Do Guys Have The Right To Be Mad At You For Rejecting Them?

Question:

I’ve never much enjoyed anonymous sex. But I LOVE connected sex, looking in a guy’s eyes, making out, and mixing things up between wild and mild. When I feel chemistry for another guy, and we mesh in terms of what we like, the sex I have even during a hookup can be like “making love.” I love passionate sex and know how to please my partner and myself while keeping the sex hot but personal and intimate. This isn’t what everyone is looking for online, obviously, but I’m surprised at the number of guys I meet who are totally into it, as if it’s been missing from their other encounters. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable during sex, maybe that part of why it is so good.

For the guys with whom I “make love” and we connect extremely well, which is the majority, quite a few of them want to meet again. I sometimes do. Yet many of these push to date, claim to have a crush on me, even have said they love me, want to be exclusive, etc.

They know it was an NSA hookup, yet they get upset when I tell them “It was a lot of fun. You’re a great guy, but I don’t want to date.” I have met several guys here with whom I normally would date, but since I’m just out of an LTR, I don’t want to right now.

I do not lead them on in advance to thinking this is anything but a hookup, but I think the nature of how we have sex, “making love,” made them get a different idea.

This has resulted in some mean messages in the days following the hookup, hurt feelings, lots of drama because they don’t understand why I don’t want to meet again when we hit it off so perfectly that first meeting.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. How can I continue to have the kind of passionate sex that I love without leading guys on or hurting them?

Thanks a lot.

ANSWER:

One day I was walking down the beach and I saw a genie bottle. I opened it and a drag queen genie popped out! She said she would grant me one wish. I said, “Peace in the middle east.” And then I handed her a map. I point to it and said, “There, I want peace right there. Those people have been killing themselves for years.”

The drag queen genie says, “Girl, I ain’t that good. They have been fighting for years. Make another wish.”

“Okay,” I said. “I want a gorgeous hottie who is loyal, fun, bright, funny, generous and available.”

The genie pauses. And says, “Hand me that map.”

My point, as if I had one other than to tell a great joke, is that you are the thing that frustrates genies. Even magic can’t make somebody like you become available.

The first thing that comes up for me is that I completely understand why those guys would be upset. Not because you’ve done something wrong, but because you’ve done something right—but without any follow-through.

I actually relate a lot to what you’re saying. There is basically no difference in my style of lovemaking with somebody I spend one night with or somebody that I want to spend a lifetime with. To me, sex is the very thing that bridges emotions, physicality, sexuality and psychology into one big bundle of birthday cake.

Whenever people like you and me, whose style is loving and affectionate and kind and gentle, well, there are going to be a lot of misunderstandings from our one-nighters.

They are not used to that kind of sex outside of a relationship. It is perfectly legitimate for them to read into our style of lovemaking that we want to see them again.

I know this because I am both a victim and a perpetrator of this style of love-making. Whenever I meet another “me” in the sense of somebody who also likes high-connection make-out sessions (as opposed to drop-your-drawers junkyard scrumping) I assume he wants to date me and I’m inevitably hurt when he actually doesn’t.

In situations like that it’s easy to think, “Did he not feel the magical energy that I felt when we were making love?”

Here’s how I handle it when I’m disappointed with guys who act like they’re in love in bed but not out of it: I tell myself he doesn’t owe me anything. Not an explanation, a reason, or an excuse. Spending one night with a guy, or even several nights, does not mean a commitment of even the slightest kind.

This is my long-winded way of saying you do not owe anyone an explanation for your behavior. You have a style of lovemaking that is deeply personal even with somebody that you don’t know very well. That is neither crime nor misdemeanor. You are doing nothing wrong in the lead-up, the act, or the post-act.

You have to let go of the idea that you are responsible for other people’s interpretations or wishes to be with you. It’s like you’re asking me how to take care of other people’s feelings of rejection. You are not responsible for how they cope with your rejection, as long as you’re being respectful.

