General

Q:

It’s so easy for you to pass judgment on people who refuse to sleep with HIV+ guys.  You’ve been adamant that man-to-man oral sex will not lead to infection.  Well, if you’re so sure about it answer me this:  Would you, woody, go down on a guy that you KNEW was HIV +?

—  Need to know

Dear Need:

I have to admit I’ve agonized over your question because it forces me to reconcile my professional answers with my personal behavior.  And you know, sometimes the two don’t match.  Not because I’m hypocritical but because I’m human.  I have done some very stupid, unsafe things and that is exactly why people listen to me—because I aspire to progress without pretending to be perfect.

Professionally I know I have a better chance of getting hit by a bus than getting hit by an infection if I went down on a poz guy, but personally, would I do it?   I can’t answer because it’s an unfair question.  I don’t do hypotheticals unless you give me real-world situations.

Would I go down on a positive guy?  Well, tell me… [Read more…] about Should You Sleep With An HIV Positive Guy?

Q:

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket).  Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem.  I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much.  It’s very embarrassing.  It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt.  I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church.  Any advice for people like me?

—  Spikot

Dear Spikot:

Well, you’re not alone.  About 8 million Americans — almost 3% of the population — suffers from excessive sweating.  It’s called hyperhidrosis, a condition that causes excessive sweating in your pits, face, feet, hands and groin.

It’s not unusual for somebody with hyperhidrosis to sweat through a T-shirt, shirt and jacket even when they’re in a cool room.  Some guys only wear black because it’s the one color that doesn’t show stains under the arms.  And even though they’re not drag queens, some guys bring different outfits to change into throughout the day. Listen, we’ve all met people like you.  We hate shaking your hand. [Read more…] about The Gay Dating Nightmare: Excessive Sweating During A Date

You met the love of your life. (Again) Time to text. But what?

“How are you?”

“Nice to meet you?”

Yes, show them you have the personality of a Kansas zip code.

You start typing and … BRAIN FART! You can’t think of anything clever! You’re as nervous as Paris Hilton on Jeopardy. You’re shaking like a martini. You get “texter’s block.” You don’t know what to do.

Relax, here are my top ten flirty text messages you can send to your future ex-wife or husband. Not all of these funny text messages are instant, out-of-the-box, copy-paste-and-send creatures–you’ll have to modify them to your situation. But even if you can’t use them as is (or at all) they’ll help ignite ideas.

Whether you’re texting a girl or a guy, always be mindful of how they’re feeling about you. At the risk of stating the obvious, you shouldn’t send a flirty text to somebody who’s demonstrably lukewarm to you. They’ll shut you down faster than a unionized WalMart.

The 10 best flirty texts below are taken from my private collection (yes, I collect them the way other people collect stamps) and they’re intended for people who are so hot for you they can hear the hiss when they think of you.

1. You: Stop!

Likely Reply: Stop what?

You: Stop thinking about me. See, you’re doing it. . right. . . now.

2. I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet.

3. You: 192y – (62*84) = 12x + 45y solve for x and then graph

Likely Reply: ???

You: You make me harder than algebra.

4. You’re so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line.

5. I’ve never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

6. I think we should just be friends with sexual tension.

7. Whenever I see you I feel like a dog dying to get out of the car.

8. If I’d have held you any closer I’d be in back of you.

9. I wish I were on Facebook so I could poke you.

10. I want you like JFK wanted a car with a roof.

Q:

Why does everybody think I’m a bottom?  The other night I got mistaken for a bottom by a bottom!  How embarrassing is that?  I’m talkative, opinionated and loud but people think I’m a bossy bottom instead of a raging top.

Anyway, some magazine compiled a list about what tops should do to be seen as tops.  Here they are:  1)  Don’t talk too much.  Good tops should be men of few words.  2)  Don’t be too energetic.  The most rambunctious guys are usually the most effeminate and whoever heard of effeminate tops?  3)  Don’t pay too much attention to what you wear.  You can’t be a top and worry about accessories.  Wear pants and a shirt that isn’t too tight.  Steer away from clothing that glitters, anything “big” (buckles, hats, shoes).  4)  Don’t use the word “cute.”  5)  Don’t wear fruity cologne.  6)  Don’t shake your groove thang, wiggle your butt to get attention.  7)  Be the pursuer, the chaser.

