How To Give The Best Blowjobs Part 9
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Father’.”
The second one chirps up, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a 6’2”, hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, “Oh, my God!”
It’s time to tackle the elephant in the room (or is it a rhino?): SIZE. Men are far more obsessed with the size of their penis than women are. In surveys, women don’t even rank it in the top three characteristics they look for in a man. So if it generally doesn’t matter to women, why does it matter so much to men?
We’re going to spend a little time on the question of size because it is an extraordinarily sensitive subject for guys that can easily interfere with his performance and your satisfaction. You know how every woman it seems, even the skinny ones, think they’re too fat? Well, a lot of guys, even ones named Frankencock, think they’re too small. Every gender has its cultural curse.
Later, we’ll talk about the accommodations you’ll need to make for both a guy who’s too small or too big (two sides of the same curse!), but for now, let’s talk about why men obsess about the size of their dicks.
What Men Think When They Stand Naked In Front Of The Mirror
Most men have a “bigger is better” mentality. I call it “Male Math”: Size + Size = Status on Stilts. That’s why men love bigger cars, bigger biceps, bigger guns, bigger wallets, bigger everything.
Add male misperceptions of normal-sized dicks to “Male Math” and you have a recipe for dick delusions. Here’s what I mean: Most gay men watch A LOT of porn, where every penis needs its own parking space. Even when they see other live penises in captivity (locker rooms, sex partners ) they suffer from an optical illusion that makes them feel smaller than everybody else.
See, a penis on another guy looks bigger than yours because you’re looking almost straight at his but straight down at yours. Angles make a difference. When you look down at something it always looks shorter than if you look straight at it.
Lastly, men have to survive locker room insult culture. Once, I was changing in the gym and I overheard this conversation between two friends: “Hey, would you wear shoes if you had no feet? No? Then why are you wearing underwear?” That’s the kind of insult that can cast doubt even among the well-endowed.
Can You Tell If He’s Hung By Looking At His Hands?
A lot of people think they can tell how big a guy is by looking at physical features like height, foot or hand size, or even voice depth. In reality, there is little correlation between these factors and penis size, so you can stop searching for clues and enjoy your soup!
Even seeing a penis in a flaccid state will give you little indication of how big it will be once erect, as some guys are “growers not showers.”
So! Straight from the Department of Duh: The best way to tell if a man is hung isn’t by looking at his hands, feet or nose. It’s by looking at his erection.
My Kingdom For Eight Inches
What’s fascinating about men’s obsession with size is that they focus on length. But even when some women report that bigness is important (oh, you size queens!) they’re talking about girth or as my friend says, “Roundth.”
A Hilarious—And Accurate—Way To Tell If You Need An Extra Large Condom
Here’s a clever trick a condom company came up with to determine if you’re well-endowed: Put a tube of toilet paper over your erect penis. If it slides all the way down to the base, you’re average or below average.
If it gets stuck, then pop the champagne corks because you’re one of the lucky few. Yes, FEW. Condom manufacturers estimate that only 6% of the population needs extra-large rubbers.
At any rate, penile size can be measured in a lot of ways. Obviously, the differences will impact the results. There are two widely recognized ways of measuring the penis. The most common is the “You Wish” method. It involves looking at your pinky and seeing a thigh.
I’ll talk about the second way in a second. First, the bad news: the average penis size is not six inches. The “six-inch myth” got started when Kinsey did his landmark penis size study back in the ’50s.
Although there were 2,000 men in his study, it had a fatal flaw—the results were self-reported. Men were asked to go into a room, get themselves hard, and measure themselves. Now tell me, would you believe anything coming out of a man’s mouth while he’s holding his dick?
Men always lie about size. Why do you think we came up with maps that associate an inch with a mile? Realizing that too many men were backdating their stock options, urologists developed a new way of measuring the size of the prize: A third party. So now every legitimate penis study includes medical staff doing the measuring and reporting. And guess what happened? The average erect penis size shrank from Kinsey’s 6.2 inches to 5.1 inches!
Now the truth is that different penis size studies show different results but NONE of the studies come anywhere close to the Kinsey study that popularized the six-inch myth.
Next week: We’ll look at the latest reliable study of penis sizes.