How To Give The Best Blow Job Part 14

A dim-witted brother and his brilliant sister inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. 

The sister balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. 

Upon leaving, she tells her brother, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The sister arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her brother a telegram to tell him the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the sister realizes that she’ll only be able to send her brother one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send him the word ‘comfortable.’”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word ‘comfortable’?”

The sister explains, “My brother isn’t too bright. He’ll read it slow.”

This story is a terribly long way of saying that “comfortable” is the most important word in giving good head. If you’re uncomfortable, you’re not going to deliver a lot of pleasure and you’re not going to do it for very long. For this reason, I want you to keep this in mind: Your comfort is more important than his pleasure because his pleasure depends on your comfort. 

For example, a lot of guys give head while kneeling on the bed with their partner on their back. You can’t sustain that position for very long without feeling like a low-wage factory worker on the 11th hour of her 12-hour shift.

The best positions are the ones that support you while giving access to a big part of your partner’s body. Here are a couple of ideas that will make you feel “come-for-the-bull”:

Both of you lie flat on your backs

He’s on your left. You sit up and put your left arm over and across his belly (so your armpit is snug against his sides). Your back is to him but you have a grand view of his hoo-haw. The weight of your lower body is being supported because you’re lying down while your left arm anchors you. This gives you leverage for more vigorous oral without taxing your comfort.

Him Standing Up With You Sitting On The Bed

 You have total access to his body with your hands and you won’t get as fatigued as when you’re on his knees.

Him Standing Up Near The Edge Of The Bed With You Lying On Your Stomach

 You don’t have total access to his body with your hands as you do when you’re sitting, but it’s an excellent position for him to thrust it in and out of your mouth while you are in complete comfort.

You Sitting Up At The Head of The Bed Propped Up On Pillows

 He stands over and feeds you. This allows you to use your hands as sex toys, delivering pleasure all along his groin, butt, stomach, and chest.

Both Of You On The Bed With Him On His Knees and You On All Fours

 The four-point resting position gives you the energy to carry on. Try a variation like yoga’s “Child Pose” while he puts it in and out of your mouth. He’ll love it because he’ll see the contours of your beautiful back and tush.

I’ve highlighted a few positions that are demonstrably more comfortable but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try other positions. Be creative and try out different positions. If it starts to hurt, simply shift to a more comfortable one.

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How To Give An Amazing Blowjob Part 13

How Much Saliva Does Your Mouth Make In A Day?

Brace yourself: 32 to 64 ounces! Think about that the next time you grab a half-gallon container of milk—that’s about how much saliva you produce in a 24-hour period. Why so much? The slippery stuff—which is made mostly from water—breaks down food with special enzymes for easier digestion and lubricates food for easier passage down your throat.

Ever wonder why you wake up with breath so bad your dentist will only treat you over the phone? Because saliva production goes down to nearly zero when you’re asleep, allowing odor-causing bacteria to build up.

More On Moisture

Having a warm, wet, moist mouth is the single most important aspect of giving head. It will send him to Mars and back on a discount ticket. This can be problematic for some as not everybody has a mouth moist enough to launch interplanetary trips. 

Without a wet mouth, your lips tend to “tug” on a guy’s skin rather than glide along, and you won’t make it too far down the shaft before he expresses his discomfort. So, in addition to visualizing biting into a lemon, here are a few tips to keeping a mouth so moist “Richard” will think he’s in a tropical rain forest:

Drink Water

While staying hydrated may seem like a no-brainer when it comes to maintaining a wet mouth, it’s something most people don’t think about. If you know you’re going to be giving your man head soon, start lubricating your mouth with water a few hours beforehand.

Chew Gum

Get your salivary glands warmed up before you go down by chewing a piece of gum. It fools the brain with a signal that you’re about to ingest food. Your mouth automatically starts moisturizing for what it thinks is the passage and digestion of food. Boy, is it in for a surprise!

The gum should have sugar in it, as there is a 10-fold increase in the flow rate of saliva when a sweetness or flavor is added to gum, according to the magazine Dentistry Today. It also has the ability to keep you three times wetter after you stop chewing. If you want to stay away from sugar look for gums with xylitol, which studies shows is an effective way of producing saliva.

