General

Q:

After years of muffled lovemaking because of the kids we adopted, my partner and I haven’t had much time or opportunity for spontaneous hanky-panky.  But now that they’re gone most of the year (boarding school) my partner and I have the house to ourselves.  Problem:  He’s boring as all fuck.  How can I get him to rediscover our pre-children passion?

— Bored but Horny

 

Dear Bored:

Ask him.  If he says he doesn’t know, tell him what I tell couples on our TV show:  “Make it up.”  It’ll take the pressure off of giving the answer he thinks he’s supposed to give and free his imagination to connect with his true desires.  Asking him what he needs and wants is critical.  You’re not going to know where to go or what to do unless he gives you directions.  The same goes for you.  You need to tell him what you want so he knows what to say “NO” to. [Read more…] about Sex After The Kids Are Gone

Q:

My boyfriend and I sleep in separate beds.  Most of my friends think this is weird and predict our relationship is doomed.  Do you think it’s true?  They’re saying we don’t really love each other.

—  Sleeping Soundly

 

Well, it all depends on why you’re not sleeping together.  If it’s because he smells like road kill or because you’re banishing him to the couch for screwing the pool boy AGAIN, then, yeah, you’ll probably break up.  But there are lots of happy couples that don’t sleep together.  According to the National Sleep Foundation, 25% of couples don’t share their mattresses.  You can have a great relationship in bed without actually sleeping in it.  “Separately-bedroomed” couples usually go to bed together, have sex, cuddle, talk, fantasize about the new guy at the gym—you know, the usual things gay couples talk about—and then one partner gets up and sleeps in another bedroom.

 

When they wake up, one gets out of his bed and climbs onto the other one’s to cuddle, have sex and talk about the new guy at the gym.

 

Why do some couples sleep separately?  Usually one partner snores too loudly, likes a wildly different room temperature, or simply gets more restful sleep when they’re alone.  Unless you know why a couple is sleeping separately you shouldn’t rush to judgment.  That’s my job.

Q:

I’m a big believer in “reading” signs.  Sometimes what looks to be a good sign turns bad and vice versa.  What do you think are the most common misinterpreted signs between gay couples?

—  Signologist

 

 

Dear Signologist:

 

Here are my top three misperceived “bad signs”:

 

1. Your partner no longer gets dressed up for dates anymore.

 

Most guys think he’s lost interest.   I say he’s lost his will to shop.  Or, more likely, he’s showing how comfortable he is around you.  You dress up to impress.  You dress down to decompress.  What bigger compliment can you get than to have someone say, “That I’m with you is more important than what’s on me.”

[Read more…] about Common Communication Problems Between Gay Couples

Q:

I’ve been dating this cute, Cute, CUTE hottie that I’ve fallen head over heels over.  The problem is, he doesn’t feel the same way I do.  I know he likes me and wants to go out because he calls and often initiates the dates.  But it’s been 4 months now and he’s still waffling.  “I’m not sure what I’m feeling for you,” he said.  And on top of that he said, “I haven’t totally worked out my feelings about my ex or this other guy I used to be fuck-buddies with.”   Woody, how do I get this guy, who I KNOW is my soul mate, to see the light and date me exclusively?

—  Puzzled yet Pissed

Dear Puzzled:

Christ, I hate questions like this because it forces me to think.  It’s so much easier to write about giving good hand-jobs.

 

Look, my advice is not going to be pretty, but if you follow it I promise you’ll clamp the old ball and chain on him.  The way you get the guy is to stop trying to get him.  Nature abhors a vacuum.  If you create a space between you and him, one of two things will happen:  He’ll step forward to fill it in or he’ll step backward and make it disappear.

 

You create that space by doing three things: [Read more…] about How To Get The Ambivalent Guy

Q:

I suspect I have been delusional for a long time, thinking that Mr. Right was just around the corner, and I would live some fairy tale like in the movie, An Affair to Remember, except I would actually make it to the Eiffel Tower.  I’m lonely and haven’t dated in a long time.  I turned 42 this year and I’ve internalized from our goddamned community that I’m too old.  I have been HIV positive for what feels like 100 years, and it’s really scary for me to come forward and face the inevitable rejection and abandonment that dating brings.   I also struggle with addiction and have been in recovery now for a while. I have a history of depression and I have been in countless hours of psychotherapy. In other words, I have at least attempted at reducing a bit of my baggage.  I have been in the gym for 20 years and have a great body.  On the outside you would assume everything was wonderful.  I’m a professional, close to getting a PhD, own a house, and a great car.  Some say I am a catch and some days I believe it.  I know that I’m not the only HIV positive, forty-something gay man out there that’s lonely, tired of the online bullshit, the bathhouse and the adult bookstores.  I want a little love, that’s all.  Do you think it’s too late?

