Your Gay Love & Sex Questions Answered

 

“You can’t love someone until you love yourself.” Bullshit.

If I waited until I truly loved myself I’d still be a virgin.  If I waited until I loved myself I would have never dated.  If I waited until I loved myself I wouldn’t have had a single relationship.  If I waited until I loved myself I’d be…

Dead.  Or worse, boring.

That quote — “You can’t love someone until you love yourself” –is the perfect example of old time narcissism disguised as New Age aphorism.  It’s an excuse for navel-gazing, a feel-good defense of romantic failures.

Whoever came up with that quote got on the Grey Goose bus and misshed their shtop.  It’s like saying you can’t get on the field until you’re good enough to play.  Ah, not quite.  The only way to get good enough to play is to get on the field.

It’s interaction not introspection that builds self-esteem.  Love ain’t a spectator sport.  You don’t score by playing with yourself–that’s emotional masturbation.   Any time you see the word “until” in the same sentence as “love” you know it’s a bunch of crap.

You can put conditions on a lot of things, but love ain’t one of them.

---

 

How To Tell Older Guys You’re Not Interested Online

 

From a reader: Whenever I’m online I’m always being hit on guys old enough to be my father. I’m 24 but all the guys who leave me messages are like in their late 30s or 40s. I like guys around my age or a little younger. Is there anyway I can attract younger guys and tell older guys I am not remotely interested without being rude?

–Young for fun

Dear Young,
Thanks for at least wanting to be nice about it. I’ve actually seen a profile that said, “Please don’t email me if you were the one who hit the switch when God said, ‘Let there be light!’”

Actually, that’s kinda funny; you might want to use that. No, seriously, here’s what you say: “Strictly into guys my age (24) or younger, no exceptions. Thanks for respecting my preferences.”

And if you still keep getting emails from older guys? Delete, delete, delete. You don’t owe anybody a response if they’ve contacted you after you’ve asked them not to.

Why Guys Lie

 

When it comes to love and sex, guys have so many problems with the truth they should have business cards that read, “Professional Liar.”

Take a look at any city magazine’s “Most Eligible Bachelor & Bachelorette” feature and you’ll see what I mean.  Here’s a typical answer a guy gave in a section called, “What I look for in a woman:”

“Someone with a good sense of humor who likes to have fun, is confident in who they are, likes to travel, and is honest and goal-oriented.”

Oh, Please.  Ireland’s pastures long for that kind of manure.   We men are visually-oriented sexcentrics, yet we will never, if asked what we look for in a mate, say what we really want:

“A hot babe who can tent my jeans and suck a softball through thirty feet of garden hose.”

Now, the truth is, that’s not all we want.  We also want mates with a sense of humor and other positive personal characteristics, but we want them wrapped in a package that Austin Powers best described as “Pure Shagability.” So why do guys lie?  Because we want to get laid.  And honesty is of no service to our goal.

Women –and gay men–often ask me why men lie and I always answer the same way: “Because you punish them when they don’t.”  For a guy, the true, honest, priorities-in-line answer to the question, “What I look for in a mate” would look something like this:

“I want somebody who’s so hot, wilted flowers spring to attention when they walk by.   They also have to be smart, kind, have a good sense of humor, like to travel, and be honest and genuine.”

But how would most women (and some gay men) respond to that?  Not well, and men know that.  So they lie.

You’ve Slept With HOW MANY Guys?

 

Mood popper (muud paap′-er) n. 1.  a person who ruins the moment by asking how many men you’ve shagged.

That’s the definition.  Here’s my answer:

* Answer The Question With A Question.As in, “Why are you asking?”Put the burden on him.The people who truly want to know about STD’s might say, “I’m just a little worried about HIV and other ill-mannered microbes.”Then you can simply say, “I get tested regularly and don’t have so much as a pimple.”

