Would You Tell One Friend The Other Had HIV Before They Hooked Up?

 

So, my friend “Dave” told me about a year ago that he is HIV positive.  I’m not. I went clubbing with a different friend, “Steve”, also negative, when we ran into Dave. Immediate sparks ignited between Dave and Steve.

I debated if I should say anything to Steve about Dave’s HIV status but decided it was their business to discuss, not my own.  They ended up going back to Dave’s apartment.  Apparently, Dave revealed his status to an unsuspecting Steve and those sparks were quickly extinguished.

Now, Steve is no longer speaking to me because he feels as though I should have said something sooner, so, as I suspect, he could have blown off Dave sooner.  Which is sad.  Both are great guys, and they could have missed out on getting to know someone really cool, or they could be missing out on some hot sex.  Should I have told Steve about Dave’s status? Or was I right to keep my trap shut?

— Trapped in the middle

Dear Trapped:

I’ve spent weeks thinking about your dilemma, changing my mind every 15 minutes, and getting splitting headaches in the bargain.  In fact, I’ve been popping so much Ibuprofen, Advil sent me a thank you letter for propping up their stock.

I even called a couple of psychologists and counselors to see what they had to say. Here’s the transcript of a conversation I had with one of them–the gay, and more importantly, hot, New York City-based psychologist, Dr. Brad Thomason:

Me:  Was he right for keeping silent?

Doc:  Yes.  It isn’t your responsibility to broadcast other people’s medical conditions.

Me:  But isn’t it irresponsible to say nothing and take the risk that somebody you love might get infected?

Doc:   People should take responsibility for their own health.  Taken to its ultimate conclusion what you’re saying is that you have the obligation to tell everybody who might sleep with “Dave” that he’s positive.

Me:  It’s hard to disagree with what you’re saying but I keep thinking, what’s more important–keeping a friends’ confidence or keeping a friend safe?

Doc:  That’s not the right question.  The right question is who is responsible for your health—you or your friends?

Me:  I take your point, but I don’t think you’re getting mine.  Are we not our brother’s keepers?

Doc:  Yes, if those brothers are unable to take care of themselves.  If they’re mentally impaired, or demonstrably ignorant about HIV that’s a different story.

Me:  Or if they’re so stupid they think it’s possible to kill a fish by drowning it.

Doc:  I’m going to ignore that.  My point is that you’re not the alarm system for fully functioning friends.

Me:  What if they’re drunk or high?

Doc:  They made a choice to drink or use.  Are you going to police that, too?

Me:  Are you kidding?  I’d be the one pouring!

So much for the transcript; here’s my bottom line:  I would have told “Steve” that “Dave” was HIV.

Why?  When philosophy meets reality, logic flies out the window.  If I’m asked to choose between an abstraction like personal responsibility and the well being of a close friend, I would rather be intellectually inconsistent than emotionally tortured.  I’m not passing judgment on you because there are good arguments on both sides.  The only person who needs a wake-up call is negative Steve.  First, he should have asked before they left the bar.  Second, he gave up a night or maybe a life with an awesome guy just because he’s HIV?  What a schmuck.