What do you think of the list, woody?  Do you think I should follow their advice?

—  Trying to get to the bottom of it [Read more…] about Why Does Everybody Think I’m A Bottom?

Q:

I hate one-night stands—I’m the kind that likes to go on two or three dates before I sleep with someone (the morning-after regrets are few this way).  I love the anticipation and the build-up of waiting but with some guys I’m so attracted to them it actually makes me feel a little anxious and stressed out.  Are there ‘rules of engagement’ for the first night of sex?

–  Patient but Nervous

Dear Patient:

Since I’ve never waited two or three dates to have sex, I don’t have the vaguest idea what to tell you.  Once, at the end of a first date we were sitting on my date’s couch, making out when my hands migrated south (they do that in the winter.  And spring, summer and fall.  THEY JUST LIKE THE CLIMATE DOWN THERE.)  Anyway, the guy says, “I don’t do that on the first date.”  I said, “How about on your last?”

I don’t recommend that course of seduction.  It leaves awful bruises.  But here’s what I do recommend:

[Read more…] about The Rules Of Engagement For The First Night Of Sex

Q:

My boyfriend suddenly seems distant in bed—like he’s just going through the motions, if he goes through them at all.  I’m so afraid that he’s falling out of love with me.  I know I should talk to him but he’s not the talking kind and frankly, neither am I.  Do you think his change in sexual behavior is a sign that he’ll soon kick me to the curb?

—  Dead Bed

Dear Bed Head

No, I think it’s a sign that you two mutes need to talk.  The only problem silence ever solves is in the library.

Don’t assume that a lack of interest is a lack of love.  It’s not always about you.  Let me repeat that because you’re gay and all the mirrors you’re holding up probably deflected what I wrote from your eyes:  It’s not always about you.

If he’s changed the frequency, passion or interest in sex it *could* be a sign that he thinks you’re as exciting as a Kansas zip code.  But it’s most likely circumstances that changed his behavior in bed.  Take stress.  That’ll give anybody’s dick a flat tire.

I remember once working for a company that rumbled with rumors of bankruptcy.  I didn’t want to worry my boyfriend so I kept it to myself.  Actually, my dick kept to itself because no matter how many times I yelled, “Showtime, Mr. Happy!” he just wouldn’t perform.  When I finally shared the problem and my boyfriend helped me through it (the company did go bankrupt, btw), I became my old self—a lewd, loud and lecherous horn-dog who kept calling his boyfriend by the wrong name just to piss him off.

The biggest sign that something’s wrong with the relationship is if he starts taking care of himself physically but ignores you sexually.  If that’s the case don’t let the clue bat hit you in the face:  He’s fallen out of love with you and into lust with someone else.

There are smaller signs, too:

*  He fakes his orgasms by spitting on your back.

*   He suddenly thinks foreplay is a golfing term

*   He has to drink a lot before climbing in bed

*   He starts acting like an underpaid gigolo.

Remember, what your boyfriend does on the way to the bed is more important than what he does in it.  Is he still affectionate?  Does he pay attention to you?  Is he respectful?  Does he want to be *with* you as much as he wants to be *in* you?  If so, then sit down and have a chat.  Boyfriends shouldn’t just be all over each other in bed—they should be leaning on each other outside of it.  My advice?  Quit guessing and ask him if he’s stressed out about something you can help him with.

Q:

I’m 20, been out for almost five years now and I’ve never had a boyfriend.  Yes, I’ve had plenty of hookups, but I’m so over it.  They’re just not satisfying anymore, especially when they aren’t there to do it again the next night!  HA HA.  I know I’m never going to be in People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” but I don’t think I’m fugs either.  I’m 6’2, 220lbs, 34 waist, and go to the gym regularly.   Maybe I’m a hypochondriac creating male-to-male dating disorders for myself, but I’d really like to know why I’ve never been asked out, or even approached by a guy at a club, or anywhere else for that matter.  Help!