—  Lonely and Depressed

[Read more…] about How Lonely Gay Men Can Meet The Right Guy

I saw this chick on TV recently talking about how to get a boyfriend to the altar.  She basically said getting engaged is lot like buying a new car.  She was hilarious and actually reminded me of you the way she used humor to hold facts at gunpoint.  Only point of difference being that SHE WAS FUNNY AND YOU’RE NOT.  Ha, ha, a taste of your own medicine.  Anyway, reason I’m writing is that she actually referenced you.  Do you know her personally?  And do you agree with her?  Do you really believe you can get a guy the way you’d get a car?

—  Fascinated

Dear Fascinated:

Yes, I know the happy-go-lucky, isn’t-the-world-great, I-got-a-marriage-proposal-at-the-top-of-the-Eiffel-Tower Dating Nazi.  Is there anything more annoying than a woman who’s got it all and tells you everything?

 

Actually, I love Lisa Daily, the “Director of Love” at Cupid.com and author of Stop Getting Dumped!  True, I rarely take her advice but I quote her often.  And really, isn’t that the best compliment a hypocrite like me could pay?

 

So I rang her up the other day and asked her what the hell you were blabbering about:

 

Mike:  What’s this shit you’re peddling that banging a guy is like buying a car?

 

Lisa:  You idiot.  I said, “Marrying a guy is like buying a car.”

 

Mike:  oh.

 

Lisa:  Look, if a guy in a plaid polyester suit and a bad rug can get your man to sign on the dotted line, so can you.  Well, maybe not YOU, Mike, but most people with, you know, a personality. [Read more…] about Why Gay Dating Is Like Buying A Used Car

Q:

Do you think I should be honest about how many sexual partners I’ve had? It’s not like my new boyfriend is ever going to meet them (well, at least most of them!) and I think whether they deny it or not, deep down men don’t like the thought that their partner has had lots of men.

—  No Virgin

 

 

Dear No Virgin:

Couples dive in dangerous waters when they ask about their partner’s sexual history.  Friends may be impressed that you need a logarithm to figure out how many parts you’ve poked but potential partners will most likely be appalled.  Which frankly, seems a bit strange to me.  I love to hear my boyfriend’s past exploits.  It doesn’t bother me because I’m more concerned about our future than his past.  Besides, there’s a curious double standard going on.  Guys want their partners to be great in bed, but they don’t want to hear what it takes:   Practice!

 

Unless you’re pretty sure of his reaction, I would avoid the conversation at all costs.  If he asks, then duck, dodge and weave.  The best way is to simply say, “You know, I make it a personal policy not to talk or ask about past relationships.   Nothing good has ever come of it.  I’d so much rather talk about *our* sex life.”

 

 

If he’s insistent, then you KNOW he’s going to have a fit if the number is north of what he considers acceptable.  All the more reason not to tell him.   But if you feel you have to, remember the best defense is a good offense.  Ask him what number is acceptable to him.  What number keeps you in the  “good girl” category and what number cages you in the “slut” pen?   If he gives you a number, then you’ve got to decide if you want a relationship that requires lying to keep the peace.

Q:

My boyfriend told me I’m not very ‘erotic.’  I asked what he meant but he says he can’t explain it—“it’s just a thing you either have or don’t have.”  I’m pissed off at him for being so hurtful but then again, I’m the one who insisted on being honest with each other.  So how do I become more ‘erotic?’

—  Honesty sucks

 

Dear Honesty:

I wouldn’t be mad at your boyfriend for being honest; I’d be mad at him for being such a prick.  I mean, what the hell kind of thing is that to say to your partner—“You’re not very erotic.”

 

First lesson in constructive sex talk:  Never [Read more…] about How To Tell Your Partner He’s Rubbish In Bed.

Q:

My new boyfriend smells down there.  I’ve suggested showers before sex but no go— I still have to wear a clothespin on my nose if I get anywhere near his crotch. This is going to be a real deal-breaker.  In every other way I’m so into him, but how do you have a love life without inhaling?

—  Gasping

 

Dear Gasping:

It’s not his odor that’s killing your sex life; it’s your silence.  The body grows accustomed to its own odors, so he most likely doesn’t know there’s a paper-peeling smell coming from his crotch.  He’s either uncircumcised and not cleaning well under the foreskin or he’s got a yeast infection.  Yes, men get them too.  It’s called Balinitis.  It occurs mostly in diabetics and uncircumcised men.  You can get it through trauma or minor injury to the foreskin and penis.  And by trauma, I don’t mean the kind where the ugly one in the 3-way whispers “save the best for me.”  I mean the kind of trauma that comes from excessive masturbation.

 

But mostly, male yeast infections come from bad hygiene.  To avoid that yucky yeasty feeling, wash your penis every day with soap and water.

 

So back to the fun part:  How to tell your partner he smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket.   Start the conversation by telling him how much you enjoy making love.  Christ, did I say “making love?”  I meant, FUCKING.  Then show concern and say, “Honey, I’m worried that you might have a problem down there.  You’re not smelling very, uhm, *fresh* and that’s usually a sign of an infection.”  Yes, he’ll be embarrassed but then he’ll be grateful.  What man wouldn’t trade a few minutes of embarrassment for a lifetime of great oral?