General

QUESTION:

My partner and I are trying to add a little spice to our serviceable but rather bland sex life.  Any suggestions?  Just keep in mind that we consider salt and pepper spices, so don’t be giving us hair-straightening Tabasco sauce suggestions!
—  Vanilla aching for flavor

Dear Vanilla:
Listen, you’re talking to the right guy.  My idea of kinky is having sex with a guy whose name I remember.  I called up my friend Robert Davolt, author of Painfully Obvious and asked him what lightweights like you and I could do to spice things up without scaring the hell out of ourselves.  Listen to Robert—he is to BDSM what Michael Jackson is to NAMBLA—a recognized leader.  Here’s what he suggested:
[Read more…] about Vanilla BDSM

Well, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that a good many homophobes are doth protesting too much, but it’s nice to have evidence to back you up.  In this week’s The New York Times, there’s a fascinating study that shows homophobia is driven in large part by a subconscious rebellion against homosexual tendencies.

 

For the full article click here.

QUESTION

I just moved here and can’t believe how juvenile guys are about HIV. I’m quite up-front about my status and I choose to let it come out in the natural course of getting to know a guy. Granted, after living through the crisis since the beginning (nearly 19 years now) I have seen a lot, and I find myself getting all pissed off at an increasingly visible trend of sexual discrimination.

What is up with so many guys advertising their HIV-negative status in discriminatory terms like “HIV Neg- UB2,” or “D&D Free for Same,” and lots of other senseless statements in the same vein? What would they do DIFFERENTLY if they DIDN’T know my status right up front? And since when does the word “CLEAN” refer to absence of HIV??? YIKES!

I see it constantly in M4M4sex.com and other hookup sites – much less so on the more networking-oriented such as Bigmuscle.com.
 
 I have the fortunate distinction of having remained perfectly healthy and have no outwardly visible characteristics of long-term survival, which seems to land me in a strange pool. I’m confident I’ll continue to live a healthy, varied and happy life – which I’d love to share with a partner.  But let me tell ya, seeing this trend has started to make me react into only trusting HIV-positive men.

 So my question is, do you see our culture moving into an “us and them” environment where the HIV poz guys are increasingly shunned by those who THINK they’re negative or are simply afraid of what they don’t know?  Are my choices narrowing? Should I simply quit looking in this city and hunt instead for prospects in more progressive cities?

—  Healthy, Happy & Horny

Dear Healthy:
I’m with you.  There is something particularly offensive about the phrase   “Disease-Free.”  The connotation is that HIV positive guys don’t have a condition or even a disease but that they are in fact, Diseased.   Which sounds remarkably like “Deceased,” doesn’t it?

Yuck.  What’s really infuriating about this revolting insensitivity is that the guys writing it have HIV positive friends.  I mean, who doesn’t know somebody who’s HIV Positive?  Hint:  If you don’t it’s only because you’re so mean and judgmental your friends are afraid to tell you.

So there they are, these online insulters– friendly, caring and loving to HIV positive acquaintances, fellow workers, friends or best buddies and then get on websites and trash the very people they’re around during the day.  Fear can twist your psyche into a pretzel.

I don’t begrudge anyone their choices.  Negative guys do and should have the choice to date or not date someone who’s positive. Myself, I think that’s pretty fucking stupid.  You’re going to give up a hottie for a night or a potential soul mate for a lifetime because he’s got an EASILY AVOIDABLE, manageable condition?  Please.  My complaint desk is open only to legitimate gripes.

Still, no matter how idiotic a choice may be, you have to respect the right of people to make them.  What you don’t have to respect is the way they’re advertising those choices.  Is it really necessary to say, “disease-free UB2” when you could so easily say “Prefer HIV-?”

If we are ever going to be a community worth living in we need to respect opinions and choices, condemn slander and divisiveness and be open to changing our minds when the facts don’t support our conclusions.  Like the fact that no harm will come to you from dating or boinking positive guys if you practice safe sex.

As for you, your mistake isn’t in what you’re observing but in what you’re concluding.  Yes, people can be shockingly cruel and insensitive but most aren’t.  I don’t think you need to move to another city; I think you need to move to another mindset.  The one that says, “fuck you” to every insulting profile and “fuck me” to those that aren’t.

QUESTION:

As an underpaid psychoanalyst, I thought you might be able to help us. After a month’s breakup last year due to infidelity on my part over a need to get some butt, my lover and I decided to give it another go. I told him I’d agree to a monogamous relationship if he’d learn to, er, uhm, take it like a man. I expressed my need to be the top occasionally and that I was not willing to live out the rest of my life without fucking someone every now and again. I feel our acts of love should be a free exchange of roles (top some; bottom some). He said he’d be willing to work with me on learning the pleasures of receiving. I was elated because I really love this guy.

