An Online Weight Loss Course Promises Better Sex

 

Better sex through weight loss?

Any scientist will tell you that there is a clear relationship between BMI and sexual function. The heavier you are the more you risk sexual dysfunction. So it stands to reason that if you’re overweight, the best thing you can do for your sex life is to lose some poundage. 

Easier said than done. The scientific literature is littered with systematic reviews showing that dieting doesn’t work.

So what are you supposed to do if you can’t lose weight through dieting? 

Intuitive eating or mindful eating shows a lot of promise. Their main premise is that if you pay attention to your body, honor your hunger, and stop resisting your cravings (because what resists persists) then it will be easier to achieve a healthy weight.

The problem with intuitive eating or mindful eating or conscious eating– however you want to describe these systems, is that they’re not actually meant for weight loss. They’re meant for improving the dysfunctional relationship you may have with food. It often results in weight loss but very often it doesn’t.

So we were intrigued with a new online weight loss program that takes a science-based approach to mindful eating. You might actually describe it as “intuitive eating for weight loss.” Called Neuroslim, it claims you can lose weight by reshaping your eating habits.

So instead of dieting, you change the way you approach food. A great example that we were impressed with is the use of rituals. Apparently, there is a fair amount of scientific evidence that if you conduct a pre-meal ritual– like ringing a Tibetan singing bowl or saying a prayer you will eat less and more slowly. That in turn results in weight loss over time. Why? Because a ritual curves impulsivity, makes you more mindful and slows down the eating.

We are particularly impressed with the use of a Kourtney Kardashian video in which she shows you how to eat a KitKat ritualistically. The Neuroslim online weight loss program actually explains the science behind why eating slowly fills you up faster. If you or someone you love is struggling with weight issues you should definitely have them check out the course.

We’re More Afraid Of Catching Age Than Aids

 

If you say “I am forty-three” people will hear “I have leprosy.”

 

Guest Blogger Tony Thompson on how 30 is the new 70.

There is no bigger cosmic joke on humanity than aging. It’s a universally non-biased experience laden with irony.  One moment it’s congratulating you on your successes (a promotion at work), then the next moment it’s reminding you that you’ll die someday (you find your first gray pubic hair).

It’s proof not only that there is a God, but that he has a wicked sense of humor.  For example, by the time you can actually afford to drink in martini bars, your body can no longer tolerate alcohol like it could when you were young and poor.  Or by the time you actually start to see the world as a beautiful place full of grace and understanding, you’re old and no one cares how you see anything.

Gay men struggle more with age than any other pocket of the population. While most straight people resign themselves to physical collapse at age 30, gay men on this birthday MUST begin working out regularly, otherwise they are no longer allowed to attend Gay Pride parades or watch “Project Runway.” I was at a 30th birthday party once for someone whose friends purchased him a gym membership. How’s that for unconditional love?

Although we gays fight aging with more purpose and drive than the Allied had when defeating the Germans, we are all still fully aware that it’ll happen. We use three gauges to measure our marches from Twink to Sugar Daddy:

[Read more…] about We’re More Afraid Of Catching Age Than Aids

Is Your Body Image Getting In The Way of Your Sex Life?

 

If it were true that losing weight improved body image, studies would show that thinner people are more satisfied with the way their body looks than normal weight people.  But they aren’t.  Studies consistently show that underweight folks are nearly as dissatisfied with their bodily appearance as normal or overweight people.  

Nobody is immune to distorted body perceptions–not ordinary people who force themselves to eat dust for dinner nor supermodels that treat cocaine as a food group.  This is how bad the situation is:  Slender men and women consistently overestimate their body size more than heavier ones!  There are talent agencies that don’t even bother putting their models on a plane; they just fax them to the photo shoot.  Yet these walking sheets of paper have something in common with the truly overweight–they think their butts are too big.

