Are The Problems Of Being Single Worse Than The Problems Of Being In A Relationship?

I was in London’s Soho Pizzeria with two friends—one trying to make his relationship work; the other trying to make anything work. After a bottle and half of red, I threw out a question that made the pepperoni curl:  Are the problems of being single worse than the problems of being in a relationship?

It’s like asking which is the worst way to die—drowning or getting shot.  It just depends on the kind of pain you’re not into.  I don’t think we came to a conclusion (wine does that), but I’d say being single redlines the misery index.

If you’re single, you’re pretty much ruled by a primal “Skin hunger.”  Not just down-n-dirty (and seemingly always unresolved) horniness, but a profound longing for physical touch.

Being in a relationship has its own problems but the skin hunger is usually met in some way.  Even if you’re having little or no sex, there’s usually some physicality involved, even if it’s just the presence of somebody else in the room.  You might not have sex but you probably sleep together, hold hands, and give or get the odd kiss.  Which of course keeps the skin hunger from slipping into starvation.

As my single friend and my ‘relationship’ friend traded miseries, I thought to myself:  Why is it that when we get into a relationship we forget the relentless skin hunger that drove us crazy when we were single?

QUESTION:

I’m moving in with my boyfriend in a few months.  I care about him very much, and I want to be with him, but part of me also wants to have one last “fling” before we make the step to move in together.  Should I allow myself to take a dip in the pool one last time?

— Slightly Confused

Dear Confused:
I love how you say “one last fling” as if you’re about to get into a committed relationship rather than already being in one. I understand it, though. It’s the same mentality I had the first time I moved in with a boyfriend. Instead of focusing on the reasons I wanted to live together (“I love him, he makes me laugh, he’s got a mean, hateful cock”) I started thinking, “OMFG! He’s the last guy I’m ever going to have sex with!”

And really, if that thought doesn’t make you panic I don’t know what will.

You’re also probably thinking, “It’s going to be impossible to trick once we live together so I better do it now.” Well, stop worrying. You’ll find a way. Men always do. Anyhow, you wouldn’t have asked my permission if you didn’t already know it was wrong. Instead of rationalizing an infidelity why don’t you neutralize it by taking to your boyfriend about it? Bring it up in a joking way. Like, “Do you ever get afraid that I’m the last guy you’ll ever sleep with? Do you ever think about having ‘one last fling?'”

You might be surprised at his answer. And the “permission” you might actually get. But there’s a more important reason to talk about it-to start an on-going dialogue about monogamy. Are you going to treat it as a necessary evil, something you both want, or a bored game by Milton Bradley? Don’t set yourselves up to be one of those couples that break up over “the silent issue.” Things shouldn’t end because one partner crossed a boundary that was never discussed.

If you don’t want to have a conversation with him then I say don’t have a fling.  Cheating is no way to start out a new life together.