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys

Gay Dating Tip: Why Would a Guy Who Does Porn Be Online Looking to Hook up?

That question comes up a lot because a lot of porn stars are online looking to either hook up or find a date. At first, this seems puzzling – – after all, don’t these guys get enough sex from their day job?

Porn stars are online for the same reason married guys are – – they want to have sex with somebody that they’re attracted to, for a change.

Like married guys, porn stars don’t have a choice about who they sleep with. My guess is that they’re not attracted to at least half the guys they’re putting out for.

So it stands to reason the guys in porn are looking for somebody that they want to sleep with (or date) rather than somebody they have to sleep with. And it’s a safe bet that they are not getting their emotional needs met at the studio.

I’ve had my share of porn stars hitting on me online. It struck me a little sad. No, not that they were so desperate that they were hitting on me.

No, not that they don’t have any taste.

No, not that they… Oh for God’s sake would you please let me finish!

The sad part was that they were looking for an emotional connection by waving their dicks online. It’s like they have no other way of reaching out to people.

One porn star said to me that he was actually looking for love online but hey, he was going to cover every hole in the meantime. That’s Amore!

Resources

Random Thoughts On Gay Life

I have this really cute friend (Chris) on GrindR who was upset at all the, ahm, shall we say, less than attractive guys who kept hitting on him.  So here’s what he wrote in his profile:

Look at me.

Look at you.

Really?

I love to hate this line because a) it’s funny as all get out (the good) and b) it’s unnecessarily mean (the bad).  Unfortunately, nothing trumps my sense of humor–not even my sense of decency, so I say rock on, Chris!

---

Gay Age Gaps

My 22-year-old friend C expressed dismay at the age gap between him and his new steady date. I was expecting his new faux-beau to be 32. Wrong direction. He’s 18. Listening to him go on and on about the “Huge age gap” made me laugh. He was certain I was going to tell him it won’t work (he was right actually, but for the wrong reason).

It’s not the age gap that makes it difficult between two guys. It’s the life stage gap. So the difference between 18 and 22 is nothing in age, but huge in stage. One’s just going to college; one’s just getting his first job. There’s actually less of a life stage gap between 22 and 32 than between 18 and 22.

So why won’t it work? As I gently said to C, BECAUSE HE’S 18. So should he stop from even trying? Hell, no! Why would you stop yourself from buying a dozen roses just because they’re going to die? I say enjoy the ride.

---

The Best Pickup Line of All Time

A recent study showed that the worst conversation starter is “I’m an astro-physicist.”  The best one?  “What’s your favorite pizza topping?”

But in my opinion, the best pickup line I’ve ever heard (and used) goes like this:

He’s sitting alone and there’s no other chair.  So you go get one,  put it down next to him and say:

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” 

If he doesn’t laugh he ain’t worth it.  If he does, you’re halfway up his leg.

---

Can’t Get A Read On Him? Trust Your Instincts

So, my friend Marc met a guy at the park when he was out of town. They had a little bit of conversation, exchanged numbers for business reasons (both in the same industry) and split. Marc couldn’t tell if the guy was interested but he texted him anyway:

“Hey, great meeting you. Tonight’s my last night here. Can’t leave without buying a cute guy a drink. ;>) Join me later?”

They met, but they had the chemistry of spackle. It cost Marc $40 for drinks and he didn’t even get a kiss. What happened?

When in doubt, qualify. He should never have left it to one or two simple texts. He should’ve flirted with the guy more to understand whether the guy was meeting him to have a drinks-paid, interesting conversation or whether he was actually interested.

When you’re out of town you really do have the luxury of being direct without losing your power. Marc should have been a lot more direct. Like this for starters: “Hey, I’m really attracted to you; hope it’s mutual. Meet for a drink?”