So do professional ballet dancers.  Who doesn’t envy these petite flowers?  If anyone knows more about their bodies, it’s dancers who scrutinize their physical appearance for a living.  Yet one famous survey showed ballerinas significantly over-estimated their true percent of body fat!

The fact that thinner people may have an even worse body image than you do is difficult to grasp.  It violates one of your deepest beliefs–that if you lost weight you’d feel better about your body.  But it’s true.  Losing weight rarely results in an uptick in body confidence because nearly all gay men are dissatisfied with their bodies.  In the past five years, researchers have come to the conclusion that body dissatisfaction is so widespread that they’ve labeled the phenomenon “normative discontent.” 

In English, it means body dissatisfaction is the new normal.  It is now standard and predictive that most people have a negative body image–no matter how skinny or how fat they are.  It is now normal for most people to diet and try to lose weight, even if they objectively don’t need to.  Even if it’s medically dangerous for them to try.

But What If You Really Are Fat?

Then you should lose weight.  But not because you’ll feel better about your body; because you’ll feel better period.  Remember, an over-all sense of well-being is more important to sexual fulfillment than body image.  It’s hard to see how the health consequences of being overweight contributes to well-being.  

You should not rely on your own opinion to decide if you should lose weight.  Your ability to make an informed decision is too compromised by your desire to look like those media models.  Instead, use the tool preferred by most physicians–BMI.   While there are real problems associated with BMI if you’re shorter or more muscular than average, there is no better, independent way of figuring out your weight status, outside of going to a doctor. 

Use the National Institute For Health’s automatic BMI calculator or a BMI chart produced by any reputable medical organization.  If you find yourself outside the healthy weight category (defined as a BMI over 24.9) it’s time to change your eating and exercise habits. 

Notice I didn’t say “it’s time to diet.”  That’s because dieting doesn’t work.  Depending on which systematic review of dieting’s effectiveness you look at, the failure rate is somewhere between 80 and 95%!

Instead of dieting, try changing the eating habits that contribute to weight gain.  There are hundreds of scientific studies showing, for example, how to stop making yourself hungry, how to eat less without feeling deprived and how to train yourself to crave fruits and vegetables.  The best program we’ve seen is an online weight loss class called Neuroslim. It relies on scientists outside the diet industry for its techniques.

Okay, next week we’re going to talk about how to improve your body image so that it adds, rather than detracts, from your love life.

 

 

Who Gets Custody Of The Friends When You Break Up?

 

Facebook has been bitch-smacking me with severe bouts of nostalgia. A recent blast from my past came from Bobby, best friend to my ex when I lived in L.A. another lifetime ago. It’s been at least eight years and BAM! here he shows up on my virtual doorstep, requesting my permission to become friends, again. After we got through the routine Q&A exchanges to somehow pick up where we left off, Bobby and I have re-established a friendship of surprising substance and depth. This online reunion was for me a shot at redemption.

I know it sounds like trite, throwaway sentiment to say that I wish Bobby and I had kept in better touch after I left my relationship all those years ago. Expressing regret can sound so fucking pathetic, especially when you know you could have done something to avoid it. Looking back I’m kinda pissed with myself for giving up on our friendship and for giving in to those stupid Rules about proprietary friendships — that unspoken but understood pre-nuptial social agreement between couples.

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT WITH YOUR PARTNER’S/BOYFRIEND’S/GIRLFRIEND’S FRIENDS:

• Friends of your partner may become your friends, just so long as you don’t spend more time with them than your partner does. Especially if you’re mildly attracted to them. Hear that calling in the distance? That’s Trouble whistling.  [Read more…] about Who Gets Custody Of The Friends When You Break Up?

He Moved On, You Didn’t, He Sucks

 

I’ve heard that the city in which I live, Chicago, has the most gay people per capita than any other city in America. Then why, I often wonder, despite my living in this vast gay wonderland, do I seemingly run into the same douche bag ex-boyfriend everywhere that I go?

