What To Do When A Friend, A Date Or Your Partner Criticizes Your Looks

Editor’s Note: This is an excerpt from Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat. Although it is written for women, gay men struggle with the same body image issues so we decided to publish it as is.  Enjoy!  

 

Once, in the middle of making love a girlfriend heard her boyfriend say, “You know what would make this even hotter?” “If you sucked in your stomach.”

My friend was devastated.   How do you respond to that kind of cruelty?  With counter-insults?  By ignoring it?  By talking it out right then and there or waiting for a better time?  And what should you say?

Tactless comments, backhanded compliments, subliminal cheap shots, stealth insults or intentional slams all have the power to wound you emotionally, especially from guys you’re interested in or are in a relationship with.  The insults can be overt (“You’d look a lot prettier if you lost ten pounds.”) or covert (“Do you think it’s a good idea for you to order dessert?”).  It can be private (buying you a push-up bra as a gift) or silent (spending 45 minutes in the bathroom getting ready only to be greeted with silence when you come out).  The list goes on.  Before we talk about the best ways to respond to insults, it’s worth pointing out something you might not be all that conscious of…

You are constantly being put down by everything around you

From the moment you get up to the minute you lay down, you get slapped by subtle put-downs.  Oh, look, there’s an ad that says you’re too fat.  Oh, there’s a commercial that says you’re out of shape.  And there’s one that says you’re looking a little old.  Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, everything you read, everything you see on TV is a subtle put-down.   If you only had this product or used that service you’d be good enough, hot enough, worthwhile enough.  And because you don’t, you’re not.  Your self-esteem is constantly under attack.  Your physical appearance is constantly being questioned.  Your self-worth is always being pegged to your attractiveness.  Once you realize just how many subtle slights and chronic cheap shots you endure during the course of the day, it’s easy to see why a careless comment, let alone an abusive insult, from someone you like can feel so devastating.

It’s precisely because you’re in such an emotionally vulnerable place about your looks that you have to consider the first rule of handling an off-putting remark.  And that’s to ask yourself…

Is it really an insult?

When you are unusually self-conscious, every comment about your appearance can feel like a personal attack.  Even when somebody pays you a sincere compliment, you’re likely to seize on some aspect of it and make it fit whatever you already feel about yourself.  If somebody says, “You look good today,” you will seize on the word today.  Because today clearly that means you looked like the hindquarters of bad luck yesterday.

When you have a story running through your head you tend to make everything fit the story.  This is especially true for comments that are open to interpretation.  There is often a great expanse of territory between what was said and what you heard.  Faced with a questionable comment, you should always pause and ask yourself, “Given, that I’m sensitive about my appearance, is this comment something that a body confident woman would consider an insult?”  Because if the answer is no then you should let it roll off you like water-repellent fabric.

If It Has Testicles Or Tires You’ll Have Trouble

Some comments, like the one from my girlfriend’s unbelievably cruel boyfriend, are just flat out insults–offensive to the core and cutting to the bone.  You can tell when something is a legitimate insult by the way grief, hurt and rage roil in a boiling emotional caldron.

In addition to the normal reaction that most people have to a cutting comment, body conscious women often have to fight against something bigger than the hurt:  Believing in the insult.  It can feel like a confirmation of all that you believe is awful in you.   Like you just got exposed for trying to hide the ugly truth.  That’s why even a careless, unintended comment sends so many women into a deep depression.  Underneath the initial anger, they agree with the insult.  They accept it as a terrible validation of their worst fears.  The first step to formulating an appropriate response is to…

Acknowledge Your Feelings   An insult is bad enough–stuffing your feelings and building up pressure just creates more problems.  Do not pretend there’s nothing wrong.  Your feelings are a key part of your internal guidance system.  Pain is a signal that something’s wrong.  Accept the signals so you can deal with them effectively.

Instead of burying your feelings, notice them.  If they could talk, what would they say?  Once you sort out your feelings you’re in a better position to recover.  When feelings own you they can wreak havoc.  When you own the feelings you can be an agent for positive change.

The most powerful way to frame your response is to consider the insult as another commercial on TV with a negative message about your value.  That insult is no more true of you than the thirty second spot telling you happiness comes in a size 2 dress size.  When a commercial offends your sensibility, you can talk back, change the channel, turn it off or click the mute button.  You have fewer options when a human being does it, but it begins with…

Fighting Fire With Fire

I’m not a fan of out-insulting people but sometimes a woman’s got to do what a woman’s gotta do.  And sometimes a woman’s gotta do somebody in.  Once, a guy told a girlfriend her breasts looked better when the lights were turned down.   She replied, “But you’re penis is too small to see in low lighting.”

