Why Going Out Alone Is A Bad Idea If You Want To Meet Hot Men
It’s a bad idea to go out alone. Not just because it seriously cuts into the fun factor, but because friends help you meet attractive guys in ways that may surprise you. It’s not about using your friend as a wingman (though it helps), or being introduced to his friends (although that helps, too). It’s about a powerful psychological phenomenon called “Social Proof.”
We’ll also revisit two important issues: Setting reasonable goals and getting in the right frame of mind.
The Importance Of Perceived Value
Making The Psychological Phenomenon Of “Social Proof” Work For You
I give you two scenarios:
SCENARIO #1
You walk into a bar alone, look around, don’t see anybody you know, walk over to the corner of the bar and stand by yourself. You then approach a good-looking guy with the perfect “opener” but you get shot down.
SCENARIO #2
You walk into a bar laughing with two friends. You’re greeted by a couple of acquaintances and merge with another small group. You then approach a good-looking guy with the same “opener” as Scenario #1 and… you leave with his phone number.
What’s up with that?
The difference is a concept called Social Proof. In the first scenario you didn’t have any perceived social value. In the second, you did. You subconsciously ‘proved’ to other guys that you’re warm, interesting and fun–somebody worth knowing. How do they know this? Your friends. They’re evidence of value. The more friends you have, the more perceived value you have.
Social proof is a well-studied psychological phenomenon. In the absence of reliable information, strangers judge you by whom you’re with and how they react to you. If you’re surrounded by good-looking people having a good time, your perceived value goes up. If you’re alone, circling the bar like a predator, your perceived value goes down.
Social Proof is why you can’t stand going out to dinner by yourself. Subconsciously, you know you’re being judged as a boring, no-fun loser and my God, who wants to date THAT?
The movie Legally Blonde has a classic example of social proof. Reese Witherspoon pretends she’s heartbroken that an ugly guy broke up with her, causing the women around her to instantly want to know the guy– somebody they were previously ignoring.
Bars “social proof” by artificially creating lines outside the door even though they’re half empty inside. People think, “Gee, the bar must be worth going into because there are so many people waiting to get in.”
There is a fundamental attribution error in social proof (you can be an ass and still be surrounded by fun people; Wheaties will not make you athletic, even if Michael Phelps tells you so), but it exists and you’re a fool to ignore its power.
Bottom line: Go out with friends. Social proof is the single best way to ensure that Shagability will respond positively to your opener.
But wait! What if you can’t go out with friends? What if they’re not available? What if you’re new in town and don’t have many friends? Or out of town and don’t know anybody? Or coming back from a straight function and stopping by for a drink?
Then make friends at the bar–everybody from the bartenders to the drag queens to the people who look interesting to talk to. You cannot have social proof standing alone.
Getting in the right frame of mind
Now that we’re about to approach the big prize–Shagability–let’s revisit two issues:
Setting a Reasonable Goal.
Unreasonable ones trigger approach anxiety. You’re not trying to get this guy’s phone number or that guy’s attention. You’re not even trying to get laid. Your goal is to develop a powerful social skill set that you’ll be able to use in the future with greater and greater effectiveness. In all aspects of your life–not just your love life. YOUR GOAL IS TO PRACTICE, NOT TO GET A PHONE NUMBER, A TRICK OR A DATE.
Detaching from the Outcome.
While you’re rationally working toward your goal you have to emotionally detach yourself from the outcome. You can’t magnify the meaning of your interactions and focus on one and only one desirable outcome.
You have to NOT CARE.
Ironically, the more you detach yourself from the outcome the quicker you’ll be able to realize your long-term goals.
Commit to the process. Detach from the outcome.
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