—  Single & tired of it

Dear Single:

Dude, you’re five inches taller and fifty-eight pounds heavier than most men!  At 5’9” and 162 pounds, the average guy is going to take one look at you and think he wandered into the set of Jurassic Park.

In the animal world, if something is bigger than you are, it’s probably going to eat you.  And it’s going to use a lot of teeth, no matter how much you complain.   Same applies to the social world.  Bigger men are physically intimidating.   Try approaching somebody who’s way bigger than you are and tell me how easy it is.

[Read more…] about How Come Nobody Asks Me Out?

SAME QUESTION ASKED THREE DIFFERENT WAYS.  Oy vey!

I recently read your response to “Tired,” a man who was confused by his friend labeling himself as bisexual when, according to “Tired,” his friend was, in fact, gay.  I found your response disrespectful to “Tired’s” friend and disgustingly biphobic.  What right do you or “Tired” think you have to determine his friend’s sexual orientation or question his self-label?

—  buh-bi

HI, MIKE
Yet another gay or straight “expert” pronounces that bisexual people don’t exist.  Or at the very least, that bisexual men don’t exist.  It’s very funny to us in the bi community whenever we hear this pronouncement.  In fact, in my bisexual discussion group that has been running for over 12 years, we are always complaining there are too many guys.  Why are you monosexuals so freaked out that some people can actually love and lust after people of more than one gender?
—  buh-bi 2

Hey Mike!

In response to your advice given in “Bye, Bi Myth” I have to say that you are surely entitled to your opinion, and I appreciate that you do at least label your opinion as opinion.  But, your article is still very disappointing.  Had you clicked a couple more links while researching the NY Times article you would have seen responses from GLADD, the HRC, and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force condemning the article.

—  buh-bi 3

Hey, mike!

The study you quoted involving the penis sensors has been peer reviewed as being faulty. Having taken courses in psychological statistics, I know that creating and running an accurate research study is difficult at best.  To deny someone’s sexuality whom you have never met is something I find reprehensible.  There is a reason that second-hand information is not allowed as legal testimony in a court case. There is enough bias from the straight community without getting it from the gay and lesbian community too.

— buh-bi 4

Dear buh-bi’s:

My last column gave the unfortunate impression that I was a “bisexual denier.”  For that I apologize.  I absolutely believe bisexuality in men exists.  Hell, I had a boyfriend who started dating women after he broke up with me!

Still, I’m sticking to the essence of what I said in the previous column:  Bisexuality is rare in men.  But before you start jamming the comment line again, realize that if “rare” is even one half of one percent, that’s still millions of people when you consider the world’s population.

The truth is [Read more…] about Gay Dating Question: Do Bisexuals Exist Or Are They Lying?

QUESTION:

I was on Manhunt, the hookup site when I hit on a size queen.  Please read my transcript—I’ve got some questions!

Me: Dude, you are SO my type.  Let’s hook up.

Uinmymouth.cum: How big?

Me: Come over and measure it.

Uinmymouth: LOL.

Me: Come on, man, we live in the same neighborhood.  Let’s hook up.

Uinmymouth: Cool, but how big are you?

Me: Never measured myself.

Uinmymouth: Well, you must have some idea.

Me: Why are you asking me something I could so easily lie about?  I could tell you 9 inches and how would you know until you unzipped my pants?

Uinmymouth: You’re right and if you’re not WELL above average I would leave—so don’t waste your time if you’re small or average.

Me: Wow.  So, even though you think I’m hot and even if there’s great chemistry when we meet you’re out the door if I unzip and turn out to be average?  Or even bigger than average but not WELL above average?

Uinmymouth: Yep.  Might as well be honest—that’s why I asked.

Me: It’s honest; I’ll give you that.

Uinmymouth: ;>)

Me: And you, pray tell, must have at least 8 inches, right?  Otherwise, you’re going to be very embarrassed when I unzip you.

Uinmymouth: Yes, it’s honest.  And I’m bigger than 8 inches, btw. [Read more…] about How To Answer Rude Questions On Men Seeking Men Sites