I have never experienced a “good” break up. I have friends who are on speaking terms with their ex’s, and I observe these situations with the same curiosity I’d exhibit were I to stumble upon two aliens having sex. What the hell is going on? How do you do that? Generally, a break up is caused by someone wanting to rid their everyday lives of someone else. Break ups are rarely mutual decisions. What I have never understood is the level of maturity required to forgive someone who has decided that they would rather risk dying alone than contend with you on a daily basis.

[Read more…] about He Moved On, You Didn’t, He Sucks

Flicker Sex:  The Fix For A Low Libido

Ask any fireman…a spark is all you need to make a spectacle out of wood.

 

QUESTION

You have to help me. You are my last resort. I am 25, and have the sex drive of an 18-year-old. My boyfriend of almost 7 years is 32, and has the sex drive of a 60-year-old. It seems like the only time we have sex is when he is in the mood, or when I am almost “forcing” him to. I can usually get him into the mood by doing different things to seduce him, but he is never the one to initiate sex. We have tried several different things, with no improvement. What can we do to get his sex drive up to where it should be?

— Horny

Dear Horny:
At 32, he should be stuffing you like a Thanksgiving turkey every time you gobble. I seriously doubt there’s a medical problem but you gotta start there. My advice isn’t going to work for something like diabetes or low testosterone. Honestly, I’m not that good.

Have him bring a list of all medicines he’s taking, prescription or not. Everyone knows anti-depressants can heave your ‘ho right out the door, but did you know that popular over-the-counter drugs like Tagamet, Zantac, Benadryl and Aleve may do it too? Any drug that affects your hormones, nerves or blood circulation has the potential to make Willy Nilly.

If he goes to the doctor and finds out you’re the only problem he’s got, then here’s what he needs to do:

1. Have ‘Flicker Stage’ Sex. High libido people report dramatic stirrings in their stomachs (among other places) while low libido people don’t. That means horn-dogs like you get dramatic physiological triggers (raging hard-ons) that demand a response. Or at least, a mouth. But low libido guys don’t get those kind of noticeable cues. Typically, they don’t get hard *until* they have sex. Even when they’re turned on, they’re more likely to feel burning coals than raging fires. That’s why it’s important that he initiate sex on the slightest impulse. Ask any fireman—a spark is all you need to turn wood into a spectacle.

2. Don’t wait for the mood to strike, strike into the mood. Imagine going to the gym only when you felt like it. You’d get so fat waiters would hand you an estimate. To prevent that most people have a routine—they knock back an energy drink, crank up the music, and do a few warm-ups. Just like your boyfriend figured out how to get himself to the gym when he doesn’t feel like pumping iron, he’s gotta figure out how he gets himself to bed when he doesn’t feel like pumping you.

He can start by telling you what makes him hot under the collar. Is it a massage? Porn? Sudoku? Whatever it is, get good at it. If you want more sex, you’ve got to get better at making his cucumber rise out of the salad. Pay attention to what he responds to and make mental notes. Be his idea of a great lover, not yours.

3. Have sex even when he doesn’t feel like it. Almost everybody’s experienced a time when they didn’t feel like having sex, “gave in” to their partner and ended up having the time of their lives. He needs to do that. Not always but just enough to understand you can start out not wanting it and end up not getting enough. Having sex when you’re not horny is like eating food when you’re not hungry. Sometimes a sniff of the hot dog makes you want to put the whole thing in your mouth.

With relish.

Is The Office The New Bordello?

 

I’m sure you have a lovely navel, but that doesn’t mean I want to see it at the office.

Yes, this is a rant.

At the risk of sounding like my grandmother, since when did it become acceptable to wear lingerie to work?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for bringing femininity into corporate America. I was delighted to shuck off those horrid, boxy, 1980s mini-man suits. However, had I known that relaxing the dress code would descend into visible bra straps and back fat spilling out into the copy room, I would have thought twice before giving all my little red silk bow ties to Goodwill.