 

* Assume his motivation is safety. If he says, “I’m only asking because I’m curious,” assume he’s worried he might catch a horrible disease like Age or Wrinkles. Your answer: “I’m sensing you’re worried about STD’s. No problem, I get tested regularly.”

 

* If He Keeps Insisting, Question His Motivation. Once you’ve answered the safety issue, there’s only one reason he’ll ask: He wants to judge you. So don’t answer. If the number is too low, you’re a loser. If it’s too high, you’re a whore. Consider acting out this scene:

 

Him: So, how many guys have you slept with?

 

You: Why is that so important to you?

 

Him: I just want to know more about you.

 

You: I’d rather talk about our sex life, not my previous ones.

 

Him: Why are you avoiding the question? Do you have something to hide?

 

You: Tell me the right number.

 

Him: What?

 

You:The magic number you think is acceptable. The number that keeps me in the“good girl” category and the number that cages me in the “slut” pen.

 

Him:That’s ridiculous.

 

You: No, it isn’t. Because you’re not interested in knowing the number. You’re interested in knowing whether you’re dating an angel or a tramp.

 

Him: That is SO not true.

 

You: Yes it is. No matter what I say, you’re going to judge me.

 

Okay, that’s a bit overly dramatic for somebody you hardly know, but you get my drift. If he doesn’t give you an “acceptable” number, change the subject. If he does give you a number, then you know he’s going to have a fit if you’re north of it. At that point, you have to decide if you want to date a guy who’s more interested in what you’ve done than what you could be.

Is Anal Sex On The Third Date Considered Taking Things Slow?

 

Tell me…..is anal sex on the third date now considered “taking things slow?”

I have the great (mis)fortune of being one of those girls with whom a man feels comfortable discussing his sex life. In, like, graphic terms. Having slutted around myself in my twenties and because I write a column about sex & relationships, I truly believed I had heard and seen everything.

Well, this story was the first to actually render me speechless.

A close male friend of mine up in Boston was detailing his recent weekend activity. An avid Match.com dater, he usually had two to three dates per week. I’d wake up in the morning and find one or two Match.com “Take a look:  This person could be your match” e-mails he would send to me asking for my opinion. After awhile I noticed a pattern. Almost all of the profiles this guy would send to me for my review were of…. how do I say this delicately….. psychos. So I really shouldn’t have been surprised when he told me how his date that particular weekend happened to be a 30-year-old virgin who lived with her brother.

On their second date she revealed that she was a still a virgin. She sprung this news on my friend in bed, while they were naked. Undeterred, and probably sated by the head she gave him, he decided to keep seeing her. She e-mailed him after their 2nd date, apologizing for not telling him sooner that she was a virgin and insisting that she “never” did anything like that before. It wasn’t her style, she said, to get physical with a guy that quickly. Especially with a man she met online and only had been out with twice.

I stopped my friend mid-sentence.

“Hold up. You’re not telling me that you believe that, are you?

Because she’s most definitely lying.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Honey, that is the oldest lie in the book. That is most certainly not the first time she did that. If it were, she wouldn’t have waited until after you were naked and in bed to tell you she was a virgin. That was intentional. She knew, at that point, you’d probably be too horny to turn her down. She’s trying to get you invested in her so you won’t dump her. And that e-mail she sent the next day? Classic give away. When a woman says she’s “not like that” nine times out of ten she is. I’m telling you, cut this one loose now.”

My warnings went in one ear and out the other. Date three was planned.

She asked if he could stop by his place that following Friday night after she went out with friends. Awesome. She was making herself a booty call. He said yes. She came over….and proceeded to let him have anal sex with her. Mind you, anal sex was her idea.

“Doesn’t this feel a little..wrong to you?” I asked.

“Wrong how? She said she wanted to do it.”

“Yeah, but…shouldn’t that have been a little…alarming to you? This girl, 30 years old, a virgin, gives you head on a the second date, e-mails you the next day and says she usually takes things slow, basically makes herself a booty call to you the next night…and then proceeds to let you have anal sex with her. No bells go off in your head when you break it down like that? You don’t feel even a little bit predatory?”

