven o’clock at night on a weekday except have sex and go to sleep,” he’d say.

*“Exactly,”* I’d say to myself. [Read more…] about The Real Reason So Many Gay Men Are Single.

Of all the guys that have done me (and honey, the McDonald’s “Billions served” sign can’t turn fast enough to keep up with me), very few have even stroked my buns beforehand. They just expect you to throw your legs up in the air and give it to you like it’s on sale–first come first served. A girl likes a finger or a tongue now and again before she’s nailed to the mattress. Will you please tell people that a little anal foreplay goes a long way?

— Been there, sat on that

Dear Been There:
Why are you telling *me* when you can tell your partners? Don’t complain about not getting something you never asked for.

My guess, Mouth St. Helens, is that as verbose as you are, you’re embarrassed to ask for what you want. You’re probably keeping your trap shut because you sense a certain ambivalence in your partners. Guys who like topping often have a love/hate relationship with anal sex. They like the feeling of fucking a guy but they don’t want to think about the realities of where that feeling’s coming from. Let’s face it, candy’s dandy but fudge is a drudge. A condom-wrapped dick in someone’s butt is one thing, but a finger or a tongue? They start thinking of what usually comes out of that hole, not what’s about to go in it. That’s why so many want to stick it in as fast as possible.

If you sense discomfort in your partner, let him know you’re clean down there. Keep him focused on the love part of the love/hate equation. Often, showering together is a great way of softening his resistance and, ahem, stiffening his resolve.

It’s harder to ask for butt play than a blowjob in part because there aren’t any laugh-proof euphemisms for it. If you say, “I’d love it if you’d go down on me” everybody knows what you mean. If you say, “I’d love it if you’d toss my salad” the guy might head for the kitchen and start chopping tomatoes.

And you can’t just put your ass in someone’s face and say, “lick it.” Not unless you’re a hedge fund manager addressing the rest of the country. If you’re too shy to say something then try directing him. Put lube in his hands and guide them to your butt. If he tries to stick Willie in right away, then play “Show & Tell.” Say, “Wait, hold on a minute. Here’s the best way of getting me ready.” Then take his lubed fingers and gently put them on your sphincter and guide them into the positions, speed and pressure that turn you on.

As for getting a little tongue action, it takes a little more work and a lot more reciprocation, since most guys would rather be the tossed than the tosser. There’s also a real health concern—Hepatitis A & B—that should be respected. Make sure you and your partner have both been vaccinated before you do anything. If you’re good to go, go first. It’ll buy you a lot of frequent eater points. Once you kiss him “everywhere,” the combination of natural reciprocity, implied obligation and a teensy bit of guilt takes over.
And then it’s just a matter of whispering my two favorite words: MY TURN.

Don’t ever be afraid to ask for what you want. Most guys like a little direction. And if they’re really into you, they’ll be grateful. After all, half the pleasure of sex is watching your partner dial 911 and whisper, “he’s killing me.”