How A Top Makes A Bottom’s Anticipatory Pain Go Away
We have to address a looming problem. Unless your partner has a lot of experience with bottoming I can pretty much guarantee he’s dealing with a potential deal-breaker: “Anticipatory pain.”
The Ultimate Cock Block
Anticipatory pain is the expectation that your Weapon of Ass Destruction is going to cause him a World Of Pain. This is bad for you because anticipatory pain will seize up his rectal muscles so tight you won’t be able to get inside him even if your dick was shaped like a crowbar.
The best way to neutralize “anticipatory pain?” Let’s answer the question by pretending we’re at Six Flags with a friend scared of rides. How would you convince him to get on the gut-wrenching DROP OF DOOM? Not by validating the belief he’s going to die (“You drew up a will, right?”) And not by agreeing that it’s going to hurt (“You’ll keep vomiting way after you think you’re done”).
No, you convince him to get on the ride by describing what an awesome, thrilling experience he’s going to have.
It’s the same with your bedroom partner. You’ve got to convince him that he’s in for a thrilling ride. You’ve got to get his body to ache for your hard dick to be inside him.
Ache.
The first step: Don’t come at him like you’re about to stage a rape. Be in charge in a way that makes you beguiling, not feared. Approach foreplay slowly and warmly. Your goal is to tease, not scare. Show strength, not force. Intensity, not coercion. Assertiveness, not aggression.
You want to do this for a couple of reasons. First, if you’re too rough, too dominant, or too forceful you’ll come across as dangerous. While I acknowledge that some guys like that, the vast majority of gay men do not want to feel threatened in bed. You will tense their sphincter so tightly it’ll sound like the wind blew an oak door shut.
Aim for appealingly assertive rather than aggressively threatening. The first will get him hot, the latter not. And always do it with respect. The more you cross the line into disrespect the more you’re going to turn off a partner who’s having qualms about what bottoming means to his identity as a man.
The more you act like he’s your bitch, the more you’re going to trigger his fear that bottoming will feminize him and oh dear, there go his rectal walls shutting your dick out of the action.
Replacing Anticipatory Pain With Something Better
Making your partner feel safe is the first step to great topping. The next step is to replace anticipatory pain with anticipatory pleasure; a pleasure intricately connected to what’s dangling between your legs. See, if you can replace his expectation of pain with the expectation of pleasure you’ll win the day. Next week we’re going to talk about how to do that.