He didn’t understand what I was suggesting. Of course he didn’t. He had spent all day screwing some girl up the butt. Three times!

I can’t decide whose behavior unnerves me most. The woman’s, because there’s something so vulnerable and weak and desperate about her. Or the man’s, for being so blind and uncaring of this woman’s potentially damaged emotional state.

I realize that we are all supposed to be accountable and responsible for ourselves and our choices. You’ll get no argument from me there. But, and maybe this is just me, does this woman sound like she’s capable of being responsible for her own well being? And are you really going to tell me that this man, who is pushing 40, doesn’t realize that the woman was obviously trying desperately to please him and keep him interested?

Where’s the line of accountability for both of them? Should he have turned her down and sent her on her way? Or should he, because “he’s a man,” be expected (and therefore “justified”) to take the woman up on her offer?

For Gay Men: The One Sentence Secret To Getting A Relationship

Boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends.

 

From a reader:

I’m always pursuing guys that I can’t have and running away from guys that show interest. I’m a sad contradiction. I’m always alone and find myself longing for a boyfriend. Whenever hot guys do approach me I freeze up and can’t look at them or talk to them and they in turn believe there is no interest and move on. I cruise guys but am afraid to make the first move. I’ve lost out on a lot of hot men over the years and realize I have no one to blame but myself.

On top of that, I had one relationship over 14 years ago and he ended it. Since then, I’m afraid to open up to anyone. I think he’ll only see my flaws once he gets to know me, dump me and my self-esteem will suffer. I lost my job after that relationship ended, obsessing over him and feeling like I was worthless and am afraid it could happen again. My inability to open up to anyone has earned me a bad reputation in this town and many guys won’t approach me. They think I’m a cock-tease or just an asshole.

I’ve sought therapy before and that was a waste of money so I’m hoping maybe you have some insight for me. I read your column a lot and think you offer a lot of good advice. What can I do to get over these hang-ups and finally find the loving relationship I think I want? I’m tired of seeing others happy as life passes me by.

— Lost & Desperate

Dear Lost & Desperate:
There are lots of things I could suggest that would help you get over your fear of approaching guys or to make yourself approachable. In fact, I cover all of them in my new ebook, Attract Hotter Guys. But you know what? Save yourself the money—it won’t help people like you. Unless you have some fundamental sense of self—which you don’t—the tips and techniques in my book won’t do you any good.

I’ve said it a million times—boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. Unfortunately, the first instinct of unhappy bastards like you is to find something outside of them to make them happy. Even if you did find someone to make you, happy you’d end up driving him away with your unhappiness. So, instead of looking for bliss to flow into you I’d work on getting it to flow out of you.

Give up the search for a while. Stop wearing the T-shirt that says “Unit Available” and switch to the one saying, “Off The Market.” It’s only by turning off the 24/7 Boyfriend Scanner that you’ll find the strength and focus to do the hard work required. Namely, going back to therapy and sticking with it.

You did to therapy what you do in your love life: Seek, find and sabotage. So, therapy’s a wonderful place to start breaking the pattern. Plus, you’ll get lots of insight and straighten out the mess you’ve become. It’s a two-fer.

In some ways, I think people like you enjoy the complaining too much to actually do something about the sad state of your love life. A lot of men don’t really want a relationship—they just like looking for one. And what they’re looking for is a canvas to paint their unhappiness on.

If you spent less time bitching and moaning and more time working and healing you’d become happier. And then my ebook will help!

 

Two Questions Every Guy You Hit On Thinks About

 

1. Are you hitting on me? If he likes you, you’re in. Stop reading. Go home. Enjoy him. If he’s not sure or he’s not immediately attracted, you better give him a reason for talking or your going to get your approach stamped, “REQUEST DENIED!” So say something like, “Help me settle a bet with a friend…” or “I’m asking you because…” The point is to give him context. You can always try the direct route—“because I want to bend you over the railing and pound the dust out of your rug.” But really, if it were that easy you wouldn’t need to read this post.

