Q:
My boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do. It’s a constant source of conflict. He feels rejected and I feel harassed. Lately, I’ve been so frustrated I’ve taken to yelling at him to leave me alone. I know that’s wrong but I need some guidance here. What’s the best way of saying NO when his zipper’s saying yes?
— Tired of it
Dear Tired of It:
Mismatched libidos is the most common sexual problem between couples.
The first thing to remember is that you have the right to say no, buy you also have the obligation to be kind. If you want him to respect your wishes then be respectful of his feelings. Here’s how:
1. Be affectionate. When he comes at you waving his hoo-ha, draw him closer, hold his hand, caress his face. The biggest mistake “low desire” partners make is in withholding affection (usually because they’re afraid their high-desire partner will interpret that as a sign you want to fuck). But by withholding affection you’re making the rejection that much more painful.
2. Postpone, don’t reject. Never say no without saying when. A postponement is easier to take than a rejection.
But what if he won’t take no for an answer? Pattern Interrupt. You sit up, hold his hand and say, “Honey I understand you want to have sex but I don’t. Please respect what I’m saying to you.” If you’re boyfriend is a half-way decent guy, you’ll only have to do that once or twice before it sinks in that NO means NO. And if he’s not a halfway-decent guy you need to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.
At the same time, you need to learn how to say “maybe.” Studies show that once “low desire” partners start having sex you can’t wipe the smile off them. The challenge is in the start, not the finish. So ask yourself “if I were going to have sex how would I want to be touched and kissed to make it happen?” And then tell your boyfriend the answer.