Use Toothpaste And Dental Rinses That Contain Xylitol

If chewing gum right before having sex gives you a trailer park vibe you’re rather avoid, then brush and rinse your teeth with products that contain Xylitol, which is clinically proven to produce more saliva.

Suck On Hard Candy Before Sex

 You’ll feel your gums glisten as pools of saliva form under your tongue.

Yawn And Gleek

Remember spitballs? You wet a small, balled-up piece of paper in your mouth and spit the projectile out to some schmuck? Yeah, me neither. Today it’s called “gleeking,” although without the paper.

To gleek, open your mouth as wide as you can, then touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Maintain this pose while you take a deep breath in and it will trick your mouth into yawning, which activates the saliva glands in your cheeks and underneath your tongue. In gleeking, the goal is to keep your tongue against the roof of your mouth, inhale and then spit with a forceful exhale that propels saliva from under your tongue. But you can skip that step and save the spit for the job ahead.

Use these tricks to turn your mouth into a virtual rain forest, and you’ll be able to glide your lips from head to base, smoother than Tarzan swinging on vines.

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How To Give An Amazing Blowjob Part 12

Bestowing A Bedazzling Blowjob

“Penises are always thought of as being so sensitive and powerful. And I get to put it in my mouth? It’s so empowering to know that you have that much control over someone, and it’s exciting to try out different things and see what makes them squirm. It’s nice to be able to really please someone.”

—L.

It goes without saying that men will receive pleasure during a blowjob and yes, of course, you will experience the “pleasure of pleasuring,” but I want you to be a little more selfish than that. I want you to approach blowjobs as if they were meant to give YOU pleasure. Think of his satisfaction as an important marker of your efforts but more as “collateral pleasure”—something he gets as a consequence of pleasuring yourself.

One of the best ways of enhancing your own satisfaction during blowjobs is to become really good at giving them. Competence breeds confidence which enhances self-pleasure. Word up:

“Plain and simple, I’m good at it and I know it. Which makes me enjoy it so much more making a guy squirm and moan. It’s hot and turns me on hardcore. Plus it’s fun and I could go to town on one all day long if I could. When I haven’t done it for a while I start to get withdrawals and wishing I had a nice dick in my mouth to suck on. 100% my fave part of sex.”

—Y.

“I’m really, really good at it, and knowing I’m making a dude squirm is pretty great.”

—V.

“I love his whimpers of “Oh fuck. Oh my fucking god,” etc. And, overall, it’s something I’m really, really good at, so it’s a huge ego boost for me.”

—B.

Confidence = Enjoyment

As these people plainly understand, confidence significantly increases your enjoyment of giving a blowjob. There’s only one way to gain confidence and that’s to earn it through competence. That’s why we are going to concentrate on improving your skills in this chapter.

Let me start by reminding you that we men are alarmingly attached to our penises. In fact, we love listening to “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” when we pee. With the right kind of oral, you can make your partner feel like he’s got the whole galaxy in his hands.

Sending him into that galaxy requires four things: moisture, speed, pressure, and friction. Success starts with saliva. The most natural way of generating it is to bite into a sour apple or suck on hard candy. Go ahead and buy some at the store. I’ll wait.

Back so soon? Good, now bite into the sour apple. Notice how it makes you drool? It’s your body’s way of fighting off the acidity in the mouth (the saliva dilutes it). Of course, that’s hard to do in the middle of unzipping him, so try this instead: Visualize biting into a lemon. Do it right now. Concentrate on the citric juices hitting your tongue and the sides of your mouth. Notice anything? You’re salivating more! Conjure up that vision whenever your mouth starts getting dry during oral. 

Hands Where You Can See Them

Your hand is the next most important thing. You need to deliver three things with it: friction, pressure, and speed. Use your hand as an extension of your mouth. Do this: Make a fist and punch yourself in the chest. Your knuckles should be touching your chest, with your thumb facing toward you. That’s your starting position. With your hand in that position, twist/stroke on the way down and stroke/twist on the way up. You’re basically doing a corkscrew motion as you wet him with a constant stream of saliva. Your mouth may give him moisture and heat, but it doesn’t give him pressure and friction. That’s what the hand is for.

If you can get these basics down—moisture with your mouth and speed, pressure, and friction with your hand—you’re well on your way to mastery. Then it’s a matter of add-ons, like pretending there’s oxygen in his balls and making so many sex sounds the neighbors pull out their binoculars.