You’re not going to solve much by responding to your partner’s cutting comment with one of your own, but for some women it’s a legitimate way to respond because it takes back their power and gives people a taste of their own medicine.

This is especially true if you’re insulted in front of other people.  It’s natural to feel like they may accept the insult as true and view us in a negative light.  Worse, if you don’t defend yourself when you’re attacked, people might see you as having a lower position in the social hierarchy.

A counter-insult lets the other person know they can’t get away with attacking us.  It also keeps us from looking like we’re lower in the social hierarchy, but it comes with a few problems.  A lot, actually.  The first is that you raise the antagonism, which makes it harder to resolve things.

Second, and more importantly, you will be giving the insulter exactly what they were hoping for, and thus guarantee more insults in the future.  Their goal is to hurt your feelings.  If you “bite” with an emotional reaction you’ve given them the satisfaction they were seeking and perversely encourage them to continue doing it.  This brings up a central question…

Why on earth would people be so cruel?

Happy, confident people don’t make disparaging comments about your looks.   They don’t need to.  The people that do it have a need for control, to establish dominance, to maintain authority, to cover up their own insecurities, to subvert you, to make themselves superior to you or to simply lash out because they don’t know how to deal with whatever pain they’re going through.  This is an important concept that can’t be glossed over.  An insult is hurled out of need.  And that need rarely has anything to do with you.  If I don’t have the need to feel superior, if I’m not trying to get the upper hand over you, or trying to exert more control over you, or trying to make you look bad in front of other people so that I look good in comparison, why on earth would I insult you?

It is this need that you should concentrate on, not on the insult itself.  Because once you understand the need you can understand fully that the insult has nothing to do with you.   It is simply a way to satisfy the insulter’s need.  The insult says more about the person saying it than the person hearing it.   This is not some kind of feel-good balm to protect your ego.  It is almost impossible to emotionally detach from an insult without absorbing this crucial insight.  The insult may have been aimed at you but you are not its purpose.  Its purpose is to fulfill a need to make the person feel better by making you feel worse.  They want to see you feel worse or they can’t feel better.  The insult is trying to prod you into reaction so that you can fulfill the need.  By responding with similar put downs you are playing into that need.  Worse, you’ll get trapped into a ping-ponging verbal smackdown that’ll become a race to the bottom.  That’s why the best way to handle an insult is to…

Refuse delivery

This concept is best illustrated by the story of a great zen master.   A mean, vindictive man hurled savage insults at him for hours in front of his students.  The master stood there motionless and calm.  Finally, the man left, exhausted and defeated.  The great master’s students gathered around. “How could you endure such indignities in silence?” they asked. “Why did you not fight back with words of your own?”

“If someone gives you a gift and you do not receive it,” the master replied, “to whom does the gift belong?”

You do not have to accept the ‘gift’ of an insult.  Counter-insults, as the zen master brilliantly demonstrated, aren’t just an acceptance of an unwelcome gift, they’re proof that you signed for the package, opened it up and hung it on your wall.

The beauty of the zen master’s story is not only that you can decline the ‘gift’ but that you can avoid stooping to a level that does not serve you.  It’s a great reminder that spitting at the sky soils your face.

While the zen master’s response to verbal attacks is illuminating, it would be hard for mere mortals to sit in silence as they are insulted.  What you need is a standardized response that keeps to the spirit of the zen master’s lesson.  It is simply this:

Thank you for your gift but I think you should keep it.

If they continue down the same path you can simply repeat the thought in different words:   “That’s very generous of you but I can’t accept that either.”

 

Another way of refusing the ‘gift’ and keeping your dignity is to say, “Thank you for your opinion.”  It reminds the insulter and witnesses, if there are any, that any opinions expressed are those of the speaker and not necessarily of management.  In some ways, this really ends the conversation.  What is there left to say?

When it’s your boyfriend or husband making the insults.

As effective as these responses are with strangers, friends, even dates, it isn’t feasible or desirable to leave it at that if you’re in serious relationship.  If your partner makes a questionable comment or delivers an explicit insult, you need to have a conversation.

When it comes to teasing, men can sometimes fall off the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.  Teasing is our mother tongue and sometimes we don’t know when we’ve gone too far.  Your partner may not even realize that he’s putting you down or know the true effect of his words.  If the comment was simply male teasing gone awry, then it’s a simple fix–tell him it hurt your feelings.  Decent guys will know they’ve crossed a line and avoid it in the future.

If the insults are explicit and unmistakeable then you need to have a bigger conversation.  This can be problematic in a number of ways, not the least of which is staying calm and on purpose.  After all, you were verbally attacked–it’s only human to be defensive.

