Where do I put this butt plug?

Somebody actually sent that question in to my sex advice column on Manhunt. I used to ignore that kind of stupidity on stilts, but a few years ago I realized I was letting 24-karat gold slip through my hands. Phrasing is everything in a column. It commands the kind of attention you can’t get with a more, er, intelligent question.

So in case you’re wondering… Here’s where you should put that butt plug:

In your ears. If it doesn’t fit, try your poop chute. Butt plugs are toys so there aren’t any “rules.” What feels right for you may not feel right for someone else. There’s two reasons to use them: To stimulate the anal opening (academic talk for “it feels good!”) or as a sort of training device to get your sphincter muscles ready to take on cargo.

Remember, the sphincter has two muscle rings—The outer ring, which you can squeeze it at will (it’s what stops you from taking a dump when you read this column) and the inner ring, which you can’t squeeze voluntarily (it’s why you can’t stop from taking a dump when you read this column).

It’s that inner ring that causes most of the pain in anal sex. If you can relax it you’re in for a great ride. If you can’t, you’ll punch your partner into the next room.

Now, the idea of anal sex is to scream for more not yell for help, so “training” the inner sphincter muscle to relax is critical. That’s where butt plugs come in. If you keep them in long enough, the inner sphincter muscle relaxes on its own (muscles can’t stay contracted forever—at some point they have to release).

You’re going to have to use more than a butt plug to stretch the inner muscle if you want painless anal sex, though. So, gradually introduce bigger and bigger toys until you can insert one the size of your partner’s penis without pain.

Let me say that again: WITHOUT PAIN. Remember, pain is a signal that something’s wrong. It means you’re stretching the sphincter too much and causing micro-tears. Go slow. You can’t just hang over a railing and get the dust pounded out of you without ending up in the E.R. And really, that’s not a club you want to try to get into. The lighting’s horrible, the outfits are ugly and there’s no VIP line.