“I absolutely love giving blowjobs. Just the thought of satisfying my man is all I need in return. After he is done, normally I swallow it and I cuddle beside him. When I first started giving head I wasn’t very good at it. But by him telling me what he does or does not like, and practicing on lollipops, I became a champ.”

—N.

Now that you’ve got the big picture of bestowing a bedazzling blowjob next week we dive into the details. 

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How To Give An Amazing Blowjob Part 11

A Mouth Exercise That’ll Help You Blow Him To Kingdom Come

Of course, the tongue isn’t the only soldier in the platoon. It’s surrounded by buddies that’ll come to its aid. After reading each word below, draw your attention to that part of your mouth and focus on it for 5-10 seconds. Think about it singularly, as if it is the only part of your mouth that exists. Feel it warm up and moisten, and envision it coming into contact with a rock hard dick:

—Lips

—The tip of your tongue.

—The surface of your tongue.

—The bottom of your tongue.

—The insides of your cheeks.

—The front of the roof of your mouth (hard palate).

—The back of the roof of your mouth (soft palate).

—The back of your throat (uvula).

Stay Conscious Of What You’re Doing

You should have this same intense awareness of each part of your mouth when giving a blowjob. Stay conscious of your lips, the roof of your mouth, and the back of your throat. You’ve got a wealth of pleasure-giving instruments in your mouth, so make sure each part is engaged throughout.

There’s one part of your mouth not listed above but which deserves special mention: Teeth. Nothing ruins a blowjob like scratching or accidentally biting his dick. It is an epic party foul hard to recover from. Cover the teeth with your lips at all times.

Is Sucking Safe?

It’s exceedingly hard to quantify the risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases through oral sex, according to the CDC. Is it high? Low? Nobody knows except to say that the risk DOES exist for gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, HPV and to a much lower extent, HIV.

The only thing we do know is that oral sex carries a whole lot less risk than anal sex. 

Other than wearing barriers like dental dams or using Saran Wrap during oral (Really? Who does that?) the best protection is intact skin and membranes. Make sure you and your partner do not have open sores or abrasions in your mouth or genitalia. It’s important to never brush your teeth immediately before giving a blowjob, as it can create small wounds that grant access to your bloodstream. But even swallowing won’t put you at risk for getting HIV or other STDs as the acids in your stomach destroy viruses on contact.

 

The Tongue’s Role In Making His Eyes Roll

It’s time for the tongue to go to its final destination: the crotch. The tongue is a secret weapon in oral sex not only in the pleasure it provides to the guy you’re sucking, but in the relief it can provide to your mouth during a blowjob.

Do you ever find yourself getting fatigued after just a minute or two of giving oral? That’s because you’re relying too much on your lips. Let your tongue, with all eight of its muscles, come to the rescue. It’ll allow you to rest your lips while not interrupting the pleasure your man experiences. Tongues do not tire easily. Use that fact to your advantage.

The tongue not only has more lasting power than your lips, it provides a whole lot more pleasure. Your lips are pretty much limited to left/right and up/down motions. But ahh, the tongue, the tongue! It can move in any way it wants. It can also contort to different angles and shapes (enlarge the tongue by flattening it against his penis, roll it to lap up his taste or make it pointy it so you can dart in and out of crevices). The tongue covers a lot of territory in a short amount of time, leaving him with new meaning and renewed purpose to his life. And more importantly, giving you a variety of sexy taste and texture sensations.

Your tongue needs to be the Beyoncé of your blowjob routine: Twerking and stealing the spotlight every time it makes an appearance.

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How To Give The Best Blowjobs Part 9

Your mouth has one distinct advantage over your ass when it comes to delivering pleasure: The tongue. It is truly a marvel of the human body and rarely do we appreciate its power to pleasure. In fact, the only people who seem to celebrate the tongue the way it deserves are taste testers, professional wrestlers, and the odd circus act.

The tongue has over 10,000 taste buds allowing us to discern the marginal difference in flavor between a guy’s jizz and Talenti’s Sicilian Pistachio Gelato—while strangely enjoying (and sometimes craving) both! The brain is often touted as the most powerful sex organ in humans, but the tongue is a key that can unlock places the brain can’t go.