It’s natural to avoid difficult conversations because everyone feels uncomfortable, but if you don’t deal with it –and quickly–you’ll just prolong the agony, build resentment, and blow the situation way out of proportion.  This ten step process for handling difficult conversations will help you manage the situation quickly and avoid a repeat of the offense in the future.

Center yourself

Talk when you’re calm.  Your attitude will have a strong influence on the outcome.  Assume the best–that he didn’t mean the comment (even if he did).  You’ll approach the conversation in a better state of mind.  If you calmly discuss, rather than emotionally attack, you have a better chance at getting a sincere apology and stop future insults.  Check your attitude–if you think it’s going to be a difficult conversation it probably will be.  If you believe a lot of good will come out of the conversation, it probably will.  Visualize the outcome you’re hoping for.  The most important part of the conversation is to modulate your emotional energy, to stay in charge of yourself and keep the purpose of the conversation from wandering off the ranch.

A great way to center yourself is to pretend it’s a year from now, looking back at the conversation that solved the problem.  It makes the conversation less daunting and more hopeful.

Get clear on your goal

Is it to simply stop the insults?  Make him feel as bad as he made you feel?  Or repair the relationship and make it stronger?  You can stop the insults by throwing a fit, making him feel bad, and letting whatever anger and resentments he has go underground where they’ll make an appearance later.  But if the goal is to repair the relationship, then you can work as a team with a shared goal.  Be clear about what a successful outcome looks like.

Focus on the issue, not your partner

Avoid the “Blame Frame,” where you frame the situation as a deliberate personal attack.  Blaming him for the comment will make him defensive and hostile.  Focusing on the hurt you experienced will soften him and keep him open to the possibility that he needs to change his behavior.

Thank him for his willingness to talk

Always start and end by thanking him for his willingness to have an open dialogue.  It’s a welcoming way to start and a gracious way to end.

Start by asking for his point of view

Open the conversation with something like, “I need your help processing the comment you made earlier.  It would be helpful if I understood your point of view.  Did you mean it in the way that it came out?”  By asking for his point of view you’ll not only defuse the situation (you’re showing a willingness to listen) but you will get valuable data to form your next move.

Be okay with being wrong.

Be open to the possibility that you over-reacted.  This is where avoiding the “Blame Frame” helps.  By keeping the focus on the effect of the comment rather than who delivered it, you can stay on track.  It’ll also give you the opportunity to tell him that given your sensitivities, it may be a good idea to keep any teasing about your looks off the table.

Disagree respectfully

What if he accuses you of being unable to take good-natured teasing?  You can say, “I think we have different perceptions about the meaning of the comment and I’d really appreciate you hearing me out.”  Then state your case, emphasizing the consequences of hearing the comment.

Paraphrase each other

Nothing can make you feel more understood than hearing somebody accurately restate your position in their own words.  It shows that you truly understand –though not necessarily agree with–with their position.  When he paraphrases you, he’ll be listening to himself say how much his words hurt you–a powerful way for him to understand the depth of your feelings.

Work together to solve the problem

Whether you agree with it or not, your partner has a point of view.  And it will most likely be that he teases everybody about everything and that you’re being too sensitive.  Ask him how he thinks you should move forward to avoid you being hurt and him being misunderstood.  His answer is going to range from, “I promise never to tease you about your looks again” to “The problem would go away if you stopped being so sensitive.”      Suggest a middle ground–you’ll contribute to the solution by working on your sensitivity and he can contribute by thinking carefully about the effects of his teasing.

Putting Down The Put-Downs

Men can be unbelievably cruel and insensitive, sometimes by choice and sometimes by accident.  But most guys are fundamentally decent and when they realize that they’ve hurt the woman they love, they’ll straighten up and fly right.

It’s helpful to understand that almost all women are hyper-sensitive to comments about their looks.  You are constantly assaulted by the fashion, diet and exercise industry with insinuations that you’re too fat, too short, too old, and too out of shape to have any real value.  This can’t help but get under your skin and make you easily bruised by unsolicited comments about your appearance.  Be aware of this.  Have some empathy for yourself and all other women who struggle against the same onslaught of subtle put-downs.  The lesson here isn’t just in handling insults when they come at you but in making sure you don’t absorb the media’s penchant for putdowns by aiming them at other women.

It is particularly hurtful when a friend, a date, a boyfriend or a husband insults you.  The natural reaction is to hurt back, but the momentary pleasure of revenge comes at a high cost.  As the zen master showed us, you don’t fight fire with fire.  You fight fire with water.