If you’re over 30, well, OK maybe over 40, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Gone are the days when business casual meant khakis and a button down.

Yet while the sloppy young men in their saggy pants and in-your-face T-shirt proclamations may be annoying – (Hint: if you wouldn’t say it to your mother, I shouldn’t have to read it on your shirt) – it’s the trashy female office attire that really gets me going. Holding a job shouldn’t mean dressing like a “working girl.”

Provocative clothing at work is a frequent complaint of CEOs and HR types. It’s kind of a gray area, well, actually more like pink, beige and caramel colored. So it’s challenging for management to provide politically correct guidance.

However, since I am neither management nor politically correct, I’m going to tell it like it is: The more jiggly your body, the trashier you look when you expose it.

Case it point. If Eva “Desperate Housewives” Longoria and I both show up in the same low-cut, form-fitting halter top, she will look sophisticated and sexy, whereas I will look like an [Read more…] about Is The Office The New Bordello?

Light Is The Enemy of Beauty

 

So a bunch of my friends wanted to go to the Winter Party in South Beach. Beach party from noon to six. “Are you coming?” I was like, “NO. It’s in the daytime. Like I’m going to go to a party at NOON when the sun’s the brightest.”

I’m telling you, Light is the enemy. There’s a reason Barbara Walters is shot through cheesecloth–she doesn’t do beach scenes.

I know I’ve got a good body but it’s a constant competition because somebody will have a pec a millimeter bigger or an ab a centimeter sharper. I swear to God, that party’s on a runway not a beach.

Anyway, I constantly get questioned about my age. Everything’s fine until they look closer and ask me, “How old are you?”

Is there an uglier question you could ask?

They’ve gotta move you into a box. You know, 18 to 34, 35 to 49, 50 to DEATH. Why can’t I be judged by the content of my character rather than the wrinkles around my eyes?

When I “Get the question” sometimes I’ll get angry and say, “what’s it to you?” Other times I laugh it off. I should be expecting it and yet I don’t prepare myself for it. Damn, I gotta come up with some kind of canned laughter.

I will not go anywhere unless the lighting’s good. If I go to a restaurant, I’ll look to see which section has the lowest lighting. If I’m asked to pick the place, I’m like, “Oh, the food sucks but there’s candles!”

No, really.

Sometimes I purposefully try not to smile. And if somebody makes me laugh, it’s all over. The crow’s feet smacks me. And them. Expressionless, I look like Dorian Gray. When I smile, not so much. The wrinkles take the shape of a 5 and a 0. As in 50!

Oi vey.

You know what I can’t stand? When somebody I’m hitting on says, “I hope I look as good as you do when I’m you’re age.” Talk about a back-handed compliment.

You look so good….for your age.

What the hell does that mean–I “look good for my age!” FOR MY AGE. I feel like saying, “Gee, thanks, you look short for your age.” What the hell does age have to do anything with it? You either look good or you don’t.

I try to change the subject. When that doesn’t work I’ll say, “I’m Over 40.” But then they want an exact number, and I’m like do you want the day and time, too? I swear they look at me like I got egg timers in my eyes.

And the sand ain’t going up.

I wanna have fun while I’m this side of the dirt. Fact is I know I can’t accept my age. A lot of it is because I DON’T look my age . It’d be easier to accept it if I was fat, balding and as wrinkly as I look after a 10-minute shower. But I don’t. I’m cursed with looking younger than I am. Yes, cursed, cuz if I looked my age I wouldn’t have a choice, and choice is the curse. No choice leads to acceptance, no?

So, as long as I can get away with looking younger I’ll never accept my age. Thought: Why are older straight men thought to be “distinguished?” Please. Straight men get license to be dogs. The first and only time I feel jealous of straight guys!

Meet The Sexpert Who Doesn’t Take His Own Advice.