One of the most remarkable aspects of the tongue as a sex organ is its versatility. It pulls off more tricks than a magician and can be just as jaw-dropping as watching your beloved being sawed in half. The tongue can offer a soft caress or a firm massage; it can poke or tickle; it can take longer, sloppy licks, or zero in on an area with devoted attention. The tongue contains eight different muscles, but, when relaxed, becomes one of the plushiest surfaces in the body. Appreciate the tongue’s full potential in order to employ it most effectively, and make sure you let all of its talents shine during a make-out session or oral sex.

Kiss Me You Fool!

Aside from eating and speaking, kissing is the tongue’s most important role in bed. As Confucius once said, “A passionate kiss is like a spider’s web. Soon leads to undoing of fly.” Wait, I don’t think that’s who said it. At any rate, the lips may get all the headlines in smooching but it’s the tongue that transforms an innocent peck on the cheek to an intimate moment between the sheets. You can kiss your dog or your aunt with your lips, but the tongue is reserved for your Romeo. Remember the old adage: A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, but a kiss isn’t a kiss without some tongue.

Pucker up, baby!

It’s difficult to have a great sex life without being a good kisser. It’s kind of like trying to be a Hollywood socialite without releasing a sex tape. And you can’t be a dynamite kisser if you don’t have a tongue that is active, sensuous, and adventurous. From soft butterfly kisses to junkyard dog lashes, it can penetrate your partner’s lips, wrestle his tongue and explore every part of his mouth.

Here’s a fascinating fact: Some researchers believe that saliva, which is produced in glands under and near the tongue, provides a primal “taste test” for couples, as it contains the DNA of every organ and gland in a person’s body. There’s evidence to believe that the flavor of your kiss can be affected by your genetic compatibility with a potential partner. Due to this, saliva operates as an individual’s “signature flavor,” according to Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Male Brain.

When A Kiss Is Not A Kiss 

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you too!”

How Do You Tell A Guy He Kisses Like A Pack Mule?

Does Mr. Right turn into Mr. Fright when he kisses? Some guys kiss like they’re sweeping for land mines. You end up using your tongue as a flanking maneuver to stop the onslaught. How can you call a truce to your tongue wars and teach him how to kiss better without hurting his feelings?

Most guys are receptive to changing their techniques as long as you frame it as a request, not an insult. I would urge you not to say something like, “Look, you moron, you kiss like a pack mule and I’m choking on all the spit you’re hosing down my throat.” I mean, it worked on my boyfriend, but you need a certain finesse to get away with it.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Try this approach instead: “You know what really turns me on? When you do this. Then show him how you want to be kissed and say, “Now you try it.”

Here are a few other tips:

Be rhythmical. Move smoothly from passive to active, from slow to fast to back and forth, from dry to wet, to gentle and wild.

Breathe through your nose. It prolongs the kiss.

Close your eyes. They’ll look like two giant beach balls to the guy you’re kissing if you don’t. And who wants to kiss big balls? Wait. Bad example. Just keep your eyes closed and quit confusing me, dammit.

Make sounds. Small, almost imperceptible sounds. A tiny rumble here, a soft moan there. Communicate what you like and what you’re feeling through noises, not words.

Kiss your partner’s eyes. The heat of your lips on his eyelids will drive him crazy. Just make sure his eyes are closed. There’s nothing worse than getting your corneas licked.

Let your desire show. Look at your partner with a deep, rapacious, insatiable hunger. The way oil executives do when they see the Alaska wilderness.

 

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How To Give The Best Blowjobs Part 9

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Father’.”

The second one chirps up, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a 6’2”, hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, “Oh, my God!”

It’s time to tackle the elephant in the room (or is it a rhino?): SIZE. Men are far more obsessed with the size of their penis than women are. In surveys, women don’t even rank it in the top three characteristics they look for in a man. So if it generally doesn’t matter to women, why does it matter so much to men? 

We’re going to spend a little time on the question of size because it is an extraordinarily sensitive subject for guys that can easily interfere with his performance and your satisfaction. You know how every woman it seems, even the skinny ones, think they’re too fat? Well, a lot of guys, even ones named Frankencock, think they’re too small. Every gender has its cultural curse.