2. How long are you going to be? If he’s not immediately attracted to you, he’ll spend the whole time trying to get rid of you. So, use a “Time Constraint” –something that lets him know he’s a pit stop, not a landing spot. Like, “I have to get back to my friend in a sec, but I have to ask you…” Pair it with symmetrical body language—leaning away, or taking a couple of steps away as you’re talking. When it comes to dating or hooking up, the shortest distance between two zippers isn’t always a straight line.

By giving him 1) a rationale for talking and 2) leaving quickly, you’ve set up an exquisite question in your future ex-husband’s mind–“Was that guy interested or just being friendly?” That’s exactly where you want him: Wondering. Because wondering will make him more receptive to your company when you come back–and you will (more on how later), giving you the opportunity to charm the pants off him.

And inch him closer to that railing.

 

Can You Tell What He’s Like In Bed By How He Acts On A Date?

Are there hidden signs, give-away gestures that can tell you whether you’re going to have sex after a date?And more to the point, if the sex will be any good? I was having drinks with a few friends and we came up with some thoughts. Like, if you open the car door for your date and he doesn’t reach over to unlock your door it usually means he doesn’t like to give head.

We were joking, of course. There’s only one sign that accurately predicts how he’ll be in bed:

[Read more…] about Two Questions Every Guy You Hit On Thinks About

Why Relationships Are Like A Bacon And Egg Breakfast

 

My friend Lisa Daily, author of Stop Getting Dumped, Fifteen Minutes of Shame, and How to Date Like a Grown Up, asked my opinion on 7 Common Dating Myths for an article just published in a giant dating service for men, women and gays (wait, is gay a gender?).

Here are my one line answers.

1) Women only want to date men with money.   No.  They want to date men who have a car but don’t live in it.

2) Men only want to date women who are beautiful. Yes.  It’s not that we don’t want the rest of the goodies–personality, kindness, humor, etc.  It’s that we want all those gifts wrapped in a beautiful box.  (!)

3) Men want sex, not commitment.  We like to think about relationships like a bacon and eggs breakfast:  The chicken was involved; the pig was committed.  We’d rather be the chicken.

4) The nice guys don’t get the girl.   Bull.  Nice guys EVENTUALLY get the girl.

5) The longer you’ve been dating, the more likely the chances you’ll get married. No.  Once you past the 3-5 year phase, the chances slope down like a bent-necked pack mule.

6) Men are intimidated by powerful women. Yes, but less and less so.

7) Love conquers all.   PPFFFT!  (the sound of coffee spraying out onto my screen).  LOVE AIN’T ENOUGH.

Is a drag queen over 40 a Drag Cougar?

While most of the drag queens Miss Ginger knows are ageless(present company included!), there comes a time when one asks oneself: “Have I become a cougar?” I mean, face it ladies, we all like to look at the young ones, and those of us fortunate enough to be single even get to chase them from time to time! But, there come a time when we ain’t catching them like we used to! And, even though the chase is fun, when it causes angina, it might be time to live up to our age! (Cue the score of “Mame”!)

From an appearance standpoint, it’s easy to keep up. There’s a reason they put that little shovel in the box with our Dermablend! Scoop out a little more, blend it flawlessly, and the years fall off our faces. Check out the red carpet, twist the wig into the right shape, and voila! Hollywood glam! And we all have that secret seamstress that can make a gown that’s timelessly stunning no matter what our size! [Read more…] about Why Relationships Are Like A Bacon And Egg Breakfast

Why Are You Still Single?

 

There are some questions that you just don’t ask people, questions beyond the obvious ones like “How old are you?” or “How much money do you make?”  When asked, some questions trigger responses that can linger in the air like a bad fart.  I once innocently asked a cute guy I’d been flirting with at a bar why he was drinking bottled water.

