Would you date a guy who drank Ensure?

Mostly guys break up with me. Or never get crushes on me in the first place. But this crush—this one was mutual until it waned on my end first. I take this as a great victory, and I have a chemical-laden concoction to thank for it.

I met him at a club where he was performing. He took the stage, and there was just something about him. I was mesmerized. And his story—a funny tale about a suicide gone awry—made me think he’d get me. That he understood the pain of life–a prerequisite for me to take anyone seriously.

People buzzed around him at the end of the show so I left. Once home I found him on Facebook and messaged him that his story stuck with me and congratulated him on a tale well told.

He graciously emailed me back, and I found out he lives mere blocks from me…with his girlfriend. Subsequent emails mentioned her over and over. Still, he friended me.

I got to see her picture and was surprised at how unattractive she was. Old, six foot one, hammer toes and very tranny looking. That picture of her sans makeup in a two-piece? The horror!

It kind of made me like him less. His stock fell by association.

Still, in getting to know him better, the attraction, once again, increased. We started playing online Scrabble together. Anyone who has ever been a word nut knows playing with words can usually lead to playing with other things. We began placing words like “kiss” or “longing” down, not for high point values, but for subversive messaging.

By the second week he had confessed his attraction for me too and we began texting, emailing and instant messaging daily while he and I worked from our respective homes, and she was downtown at the office. When the cat’s away… Speaking of cats, she brought two to their apartment that she had just moved into with him. He began to feel the ripples in an up-to-then smooth relationship.

He would call me and vent about their disagreements; they began sleeping separately.

I was thrilled and didn’t hide it. I tried to explain that while I admired his commitment to stay faithful, surely he could become more like Brad Pitt. Pitt had a perfectly nice and charming wife, but when Angelina came into the picture he had to upgrade. It was impossible not to. In this scenario, I am Angelina.

Instead of rebuffing me, he laughed and encouraged it.

I was annoyed that he hemmed and hawed and declared his desire for me, but would do nothing about it.

One day she cancelled on him for an event, and he invited me instead. I agreed even though it was short notice and then a mere hour before we were supposed to meet, he called and said he had to cancel with me because the girlfriend wanted to have a talk with him when she got home.

I was annoyed, but also knew it was all my fault for modifying my day for a man who would not do the same for me. I stopped talking to him for a while.

So the crush started to wane. Thankfully.

He wheedled his way back into my good graces with flowery apologies and some old-fashioned ass kissing. His literal lips might not ever meet mine, but his figurative ones were having a field day with my backend.

But the defining moment that I knew for sure he was not for me was when he asked him to meet him for a coffee. We met at our local supermarket where he picked up things I might for myself: hummus, flatbread and then… then the thing that ended the crush for me once and for all: ENSURE.

I rolled my eyes and asked him why he was buying that, and he said he believed it to be a healthy supplement. I tried to point out the chemicals and he ignored me, instead loading up high calorie treats into his basket.

I never saw our age difference as anything meaningful until right then. I was 39, and he was soon to be 53. But somehow, the purchase of a 12-pack of Ensure made me think of my grandmother in the hospital, dying, a can of chocolate Ensure stuck to her bedside table.

He and I made our way to the outdoor Starbucks seating area where he proceeded to open a bottle of Ensure. Soon, as he talked, a bit of the goopy substance took residence in the corner of his mouth refusing to budge.

I could smell the rancid odor of faux-vanilla on his breath, and any potential love I could have for this man was swallowed permanently.

Days later, whilst chatting online–the crush gone–I mentioned I was craving yogurt. He quickly replied he’d never eat that because he had “mold” in it.

I was hoping he was joking, but he really believed yogurt was bad for you and “moldy”. I tried to explain how it was a natural probiotic that aided in digestion and much healthier than Ensure. I further said one could make yogurt at home pretty easily, but one could not say the same for Ensure.

There’s a pervasive theme in Seinfeld where the characters find comical fault with significant others that lead them to end their relationships. Jerry breaks it off with a woman because she eats her peas one by one and sometimes converses with them. He ends another coupling because he prefers to do a silly voice he created to make her stomach “talk” that she has forbidden him to do. George’s girlfriend breaks it off with him because he likes eating in bed. Elaine scoffs at the poor and religious, negating their potential to be long-term mates.

I always thought these examples to be hyperbolic until that day outside that the Ensure, ensured I’d never live happily ever after with this guy, even if he ever did get the gumption to ever leave his girlfriend.