QUESTION:

I have so much better luck meeting guys online than offline that I’ve completely given up going to bars.  I’m 48, very healthy, active, good looking, and blessed to look 35.

Here’s my problem:  When I put with my true age on my profile I get no responses.  Absolutely zero.  It doesn’t matter if it’s Manhunt (my favorite) or gay.com (my least favorite) or all the other ones in between.  If I lie and place the exact same words and pictures (only this time saying I’m 35), I get lots of responses.  LOTS.  It’s the exact same me…only the real me gets zip and the dishonest me gets plenty.  I’m at a loss as to how to proceed.  Even people my own age don’t respond to my 48 year-old ads, but they respond to my 35-year-old ads.  I think the whole gay community is fucked up.

I don’t believe in being dishonest.  I don’t want to start a relationship where the first thing I say is a lie.  I don’t even want a one night stand if I have to be dishonest to get it.  But I also don’t want to be without sex for extended periods of time.  What should I do?

—  Truth or Dare?

 

 

Dear Truth:

Dude, I dedicated my first book to a friend for “teaching me how to lie about my age.”  If you think I’m going to tell you to grow a moral spine, you got the wrong guy.

 

The thing is, I understand your dilemma.  Gay men have a phobia about age.  Whatever you say after forty they hear as a communicable disease.  So if you say “I’m forty-three” they hear “forty-leprosy.”  They’re more afraid of catching age than AIDS.

 

So here’s my advice: Lie.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m advising you to lie.  It’s an indispensable tool for living.   You literally could not function in this world without lying.  Check out Jim Carrey’s movie, “Liar, Liar” if you want to see how constantly telling the truth can ruin your life.

 

All lies are not created equal.  Some are harmless, some are harmful.  Learn the difference. You’ve equated lying about your age with, say, lying about [Read more…] about How To Lie About Your Age On Men Seeking Men Sites

QUESTION:

I was at the bar over the weekend hawkin’ on a hottie.  I thought it was going great—the convo was flowing, he let me buy him some drinks, but closing time and no dice.   Not even his digits.  Later, a friend goes, “Are you kidding me?  You couldn’t tell he wasn’t interested?  Dude, his body language was saying “go away” from the moment you said hello!”  So here’s my question—what kind of body language signs should I look for?

— Shot Down

Dear Shot Down:

There are 5 principles to reading body language.  Memorize them—they’ll serve you well on your next visit to a bar or party:

 

#1. Words lie, bodies don’t.

The truth leaks out of our bodies like a pockmarked water pail. As soon as we put a finger in one hole another one opens up. You may think you look calm, cool and collected, but look down– your foot’s tapping the floor like a woodpecker. Sexual signals bounce all over the place whenever gay men get together, and they’re being sent with heads, eyes, arms, hands, legs, and feet. Yes, feet. Long story, keep reading.

 

#2. Your body language changes when you see somebody hot. And you’re usually not aware of it.

Hidden camera studies show that a man’s posture changes when he sees somebody that turns him on. He, or more to the point, YOU, will:

1. Pull your stomach. (To look sleeker)
2. Throw your shoulders back (to occupy more space)
3. Puff up your chest (to look bigger)
4. Lift your head (To look taller)
5. Protrude your jaw (to look more dominant)

 

It’s a form of preening. Researchers call it “Auto-erotic signaling.”

[Read more…] about Five Body Language Signs To Watch Out For In Gay Bars

QUESTION:

Last month I met some flight attendant who regularly flies into my hometown.  We had dinner and afterwards we go up to my place where things got hot and heavy.  We’re kissing, scratching tonsils with our tongues and our hands are all over each other.  I make my move and I guess he gets insulted that I tried to board him without the proper ticketing or something.   He was like, “I don’t have sex on the first date.”  I’m thinking, “Who is this Winged Whore kidding?  This is a hookup, not a date!”  So I get forceful.  I was like, “Nobody meets a stranger online without wanting sex, you fucking Air Mattress.”  And with that I hauled off and smacked him to the ground.  I would have fucked him right then and there but luckily I came to my senses and just threw him out of the apartment.

So I have two questions:  First, why are so many guys such prick-teases?  Second, how do I keep my anger about this in check?  There’s something about a guy refusing to have sex after a heavy make-out session that makes me go berserk.

—  Mad as Hell

Dear Mad:

Why are all these guys such prick-teases?  Because they’re going out with such a prick.

If I were the Sky Witch I would’ve opened the emergency door at thirty thousand feet and pushed you off.  And if that didn’t work I would have jumped out myself.

Clearly, you’re doing something wrong if you can’t get a flight attendant to fuck you.  I mean, one kiss and it’s heels-to-Jesus with those guys.

The reason guys leave you boiling at the bedpost is because, like a fart in a perfume store, you have an odor of entitlement that stinks up the place.  Nobody owes you sex even if they’ve kissed you or fondled your wallet at dinner.

Here’s why I think you’re doing it:  You’re a spoiled little shit who’s been catered to all his life.  You’re not used to people saying no to you because you’ve always gotten what you’ve always wanted.  Like a two-year-old, the word “no” ENRAGES you.

Make no mistake about it; you have a serious problem.  It’s not unreasonable to want sex after a date, even to anticipate it.  But the appropriate response to being denied sex is disappointment, not rage.