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys

Gay Dating Advice

The Perils of Dick Pics

When I was growing up, the obligatory “gotcha” question to ask any politician was: “Have you ever smoked marijuana?” Thus produced Bill Clinton’s infamous, “Yes, but I didn’t inhale,” which pretty much previewed the triangulation that defined Slick Willie’s two terms in the White House.

If it hasn’t already arrived, I think the day is soon coming when the question about weed will replaced by inquires about another rite of youthful indiscretion: “Have you ever sent nude photos of yourself over your cell phone or the internet?”

I’m guessing that such a question would disqualify 70 percent of the American population under a certain age from running for office, but I would up that figure to 98.29 percent when talking about gay men.

Crotch shots and booty pics are a fixture of gay hook-up sites, despite the objections of prudes who are offended by sexual images appearing on sexual websites. And many gay men engage in adult-only sexting as casually (yet vigorously) as they play video games.

Does this mean that the campaign for the first openly gay president will be torpedoed by jockstrap pics he took in his mother’s bathroom when he was 19? Will a gay man running for senator in 2026 be forced to explain the content of his Grndr profile?

“But everybody does it, so what’s the big deal?” some might say. Of course, many have been saying the same thing about marijuana for decades, and yet the electorate clings to taboos far longer than we might expect.

If the political standard was, “Have you ever sent a nudie out,” would you still be eligible for public office? Do you have nude pics on your online profile, or do you save them for private sexting session with certain guys? Are you among the one percent of gay guys who has never sent XXX images? Or are you the future Bill Clinton who will say, “I took nude pics, but I never sent them out”?

 

How to Meet Gay Men Part 1

Have you ever wondered why some guys get hit on like a nail at a hammer convention while you sit there feeling like a screw?   If you’re like most gay guys, you think getting approached is a passive affair—that as long as you’re looking good and reasonably friendly, the rest is up to God, Grey Goose and the glow of the light.

That’s how women do it, right?  They get dolled up and wait to get “picked” by a guy.  Well, here’s a statistic that’ll shock you:  women start 90% of all encounters between heterosexual couples.  Research psychologists note that men may be the ones who physically do the approaching, but it’s women who do the signaling that brings them over.

And that’s what you need to work on—your signaling.

Phase 1:   Eye Talk

It starts with what psychologists call an “Eyebrow Flash.”  You see Shagability.  Your eyebrows rise and with it your eyelids, letting more light in and making your eyes bigger, brighter and more attractive.  And get this, your pupils dilate!   An eyebrow flash is followed by a longer-than-usual gaze—no more than three seconds.  It’s a subconscious sign of sexual attraction, but you can make it nearly imperceptible.  Which presents a problem.  If you can’t remember the last time you were approached by somebody you were attracted to, ask yourself, “Am I looking back when he tries to catch my eye?  Do I try to hold his gaze for a second or two?”

I was at a bar recently with a friend who complained that nobody ever approached him.  Suddenly, this handsome guy walked by and gave him a subtle eyebrow flash.  I couldn’t believe my friend’s reaction.  “Freeze!” I whispered to him.  “Where are you looking?  Away from him.  Where are your arms?  Crossed.  What’s your posture?  My back’s to him.”

Is this you?  Complaining that nobody approaches you and then making it impossible for them to do it?  There’s only one way to find out—Freeze!  And take inventory.

What’s the best way to respond to a glance?

The research is clear:  Hold his gaze for a second or two and… now this is important…Avert your eyes downward before you glance at him again.  Do NOT glance away or to the side—it’ll make him think you glanced back by mistake or worse, that there’s someone better to look at.

Averting your eyes is a sensual but subconscious way of playing Peek-a-boo.  When you look downward you “hide” your eyes, and when you look up you reveal them, creating a sexual tension/release coil.  We play adult peek-a-boo in creative ways—peeking over a book or a newspaper or stealing a glance and then using our hair to hide our eyes.

That’s why so many guys like Halloween or costume parties—they can play cat and mouse games with masks that can be taken on and off, alternately hiding and revealing their eyes.

 

Gay Dating Resources

Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys