‘Suck it in’ isn’t nearly as sexy as it sounds…
A while ago when Tina Fey was hosting SNL, one of the other comedians hugged her and said, “Hey, what do you have on under there, bike shorts?” I was holding in a laugh because that is such genius writing about the nature of man-to-female interaction in regards to Spanx.
I am not afraid to admit I have some Spanx. The black fuller bike-type shorts are my faves, but when spring is here, they are too dark and bulky to go under thin wisps of silk. I also have nude Spanx briefs. They work like a charm, smoothing out unsightly bulges while keeping away dreaded panty lines.
But while they make us way more presentable, there is a problem with them that is never discussed. You are going on a date and want to look svelte. You throw on some ghastly and hideously ugly nude Spanx and you are transformed. But what if you look so good that the date gets a little farther than anticipated? How does one get undressed when in Spanx?
Come midnight when hands go a’wandering, you have to get the hell out of there before you figuratively turn into a pumpkin or at least just shaped like one. Either that or discreetly take them off in the bathroom, stash them in your purse and pretend you were commando the whole time. Think of being Superman in the phone booth, but in reverse.
I have had this happen to me personally, and while I have purposely put on the Spanx to look my best, it worked a little too well, and then I had to come up with an excuse to leave when things got hot n’ not-so-heavy-looking because I’d be mortified if a guy saw me in my Spanx. In fact, the man I am crazy about, touched my ass over my dress once and said how hot I looked, but then felt the Spanx around my legs and asked why I was wearing shorts. I flashed him my tits to quickly divert his attention. But let me tell you, it was close.
And I’m not the only one with a close call. Amy from Florida tells me, “I had this happen, and I just took them off in the bathroom, put them in my purse, and sucked it in for the foreplay. I blamed any evidence of stomach flab on my heels being off. ”
Jamie S. from NJ tries to offer up another solution, “I wonder if they can design tearaway Spanx that would maintain the smoothing qualities of Spanx while still being easy to remove in a flash.”
Long ago, our grandmothers wore girdles. They were sucked in and evened out but they were married young and were less promiscuous than we are in our older years. Spanx may seem revolutionary in one way, but sets up back years in feminism. Our mothers burned their bras, yet we are corseting ourselves with nothing more than nude spandex forced into a look-but-don’t-touch era. There is nothing more humiliating than my pasty flesh squeezed in with an even pastier thing that is a cross between a huge Band-Aid and a surgical bandage.
Sunny relays a harrowing experience of her own, “I was in a wedding last fall and I had to wear pregnancy Spanx. Just like regular Spanx, but with a stretchy stomach panel. That was fun–for me and my husband, who tried to get them off me for some mid-pregnancy loving.”
Pat tries to think outside of the box, both literally and figuratively, “Maybe we should create Spanx porn so we can get men to start fantasizing about women slipping out of them before sex? If we can find a way to make it hot and sexy we could turn this thing around. Think about it — men love a challenge. They love it when you make them work for it. And getting the Spanx off is challenging, hard work. I feel certain there is a way for us to turn this to our advantage.”
Ah, Pat, ever the optimist, but true, if dogs can be trained to salivate when a bell rings, surely men can be taught to do so when Spanx is flashed.
Not all women are embarrassed of their garments. Kate from DC says her boyfriend loves them so much, “I even cut a hole in one pair because he finds them THAT sexy.” Lucky Kate. Brave too.
Soon maybe we won’t be the only ones with this little issue. We all remember the Seinfeld episode where George’s father and Kramer invent the Manzierre aka The Bro. Men aren’t nearly as vain as we are and we are way more forgiving when they lose their hair and looks to age. Manboobs, or “moobs” are made fun of, but rarely are eliminated. The Manzierre seemed to take years off of Frank, but how mortifying when Estelle walked in on him wearing it.
Ellie from Florida says, “I like to think of ‘manboobs’ as ‘mannaries’ rather than ‘mammaries.’ All kidding aside, they really should be some way to flatten men’s less-than-appealing bulges out too!”
Jamie’s husband, Will, feels our pain–and his own, “Funny, just today I was thinking they need Spanx for men. My belly is poking out a bit more than it did last spring I think. What do you mean, diet and exercise? I want a solution NOW!”
Don’t worry Will, I suspect help is on the way. I have heard that Good Morning America recently filmed a segment about manbras and mirdles and their gain in popularity. I can only assume that in an age where liposuction is as effortless as gum chewing, we will soon witness the emergence of Manx. Beer bellies begone!