Later, we’ll talk about the accommodations you’ll need to make for both a guy who’s too small or too big (two sides of the same curse!), but for now, let’s talk about why men obsess about the size of their dicks.

What Men Think When They Stand Naked In Front Of The Mirror

Most men have a “bigger is better” mentality. I call it “Male Math”: Size + Size = Status on Stilts. That’s why men love bigger cars, bigger biceps, bigger guns, bigger wallets, bigger everything.

Add male misperceptions of normal-sized dicks to “Male Math” and you have a recipe for dick delusions. Here’s what I mean: Most gay men watch A LOT of porn, where every penis needs its own parking space. Even when they see other live penises in captivity (locker rooms, sex partners ) they suffer from an optical illusion that makes them feel smaller than everybody else.

See, a penis on another guy looks bigger than yours because you’re looking almost straight at his but straight down at yours. Angles make a difference. When you look down at something it always looks shorter than if you look straight at it.

Lastly, men have to survive locker room insult culture. Once, I was changing in the gym and I overheard this conversation between two friends: “Hey, would you wear shoes if you had no feet? No? Then why are you wearing underwear?” That’s the kind of insult that can cast doubt even among the well-endowed.

Can You Tell If He’s Hung By Looking At His Hands?

A lot of people think they can tell how big a guy is by looking at physical features like height, foot or hand size, or even voice depth. In reality, there is little correlation between these factors and penis size, so you can stop searching for clues and enjoy your soup!

Even seeing a penis in a flaccid state will give you little indication of how big it will be once erect, as some guys are “growers not showers.”

So! Straight from the Department of Duh: The best way to tell if a man is hung isn’t by looking at his hands, feet or nose. It’s by looking at his erection.

My Kingdom For Eight Inches 

What’s fascinating about men’s obsession with size is that they focus on length. But even when some women report that bigness is important (oh, you size queens!) they’re talking about girth or as my friend says, “Roundth.”

A Hilarious—And Accurate—Way To Tell If You Need An Extra Large Condom

Here’s a clever trick a condom company came up with to determine if you’re well-endowed: Put a tube of toilet paper over your erect penis. If it slides all the way down to the base, you’re average or below average.

If it gets stuck, then pop the champagne corks because you’re one of the lucky few. Yes, FEW. Condom manufacturers estimate that only 6% of the population needs extra-large rubbers.

At any rate, penile size can be measured in a lot of ways. Obviously, the differences will impact the results. There are two widely recognized ways of measuring the penis. The most common is the “You Wish” method. It involves looking at your pinky and seeing a thigh. 

I’ll talk about the second way in a second. First, the bad news: the average penis size is not six inches. The “six-inch myth” got started when Kinsey did his landmark penis size study back in the ’50s.

Although there were 2,000 men in his study, it had a fatal flaw—the results were self-reported. Men were asked to go into a room, get themselves hard, and measure themselves. Now tell me, would you believe anything coming out of a man’s mouth while he’s holding his dick?

Men always lie about size. Why do you think we came up with maps that associate an inch with a mile? Realizing that too many men were backdating their stock options, urologists developed a new way of measuring the size of the prize: A third party. So now every legitimate penis study includes medical staff doing the measuring and reporting. And guess what happened? The average erect penis size shrank from Kinsey’s 6.2 inches to 5.1 inches!

Now the truth is that different penis size studies show different results but NONE of the studies come anywhere close to the Kinsey study that popularized the six-inch myth.

Next week: We’ll look at the latest reliable study of penis sizes.

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How To Give The Best Blowjobs Part 8

Last week we talked about manscaping.  This week it’s about setting objectives for your buzz cut.

A Trim Or Completely Hairless? It’s totally up to you. You might want a full “Brazilian” but there might be some splainin’ to do in the locker room. Or you could do a combo platter—trim the pubes and shave the balls.

Tools

Buy A Dedicated Pair Of Scissors. Bacteria and yeast live in the groin—you don’t want to spread these to other parts of your body. So don’t use the scissors you use to cut nose hair. You might end up with a boogers-to-balls yeastiness. Also, wipe down the scissors with rubbing alcohol, wash your hands, and soap up your manhood. That will help create a sterile environment less likely to develop an infection.

Buy Specialized Manscaping Tools. Try products like the Philips Norelco Bodygroom—a razor specifically designed to shave awkward places. Mangroomer also has some interesting products like a shaver with an “Extreme Reach” extension for those awkward, hard to reach places.