 

The problem with most sex and relationship experts is that they act like they never make mistakes in their own personal lives.   Of course, you read about it in the papers later on when they get divorced or get caught with a person who isn’t their spouse.  So in the spirit of NOT BEING A HYPOCRITE, I offer you a scene from a recent dust-up.  Did I take my own advice?   Ahem.

Background:  I went home with a guy who was so good-looking he made my teeth ache.  We go to the same XYZ gym class but we actually met at a bar.  At the end of a session that was so hot my neighbors had a cigarette, he left without us exchanging phone numbers (and Mike, a Sexpert!).  He said he’d be at XYZ class on Wednesday night.

He wasn’t there.  I tried looking him up in Facebook and MySpace.  Nada.  Didn’t even know anybody who knew him.  A week goes by and I see him at XYZ class.  Actually, the locker room before the class.  I hand him my phone.  He laughs.  Dials.  After the class, he’s in the showers first.  I pass him as he leaves one of the stalls.  I figure we’ll talk when I get out.  I shower. He’s not there.  Disappeared.  Well, I thought, end of story.   He ain’t into it.

An hour and a half later he texts:

“Sorry I wasn’t there when you came out.  Thought it’d be a little creepy if I waited in the locker room.”

Hmm, I thought.  We’re talking what, 4 minutes in the shower?  He couldn’t have waited in the lobby?  But then why bother texting if he wasn’t interested?  Ohh, the plight of the single—always trying to read the tea leaves.

So, I do what I always advise people to do:  Mirror.  So I waited an hour and a half (the time it took him to text me) before I replied:

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed but I’m really glad you texted.  It’d be great to get to know you.”

Nothing.  Nada.  Next morning, same. Nothing, nada.  So I followed my own advice—give it one more shot to make sure the lack of response wasn’t an accident.  And personalize it.  So I call the next day and leave an upbeat message, kidding him about the industry he’s in, blah, blah, blah.

He calls a day later, leaves a voicemail.  I mirror and wait a day to call him back.  I’m thinking, something ain’t right.  He’s showing all the signs of ambivalence.  The texting starts again.  We make vague plans for drinks early Sunday eve.  He calls that afternoon to say he can’t make it because he’s stressed and has to go to the gym, yada, yada, yada.  And I think, well, it could have been worse.  He could have said he needed to do the laundry.  I was about to accept my fate when he says, “How about tomorrow?”  Perfect, I think, because as I always advise, if you’re truly interested in somebody but the scheduling doesn’t work, don’t cancel–reschedule.  So I said, great, call me.

Next day he texts me at 4:30 pm and wants to know if I want to meet him at 6:00 for a quick drink.  I take my own advice:  Never EVER be that available for somebody unless it’s a booty call.  You send the wrong signal.  You’re saying I’ll drop everything for you at the last moment.  You’re saying you have nothing better to do than to respond to whatever he wants when he wants.  And really, who wants to go out with somebody like that?

So I mirror.  He waited to the last minute to invite, so I waited to the last minute to respond.  A few minutes before 6p I texted:

“Hey.  Didn’t hear from you so I made other plans.”

But that wasn’t all I texted.  I don’t like being ‘ambivalented’ so I decided to end his confusion for him.  Here’s the second half of the text:

“I would reschedule but I get the sense that you’re not very interested.  Why don’t we just leave it where Jesus flung it?  ;>) “

He texted back, “Cool.”

I had a wave of regret.  I was wrong.  Instead of letting it play out, instead of letting it live or die on the vine I sprayed DDT on it.  I confused ego with dignity.  Ego takes a guy who’s not giving you what you want when you want it and kills him off.  Dignity takes the same guy, creates some distance, cultivates interest and draws him in.  And if it doesn’t work, that’s ok.

The challenge for me wasn’t just to learn better ways to handle emotionally-charged situations like this (emotional because I really dug this guy and the cat and mouse game was killing me) but to let it inform how I give advice in my columns.  Mainly, to make sure I never come across as the expert who always gets it right, never gets rejected and doesn’t know what it feels like to have a crushing disappointment.