CNN did a poignant piece on Harry and Pepper, two male penguins who broke up after living together for six years and raising a penguinnete. Harry, the bastard, moved out of their nest and get this…moved in with a floozy named Linda! That’s cold. Ice cold.
Bitch took my honey. The scheming Linda lured Harry away from Pepper after her husband died (her hubby died of natural causes; zoo keepers dismissed any notion of fowl play). Harry simply moved in with Linda and never looked back, which he always did when he was on all fours making love to Pepper.
If that bit of psycho-drama wasn’t enough, Linda laid two eggs with Harry! Pepper was fried when he heard the news. He waddled over to Harry’s new crib but the new couple threatened to put him in the endangered species list, “moving” as zookeepers noted, “aggressively toward Pepper.”
Krill me now. Poor Pepper. How does he get over Harry? Here’s my 8-point Plan:
1. Tell everybody he was hung like a hummingbird
Don’t idolize him and build him up into something great. Don’t gaze lovingly at pictures of him lying in a bed of shrimp. Don’t jump to answer his email or phone calls or sign language. Don’t build him up; tear him down.
2. Get closure
End any hopes of reconciliation. And if you can’t get that into your head, get Harry to tell you. You need him to say, “I will never eat partially digested food with you again.”
3. Don’t contact him
Break off any contact. Don’t beg or cry. Don’t drunk-dial. And for God’s sakes, don’t ask him for one last synchronized swim.
4. Get negative feelings out on paper
Write him a letter telling him what you really think about his vestigial wings. But don’t send it to him. It’s hard enough to keep your upright stance as it is. Fishing for a return bite on your letter will only make things worse.
5. Avoid his friends and the colonies he hangs out in
Don’t venture into his territory unless you’ve got a hottie under your wing. There’s nothing more pathetic than a walking tux without a bow tie.
6. Throw away anything that reminds you of him
You don’t have to burn it all, but get pictures, gifts, clothing, and that naked painting of Orca he got for your birthday out of your living area, or at least out of your line of vision.
7. Don’t try to get your stuff back
Unless it’s a regurgitated diamond ring or that special edition DVD of Nanook of the North, don’t bother. Seeing him personally return the items will make your ice block melt into the tundra.
8. Sleep with another penguin
Remember, the best way to get over an aquatic, flightless bird is to get under another. Remember, there’s a lot more crustaceans in the sea.