PUBIC HAIR

Cut It To The Same Length As The Hair On Your “Love Trail.” It starts at your chest and goes down the tummy all the way south to that Access of Evil between your legs. Be consistent or you’ll look like you lost a game of chicken with the lawnmower. If you want to go Brazilian and shave it all off, don’t start with a razor blade. Start with a pair of scissors. Shaving long pubic hair can cause razor burn, itching, or stubble. The hair can snag on the razor blade and cause a lot of pain. Also, pubic hairs are coarser and have more curl to them so it’s easy for the hair to curl back into the skin and cause ingrown hair.

Never Shave Upward Toward The Belly Button. Let’s just say it’d be a rash decision. Shave horizontally and/or diagonally downward.

THE TAIN’T

Prop Your Leg Up On The Side Of The Tub. Carefully shave the tain’t (“tain’t your balls/tain’t your ass”). Don’t shave too far forward or you’ll end up with hairless racing stripes. I don’t care if you’re into NASCAR, it ain’t a good look.

THE SCROTUM

Cut It Out. The hair, I mean. To about half an inch with a pair of scissors. And if you’d rather shave all of the hair off…

Soak In A Warm Bath. It loosens up his pores, making it easier to get a close shave.

Lather Up With Shaving Cream. With the thumb and index finger of the same hand, pull the testicle bag’s skin in opposite directions to flatten the shaving surface. Always start shaving with the grain. When you’re done, do it again, only against the grain. Be careful! God gave men a penis and a brain but only enough blood to run one at a time, so you don’t have much to waste.

Use Antiseptic Creams, Moisturizers And Baby Powder. Don’t be sportin’ nothing but chaos down there to sproutin’ nothing but redness. Moisturizing the area will reduce itchiness and irritation. Look for lotions with aloe or camphor.

Remember, giving “Richard” a makeover is something you’re doing to maximize your pleasure during a blowjob. Speaking of “Richard,” there are many so many versions of dick across the land you’d think a rock concert let out. Some are circumcised some are not. Some are straight as six o’clock, some are curved like gravy boats. Some are big (yessssss!), some are small (nooooooooo!).

Next week: Let’s unzip Gay America’s pants and see what we’re working with.

 

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How To Give The Best Blowjobs Part 7

A Simple Technique To Make His Penis More Attractive To You 

Can a man change the appearance of his penis to make it more desirable to you? Yes, according to the University of Zürich study you read about in the last chapter. The study showed that the appearance of pubic hair was the second most important penile characteristic for women. 

No, we’re not women but any guy who’s gone done down on another guy and felt like he was hacking a trail through the Amazon knows the truth:  The single best thing SOME men can do to make their penis more attractive to you is to trim and style their pubic hair.

It also MAY BE the single thing best thing you can do to return the favor.   Why the emphasis on “some” and “may be”?  Because if you like bushy pubes then it’d be a turnoff to trim them.  But if you don’t, or you do but not at the cost of hiding a good deal of the sausage, then you might want to consider a trim.

The Cucumber Looks Best When It Rises Out Of A Shaved Salad

An overgrown garden can easily hide a beautiful cucumber. Landscape it and suddenly you can see the vegetable in all its glory. Besides, a dense bush can make going down on a guy problematic. You could, for example, get stray pubic hairs in your mouth. Not a good look. Or smell. A lot of hair traps moisture, providing a breeding ground for odor-causing bacteria. Get it landscaped and poof! No stray pubic hairs, no funny smells.

What are the benefits? First, it creates what I call an “optical inch.” A lot of dicks look small because they’re buried under dense brush. Manicure it and bam!  Your dick can look an inch or two bigger.  

Hey, don’t knock over your grandmother trying to get to the scissors.

There are other benefits to trimming. It might actually improve your sex life. Hair tends to block subtle sensations on the skin. There you are devoting love and attention with a warm, wet mouth and your partner’s only feeling half of it because his pubes are cock-blocking your caresses!

Same goes for you if you’re sporting a jungle down there. 

Scream-Free Manscaping

You’ve got to be extra careful trimming back pubic hair or your dick will look like it went on a date with “Carrie.” Once, my boyfriend got ingrown hairs and cut himself so badly I took one look at the blood in the bathroom and I called the suicide hotline.

