Who Gets Custody Of The Friends When You Break Up?

 

Facebook has been bitch-smacking me with severe bouts of nostalgia. A recent blast from my past came from Bobby, best friend to my ex when I lived in L.A. another lifetime ago. It’s been at least eight years and BAM! here he shows up on my virtual doorstep, requesting my permission to become friends, again. After we got through the routine Q&A exchanges to somehow pick up where we left off, Bobby and I have re-established a friendship of surprising substance and depth. This online reunion was for me a shot at redemption.

I know it sounds like trite, throwaway sentiment to say that I wish Bobby and I had kept in better touch after I left my relationship all those years ago. Expressing regret can sound so fucking pathetic, especially when you know you could have done something to avoid it. Looking back I’m kinda pissed with myself for giving up on our friendship and for giving in to those stupid Rules about proprietary friendships — that unspoken but understood pre-nuptial social agreement between couples.

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT WITH YOUR PARTNER’S/BOYFRIEND’S/GIRLFRIEND’S FRIENDS:

• Friends of your partner may become your friends, just so long as you don’t spend more time with them than your partner does. Especially if you’re mildly attracted to them. Hear that calling in the distance? That’s Trouble whistling. 

• It’s not such a hot idea to make plans with your partner’s friends unless you include your partner. The only exception is when your partner is out of town. It is then acceptable to plan something casual and light like a lunch or a cup of coffee. I guess the other excpetion would be planning a surprise party for your partner, but that’s never fun.

• Conversation should always refer back to your partner as much as possible. After all, your partner is the link that has made this connection possible. And the frequent mention of your partner’s name reinforces that your attention is focused on them even in absentia.

• In fact, a friendly meeting without your partner may be viewed as a form of custodial upkeep. Your partner’s friend is meeting with you to check in and see that everything appears to be in order, hopefully giving you high marks and a positive report to your partner upon their return. This one-on-one gives you a chance to impress and remind this friend of your many special qualities that won your partner’s heart. Without the distraction of other people, you have the chance to shine and captivate. “My gosh, I never realized how witty, talented and soulful Michael is. No wonder Scott is head over heels for him.”

• If a breakup with your partner does occur, any relationship or legitimate connection that has been forged between you and your partner’s friends ceases abruptly, creating a gaping maw of awkwardness and alienation.

Breaking up results in confused allegiances that never heal in the aftermath. The rub of it is that these newly acquired third-party friendships are sometimes the best ones you will make in your lifetime. But you never get to realize their full potential because of this bullshit custody ruling that sends these innocent players back to your ex’s corner when the final bell rings.

Sometimes one friend will try to break rank and test loyalties in order to demonstrate their commitment to the bond you made together, separate from their pre-existing bond with your ex. They’re always full of positive assurance, finding a moment to call you from work or to pull you aside at a party:

“Hey, despite what’s gone down between you two, call me (they squeeze your arm for emphasis). Seriously. Let’s get together for lunch or coffee. It’ll be alright.”

That just never happens. They’re not going to sacrifice their friendship with your ex when they know that in a few months they’ll be getting to know your replacement. Three months later you’ll bump into each other at Banana Republic sifting through the same clearance table. For a moment you both look caught off guard before quickly moving into an uncomfortable smile. You exchange “Hi, how are you’s” before moving in the other direction, keeping the encounter brief and nonthreatening. For a moment you think you see something in their eyes that’s trying to convey what cannot be said. I miss you? I’m sorry? Your boyfriend was a real asshole to let you go? Help? You walk away a little disheartened, but you understand. After all, they don’t owe you anything. They’re just observing the Rules of Disengagement.

Who knew that for me, facebook would provide the safe haven for Bobby and me to try this again, without the looming presence of ol’ what’s-his-name. I don’t even think he and Bobby talk now. Our friendship may only exist via keyboard clicks and posted photos, but at least it survives. It was easy to get over my ex. It was way harder to break up with a friend because of an ex. Screw the rules.