When He Has Time For Sex But Not Dinner
My column gets a lot of “BGO” questions—the kind whose answers contain a Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious. They’re almost always about dating a guy who’s meeting you a quarter of the way. He’s paying just enough attention to show that he likes you but not enough to make anything real out of it.
It’s not that he doesn’t text you. It’s that he’s responding to every other one of yours. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see you, but he doesn’t make a great effort to. The sex is fantastic but dinner seems out of the question.
The truth is, he’s sending you a message but you’re too deaf to hear it. And the hearing loss is directly proportional to how loud he’s yelling.
Exhibit A, from a recent column:
Yo, Mike!
I met this guy last Friday and we spent the entire weekend together. We then spent Monday night together, took a break Tuesday night, and then spent Thursday night together. I’m totally crushing on him, but he’s like, “I don’t go on dates, I’m more into just having “friends” and “hanging out.” Am I wasting my time trying to pursue a relationship with someone who just wants to be “friends”?
– Crushed Out
I used to answer these BGO questions with rapid-fire insults. Like, “You idiot. He doesn’t want to be with you—he wants to be in you!”
But then I started to get so many of them I realized either there are a lot of idiots in the world or something else is going on. And of course, there is: Self-delusion. Hope, lust and longing can make you deaf, dumb and blind. I know, not just from the letters I get, but from experience. The hope that he wants you as much as you want him clouds your judgment. You start interpreting his actions based on what you want the truth to be rather than what it is.
So, I’m trying not to insult people as much as I used to, though old habits are hard to break. Instead, I try to get them to see it from a different perspective. Here’s the short answer I gave to “Crushed Out”:
‘The Clue Bus smashed into your living room and you’re in the back yard looking for it. Read your email again and pretend it’s from a friend asking for your advice. I promise you’ll smack right into the bus. Hop on board and back it up.’
This one isn’t a question; more of an observation
So, I’m at a wedding and I spot this hot waiter serving wine behind a table. I walk over, hand him my glass and before I could put my claws in him…
WHOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!
Another waiter came out of nowhere, took the glass out of my hand and poured me a new one.
COCK-BLOCKED!
By the time I realized what happened, the hot waiter was serving other guests and I was stumbling back to my table. Now, was that an innocent turn of events or a diabolical plot to keep me away?
Or more to the point, did the cock-blocker know he was blocking?
“Maybe,” my friend T said, “but I doubt it. The self-aware cock-blocker tends to be the ugly best friend who’s in love with you–the guy who tells an embarrassing story about you in front of the guy you’re interested.”
True, but there is always the curious case of the clueless cock-blocker. I’ve been with friends who’ve seen me having an obvious “moment” with somebody yet they will not excuse themselves from the conversation. Once, I called a friend on it, and he was like, “Oh, I didn’t realize you were interested in him.” Never mind that my crotch was sending out five-alarm smoke signals and the other guy inhaled them with a bong.
Still, I’ve come to realize that what’s obvious to you isn’t so obvious to others. If I even think a friend has the potential to hook up with somebody we’re both talking to, I excuse myself and let the pants fall where they may. But I’m attuned to that sort of thing and some guys just aren’t.
There are guys who live under the credo, “If I can’t have him, you should.” There are people who think, “If I can’t have him, you won’t.” And there are people who think, “Do you like my shoes?”
But the best are people who take their “Interference Awareness” to a whole other level. Like my friend B, who said: “I’m my biggest cock-blocker.”