He was like, “Dude, if I was going to kill myself I’d cut my wrist, not my balls!”

Because you (or your partner) would be shaving such sensitive areas it’s a good idea to know this story:

The Army was offering veteran soldiers early retirement after the first Gulf War. The rule: Soldiers picked two spots on their bodies and got $1,000 for every inch in between.

One officer asked to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was 6 feet tall and got $72,000.

A second, smarter officer asked to be measured from the tip of his raised hand to his toes. He earned $96,000.

The third man was a grizzled old captain. “Measure me from the tip of my penis to my testicles,” he demanded. The medical officer in charge explained that might not be terribly profitable. But the captain insisted. He dropped his pants; the MD placed the tape measure on the tip of the captain’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” the MD gasped. “Where are your testicles?” The captain yells, “Iraq!”

Moral of the story:  You need to be careful trimming pubes or your balls will end up where they don’t belong—like the bathtub.

Now, here’s a stellar idea: Instead of getting your partner to landscape his own Versailles, why not turn it into sex play? As you know, “Getting your hair did” at the salon is a sensuous experience. Imagine the same feelings experienced below the belt.

One of the most sensuous moments of my life was letting a partner wash, trim, and style my pubic hair. It created an unexpected sense of trust and intimacy. Given the potential of an ugly outcome I HAD to trust him, stand still, and hope to hell he didn’t turn into Edward Scissorhands. He honored that trust, too, with incredible attention to detail. It actually bonded us in a way that made future sex even hotter. 

If that kind of sex play doesn’t appeal to you—or if you’re single and don’t have a boyfriend to play with—then next week we’re going to talk about what you need to do to go from here to hair–how to manscape yourself.

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How To Give Great Blowjobs Part 1

Welcome to our new series on giving head!

Here’s how we’d approach a guy who complains about giving blowjobs:  How many times in your life have you tried something that you initially didn’t like and ended up loving? No one likes their first martini, for example. But then the buzz works its magic and next thing you know you’re drinking so many that olives come out every time you pee.

Which reminds me, why is alcoholism the only disease you get yelled at for having?

At any rate, if you find yourself a little resistant to blowjobs, think about all the times you didn’t like something in the beginning and came to love at the end. The television show that was uninteresting the first couple of episodes, for example, that turned into must-see TV. Or the Pulitzer prize-winning book that bored you in the first couple of chapters and then turned into all-night page-turner.

Have you ever noticed that some things feel a lot better with more practice? Dancing, learning a language or cooking, for example. There’s not that much enjoyment to be had in the beginning. At first, you’re stressed and self-conscious and uncertain of the best way to proceed.

But with practice and experience, you get a lot more enjoyment out of them. Blowjobs are like that. Once you understand what works for you and what doesn’t, once you understand strategies to help you enjoy it more and get better at it, chances are you’ll completely change your mind. Whether you’re in the kitchen, the ballroom, a classroom, or your bedroom, practice doesn’t just make perfect, it makes pleasure.

From Hate To Love

Millions of guys have changed their minds about blowjobs but only after they got clear about what they needed to make it enjoyable. I am particularly taken by this guy’s experience:

“When it comes to blowjobs, I’ve traveled the full spectrum from hate to love and it really depends on the partner. I’ve never loved sucking a man’s cock as much as I love my current fwb [friend with benefits]. Things that really help:

• I find his penis excruciatingly gorgeous.
• Great hygiene—hair is well-kept, always smells clean, doesn’t put any cologne down there (tastes horrible).
• He experiments with dominant/porny moves but always always immediately stops if I say or imply a no. He’s really amazing about that. He’ll go from brutally fucking my throat to gentle and caring if I push him away or shake my head. I really don’t mind hair-grabbing, head-pushing, etc., but the #1 thing is that I have to know in my heart that if I ever feel like it’s too much he WILL stop. I’ve had guys in the past who made me uneasy, like maybe they weren’t just role-playing, you know?
• Appreciative noises. So important. My last ex was so quiet and it made it hard to feel encouraged and I had no idea how close he was. My current guy moans and says little things to cue me into how he’s doing.
• Nice-shaped balls to suck on. Balls are fun.”

Next week: Things that’ll make you change your mind.

 

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