You need a therapist to figure out why sex is the only thing that validates you with other guys.  Their company, their kisses, their attention don’t seem to mean shit to you.  Only their willingness to have sex satisfies you.

If you’re not willing to get therapy then I have two options for you:

1)  Wear a red neon sign over your head that blinks “Put Out or Get Out.” At least that way your ‘dates’ know what they’re in for.  And, no, you can’t have mine.  Get your own.

2)  Make an attempt to change yourself. Ask yourself why you’re so angry.  Learn a little empathy.  How would you feel if you changed your mind about somebody and they tried to force you to have sex?  As a formative exercise, ask guys out and YOU be the one to decline sex.  Learn to enjoy a man’s company whether he puts out or not.

Q:

I’ve been having no-strings sex with this guy for like, 2 years.  Every month or so he comes over, we play hide the salami, he takes a shower and that’s about it.  But lately, we’ve been doing it more often and actually having decent conversations at the end of our sessions.  Well, guess what?  I’m falling for him.  I want to ask him out on a date but I’m not sure how or whether I should.  On the one hand, I don’t want to scare him off and ruin the chance of getting laid regularly, but on the other, I want to take this to the next level.  What’s the best way of turning a fuck buddy into a boyfriend?

A:

You may as well try turning Clay Aiken into a top.   Fuck buddies are about being involved; boyfriends are about being committed.   Think of it like a sausage and eggs breakfast–the chicken was involved; the pig was committed. Your fuck buddy’s eggs are involved and now you want his sausage committed?   Good luck.

Still, it *is* possible to convert him from a penis that’s attached to nobody special to somebody special with an attached penis.   The best way to up the odds is to play it cool.    That means:

*  No Heart-To-Heart Talks. If you call him up and say, “We need to talk,” it better be about switching lubes or trying new positions.  Don’t get me wrong—you *do* need to talk.  A lot, actually.  Just not about your feelings.  Figure out what he likes outside the bedroom and bring it up.  You need to establish a bond with him that doesn’t involve sex.

*  Invest In Bottle Openers. You want him as loose as your morals and the best way to do that is to ply him with liquor.  You don’t want him just listening—you want him talking.  And alcohol will make his mouth as promiscuous as Paris Hilton’s publicist.  Start the pouring before you head for the bed or after you’re done.  The point is to get to know each other better. [Read more…] about How To Turn A Sex Buddy Into A Boyfriend

Q: I use all the dating sites I can to harvest a few dates, but I’m not having much luck. Is there some kind of code that I can’t seem to crack? Why am I only attracting freaks, flakes and femmes? I’m wondering if you would take a look at my profile and tell me how I could improve it. — Desperate for better hits

Dear Desperate: I looked at your profile. You couldn’t attract men if you wore magnets. You’re doing so many things wrong I hardly know where to start. So rather than pick your profile apart (the Rapture would come before I finished) let me just give you some of the rules for meeting higher quality guys.

They’re taken from my brand new men seeking men online ebook: Attract Hotter Guys Online. The Secrets To Making Yourself Irresistible on Gay Dating Sites.

[Read more…] about Advice For Men Seeking Men On The Gay Dating Sites

Q:

I’ve been told that I shake hands like a Viking. When I softened it I was accused of shaking hands like a limp Tilapia. Then I changed it again and somebody I shook hands like a dog (whatever that means). Bottom line it for me: What’s the best way to shake hands when you first meet somebody you’re interested in?

— Palmer

A.

When guys think about the body language they should use in gay bars and parties they pretty much think that as long as they’re not frowning or crossing their arms they’re okay.

But gay body language–the subconscious, nonverbal communication that gay men use to signal their attraction–is far more complicated. It involves gestures, postures, even what you wear. But perhaps the most powerful aspect about body language that gay men need to pay attention to is touch.

A simple handshake can up your odds of getting a man, a date or a phone number.
Here’s why: [Read more…] about The Art Of The Sexy Handshake

Q:

Dear Don’t Get It:
If people were any more stupid about safe sex we’d have to water them twice a week. But you know what? I agree with your anger but not with your logic. Follow it and you’re a breath away from saying, “If you got infected because you didn’t wear a condom then it’s your fault and you don’t deserve help.” Bullshit. When emergency workers pull out dead or injured people out of car crashes do they blame the victims for not wearing seat belts? Do they refuse to help them?

The standard reasons experts give about rising infections center around Plague Fatigue and misplaced “AIDS Optimism” (believing that HIV’s manageable and a cure is just around the corner), but there’s also a few other reasons: [Read more…] about Why is it so hard to wear a condom?

Hey, Mike:
I’ve got a really embarrassing problem: Bad breath. I’m talking paint-peeling breath. Nothing works. I brush my teeth, floss, use mouthwashes, and pop Altoids constantly and people still put clothespins on their noses when I talk. You can imagine what it’s doing to my sex life. Help!

— Wilter

Dear Wilter:
The worst part of having bad breath is that most people don’t know they have it. You can’t tell by breathing into your cupped hands because the body gets used to its own odors. The only way you can tell is if your partner’s teeth duck every time you lean in for a kiss.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to improve your breath, but first some background. Your breath smells like the business end of a donkey because you’re not getting rid of the food particles stuck in your teeth and gums. Those particles produce odor-causing Volatile Sulfur Compounds (VSC). Assuming your brushing and flossing regularly, here’s what you need to do: [Read more…] about How To Cure Bad Breath