Expecting to hear something generic – he was in training or had to get an early start in the morning – I was subjected to a twenty-minute diatribe describing not only his struggles with addiction, but also the origins of said addiction.  And believe me, when you’re trying to pick someone up in a bar, nothing turns you off faster than the topic of childhood incest.

Dating makes you highly vulnerable to questions that you just can’t seem to answer, no matter how long you ramble.  Like fumbling during a job interview, a simple question such as “Why did you move to Chicago?” can trigger an endless monologue on running away from a dysfunctional relationship revolving solely around alcohol, infidelity, and weed (trust me).  Given that my lot in life seems to be eternal solitude, I, as the constant dater, have learned to dodge such open-ended questions.  Question:  Why did I move to Chicago?  Answer:  Work.

However, I was recently stumped by a rather crafty question while having drinks with someone I’d met online.  Well trained in what is acceptable to say and what is completely off limits, I was stunned that I hadn’t considered this question in all of my preparation.  In all my years of experience in dating, no one had ever asked me this:  “Why are you single?”

I knew better than to take the easy route and blame my appearance. Even the most novice of daters know that a lack of self-esteem is not attractive.  I also knew not to fault myself.  Dating is all about the upsell, and nothing knocks down your sticker price like exposing your insanity and trust issues to a potential buyer.  The question merited a response focused on blame.  So not knowing who exactly to blame for my being single, I did what any over-educated American liberal would do.  I blamed society:

•  Every sane guy worth dating within my age bracket (25 – 35) is already in the throes of their first serious relationship.
•  When those guys hit the market again after that first serious relationship ends, they will need a few years to resow their wild oats, which would then leave them pushing 40.
•  40 year olds have too much baggage. Their baggage mixed with my baggage will be way too heavy for any two people to carry.
•  Catching younger guys before they get into their first serious relationship with someone their own age is not an option for me.  Younger guys who like older guys do so because they have issues with their fathers or they like to spend someone else’s money.  I’m too young to be anyone’s father and I’m poor, deeming me useless with the younger guys.

The tirade ended, and shortly afterwards, so did the date.  I’d taken the long way around one of those questions best left unanswered.  Now, moving forward, I know exactly what to say:

“Why are you single?”

“My boyfriend died.”

All of this honestly crap might very well be good for my recovery from drug addiction (you know, being in touch with my feelings, or no longer lying about, oh I don’t know, how much crystal meth I may have ingested five minutes ago), but how do I apply this new-found familiarity with the truth to my sex life?  Isn’t sex built upon delivering the best bold-faced lies?

Oh my God that feels good.  You are so big I can’t take it.  I’ve wanted you since the minute I saw you.  Your love handles are making me so damn hot.

Sure, baby.  And your spunk tastes like crème brûlée.

I can’t imagine sex without lying. Who the hell wants to hear the damn truth when we’re both pretending that all the sweating and awkward lurching (and those strange odors!) are beyond our wildest imaginings?  I don’t think I have the heart to tell someone I am grooving on what’s really crossing my mind during sex.

Yeah, you mildly studly dude, what you’re doing right now feels…  well, it felt nice there for a second but it passed.  And your arms looked bigger in the shirt you had on.  And please can the chatter about how big I20am.  I know better.  And I know you’re hating my smoker”s breath right now but I’m getting close and I refuse to get up and brush my teeth.  Chew a mint for both of us.  Besides you’re no floral scented Glade plug-in yourself, mister.  Your sheets smell like poop.

Nope, this ain’t helping my hard-on any. I simply must have the freedom to take liberties with the truth.  My therapist contends that it is only through honestly that I can remain clean from drugs, but has he ever literally come face to face with a man whimpering for validation of his hot body when the guy’s whiteheads are about to blow more jizz than either of us?

Give me liberties or give me meth.