So I moved back in and agreed to monogamy. It has been almost a year and I still haven’t gotten any. We talk about it some, to which he replies “Later,” and I occasionally ease my finger up his arse when we make love, but he is adamant about not going any farther. He says he just doesn’t get the pleasure I do out of being penetrated. Hmmm. Frustration is setting in and my eye is wandering. Frankly, I’m afraid I might end up cheating on him again. Maybe I was a bit foolish thinking he would change. And, maybe I’m a bit foolish even bringing this up as a point of contention in an otherwise perfect relationship. For the sake of love, do I just give up my need to top?

QUESTION

As an underpaid psychoanalyst, I thought you might be able to help us.  After a month’s breakup last year due to infidelity on my part over a need to get some butt, my lover and I decided to give it another go.  I told him I’d agree to a monogamous relationship if he’d learn to, er, uhm, take it like a man.  I expressed my need to be the top occasionally and that I was not willing to live out the rest of my life without fucking someone every now and again. I feel our acts of love should be a free exchange of roles (top some; bottom
some).  He said he’d be willing to work with me on learning the pleasures of receiving.  I was elated because I really love this guy.

So I moved back in and agreed to monogamy.  It has been almost a year and I still haven’t gotten any.  We talk about it some, to which he replies “Later,” and I occasionally ease my
finger up his arse when we make love, but he is adamant about not going any farther.  He says he just doesn’t get the pleasure I do out of being penetrated.  Hmmm.  Frustration is setting in and my eye is
wandering.  Frankly, I’m afraid I might end up cheating on him again.  Maybe I was a bit foolish thinking he would change.  And, maybe I’m a bit foolish even bringing this up as
a point of contention in an otherwise perfect
relationship.  For the sake of love, do I just give up my need to top?

— Need Anal Penetration

Dear Need Anal:
Your desire for reciprocity is understandable; your tactics are not.  Basically, you’re engaging in sexual blackmail (“If you don’t give me what I want I’ll get it from someone who will”).

Try this instead:  [Read more…] about How To Gay Sex

Question:

What do you think are the most important things to know about giving good head?

 

—  wondering

 

 

The most important thing about giving head?  The person you’re giving it to!  I mean, really.   You don’t want to waste good technique on a guy with a face that could stop a clock.

[Read more…] about How To Give Good Head

QUESTION:

I went home with a guy I wasn’t all that attracted to. Things changed when we got to his bedroom. And this was before the pants came off! The room was just the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Everything about it oozed sensuality. Our encounter was a one-nighter so I can’t remember much of the room, plus I was wearing, uhm, beer goggles that night. My question: How do I sex up my bedroom without sinking into James Bond clichés?

— Bedroom eyes

Dear Bedroom Eyes:
A sexy bedroom pulsates with passion. It should fill your partner’s heels with helium the minute he enters the room. Here are a few hints to get the helium pumping:

[Read more…] about How To Sex Up The Bedroom

Q:

My boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do.  It’s a constant source of conflict.  He feels rejected and I feel harassed.   Lately, I’ve been so frustrated I’ve taken to yelling at him to leave me alone.  I know that’s wrong but I need some guidance here.  What’s the best way of saying NO when his zipper’s saying yes?

 

—  Tired of it

 

 

Dear Tired of It:

Mismatched libidos is the most common sexual problem between couples.

 

The first thing to remember is that you have the right to say no, buy you also have the obligation to be kind.  If you want him to respect your wishes then be respectful of his feelings.  Here’s how:

 

1.  Be affectionate.  When he comes at you waving his hoo-ha, draw him closer, hold his hand, caress his face.  The biggest mistake “low desire” partners make is in withholding affection (usually because they’re afraid their high-desire partner will interpret that as a sign you want to fuck).  But by withholding affection you’re making the rejection that much more painful.

 

2.  Postpone, don’t reject.  Never say no without saying when.  A postponement is easier to take than a rejection.

 

 

But what if he won’t take no for an answer?  Pattern Interrupt.  You sit up, hold his hand and say, “Honey I understand you want to have sex but I don’t.  Please respect what I’m saying to you.” If you’re boyfriend is a half-way decent guy, you’ll only have to do that once or twice before it sinks in that NO means NO.  And if he’s not a halfway-decent guy you need to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.

 

At the same time, you need to learn how to say “maybe.”  Studies show that once “low desire” partners start having sex you can’t wipe the smile off them.  The challenge is in the start, not the finish. So ask yourself “if I were going to have sex how would I want to be touched and kissed to make it happen?”  And then tell your boyfriend the answer.

 

 

 

New Book About Gay Anal Sex!  Learn How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains.

Q:

I want to surprise my boyfriend for our one-year anniversary with a sex-related but fairly tame gift.  He’s as vanilla as they come so I can’t be doing anything raunchy.  Any suggestions?

 

—  Gift guesser

 

Dear Guesser:

Vanilla, you say?  I suppose that leaves out any products from Divine Interventions.  They’re the folks who put out what most wouldn’t dare put in—dildoes in the shape of religious figures.

 

Yes, they sell everything from Baby Jesus Butt plugs (in marbled green or a helpful glow in the dark white) to the Moses Dildo (helps part the pink sea).  If you’re into religious obscenity then this is the place to shop till you drop: